Love. Learning. Liberty.

Great Link about PTSD/EMDR and past abuse

2012-01-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

Post Traumatic Stress: what it is (biology), what makes it worse and what helps it heal.

HUGE shout out of thanks to Cindy Kunsman for posting this! Girlfriend, you are doing so much good in the world. You teach us so much about our brains and why we experience so much pain from spiritual and emotional abuse. I can't thank you enough for your web site. You have blessed more people than you will ever know. Stay strong sister, and know you are very dearly loved!

Still reeling

2012-01-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

I am still reeling from the blows to my heart that came from seeing my sister. Being with her in person was hard enough, but her bizarre response to my sending her flowers pushed me over the edge. I had been perilously close to the edge of depression. I am afraid that listening to her voice mail, one that should have said:

"Thanks for the flowers! They are so beautiful and you are so thoughtful."

but instead went something like:

"Um, I just got some flowers from you, and...what exactly are you trying to say? (tinge of anger in voice, then the command) Call me back, we need to talk."

Then of course life keeps happening. I've been encouraging my kids to go to therapy while they were still on our insurance, and they are both taking me up on that now. This week in fact.

Guess what that includes? They are going to be dealing with the fall-out from all those years I was trying to give them the perfect childhood according to Christian Book Distributors while dealing with an abusive marriage as well as trying to figure out what was up with my daughter and be both father and mother to my son.

I was at times a screaming banshee. I'm not proud of that, but I am proud that I was 1000 times better of a mom than I had modeled to me. I have forgiven myself for falling apart when I did, but that doesn't mean it was any less hard on my kids. Hence the encouragement to counseling by me.

All that doesn't excuse me from responsibility for the times I lost it (including today, I'm afraid) when the pressure of my life was more than I could cope. Today, though, was not the best day to be confronted with that old crap. I knew it had to happen. I encouraged it to happen. I just shouldn't have to deal with my old abusive family of origin AND my personal failures as a mother at the same time. That's just asking too much.

For the first time in years, I am experiencing the same symptoms of depression my husband has been going through. If it isn't cleared up in two weeks, I'll mention it to my therapist and we'll see about where to go from there. The logical side of my brain knows that this will pass and I will go on to living my dreams in happiness and contentment before long at all.

One thing is really different though. It is becoming plain that I will never be loved and accepted in my family of origin. I though that my oldest sister, with the help of God, was wanting to honestly do "whatever it takes" to heal the rifts. Now I am doubtful that she was honest. I don't think she understood the cost, that she would have to give up her bias in the story where she is the hero, mom is the victim and my twin and I are the villains. She likes that story. It makes her feel good about herself.

So, what do you think, ifriends? Should I just break it off for good? Wondering what other folks out there have done.

Does it ever end?

2012-01-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

Probable Cause Affidavit in the Hanna Williams case

If you will take the time to read the above link about the tragic death of Hanna Williams, one thing becomes painfully clear. Child abuse is never one on one. The whole family system is complicit in the abuse of a scapegoated child. Now where older sibling are concerned, it is apparent that the vilification of the scape goated child was not their original idea. Clearly it all comes from the parents and is taken up as accepted truth by the other children the way all the family truths are transmitted. In most families, the truths are benign and even beneficial: one must clean one's plate before getting dessert, or bedtime is always nine o'clock on a school night, or one should always brush your teeth after meals. Only sick twisted families pass on ideas like: the outcast child is rebellious, disobedient, a liar.

As you read through this affidavit, notice how often those three words are used about Hanna BY HER SIBLINGS. These same children watched her freeze to death, all the while encouraging themselves to denounce and taunt her as faking her symptoms of hypothermia because she was a bad person.

The mother uses word forms of "rebellious", "refuse" and "pretending" in her statement. She admits to using her older children to carry out her orders to "check to see" what Hanna was doing- not to help Hanna or make sure she was safe but merely to spy and report to mom what was happening.

When detective first interviewed the other children, they reported that "They all stated that HGW
was "rebellious" and disrespectful to their parents and that HGW didn't mind their mother." The emphasis on the word ALL is mine. This is how I grew up. My other sisters would have said the EXACT SAME WORDS ABOUT ME had anyone ever bothered to intervene in our family while I was growing up.

When the surviving adopted child could not remember his birthday, the mother interjected that he "chose" not to take part in a birthday celebration. All the abuse against this boy and his sister is excused in the family as being the fault of the victim. The victims either chose it, or they deserved it, or they were lying about it or faking the symptoms of abuse.

The 16 yr old sibling "continually used the word "rebellious" and indicated that both HGW and IJW were rebelling and would be disciplined for their behavior."

The 11 yr old male sibling "said that HGW and IJW were rebellious and they were punished ... Neither one
were allowed to celebrate their birthdays because they didn't deserve it."

The 11 yr old female sibling " indicated me that (Hanna) lived in the closet for disobeying" and admitted she "didn't like (Hanna) but loved her as her sister..." She further stated that "(Hanna) was spanked because she was "disobedient" all of the time. She stated that (Hanna) had to be outside "all of the time." She said (Hanna( was outside because (Hanna) could not obey"

The 7 yr old female sibling " said she saw (Hanna) on the night of her death and "(Hanna) was pretending she was cold and couldn't walk."..When asked why (Hanna) had to eat outside (she) stated "my mom said we don't want to look it her grumpy face."

The children boldly say that they did not like their sister, morever they said it was because she was rebellious, could not obey, was a thief and a liar and faked the symptoms of abuse.

My older and younger sister would have said the same things about me if you had asked. They would maintain these suspicions about me today. I just sent my older sister flowers and she reacted with suspicion. Since they came from me, in her mind there had to be something sinister about my intention. In her mind, I am incapable of good will from a good heart. It's been over thirty years since we were children.

I don't think it is possible my my family of origin to stop the abuse. My sisters may have been coopted into the abuse against their will as children, but it still forms their narrative of our family. It will not be undone. Maybe it can't be undone. Mom will never recant any of her behavior or her lies, so if it relies on her then there will be no change of narrative.

And even though my older sister says she wants to see change in our family dynamic, she automatically shows anger and suspicion towards me every time we are together. She fights it to some extent, but it is so deeply ingrained in her mind, it is as much a part of her narrative of life as that the sun rises in the east.

To her mind, Shadowspring is:
Rebellious
Liar
Disobedient
Wicked
Selfish
Mean

It will never end, as far as I can see. Abusive family systems don't change. The best that you can do is get the hell out and stay the hell out of these damaging families. They won't let you be anything except what they choose to label you. Thirty years out, the answer is still NO, IT NEVER ENDS.

New Years New Idea

2012-01-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

I have a new idea for myself in 2012. I am not going to church anymore.

I might change my mind, if God should open some door I don't know about, so I hesitate to call it a resolution. It's more of an idea. A marvelous, life-affirming idea I should have had a long time ago.

The institution of the church has failed me far more often than it has ever supported me. No, I have been the one supporting it: with my time, talents, affection and money. I have taught Sunday school, youth groups, Bible studies and openly participated in almost every opportunity for feedback that there is. I have attended prayer meetings, been painfully transparent in times of public confession, and sang in worship with unbridled enthusiasm. My intelligence, compassion, sincerity of faith, commitment to the gospel and unwavering good will have been evident to all.

What I have received in return for my investment is: jealousy, resentment, isolation, and open disrespect. The last straw was my most recent church "home", who had people in leadership engaging in conversations (without me present) about my facebook posts. These conversations led to my page being watched by the pastor. On October 31st, he took issue with one of my posts because he felt it was a) inaccurate and b) could be construed to cast a negative light on the church.

The post I wrote was to explain the principle of the fallacy of guilt by association. I wrote of how one person who attended our church was found guilty of a crime, which is true, but that did not make us a congregation of criminals. The part that was inaccurate: this person (a perfectly decent human being, by the way) had done volunteer work for the church while living in one of our buildings for a season as he was homeless otherwise. I put this in my facebook post as "hired and harbored" as I do love alliteration.

The pastor took offense at the word hired, and was extremely offended that I would post that a member of our congregation had been convicted of a crime. Now this person had just stood up in front of the church and told his whole story a few weeks earlier, so its not a big secret on his part. Also, this person is now involved in a ministry to the homeless himself, where he regularly shares his story of heartache and restoration as a means to inspire others to follow Jesus and work for a better future with hopeful hearts.

Pastor said he was offended for that person's sake, as if I were openly gossiping about someone who had requested anonymity. Well, that was not accurate, but I had no problem deleting the post. My brother was offended, and I am smart enough to find a dozen other illustrations to make a point. Also, he took issue with the word "hired" as we never actually paid the person for their services. All the work they did was on a volunteer basis. So that was also inaccurate on my part, and again I had no problem deleting the post in its entirety.

The problem is this: the pastor called me and began berating me without allowing me to speak in return. He asked no questions of me, and he refused all my attempts to speak. He just kept talking over me. I was driving down the road, in the dark and the rain, with my family in the car, when I took his call. My husband and son are witnesses to everything, as all calls to my cell phone while I am in the car automatically come over bluetooth.

I tried to tell him he was on speakerphone, but he refused to allow me to speak. I tried to reassure him that I would happily discuss this with him when I was safely pulled over, but he refused to allow me to speak. I tried to tell him that at present I could do nothing about the post, but that I would delete it at my first opportunity. He did not allow me to speak. This went on for probably 3-5 minutes, with me trying to speak when he would stop to catch his breath, only to have him talk right over me anyway. He kept saying, "You need to listen to me!" every time I would attempt to speak.

My customer service training kicked in, and I was actually very calm. My husband on the other hand, was pretty offended. "He has no right to tell you what to put on your facebook! You have freedom of speech! this is America!" or something very similar came out of his mouth. I would later be called a liar by my pastor (his last words to me in fact) because I denied that these words were mine.

