tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post6234725790718103617..comments2023-08-19T01:00:21.479-07:00Comments on Love. Learning. Liberty.: Spring Breakshadowspringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15172112981244682382noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-33836900364194329342011-04-25T10:08:55.499-07:002011-04-25T10:08:55.499-07:00It has to do with either the mission boards themse...It has to do with either the mission boards themselves as well as the timeline. Courageous pioneering missionary parents who resisted the pressure to send their children away and chose to home school in the face of immense pressure to choose boarding school have changed the landscape somewhat. Boardings schools are not nearly as popular as they once were, yet I think no child younger than high school should ever go to boarding school.<br /><br />At what is now Crossworld, as recently as 1999 in Brazil I heard with my own ears the dissatisfaction the board had with people who chose to home school. The board member (my relative) felt as if home schooling parents were cheating the mission, that missionaries owed to full-time forty hour plus workweeks to the mission. While I was there a six year old girl and her mother spent the night on the way to boarding school, where this precious little girl was to be dropped off. One of the boardings schools my husband went to is no longer a boarding school, the other one remains open (and was the destination of the six year old in 1999).<br /><br />You are free to check out the links above for a bigger picture. I have heard from one home schooling family in Brazil that Americans are left alone to home school these days, while pressure continues to be put on Brazilians to put their kids in boarding school. Home schooling isn't legal in Brazil, and this may account for the difference. <br /><br />But still, families with young children don't belong in tribal missions at all, in my opinion. You wouldn't expect your pastor to move his children into the gang hideout of the Hell's Angels or Crips while you studied their culture. Being a foreign culture doesn't make it somehow more acceptable.<br /><br />I firmly believe once a couple becomes parents they should put their ministry to their children first, for the glory of God and to keep from dishonoring the name of Christ. Sacrificing your children for ministry is no better than pursuing adultery as an avenue for ministry. If you have to nullify the commands of Christ (to love, to welcome little children, to be like your Father in heaven, who will in no wise cast you out) in order to "do ministry" you are in the wrong ministry.<br /><br />There are plenty of single missionaries, childless couples and older couples done with childrearing to do the work. People think their works are pleasing to God, but if you are making a mockery of the good news to get there, (or stay there) you don't belong there.<br /><br />And in my experience, it is strictly fundamentalist mission boards that demand boarding school. If someone knows of any other religious persuasion that makes such demands, let me know.shadowspringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15172112981244682382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-11094078548448994652011-04-24T20:18:39.059-07:002011-04-24T20:18:39.059-07:00Most fundamentalist missionaries I've had cont...Most fundamentalist missionaries I've had contact with (and many have been "lifers") have had their children with them on the field until high school or college age. Some of them were second generation missionaries, raised by their own parents on the mission field. I really hadn't heard about missionaries using boarding schools until reading you describe your husband's experiences. It may have been a difference in generation, or area of the world, or even of mission boards.Tikatuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08082425313229478072noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-86433946613362971222011-04-23T20:13:55.081-07:002011-04-23T20:13:55.081-07:00Aren't most missionaries fundamentalist evang...Aren't most missionaries fundamentalist evangelical Bible translators like my in-laws? At least the ones using boarding schools are all tribal missionaries, to my knowledge.shadowspringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15172112981244682382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-64958595597376138042011-04-23T20:12:02.566-07:002011-04-23T20:12:02.566-07:00http://www.mksafetynet.net/