This "man of God" just called me to rant, chew me out, rake me over the coals, use whatever phrase you want. There was absolutely no respect towards me as a human being at all. I can not imagine being spoken to like this by any professional person, much less a person who makes a living representing the Lord Jesus Christ.

The ranting continued, until I had to hang up on him. I repeated (unfortunately had to talk over him as he would not allow me to speak) that I needed to go because it was not safe to continue the call, but I would call him back and speak to him as soon as I safely could. Then I hung up. A very few seconds later, my husbands cell phone rang. The same thing happened: pastor ranting, husband not allowed to speak, eventually my husband was compelled to hang up because it was not a conversation but a rant.

It was all so completely unnecessary. He could have kindly asked me to delete the post, and I would have done so with no hesitation. I did delete the post, not because it was poorly written or wrong in any way other than the word "hired". I deleted it because I live a life of honor to the Lord Jesus Christ. "As far as lieth in you, live in peace with all men...If your brother is offended, do whatever it takes to make sure your brother." I live a life of obedience as far as I can. In fact, I apparently take the words of Christ far more seriously than my pastor.

I did call him back, after I was pulled over. He had calmed down some and I was able to speak a bit. However in no time he began to agitate himself again, and started to rebuke for my saying, "I have freedom of speech, and I can write what I want." Now,*I* never said that. I live by the law of liberty in Christ Jesus, and I know that I can not write whatever I want if it causes harm or offense to a brother. I never said those words, and so I told him, "I never said that. All I said was that I couldn't talk right then and...."

That's as far as I got before my pastor spoke over me again, in an exasperated and loud voice, saying, "Oh YOU are SUCH a LIAR!"

I had enough. I replied, "Now you have crossed a line." and I hung up.

Do you think this man of God, who stands in front of a congregation every week representing the Lord Jesus Christ has called to apologize? No, he has not. This man, who gets paid 75k a year to encourage the saints, willfully disrespects me and feels no shame. He sees no reason to obey the word of God himself, and I can think of many scriptures that apply here:

Galatians 6:1 ¹Brethren,if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an onein the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

James 1:19¹⁹Wherefore, my belovedbrethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

I Timothy 5:1-2a ¹Rebukenot an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; ²Theelder women as mothers;

Proverbs 18:13 ¹³Hethat answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

Matthew 5: ²³Thereforeif thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brotherhath ought against thee; ²⁴Leavethere thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thybrother, and then come and offer thy gift.

I Corinthians 13: ⁵Doth not behaveitself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

Proverbs10:¹⁷He is in the wayof life that keepeth instruction: but he that refuseth reproof erreth. ¹⁸Hethat hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is afool. ¹⁹In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin:but he that refraineth his lips is wise.

I wish this was an isolated incident, but my experience abounds with arrogant pastors who fleece the flock for a living without caring for the hearts they pastor. Why should I attend church, when I will not be respected as a mother in the faith or even as a fellow disciple? I should not have to prove myself again to anyone, and why would I bother when I know that it is a losing proposition anyway? I am a woman. I will not be respected. I will be milked for my tithe and for any other work that can be had from me, but my spiritual insight, scriptural knowledge and devotion to God will be dismissed out of hand. I will not be treated with respect.

And so I am done with the church. Since I was nineteen years old I have built my life around the institution of the church. This is an entirely new idea for me: how to live as a disciple without the institution. It is a great idea, and I am not alone in coming to this conclusion. The institution of Christianity is not making the world a better place and it is not leading people to a love relationship with Jesus. It is a hindrance and a stumbling block. The sooner it dies, the better off the real body of Christ will be.

May Jesus Christ live big in you and I today.

Skype and the Family That Never Was

2011-12-27T12:04:00.000-08:00

I don't write much about my family of origin. It's a mostly irrelevant subject; I have been completely without any support from them in any way since I was seventeen years old. You can read about the day my mom kicked my twin sister and I out of the house (with the complicity of the elders of the church in a religious ceremony) here: Bill Gothard has negatively affected my life part two

Still, it's on my mind a lot these days. Just now I was watching an ad for video chatting. I'm not sure it was Skype but it was something like that. Family and friends were shown joyfully sharing life together, though separated by distance. The laughter, smiles, playful teasing and sheer happiness of sharing life together was beautiful to watch. It is what I strive to share with the people in my life today. I want to create a place- a home, a friendship- where there is always welcome and good will. Watching the ad made me feel good inside, and made me feel good about my life today.

Until it struck me. I never once experienced anything like it, not even close, in my family of origin. There was not one joyous exclamation of glee at an accomplishment of mine. There was no levity. There was no laughter. I don't mean little, I mean none. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Even if my mom did something that appeared to be a gift of some sort, cook a meal or take us shopping, it was done without joy. There was an expectation that she should be lauded for any effort she put into being a parent, and in fact, I am pretty sure that was her only motivation: it affected the way she felt about herself, and in every instance I can remember, just became another excuse to blow up at her ungrateful, selfish children.

My older sister was merely an extension of my mother. I don't know if I've written here about the time I almost died of an asthma attack. My mom was leaving the house for the day, putting my older sister "in charge". We were commanded to clean our rooms. My room was very messy. I had no parent teaching me to make my bed, spending time in my room with me talking, laughing or playing. Not. Ever. I was mostly unparented, except in these spurts of domestic dominion which I suppose came about because my mom felt shame at the messy house or the truth that she was no parent. Anyway, the edict had been given: clean your rooms and don't go anywhere else until it's done.

I have asthma and I am allergic to dust. As I started in on my room, I began to wheeze. These were the days without inhalers, so when I noticed I was actually wheezing (you'd be surprised how detached I was from my body), I had to go take a theophylline pill and get away from the trigger and wait for the pill to take effect. I left my room to tell my sister I was wheezing. In my mom's stead, she simply became my mom to me. She called me lazy and a liar and accused me of just trying to get out of cleaning my room. I protested my innocence and that I needed to get away from my room and rest. She ridiculed me and berated me further.

Defeated, I went back to my room and, though I was wheezing loudly and couldn't breathe, I began moving stuff around. I started crying, which only made it worse. I was terrified and I knew I was going to die. I also knew it was imperative that I stop crying and calm down as much as I could. I told myself that dying would be like getting on a bus. If I could just fall asleep, I would wake up in a new place, heaven. I was parenting myself as always, and this time in the acceptance of my impending death.

If I could convey what it feels like to be dying of an asthma attack, I would. I could not get breathe into my lungs. I was sitting up, leaning forward, every muscle in my rib cage contracting, trying to squeeze out the carbon dioxide to make room for oxygen. The medical term is "contracting" I think. It was an impossible task. Oxygen was not getting through. I could hear the loud wheezing of air trying to get through swollen, mucus-filled airways. It wasn't going to happen. I knew I was dying. That is no exaggeration.

The pain of my heart at being called an evil, lazy liar and being sent to my death by my sister, in spite of my pleas to be heard and loved and helped, was just a radical manifestation of a daily reality. I was not loved in my family. I never had been. My twin and my grandmother were my only true family, and they were also abused and rejected. My older sister did not love me; had never loved me. Her survival demanded she be an extension of my mom, and my mom fully and completely rejected me and my twin sister. My older sister did the same.

I think Jesus looked down at me like God spoke about looking down at Israel as a rejected newborn, left to die of exposure in an open field (Ezekiel 16:4-6 ). That's my explanation for why my grandma just happened to stop by right then. She came into the house and asked for my mom. My older sister explained she had gone for the day, and then told her that we were to clean our rooms but I was being "rebellious". That was a perjorative often used to describe me. My grandma opened the door to my room to check on me.

She freaked.

The local "ambulance" came, which in this small Great Plains town meant a van with a siren on top. The funeral director drove it, and he drove like a mad man the twenty miles to the hospital. I remember him telling me not to die on him, to hang on. He repeated that often. I remember getting to the hospital. I remember the beautiful color of my crimson blood squirting a nurses white uniform when they put in the I. V. line. I remember other terrifying aspects of my admission: the battleaxe nurse who kept pushing me down when I tried to sit up. I couldn't breathe at all lying down. She kept telling me sternly that I needed to rest, push me down and immediately I would pop right back up. I couldn't easily tell her that I needed to breathe more than I needed to rest. I could only get out one breathless word at a time, with great effort, and I needed that effort to breathe.

I remember the panic and feeling of suffocation when they put me in the oxygen-tented bed. My mom had met us at the hospital. I remember screaming for her to help me, and her walking out as I cursed and cried while medical people (as far as I could feel) tried to kill me instead of helping me breathe.

I fell into a coma.

I was in a coma for five days.

When I came to, the doctor was so happy to see me. He was a great man. He had no idea what my home life was like. I thank God his was the first face I saw, and his words of encouragement were the first words I heard. He told me that he was scared they had lost me, and he was so glad I was alive. There was no more oxygen tent. Instead I had a mask blowing oxygen directly into my nose and mouth. He made me feel like my life was worth something.

As soon as he left, my mom, who had been sitting vigil at my side (only while she looked a hero for it) began gathering her things to leave. I asked her to stay. She refused. I asked her why she left me when I needed her and why she was leaving me now. I told her I needed her.

She lectured me for embarrassing her by cussing out the nurses when I was in a panic and making a fuss, when people were only trying to help me. She told me how selfish I was to ask her to stay, after all she had other kids besides me. They needed her too. And, with that final berating, she turned her back on me and walked out.

Both Hope and Regret:How is that possible?

2011-12-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

I feel both hope and regret today. It is the weirdest thing. I don't feel them both at the same time, but I do feel them both within the same ten minutes. I think EMDR is working, as before I would likely just be crushed with guilt and shame, and only be able to cultivate hope through a lot of tears, bible reading and journaling. Now I just feel hope. It's totally cool to be hopeful without extensive work to get there.

So here's the deal: I was a sorry ass mother in many ways to my little girl. The irony is that my number one desire was to be a good mother! It was both my deliverance and my curse. My deep, deep desire to be a good mother is what led me to buy all those Christian books, go to all the seminars and Bible studies, put my kids in all the children's programs and include such a huge dose of "wholesome morality" in my home school. That is the curse part. The true sincerity of my longing to love my children in the way that was best is the deliverance part. Isn't it ironic that what I meant for good turned out to detour me in the wrong direction, and actually put up a barrier between my daughter and myself?

You know the saying "better late than never"? I really hope it turns out to be an absolute truth. My daughter needs it to be, and I need it to be true for her. Yesterday in tears, as I was making these confessions to her, I apologized for not being the mother she needed me to be. She, also in tears, replied to me that I was the mom she needed me to be NOW and that she loved for me that. (Okay I'm getting all misty-eyed again now. Deep breath. Exhale. Carry on.)

I feel like I should reiterate here that I love Jesus still and always will. I don't find fault with the Bible as much as with the way it is used. Lewis Wells calls it "bibliolatry" and he is so right. I was hoodwinked by the doctrine of Biblical inerrancy. It is a heresy, in my opinion. The Bible is a record of people whose lives were affected by the Divine, and while it may be a true record of what they experienced, believed and taught (my opinion) none of those people are/were Divine themselves, except for Jesus. Proverbs are just that, proverbs: generalizations that are true much of the time. The history books are just that: a historical record of what people thought, did, said, felt and heard. They are not encyclopedias of fact. Whoever wrote Genesis was recording the stories of early Judaism. It is not eyewitness testimony, and if it were, we would still have to consider the character and motivations of the witness. The poetry is poetry; the gospels are four written records of what was remembered of the life and words of Jesus in the decades after his death (and resurrection! Yes, I believe in the resurrection.); the epistles are letters written to congregations of the early church and the book of Revelations is apocalyptic writing meant to encourage the persecuted church.

But when my daughter was growing up, I thought I believed in the inerrancy of scripture, and I went to churches that taught the Bible from that perspective. I listened to nice, wholesome, middle-class Christian teaching- nobody who dressed funny (like Mennonites, the Pearls, etc.) or acted too strange (IBLP, for example). Nope, the people I associated with and to whom I listened dressed like everyone else and was appropriately integrated into the culture at large. You could wear makeup and dress nice, as long as you didn't show too much skin. You could watch television and movies, as long as you were selective about what you saw. You couldn't cuss or drink, though, and of course you should go to church every Sunday and, generally speaking, seek moral perfection in all you do.

Ah, and therein lies the curse. Do you know what moral perfection is, boys and girls? It is when you look, act, talk and feel, in a word, Christian. In order to become that kind of person, everything has to be a moral lesson. One should be appropriately emotional- cry at the right times, smile at the right times, all that sort of outward proof of your inward transformation. You should feel the right feelings and if you are a good Christian you will feel these right feelings at the right times.

For example, really holy people will cry at the showing of mission films. How can you not feel despair and sorrow at the nice people on the screen who are all going to hell? Also, you should choke up with regret and remorse at sermons calling for repentance. If you are unfeeling, you must be some kind of amoral monster, though no one will come right out and tell you that. And if you are reading all those family devotions, you know that these moments calling for appropriate emotional responses happen all the time. Good Christian children will respond in the good Christian way to the sermonettes popping up in all those "teachable moments" that good Christian parents are forever alert to recognizing. Not to mention the extras the church throws in unintentionally, like athletic prowess is godly (Awana) and being beautiful is also godly (check out the casting on those plays and musicals, we all know it's true).

So here I am, earnestly wanting to be the best mom ever to my children, relying on the Christian parenting industry because I could not rely on experience, so grateful to have married into a truly godly Christian family, because in my naivete, I thought Christian was synonymous with love and nurture. For the record, I do believe that Christ is synonymous with love and nurture, and that it is possible to be a good and loving parent by putting into practice the commands of Christ. My mistake was in thinking that the evangelical, fundamentalist Christianity being marketed was at all about obeying the commands of Christ. Not even close.

See, I bought into the line of reasoning (insane that it is, in my now much more humble opinion) that since the Apostle John called Jesus the Word of God made flesh, and since Christians called the Bible the Word of God, that following Jesus meant trying to obey everything in the Bible. That is insane, because Jesus actually gave precious few commands in his life on earth, and all of them centered around empathetic love for others. The Bible, on the other hand, has commands out the wazoo about everything from what you can eat, to how to greet people, and everything in between, much of which are contradictory to one another and very few of which actually involve empathetic love for others.

So, my daughter was pretty much screwed from the get-go. If she had been a neurologically typical child, she might have been better able to comply. But, unbeknownst to me for many years, my daughter is Aspie. She doesn't feel things like other people. She doesn't experience life like other people. I might have known that if I had been asking her questions about her experience of life, without a mental template of what was good and acceptable with which I measured everything she said and did. If I had been parenting with the idea that there is a wide range of human experience, and all of it is acceptable, I might have learned much earlier what kind of mom she needed me to be. As a Christian mom, I was never encouraged to ask that question. The Bible had the answer to that question, and there were plenty of Christian authors to explain it to me, should I need more than the weekly sermon and a good look around to get it through my thick skull.

I didn't need to try to empathize with or understand my daughter: I needed to demand that she empathize with and understand others. If she couldn't (when she couldn't) do that, it was plain enough what was going on. She had a sinful, selfish heart, and was in rebellion to the Word of God. There is only one right way for a Christian child to be: cheerfully obedient, appropriately compliant to whatever was expected in the moment. Everything else is rebellion, and can be trained out of them with the right effort.

I am ashamed to admit that I punished my daughter for being who she intrinsically was. I shamed her for being who she was, as who she was did not fit according to the template of acceptable evangelical Christian thoughts/feelings/actions. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. If I thought there was any depth of remorse I could feel that would undue the damage, I would dig deep into depression and regret and stay there as long as it took. Since that won't help at all, I won't go that route, though that also is an unhealthy ideal I picked up along the way in Christianity. Sackcloth and ashes- if you are really, really sorry enough, long enough- moves the heart of God like nothing else, at least according to some Old Testament stories.

Thankfully, I didn't have the stomach to keep it up forever. When I saw my daughter hurting so badly in middle school/high school, I backed the hell off. I was willing to suffer the shame (yes, I wrote shame- sad but true, it's how I internalized it, and that's how the Christian community dished it out, too) of allowing her to be herself, because it was plain that she needed that freedom in order to know she was loved. In my evangelical delusion, I thought that such sacrifice on my part would result in healing for whatever hurts she was suffering, and THEN she would transform into the perfect Christian girl!

Little by little, over the last eight years, I have come to understand who she really is inside. She is beautiful, inside and out, just as she is. She does not need to change.

She doesn't need to feel anything she doesn't authentically feel. Not feeling on cue does not make her an amoral monster. She is as loving and sweet as anyone else, just not on cue.

She doesn't need to clean up her artistic bent. She is an amazingly talented artist, and while her style isn't as dark as it used to be, there was nothing wrong with her earlier darker images. She was expressing dark truths, which do also exist you know, as surely as sunshine and rainbows.

She does not have to become an athlete. She will never be very athletic, and who really cares? Adults aren't put into high pressure athletic events against their will. Awana is over, finally and forever. I just wish I hadn't made her try to fit in there as a child.

There are ways in which her neurologically atypical brain will always be at a loss. She will always have trouble navigating through space in an absent-minded professor sort of way. She will dress in a manner that is aesthetically pleasing to her, and if it burns someone else's moral or fashion sensibilities, they had better not tell me about it. I think she is freaking amazing, and I will back her up to anyone, anytime.

I hate that she smokes, because I love her fresh pink lung parynchema and want it to be nurtured forever. But since she likes it, I accept it. I refused to feel shame for anything about my daughter ever again. I am proud of her in every way.

Thank God (literally) that I quit trying to make her into something she is not when I did. I just wish I could have back all those early years to enjoy her for who she is, and be better equipped to help her find her place in this world without all the shaming and yelling and frustration on my part. I don't have a time-machine, but I will pay for her therapy, and pray that somehow the love of God can heal the damage I did back then.

She'll never be evangelically fashionable, which was what I was striving to produce in her all those years. Nope, she is much better than that. She is authentically who she is, and I love her for it. Shine on, beautiful. Someone cue up Katy Perry's song "Firework".

Depression sucks

2011-12-16T05:30:00.000-08:00

Things are going a bit better this morning, though depression never plays fair so that could change at any time. At least there were large swathes of uninterrupted sleep last night.

I spent a lot of time researching depression yesterday, specifically, major depressive episodes. I am also doing my best to encourage and love on my husband as much as I can. It's tricky, because when he needs it most is when he is most cynical about my sincerity. That is a hallmark of depression. Depression sucks. I hate it.

One of the articles I read yesterday was this:

Ability to Love Takes Root in Infancy

This particular paragraph jumped out at me:

“Before you can remember, before you have language to describe it, and in ways you aren’t aware of, implicit attitudes get encoded into the mind” about how you’ll be treated or how worthy you are of love and affection, he said. While those attitudes can change with new relationships, introspection, and therapy, in times of stress old patterns often reassert themselves, the researchers note. A mistreated infant becomes a defensive arguer; a baby whose mother was attentive works through problems, secure in the goodwill of the other person.

A mistreated infant becomes a defensive arguer. It is a most apt and succinctly put description of my husband's communication style when what I have called "an abusive episode" is taking place. I have my own grandmother (and the great good fortune to have been born a twin, so that my mom sent us away to live with my grandmother as infants!) to thank for the reality that I can even attempt to "work(s) through problems, secure in the goodwill of the other person."