http://fandaeagles.co...http://www.mksafetynet.net/<br /><br />http://fandaeagles.com/shadowspringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15172112981244682382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-34623743542070149912011-04-23T06:33:39.250-07:002011-04-23T06:33:39.250-07:00I think everyone here has some really good advice....I think everyone here has some really good advice. I'm just wondering about one thing.... The whole idea about MK's being neglected/abused in boarding schools is new to me, I'm wondering what denomination your husband's family was in, and do you have any other web sites with more information about this kind of stuff??Ruthiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12551344590306491778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-35537754352078790952011-04-23T00:07:33.101-07:002011-04-23T00:07:33.101-07:00Ugh. I hate to chime in again, I really do. I RE...Ugh. I hate to chime in again, I really do. I REALLY do.<br /><br />I just did an inservice on domestic abuse.<br /><br />The things your husband has already done may indeed be paradigm shifts. Or maybe not. Abusers know when they've pushed too far and need to make a grand gesture or three. They also know exactly what type of gesture will work. Then when things are comfortable again, they slip back into old patterns. And thus the cycle continues. The behaviors may be different, but the cycle is exactly the same. Predictably so.<br /><br />Here's the biggie though: Recent research shows that even with counseling, education, church support, etc., less than 7% of abusers stop abusing.<br /><br />Miracles happen, obviously, but a 50% chance of scenario #1 is not realistic.<br /><br />Ick. That was not fun to say. But I figure you deserve to know the truth.<br /><br />Praying for you both.Final Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-83364254699440778662011-04-22T13:42:31.035-07:002011-04-22T13:42:31.035-07:00Ack! JUST wrote a twenty minute comment, and Blog...Ack! JUST wrote a twenty minute comment, and Blogger freaking ATE IT! <br /><br />But I see we cross-posted Sandra. =) I love you too.<br /><br />Short version:<br /><br />Future is open. It is unsettled. I see three possibilities:<br /><br />#1 Therapy works, husband is healed enough that we end up living a mutually supporting loving life together.<br /><br />#2 Husband continues or quits therapy, either way, he is not healed enough to live a mutually supporting loving life with him as a partner. We divorce. My time-table: as soon as I'm self-supporting, which I have estimated at two years out from now.<br /><br />#3 Husband makes it impossible to wait two years out, some sort of crisis necessitates an earlier separation/divorce for my safety and/or my well-being (which matters just as much as my safety).<br /><br />I don't bet against the house. If I thought the odds were in favor of #3, I'd be out of here. I guess honestly I feel like it's 50% on option 1, 40% option 2, and 10% or less option 3. <br /><br />When I say I trust in God, I realize the Pollyanna gullibility that implies. To be honest, though I am embarrassed and know it's stupid, there is a teency touch of that involved.<br /><br />But remember I've been through some pretty tough times, and more than most I know that God's love sustains us through the hardships of life (persecution, famine, violence, etc. Hebrews 12) it is not magic charm that keeps us from experiencing all life might contain.<br /><br />I think I'm being realistic, yet I write this record as I go, so in the end, we will all be able to look back and hopefully learn something from the journey.<br /><br />Though maybe not. Each person diagnosed with cancer has their own decisions to make and their own unique battle to fight. Some people go into spontaneous remission, some go into remission because of treatment, some don't go into remission at all, but the cancer is fatal. Other people's experiences may or may not be helpful. <br /><br />So, in the end, this whole blog may merely be a personal interest story and no more. Certainly it will be here to explain how I got to #1,#2 or #3 to my children, if nothing else.<br /><br />So, peace and good will. Keep praying. Final, I appreciate you sharing your story and caring for me. Sandra, I appreciate you and all your love. I feel it, cyber friends, I do.<br /><br />SSshadowspringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15172112981244682382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-23472370722558801542011-04-22T13:19:07.155-07:002011-04-22T13:19:07.155-07:00I keep thinking about your husband's psycho-sp...I keep thinking about your husband's psycho-spiritual state. You've summed up so precisely the FundySpeak usage of common spiritual words. My physical experience was nothing as extreme as your husband's but the "I don't think that means what you think it means" subtext of every teaching was the same. The Love = punishment/isolation/annihilation underlies everything. It is why I have such a hard time understanding Evangelicals who actually find spiritual nourishment (not just an addictive buzz) from the same-worded teachings. I just don't get at a really basic level that those words can NOT mean for people the same ass-backwards bullshit that I learned. <br /><br />I have enormous respect for the huge leap of faith (faith being a commitment, not adherence to intellectual positions) that it has taken for your husband to make the admissions that he has, attend counseling, be medicated. I know (really KNOW) how paradigm-shattering that was. I know how what a tortured soul he is, the psychic pain he feels (even more than he will admit to himself, most likely) is astounding. I say