Yet another reason that the Pearls and Ezzos of this world should be shouted down so strongly by civilized society that they spend the rest of their lives hiding in obscurity, making bonfires of all their published works as an act of penance in hopes that they will find mercy at the end of their lives.

Anyway, it's certainly food for thought for me. I have a lot of IRL work to do today, so I won't put out all my comments on the subject right now. I have my own comment on yesterday's post which shares a bit more, if anyone is interested.

Peace and good will, SS

Depression is Getting Worse

2011-12-15T12:01:00.000-08:00

Yowch. On the heels of yesterday's post, my husband is sinking deeper into depression again. I have absolutely no idea what to do. He woke up at 2:30 and "couldn't" get back to sleep (I don't know if it is couldn't literally or was too sad in his thoughts so he wanted to try to distract himself with television?).

This worried me greatly, as insomnia is often a precursor to an abusive incident. I am starting to think the abuse is a manifestation of depression. He cried all morning, came home, cried all lunch. In between the crying when I hold him are the angry accusations that he was happy until *I* started talking to him. Not true of course, and in his more lucid moments he is really grateful for my being there.

He seems to be sucked into a vortex of shame. I am unable to help him.

I'm at a loss. Anyway, those of you who pray please pray. I am safe and so are my kiddos and I just got my grades back for the semester, 4.0 again. A ray of sunshine to close out with: I got a 96 on my Physics final exam. It took me four hours, but I pulled it off. Yay me!

Confession is Good.

2011-12-14T08:25:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, blogger changed the user interface and I am having a very hard time navigating the new layout. I am trying to publish drafts I left unposted at the time, but it's not working. I am not sure what the problem is, but I hope to get it figured out soon.

I have been refraining from posting about my reforming Crappy Home School Marriage for a couple of reasons. The number one reason being that my husband now reads here occasionally, and I don't want to offend or discourage him. The second reason is that if my anonymity is ever breached, the highly personal nature of my blog could affect my family in ways I never intended. That explains my caution.But I owe it to my readers, especially other home school moms in crappy marriages, to be honest about the whole journey. Trying to heal an abusive relationship is hard. The road is not a freshly paved express highway to fulfillment and happiness. It is under construction, and we all know what that means: delays, rough conditions, and sometimes debilitating collisions that don't always end well. It looks so far like I am going to be one of the lucky ones, who makes it through to a whole relationship without irreparable,permanent loss. That does not mean it is still not a rough go.

My readers deserve to know that this Thanksgiving, I spent with my husband overnight in the Emergency Room. Howie Mandel's horrible show was an extreme trigger for my husband, whose missionary parents also want to be hailed as heroes when they are in reality abusive, self-centered asses. Though our entire family showed him much tenderness, compassion and understanding, he still could not break through the devastation of abandonment that viewing Mobbed brought out in full force. The evening ended with a suicide gesture.

When I figured out what was happening (he went missing for a bit) I went looking for him. He came home on his own accord while I was out, but we took him to the ER anyway. He stayed until morning, when a psych eval ruled that he was no longer in any danger and he was released. He followed up with a new appointment to check his meds and continued with his weekly counseling sessions.As distressing as this was, a friend pointed out that it could be a personal turning point. He took his anger out on himself instead of on his wife.

Maybe. I hope so, although in his depression, he tried to pin it on my preparing to be financially self-sufficient (and therefore preparing to also abandon him). Once he recovered he was able to ascribe his painful feelings of abandonment to his own inner state, rather than anything I had or hadn't done "to him". This is a huge breakthrough.

Also, it was that very evening, while he was out of the house, that I discovered the Date With the Family video clip. It explained SO MUCH about my husband: why he accuses me of not caring about his thoughts or feelings (not allowed by his family of origin) along with why he was so innately misogynist (in that video, the only good woman is the silent woman- every time a woman speaks it is allowed as an example of UNACCEPTABLE SPEECH/BEHAVIOR and the men are shown as IN THE RIGHT when they roll their eyes at the speaking women and share knowing glances of disgust) in spite of intellectually rejecting misogyny. The MST3K version is so spot-on about everything wrong with that 50s scenario.

The kids and I watched THAT version with him a few days after Thanksgiving, to hug him and tell him we think it sucked eggs that he grew up in such an emotionally abusive environment.Insisting on taking him to the hospital was key to taking this suicide gesture and making it his bottoming out experience. If we as a family had blown off this gesture, or been cynical about it, he would not be healing. If we had ignored it or dismissed it as overly-dramatic or mere foolishness, he would have continued the downward spiral. He needed to see that we CARE, that we take his life seriously. He did not need to be shamed, which is all he would have felt if we did not treat it like a medical emergency. The only other choice- to treat it as a moral failure- would have hurt him further. It was also have encouraged future repeat events, as we would have been saying it was no big deal if we did nothing in response.

As it is, he told me that when he opened his eyes the next morning and saw me smiling at him, it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He was not actively trying to kill himself, though he could have. He committed the cardinal sin for a missionary kid: he got drunk. He got miserably, embarrassingly, in-a-stupor-vomit-fest drunk. And since he is on anti-depressants, that made it a medical emergency. His meds are clearly labelled "do not drink alcohol with this medication".

I called his doctor for advice and was told to take him to the ER, so I did.In treating this as a medical emergency instead of a moral failure, we not only saved his physical life, we honored his heart. We also kicked denial right in the teeth as well. No one could just pretend nothing happened the next day. Something big had happened, and we treated it as such.

The very good news is that my husband is talking now. He talks about his unhappy feelings, his happy feelings, his bored feelings. He has FEELINGS! And he is dealing with his parental issues, instead of making everything about me. This is progress.

We are three years into my five year plan, and I am right on schedule. If I get accepted into the school to which I have applied, I will be able to work in the field in thirty months at the earliest. I can be proud of that. I should be done with my own EMDR therapy by summer, if not before. I read my print off from Youarenotcrazy.com every day. I am so much happier and confident about the future, no matter whether my marriage works out or not.

On my spouses part, he has been steadily working at getting his own life together since I shared my plan with him. He completed the 20 week Life Skills program, and still refers to the notebook when one of us (usually me) calls a time-out. He also reads a copy of my print off from Youarenotcrazy.com every day. He went to the sleep clinic and his sleep apnea is now treated. He is in weekly EMDR counseling. He saw a doctor about his depression and is on medications. He is exercising regularly and eating more healthy. Things are looking better for his future as well, no matter how things turn out between us.

It really looks like things are going to turn out good between us, I will cautiously admit. He regularly thanks me for being his friend these past two weeks. He is talking more and about more personal stuff than ever before. We are both pretty happy.

And none of this good- not one bit of it- would be happening if I were still silently suffering in submission! So, to all my readers, don't take any more Poison for your marriage. Stand up for yourself and in doing so, begin an end to the abuse and a start on a life of peace and good will. It won't happen overnight, but it will never happen if you don't start standing up for yourself.

Merry Christmas, SS

A Brief, Recent History of US-Iran Relations

2011-11-26T14:29:00.000-08:00

A link from a home school boy I am proud to have met on the net!

Another great presentation on Iranian culture:

Family Idols

2011-11-26T06:58:00.000-08:00

Read this
and then go watch this and tell me,
how the hell did this happen?

Abusers, flash mobs, and Howie Mandel

2011-11-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

My family couldn't wait to talk about last night's episode of Mobbed today.

They were repulsed.

They were traumatized.

They were disgusted.

I watched it this morning online, and I concur. It WAS repulsive and disgusting.

That poor daughter and that poor abandoned wife, set up on national television to take part in the "what a great guy the abusive man is" spectacular. Howie even ends it all by telling the abusive husband and father, "You are the man!"

For a family that is healing, this show highlights everything wrong with abusive men. First, the abusive dad has set the whole thing up in public, on national television, so that if the abused women in his life don't just immediately forgive and adore him, THEY look like the douchebags instead of him. Public displays of affection, devotion and remorse are common among abusive men. The public face is always that of all-around great guy.

Pukish.

Second, he gets to abuse his daughter on national television, with Howie Mandel's help! Before his grand entrance as the remorseful dad, begging for forgiveness, HE ABANDONS HER AGAIN, RIPPING OPEN HER BROKEN HEART and then imploring her to forgive him on national television.

Why abandon the girl first? What the hell, Howie? How did wounding her afresh make your flash mob of "love" a better production? I hope they both (mother and daughter) sue the shit out Howie for the emotional battering that girl took on national television. That was so effing cruel,to have Dad call and say he wasn't coming and hang up on the DAUGHTER HE ABANDONED! The producers of this show actually did that! Howie had his arm around the dad while he was doing the dastardly deed!

Who would do that? They have no psychological consultants on this show? They are going to go involving themselves in people's most painful traumas for entertainment value, without any concern that they might be helping to revictimize these women?

Unbelievably cruel, that's what it was.

So, they helped this abusive man start off the show re-traumatizing the daughter, then REFUSE TO LET HER LEAVE!!

Howie is giving secret instructions to his employees to not let this crying, confused, distraught woman leave. The rest of the show people are smiling, enthusiastic, giving high-energy performances at Howie's direction, doing everything possible to manipulate this girl to act happy.

If they were decent people they would have just stopped. They would have let that girl leave, taken her somewhere safe that she could try to recover from this fresh abandonment from her father. To be fair, most of the people involved in the production probably didn't know about the abusive phone call that started the event. I don't think the mother did, since she got out of the limo smiling at her daughter. Still, Howie and his producers KNEW. They made it happen!

But no, at Howie's direction, his employees lead the daughter into the flash mob, where people sing nice words to her while her heart has just been ripped open. She smiles the smile of the abused, but her body language- arms closed around her body, hand covering her face- tells the truth that she wants to disappear and find a safe place; that where she is at the time is not safe. And you know what? It was not.