this to mean that I understand the explanation of his abuse, not to excuse it. <br /><br />I doubt that meditating on affirmations of your worth are going to do much for him--maybe band-aid level help for a femoral hemorrhage level wound. As you say, what he really needs is an affirmation of HIS worth to the ultimate judge. He needs a new paradigm of healthy Love and actual Grace to replace the paradigm that has structured his psyche for his whole life. and I suspect that the only way to get there is by fully acknowledging the extent of his pain--which he hasn't yet done, it is too scary (Oh, how do I know? BTDT, still doing it). And I worry that the struggle of his journey--that push me, pull you tension between being drawn to God/Love/Grace and deathly afraid of it--will put too much pressure on the none-too-secure grip of safety/sanity he has. Hurting people hurt people. <br /><br />Would physical distance between you actually give him the inner space, the safety zone, take a pressure off him, so he can more safely do the psychic/spiritual work that he needs to do?Sandra Keehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16979912092987681396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-20738355508877089762011-04-22T12:51:58.988-07:002011-04-22T12:51:58.988-07:00I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, eithe...I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, either. Because you've got enough voices inside and outside your head, mine isn't going to be the one that sways you either way. I want to "ditto" everything Final Anonymous said, though, with a big "uh-huh! what she said!" And add the following--<br /><br /> "I also trust that God will keep me safe."<br /><br />This statement chilled me. If you are defining safe here as I do--physically well, alive, not mostly- or even sorta-dead or dying--God most emphatically does not "keep people safe" Thousands of people, devout, God-loving, loved-by-God people, have not "been kept safe" from death, disease, torture, abuse. You know that. Don't count on God to do for you what he hasn't done for lots of other equally deserving recipients of trauma and death. <br /><br />If you mean, "mentally and spiritually healthy regardless of physical well-being", then I agree God is totally there for you. But then I think you should clarify that definition for the sake of your potential readers who will be reading with their magical thinking of "God won't let me die because I'm so devoted to him and even if he does, well, I'm down with that too because .... [insert whatever martyr-prize is being promoted these days]"<br /><br />As always, know that I love you and pray for you all.Sandra Keehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16979912092987681396noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1802896743878321184.post-43689559301962370162011-04-21T23:54:19.016-07:002011-04-21T23:54:19.016-07:00No matter how much others want to help, you're...No matter how much others want to help, you're the only one who can make the decision of whether and when to leave. You want to make sure at the end you have no regrets, and you can say "I did everything I could do." You don't know me from Adam, but you have my support no matter what you decide to do.<br /><br />Now. Two things jumped out at me:<br /><br />1. You said you don't want to do anything "hastily." How long have you been married again? It may feel like haste, because within the last few weeks / months you kind of woke up, realized the depth of what you were dealing with, understood the real path you may be on, whatever it was. But you and your children have been trying and tiptoeing and suffering for years. Decades? There is no shame in saying "Screw it, I've sacrificed until the last shred of my being, I'm done." And certainly no haste. But that's just my read on it.<br /><br />2. As I read, I admit I had to skip a lot. Because pretty quickly it jumped back into... you know how some people, when they talk about themselves, are always the victim? That is so NOT what you did; in fact it's the opposite. HE'S the victim; of poor parenting, a cultish religion, bad role models, an incompetent therapist, medication changes, etc. etc. etc. <br /><br />I mean, yeah, it's sad what he's gone through. If it caused a temporary moment of trauma in your relationship, okay, blame it on the rain. But beyond that, when it's used as a reason and excuse to hurt other people, my sympathy stops short.<br /><br />He got hurt. There's not a single iota of a reason or an excuse in that fact for him to hurt you even once. Period.<br /><br />You don't have to convince yourself he's justified in some way, because he's not. You don't have to find a way for it to make sense, because it doesn't. He's just wrong. Period.<br /><br />All right. Off my soapbox. I meant what I said about me supporting you no matter what. I've been there, remember? Stayed longer than anyone thought I should have, but I have no regrets, other than wishing I'd woke up sooner.<br /><br />Lots and lots of prayers coming your way!!!Final Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com