The whole extravaganza was a power play by the abusive husband. Public displays of grandeur are common with abusers.

The whole thing was about him, not about his daughter. I am sure those women have been through this before. Love bombing, is what a friend called it recently. She rightly told me that women stay in abusive relationships because they forgive too quickly. The abuser says he's sorry and then love bombs them. Ostentatious displays of affection: roses, serenades, expensive gifts are often a part of it. The women want so desperately to be loved that they forgive, and the stage is set for the cycle of abuse to begin again.

This man was not sorry for abandoning his daughter. He would never have started off the show by abandoning her again if he understood the damage his abandonment had already done. He manipulated Howie into helping him manipulate his daughter. Sick. Twisted. Horrifying.

Imagine how different the show would have been if dad showed up like he promised, showing he was a different man by BEING DEPENDABLE. The girl was so happy at the beginning of the show, thinking her dad was coming to support her in a musical production. If he had kept his word, and then the flash mob broke out, that would have been a beautiful sight to behold.

But, no. True to abusive form, he has to hurt his daughter before he can be good to her. There she is, heart full of hope, beaming, expecting her dad to show up....then the phone call.

"I'm not coming. I can't explain," he says and hangs up.

The girl is devastated.

It's obvious she's devastated. Does Howie do the compassionate thing and send a counselor down to talk to her? Does he cancel the show, and apologize for using her pain as a source of entertainment? I wish.

No,Howie has his employees steer her out to where the flash mob starts singing to her, and eventually, the abusive dad IN THE SPOTLIGHT, calls down to the daughter he just emotionally bitch-slapped on the phone and wants to be forgiven.

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen on television.

So, no one on Howie's staff knows anything about domestic violence/emotional abuse? No one checked around to see if this show was a good idea?

Grandiose statement of remorse are a hallmark of domestic abuse.

Apologizing in public, so the victim can't possibly have a real conversation about the pain the abuse has caused, is also a pretty common abuse tactic.

And Howie Mandel helps this man publicly humiliate his daughter AND praises him for it. Unbelievable. I want to believe he was duped out of ignorance, but honestly how can anyone be ignorant of domestic abuse in this day and age? Abandonment IS abuse, Howie. People who abandon ARE abusers. Call you local shrink to verify, but it's pretty common knowledge.

You can find the episode online somewhere. In the thirty-ninth minute, in the lower right hand corner of the screen, is one lone face that seems to reflect that he knows what is really going on. Everyone else, true to the script, keeps maniacally smiling and cheering like this is a great thing that just happened. Thank you, sir, whoever you are, for your sanity.

Howie Mandel helped a man use a flash mob and nationwide television to publicly emotionally abuse his daughter. They all try their best to manipulate the girl to say she's happy about it, but she honestly says instead, "I don't know how I feel."

Yeah, that's cause inside you're devastated, but a cast of hundreds is being used to emotionally manipulate you to be happy about your abuse. I hope that girl get some help.

Repulsive.

Iran: What would Jesus do?

2011-11-22T06:04:00.001-08:00

Stumbled upon this blog today, and I hope it will generate some thought among my thoughtful readers (if I still have any readers! =).
Christians call for impoverishing Iran

Fourteen years of patriotic teaching blown away in a day.

2011-11-16T19:21:00.000-08:00

Occupy Berkeley Police Brutality

All of our home school days I have supported law and order. I taught my children to respect authority. I taught them in kindergarten that the police were their friends, public servants who were here to protect citizens and apprehend criminals.

I also instilled in them a love of freedom, and especially the freedoms guaranteed in the Constitution of the United States. Freedom of speech, the right to peaceably assemble, and the right to live free from fear of tyranny (to borrow from Jefferson's Declaration) top the list.

My children are not inheriting the America I taught them to love. The last time the government engaged in this kind of thuggery was against the protesters in the Civil Rights Movement. Television crews carried the news into the living rooms of the affluent back then, and people were shocked.

Where is the outrage over the police brutality happening today? Is it even on the news? A whole generation is rightly losing respect for authority. These police actions are reprehensible. There are just no words that can convey the disgust my family felt when watching this footage.

For the cops who beat unarmed citizens who were committing no crime, I have only scorn. For the politicians who sent the cops out to do their bidding, I have seething anger. You stole my country and made me a liar to my children. At times like this, be grateful for one thing--that I am not god because you would surely suffer a painful correction. Grrr.

For the brave students who held their ground, chanting "stop beating students" while refraining from retaliating, I offer you my respect and my prayers. All of our hopes as a nation rest with you. Thank you for believing that things could be better, if we only found the collective will to make real changes. I stand with you. I support you. May you all prosper in all you set your hand to do. Peace and good will. SS

Death Train

2011-11-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched a documentary on Current TV about the people maimed and killed on Mexican trains, mostly Central Americans. These migrant workers knowingly taking this serious risk because, as I pointed out in my last post, the certain slow death by the grinding privations of poverty compel them to take those risks. I don't know what it will take for Americans to get the gravity of this situation through their thick skulls.

What's even more puzzling to me, is that this kind of willingness to risk (literally) life and limb for a chance at building a better life in America IS EXACTLY WHAT WE TEACH OUR CHILDREN MAKES AMERICANS GREAT. There is nothing going on in this country truer to our founding ideals that the brave men, women and children willing to face predatory violence, maiming accident, and repeated setbacks (literal setbacks, as in back to where you started from) for the opportunity to work their rear ends off in hopes of a better life.

They hypocrisy of the right wing on this subject, wiping away tears and waxing eloquent about our brave pioneer ancestors, who came to this country with nothing but determination and a willingness to work hard, astounds me. Not the part about honoring our ancestors. I'm all for that. It's the part about refusing to acknowledge the same qualities in the thousands of Latinos re-enacting our cultural myth right in front of our eyes.

These immigrants are amazing. I have nothing but respect for the vast majority. The pejorative of "law-breakers" or "illegals" is disingenuous. We Americans know how laws are made, repealed, and changed. We of all nations know that something is only illegal when the legislators say it is. Laws can be rewritten when they are counter-productive and unenforceable. Our immigration laws certainly fit that description.

I have been a conservative all of my adult life. I still am. What passes for conservative these days does not fit the definition I grew up with. Conservatism, as I understand it, is very pragmatic. It is not anti-change, but it is slow to act. It is not hopelessly trying to hold onto the past. Conservatism was always about moving ahead deliberately, weighing all the options.

In my beginning political life, conservatives were more populous in the GOP. The GOP had not yet been taken over by fundamentalists. We could still civilly discuss and advocate for the legalization of marijuana, legal recognition of committed gay relationships, and debate how to frame and respond to the obvious and unstoppable phenomenon of human migration patterns.

The GOP I grew up with is dead and gone. The current slate of candidates for office is embarrassing. I shrink in horror to think of any of them being responsible for foreign policy. I doubt if any of them are electable. Still, the way they have shifted the political climate in this country is bad for America. It is, in my opinion, un-American, and if I ruled the world they would be heavily fined for every American flag they dare to wave, fly, or hide behind.

It is un-American to treat our current laws as if they were handed down to us by God on Mt. Sinai. They were not. When a law is counter-productive to American interests, as our current immigration laws ARE, we have the ability and the moral obligation to change them. Creating new, more deadly barriers to these unstoppable, thoroughly American immigrants looking for a chance to work and build a better life here in the "land of opportunity" is inhuman.

I can't imagine a solution less intelligent or more embarrassing than the idea of a giant human-zapper stretched across the border to electrocute the people forced by starvation at home to migrate no matter how serious the consequences when they fail. That is not only un-American, it's inhuman. And it's not only inhuman, it's incredibly stupid.

Where are the conservative who were able to soberly face facts and readjust failed policies? American's current immigration policies are an epic fail, and it is NOT because our enforcement is lax. It's because enforcement is impossible. No conservative worth his or her salt can possibly not see this.

Where are the clear thinkers who can face the facts? Where are the orators who can explain them in ways the general public can understand? Have we really morphed into a country of arrogant, redneck blowhards like the people to which the GOP presidential candidates are pandering?

This is ridiculous. Why aren't the think tanks pointing out to our politicians, "Hey, look at this new demographic trend! Central and South Americans will face any danger, any risk, for the chance to live and work in America. Trying to fight this trend is costing us huge amounts of money, putting a burden on our social assistance programs in some states, and putting the good citizens of our border states at risk from the ongoing criminal enterprises meeting this market demand. Why don't WE meet the market demand, by opening new venues for legal migrations, making the process quicker and more equitable to all willing to work when they get here, and charging them local annual worker permits to offset any local costs in social services?"

Conservatives, indeed all business-minded Americans, used to encourage innovative solutions to sticky problems. There was a time when a person who could come up with a creative win-win was celebrated! Peacemakers were honored as the sons of God, like the Bible urged.

I want that country back. I want back the country of good will, innovation, and hard work. I want back a country where consensus and compromise are valued. I want that America back. I want to be part of that proud tradition that Harriet Beecher Stowe, Sojourner Truth, Clara Barton, and Jane Addams carried on. I want the America that Emma Lazarus wrote of, at the turn of the last century:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest tossed,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

I don't want a wall; neither an electrified one nor one patrolled by armed guards. I want a port of entry, a new Ellis Island, and a country that continues the tradition of welcoming hard working immigrants as new Americans. Anybody know how I can get that?

"Humans are not illegal" and other thoughts

2011-10-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am disturbed because of the threat of persecution. This disturbs me, both because it exists in the first place and because of my cowardice in the face of that threat. My heroes are Deitrich Boenhoffer and Pastor Wurmbrand. My fear, but even more, my silence BECAUSE of fear, mocks me, as well it should. I claim to stand for more than this.

Now when I say "perecution", I don't mean mob violence or jail time- yet. The Tea Party is not yet in control of every locality, and I hope they never make it. But the level of vitriol out there coming from the right, and the religious right, intimidates me far more than I ever thought it would. I KNOW what will happen if I offer any public or vocal opposition to the current battle cries being used to whip the masses into self-righteous paranoia, leading them to attack an "enemy" in what the military calls "a pre-emptive counter-attack."

That was not a joke.

I am disgusted with myself, because I have never hesitated to share a political opinion in the past. I have always been a practical person, and I have always valued the ability to see both sides of an issue. I don't think compromise is a dirty word in politics. I think compromise and consensus are the foundation of democracy, and without it, you can't have a democracy.

I also have long considered myself a conservative. Heck, I was a subscriber to National Review since 1988! I only let it lapse after my husband got laid off, after the late great WFB had gone on to his reward. A conservative is not someone who holds any particular political position; a conservative is someone who keeps in mind the law of unintended consequences a la Jurassic Park's chaos theory. A conservative is not someone who ignores reality. In fact, I grew up politically believing that conservative's were the superior group because they did not try to work against natural human behavior, hence the support of capitalism and the skepticism about communism, and even the hesitation concerning socialism-leaning programs. When someone else is paying, we all have the tendency to run up the bill; it's just human nature. Witness the runaway costs in the major two-payer system in the US: health care and higher education. Actual consumers don't pay the bill, insurance companies, banks and parents do. It seems a tax-payer funded health-care and higher education could not do worse cost-wise, but cost is not the only consideration. Centralized decision making crushes innovation and would be deadly in that respect, so as a conservative, I still don't want only government health-care or only government-funded higher education. It would only replace one set of third-party payors with another, and stifle any dissent; dissent that is necessary for growth and progress in ANY field.

So that's where I sit now. As a long-time conservative because I believe in the necessity of dissent and competition in the marketplace of ideas, I am pretty ashamed of myself right now. I SHOULD be speaking up in my own political party, but I won't. I won't because the Tea Party scares me, the animosity of my fellows scares me, and I do not want to deal with the loss of friends and open disdain of people,formerly my close friends, who are at least keeping it under wraps for now.

I long for the ghost of Ronald Reagan to rise from the grave and slap the holy crap out of all these Tea Party posers using his good name to advance their facist cause. Did you know Ronald Reagan supported unions? Yes, he did. Did you know Ronald Reagan passed an amnesty initiative while in office, making citizens of thousands of formerly illegal immigrants? He did. He did so because he actually respected the determination and work ethic of people willing to do anything to make a better life for themselves and their families. That's the same reason he respected and accepted unions, and was formerly president of the Screen Actor's Guild. I am also pretty confident that he knew about the homosexual orientation of many of his fellow's in the acting world, and didn't care one way or the other. How dare the Tea Party keep quoting him, as if he would agree with them were he alive today! Unbelievable.

There was a reason he was elected by a landslide. He actually listened to people and valued them. He welcomed dissent. He and Tip O'Neil would go at it in public, as political opponents should, sharing dissent and making their case. But there was no ill will afterwards. The Gipper understood that at the end of the day, we are all Americans and we are all on the same team.

My fellow conservatives-turned-Tea Party have left that good will behind. An opposing opinion is not one that deserves consideration. They KNOW they are 100% completely correct on every issue, and they are convinced that they know exactly what needs to be done in this country. Judging by their rhetoric and behavior, what they think is best for America is to end the democratic process. Compromise is a dirty word to them, and they think building consensus is traitorous.

They think they have God on their side, just like the Taliban, and though they haven't resorted to violence yet on a mass scale, small scale it is already happening. Note the anger in this man's voice, standing there, holding a knife, daring people to fight him personally or give up their right to freedom of expression. He didn't call the police to report a crime, let the business owners be confronted with their crime and have the opportunity to reverse the order of their flags. No, this man is in a violent rage of self-righteousness. He can take the law into his own hands because he is right. This scares the hell out of me:

Reno NV Newscast

American "conservaticism" is not conservative at all. When you threaten other citizens with a weapon in one hand, and violent emotion in the other, that looks nothing at all like the Gipper good-naturedly smiling and waving at Dan Rather on the way to his helicopter. This is nothing I want to be associated with, and I am a stalwart patriot with a family history and continuing legacy of military service. They can't serve if they get all full of vitriol like this veteran. He would rightly be discharged dishonorably for breaking the law publicly like he did, threatening fellow citizens with violence and taking the law into his own hands.

I have to go back to studying. I want to write a highly personal post about the unethical practices of my pastor, how I got taken in by them, and have come to regret it. I want to share the political picture I am too afraid to put on my facebook, knowing if/when I do, it will come at great personal cost. The people I have called my own will at best isolate me and exclude me socially, and they are the only people I have. We all need social acceptance.

So here is a picture I do have the courage to post, and a facebook note I completely agree with on every point. At one point, a conservative was allowed to favor changing immigration laws to better fit reality, and even get elected president on the GOP ticket! Not anymore. What's a girl to do?

When I wanted to teach my children about immigration patterns, I had them look up the GNP of the countries of the Western hemisphere. Here's a link:
Where is all the money/opportunity?
I pointed out, see, this is where all the wealth is being created. These dark spots. Where is the most wealth in this hemisphere? Yep, the USA and Canada.

In the wild, if one region has all the resources- take water, for instance, or grazing land- that's where the animals migrate. Depending on how great their need, these animals will take more dangerous risks to get there. Remember those specials where the animals come to the river to drink, even though they see the lions and the crocodiles waiting for them in plain sight? They are so thirsty, they have to risk it.

If people are willing to risk the dangers of immigrating, and/or of being sent back once they get here, they must be in some pretty serious need. And they will keep coming, if their need is that great. We can increase the dangers, but they will still come if their need is great enough.

A friend has recently been to the Dominican Republic for a month, he gets it. He saw the many people with cut and bleeding feet because they have no money for shoes. Children are more likely to have shoes than adults, because they outgrow them sometimes before they ruined and that pair can help another child. But not the adults.

He made friends that live literally hand to mouth. Not paycheck to paycheck- they don't get paychecks. They get paid at the end of the day, and it's just enough to eat the next day and maybe some more for rent, bills. SERIOUSLY. He was so concerned when he heard one of his friends had a fever, because it meant he could not eat the next day since he missed work. Forget the doctor's visit. Forget medicine. He wouldn't have food unless someone just as close to nothing shared their food with him.

When I hear the Repulbicans talking about putting up a fence around all our wealth to keep out the needy and desparate willing to risk the theives, murderers, and cheating empolyers, just for the hope that maybe things will be better for them in America, it turns my stomach. It turns my stomach because so many Christians are GOP, loudly and proudly GOP!

How then can they advocate building a fence around our riches so Lazarus the beggar won't bother us with his presence at our gate?

Andif they say," Lord, when did we see you hungry or sick or naked?"

"Don't you know?", Jesus will answer, "You built a fence to keep me away so you wouldn't have to look at my naked, sick, starving self."

The ugly reality of mixing politics with religion is that Jesus no longer guides the American church. No one is praying or seeking the counsel of Jesus on any of hte contremporty issues. Why should they? Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, the American Family Association, Michelle Bachmann, Herman Cain- they are your new messiahs. They tell you how to relate to people in your world (politics by another name) and who you should hate and fear and exclude.

And you buy it!!!

That's the most amazing part. You buy into it all: the fear and selfishness, blame the victim, denigrate the oppressed- and you claim it is the CHRISTIAN way!

People will emigrate to America because they are desparate for a better life, and I want that better life for them. Ronald Reagan gave amnesty to all who were willing to work for it, and many undocumented people took him up on it. They have been upstanding citizens, contributing good to our society. This generation of immigrants deserves the same opportunity.

The GOP debates sicken me. I can't believe I supported them for so many years. To my Christian friends still enamored of the GOP, I offer a challenge. Fast from all you right wing political emails, junk mail, radio programs- the whole thing, for thirty days. During those thirty days, pray and ask the Lord to show you His will for your life, your brief life, here on earth, and how you should live in relation to your fellow man.

If the Lord leads you to stay exactly the same as you are, supporting all the same people, so be it.

He is leading me to advocate for liberty and justice for all.

Peace and good will,

Who would to that?

2011-10-19T05:21:00.001-07:00

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night ( I think it was the tea I drank at bedtime. Maybe it had caffeine? It was Lipton Natural. Or maybe it's just the stress of school?) Once I did get to sleep, I woke at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. At 2:41 I moved to the couch so my tossing and turning wouldn't wake my husband.

At 6:30 when my husband gets up, he finds me on the couch and kisses me and wakes me up. I tell him I am on the couch because of my insomnia, and I didn't want to wake him. All well and good.

Then, for what can only be described as self-centered, possibly PAPD returning, he WAKES ME UP AGAIN AN HOUR LATER! To tell me he loves me?

Gee, if he loves me wouldn't he want me to keep sleeping?

Oh, damn it, I hope this isn't just building up to another ugly scenario. He does not get, apparently, how little I want to live like this. He does not have anymore credits to burn on PAPD behavior. They are all used up. It took twenty-five years, but they are all gone now.

Grrrr.

Happy Happy Day

2011-10-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am so freaking happy!

My daughter, my amazing daughter, is living her dreams! She has the career she wanted, the job posting she wanted, her own apartment, her own car, a full social life, beautiful art she continuously creates, and she is getting her degree studying the language she loves. I. Am. So. Happy!

She has roommates of her own choosing, activities of her own choosing, romantic interests of her own choosing, and when she truly leaves our home- meaning all the way out of state, where we can't meet up for dinner or drop by to see her latest art project- she will have a well-paying job and can easily afford her own place, food, clothes, everything she needs. And she is looking forward to that new experience, not afraid of it.

I am deliriously happy!

You see I had none of those things.

I was on my own at eighteen, aged out of foster care. I had no car, no job, no family support, no hopes or dreams, other than to just make it through another day. Oh, and I feel compelled to add, I went to twelve years of public school. (That was for my cyber-friend and reader who claims that public school is the golden key to finding your place in this world.) My daughter was home schooled from birth until she went to college. She is living her dreams at an age that I was hanging on to a minimum wage job and praying my car would hold together. Too sweet.

My other "children"- my son's best friend and the daughter of a former friend of mine- are also living their dreams. I KNOW I had a hand in that too.

My son's best friend spent more time with me from middle school on than he did either of his own parents. His dad was home, but not exactly a nurturer, and his mom was working late hours bringing home the bacon. They are his parents, and they love him and of course support him. But I was there encouraging him to hold on to his dream until he had the courage to tell his parents what that dream was, since it did not match the plan they laid out for him. He did, and he excelled at it, and when he got an audition for an arts school, his parents were ready to listen. Being the wonderful people they are, they finally caught the vision, and he is excelling with their blessing and support. Booyah.

My former friend's daughter came to live with me for a semester. She was flunking math so her mom sent her to me for a semester, to help her catch up. She was easy to teach, and caught up and moved ahead quickly in math. But more important, she learned about love, forgiveness, and what real family support felt like. She is still considered a sibling by my two children! Her mom was telling her she was ugly, fat and would never make it. When she left our house, she knew better. Instead of returning to her mom's, when she left our house she went to live with her dad and his boyfriend. She is now a happy sophomore in a major East Coast university, and I saw her post a picture of her beautiful self in a bikini on a social network this summer. Live the dream, young friend!

Then there's my youngest. I love that kid! He was sharing a poet with me today- amazing stuff! He is such a deep thinker with such a big heart- both the poet and my son! (But mostly my son.=)

He has his first job and they love him! He is still doing school, so he applied for 10-20 hours a week, but it's always at least 20. He is a really good musician. When he was really young he played cornet, then baritone, but now it's electric bass. He has a duo with another home school friend of his, a sweet little vegetarian rocker who is in public school this year. (Incidentally, it was taking a Brit Lit class in my house that I facilitated that inspired her to go to the arts magnet school. I'm just inspiring like that. I wrote her recommendation letter. =)

In addition to his music, work and school, he also kick-boxes and does Tae Kwan Do. He beat his kick-boxing instructor in all three rounds the other day. He came home glowing that his instructor said he had taught him all he could. Since his instructor is ex-military, currently a police officer, that made the teen feel pretty good.

He applies to the local private university on Monday, and then he's applying for their biggest scholarship. I hope he wins. His big dream is to be a doctor, and I believe he will make it. He's always been an enthusiastic leader, starting with playing center on community league football when he was eight years old. He was the unofficial leader of his team of volunteers in Dominican Republic this summer, and made some lasting friendships there both with his public schooled peers and his college student sponsor.

Politically, he keeps me informed and opens my mind to new perspectives, which I love. Anyway, all my praying friends, keep him in your prayers next week. Also, he's trying to get a donation of shoes to the kids in the D.R., so pray for success there too. And my non-praying friends, just send good thoughts his way.

No time to edit this. I have to go to bed. I have a TON of school tomorrow! Goodnight!

Buddy Wakefield: Human the Death Dance

Not again,. Damn it to heck, to heck I say, to heck.

2011-10-12T06:26:00.001-07:00

Hubby was an ass again yesterday. >=[ THAT hasn't happened in a while. As you can tell by my icon, I was/am not happy about it.

Also, therapy is dredging up a lot of things I would not rather deal with. I hope they will all eventually be resolved and life will go on better than ever. However remembering what it was like to be a teen myself is very unsettling.

Alternately I am depressed and hopeless, cynical and hard, and angry. I hate being in no-win situations, and I lived in one growing up in my family of origin. As much as I usually avoid them when I recognize them, unfortunately with therapy right now it is looking like I am possibly contributing to the creation of them.

Also the fear is familiar and disgusting. I have actually been panicked about smallish issues as if they were the end of the world should I have a less than perfectly spotless performance.

Not true. God makes a way when there is no way. I know in my heart there is no such thing (other than physical things- I can't live above the laws of physics) that can't be fixed. I need to just chill.

I need a chill pill. Oh yes, do I wish it was that easy: take one pill and all your fear would disappear. Not gonna happen. *sigh*

More later, I gotta go.

Real Biblical Economics

2011-10-05T15:18:00.000-07:00

Year of Jubilee, Anyone?

The 99% Occupy Everywhere

2011-10-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of our youth. I love what they are doing on Wall Street and in cities all across America. I will join them when I can, and throw my support their way with this blog post, an extremely modest contribution by all accounts.

Occupy Wall Street

Many, many people are frustrated by the status quo. Initially the Tea Party tapped into this sentiment and won a lot of protest votes in the mid-term elections because of the people's frustration. It did not take long to realize that the Tea Party IS the status quo, on religious steroids. Ugh!

For the last year, I have been telling all the teenagers in my life that I have put my hope in them. Maybe they can bring the troops back home, end welfare for the ultra-wealthy and the corporations offered by our current tax code, create jobs in America, secure freedoms for everyone (including the ones religious people don't like!), end the insanity of the drug war, welcome courageous immigrants wanting to be a part of the American ideal and make America once again the land of the free and the home of the brave.

They started earlier than I expected. God bless them. God prosper them. Watch the video on the home page of this link. Pray for these kids, that nefarious forces don't takeover their genuinely populist movement of LOVE and PEACE!

(These kids are talking about LOVE- the Tea Party rallies are filled with anger. What a contrast!)

The mainstream media has ignored these kids for two weeks. Big money interests are demanding a negative slant on all reporting, as they own the media.

Who are these police protecting? Who are they serving?

Notice that the police grab people who are doing NO WRONG, drag them under and behind the police barricade and arrest them. I saw one officer flop down on the backs of the legs of a passive protester who was not resisting in any way, and was already down on the ground, cuffed. This is unbelievable. These peaceful protesters were not violent. All the violence was on the side of the NYPD. I cried when I saw the girls get maced. I have asthma and getting maced could kill me. Those girls are behind the police barricade and making no attempt to cross it when they were maced. Unbelievable.

Move over, Tea Party. Looks like there is a new option for people who are unhappy with the status quo, and it's not "status quo coated in religion", which is what the Tea Party has turned out to be.

The Tea Party is pro-big government (proposing new laws everywhere they've been elected, laws that further restricts the rights of everyday Americans, especially women and homosexual citizens), pro-corporate welfare, pro-war, anti-working class, believes people in need of public assistance are just lazy, ignores the contributions that so-called "illegals" make to our country every day- the Tea Party is unbelievable mean-spirited and pro-staus quo.

The 99 per centers are idealistic, but we need a good dose of idealism. They want to tax the elite wealthy, who (according to Warren Buffet) don't need the coddling the Tea Party offers. They want to create jobs in America. They want to make room for the "illegals" who, guess what, are people too and are already here. They want the government to seriously look for alternative clean energy, not support the carbon-based status quo. They are against letting people starve or die from lack of health care because they are under- or un-employed. They want basic civil liberties for even the ones religious people don't like (safeguards that are only necessary because religious people who don't like them won't treat them fairly without being forced to do so!). I hope they will also end the prohibition against marijuana, release those imprisoned for non-violent crime, get rid of the death penalty or at least make it so difficult to apply that it takes more than a conviction "beyond reasonable doubt" and requires absolute, irrefutable proof of guilt with forethought.

And finally, bring our troops home! Surely the damage we did to the infra-structure in Iraq is repaired by now. We got Osama bin Laden, our reason for invading Afghanistan. Bring our sons and daughters, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers home from foreign soil! Enough is enough. It's been over ten years. Let's call it a win and walk away. It's time.

There you have it folks, an alternative to the status quo. Way to go, 99 Per Centers! I support you.

God bless the 99 Per Cent.

Police appearing to escort protesters to the Brooklyn Bridge, where they are corralled and arrested (700 arrests), Wall Street mnions sipping champagne and laughing at the sight? Wanna bet they know what's about to happen?

Stumbled upon the blog: Cognitive Discopants

2011-09-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

In real life, I was pretty surprised to be smacked with my pastor's disapproval of my recent political postings on facebook. First of all, since when did my political beliefs become my pastor's concern. Heck, I go to a LUTHERAN church! But then, the church itself doesn't have a great track record historically concerning politics (cough* nazis* cough*), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But I am.

I have always been involved in politics, ever since I came of voting age. I have stumped for politicians, attended precinct platform committee meetings, read through volumes of political literature and voted in most elections available to me. I take the responsibility to vote very seriously. Being an American citizen comes with a huge responsibility. I believe we are each responsible not only to vote, but to discuss the issues openly and advocate for what we think is right.

No one is going to shame me out of fulfilling that responsibility.

My religion is only a part of my politics in that it has helped shape my personality and values. While the right is continually appealing to people politically in the name of God, I have a long standing tradition of resisting that kind of rhetoric. That kind of rhetoric is flying fast and hard on right wing radio, and in religio-political emails, letters, and sermons. Thankfully I have never heard such a sermon in my church!

Which I guess I mistook for level-headednes and a desire on my pastor's part to major on Jesus and keep the line of separation between the kingdom of God and the realm of Caesar separate. My bad.

If that's how it is going to come down from my pastor because I support gay rights, what will happen if he finds out I am coming to believe that a universalist reading of the Bible is the most true to scripture? As Talbot pointed out in this book "The Inescapable Love of God" there are three truths (all have scriptural support, depending on the presuppositions you bring to your reading of scripture) which the Bible seems to teach BUT they cannot all three be true:

#1 God is omnipotent, and what He wills He can accomplish.

#2 God will is to reconcile all things in heaven and earth to Himself through Christ.

#3 God will punish some people in hell for all eternity; they will never be reconciled to God.

The Calvinists get around this contradiction by denying proposition #2. They find scripture to support the idea that God does not really want all to be saved, and that's how they make peace between #1 and #3.

Arminians decide that #1 is the proposition to be finangled with, as in God has created a mountain even He can't move in giving man free will. They find scripture to support their belief and ignore scripture that belies their belief, or explain it away, LIKE WE ALL DO.

The universalist position is that #1 and #2 are true, and therefore #3 must be false. They do not deny the existence of hell, but they do deny that hell is eternal and that whose who experience hell will never be reconciled to God. What I personally know of the character of God, my own sense of justice, and my logical brain tell me that the universalist position provides the best fit with the revealed heart of God in Jesus Christ, the writings of the apostles, and the fact that Judaism never taught the existence of hell. That was a Greek concept. (Sheol=grave,the ground, where you are buried when you cease to be alive. Gehanna=city dump outside of Jerusalem, where worthless garbage was burned. Hades= the Greek god of the dead, a place known as the underworld where the dead who were not invited to the Elyssian fields continued their existence. My Greek mythology is very rusty, so I may be wonky on that point.)

So, if my pastor is labelling me "enemy" because I support civil unions for American citizens who can't marry in the traditional sense, I wonder what label he would give me if he knew- AFTER YEARS OF STUDYING SCRIPTURE AND CHRISTIAN THEOLOGY- that I was embracing the universalist reading of the Bible as the most accurate?

Once again, heading outside the camp to where Jesus is...Hebrew 13:13

My comment of the Cognitive Discopants blog:

"Thank God for the internet! I am so glad to have found others who love Jesus and the Bible and are coming to the same conclusions I am. The evangelical/fundamentalist world apparently WANTS hell to be eternal and for people who don’t join their religion, which is very discouraging to me. I have heard them say that without the threat of eternal punishment, why would people come to Jesus? Seriously? Uh, to experience the uxurious, unilateral love of God right now? To know the joy that comes from accepting that God delights in you and accepts you just as you are? To seek wisdom from the Creator of all things about how to live your life here and now in light of His eternal mercy?

What they really fear is that if people actually begin to grasp that the gospel means, as Paul wrote, “that God has reconciled the world to Himself, not counting men’s trespasses against them”, then said people will no longer need to attend their church, pay their salary, and let’s face it, allow themselves to be manipulated from the pulpit to do whatever it is that MOG wants them to do. In this organized Christianity as it currently exists does have much to lose by “giving up” the doctrine of hell.

Fear is an amazingly effective motivator. Organized Christianity is afraid that we will no longer be afraid of hell. Fear of punishment gives religion great power over people’s lives, and apparently the ones at the lead in that power structure have no plans to give up that source of control.

Ironic, isn’t it, that the apostle John wrote, (I John 4) ” 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us.”

Repost: Religion-less Home Schooling

2011-09-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

Religion-less Home Schooling

The Left Foot of Fellowship

2011-09-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

This should probably be much more well-thought-out and much less rushed. I have been doing all my posting in a hurry these days. I am really busy with school and very happy with my progress. Studying/schoolwork is my top priority, then laundry, then cooking and finally cleaning. Blogging sneaks in between laundry and cooking usually, but it belongs at the end of the line. So, I have little time for composition and less for editing. Sorry.

I saw a documentary last night while I was doing homework.It was called "Born Again" and it was about a young girl raised in a strict fundamentalist home (like my husband's) who was never happy or at peace with herself. As a teen, she finds she is secretly attracted to other girls. She eventually goes to college, and after a long struggle with depression and fear of damnation, eventually gets a girlfriend. Along the way she becomes an atheist as well, and it was no simple process or flippant decision. Her family of origin disowns her, and only calls or writes to tell her they are praying for her and that she is deceived by Satan. She longs to be loved unconditionally, but only finds that kind of love from her girlfriend and the new life they build together. She calls it being born again. I totally get where she is coming from.

The thing is, I have written those kinds of letter to my own relatives. Ouch. I believed my love was unconditional, but it wasn't. My approval hinged on how well my family member fit in with my theology. Not fitting in with my theology meant (in my mind at the time) eternal damnation, and before I could even begin to relate on any other level, that issue had to be settled, for me. My loved one had already made her own mind up, and I wasn't going to be able to change it. Why did changing her mind mean more to me than loving her unconditionally?

I equated love with approval, and approval with love. I couldn't help myself. If I did not approve of your choices, and they were in my mind of theological significance, then I couldn't accept you until you changed your choice. I think it was charismatic T.L. Osborn who got me out of that ditch, probably unintentionally! He once said that if you believe someone is destined for hell, than why would you want anything less than the best for them on this earth- as this reality was as good as it would ever get for them.

Big thought.

Since then I have been reading many verboten books- The Shack, Love Wins, God of the Possible, and most recently, The Inescapable Love of God. I have been reading the Bible with new eyes. Taking off the lens of fundamentalism is harder than I ever imagined. I had no idea how many religious presuppositions I decided before I even began to read a passage, not until I started confronting some of them. Who knows how many more I have to face off with in the future?

I have also been adding up my personal experiences with church and church people. It's a really interesting personal inventory to take. And it's not easy. These are people the Lord loves. His body was broken for them as well as me. His blood was shed for them as well as me. These people, who are so picky about who is allowed to speak and what they are allowed to say, these people are flesh of His flesh and bone of His bone. And He is my beloved.

So, I guess this is enough rambling for one post. Peace and good will, SS

Questions of a Historical/Theological Nature

2011-09-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

Matthew 7:15 “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

The above passage is taken from the most famous sermon ever preached- the Sermon on the Mount given by no less than the Lord Jesus Christ himself!

Why then do we honor and exalt the people that we do in Christianity?

I am a studious person by nature, and after hearing so much about the venerated Saint Augustine, I finally picked up a copy of his Confessions and read it.

What a reprobate.

While he was positing this (imo erroneous) doctrine of original sin that would become THE cornerstone of evangelical Christianity for centuries to come, he was sleeping around with a mistress- and had no shame about it at all. Later in his autobiography, when he decides to commit all the way to Christianity, what do you think he does? Marry his mistress and give their love child a place in society equal to children of "legitimate" homes? Not even close. He abandons them completely to join a monastery! W. T. F. Did no one ever consider the fruit of his life before honoring him and treating his ideas as if they were on level with the words of Christ? How many of the "early church fathers" were selfish, slutty people? I wonder...

Not only that, I am pretty sure that Augustine was the first church voice to approve of violent means of conversion. I will have to research that further when I have time. Again, huh to the nth power? Why did anyone ever elevate this person and his thoughts to such a high status?

I am pretty sure the answer is that he supported Constantine's wholesale takeover of the church and subsequent politicizing/institutionalizing of the body of Christ. This gave him a position of respect by propaganda, one that has weathered scrutiny for centuries, mainly because people excuse his sin as a product of his time. The warnings of Jesus to judge people by their fruits is ignored, as if living in the first few centuries of the church meant that being slutty and a deadbeat dad would not have merited conviction from the Holy Spirit. Yet Jesus spoke all his words about fruit, the honor and care that children deserve, and the importance of marriage centuries earlier. Even the Apostle Pauls injunctions against immorality were well known to Augustine and the rest of the church in their time. It makes no sense to excuse his really rotten fruit by saying that he didn't know any better.

Fast forward to Calvin. He had his enemy murdered over a doctrinal dispute! MURDER!!! And people excuse this as a one-off!!! Because the self-importance of theologians is way more impressive to scholars of the faith than the very plain, simple, straight-forward words of the Son of God!

Even my own dear Luther is not worthy of emulation or honor to the extent with which some people want to laud him. He was an open hater of Jews! I myself have repeated the excuse that he was just a product of his times, but that is such a lame excuse. Jesus said to love our neighbors as ourselves, and even to love our enemies and do them good CENTURIES earlier! It's not like Luther never read those passages. He CHOSE to hold onto his hate in spite of the words of Christ. He has no more excuse than anyone living today.

Deitrich Boenhoffer, whom I love for his desire to see racial equality in the church and his detestation for the Nazi regime, was a sexist jerk. I hold out hope for him, that if he had gained the opportunity to marry his eyes would have been opened to the injustice of his doctrine. We will never know, since Hitler murdered him while he was yet single. But still, the words of the Apostle Paul that in Christ is "neither male nor female" were right there in black and white where he could see them. All the honor and respect Jesus showed to female disciples had been in plain view for centuries. To quote a comedian, "I think you see what you want to see..." That's all fine to explain these gross errors as unavoidable human foible if they are just average joes, but then don't make exalted doctrines out of such men's merely human thoughts. No one has done that with Dietrich, but St. (cough cough) Augustine, Calvin and Luther are given that power. Unbelievable.

Why is it that the church has dismissed Jesus warning to us? He told us to look at people's lives, and only listen to those whose personal choices matched up to the life of love disciples are called to live. So how did a slutty, deadbeat dad, a cold-blooded murderer and a racist wind up "church fathers"?

They're not MY fathers, that's for sure!

Of a Personal Nature

2011-09-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know what I am up to these days. =D

I am taking three classes this fall, including Physics (with Trig even!). This makes me very happy. I had not learned any trig or geometry until I learned it to teach to my home school students. I am thrilled that I am able to keep up in this class. I am working hard to earn another A, at least that's my goal. The other two classes, Intercultural Communications and Medical Terminology II are subjects that fascinate me. I am looking forward to knocking them out of the park.

I finished up the CNA course work and clinical trials. I take the state exam on September 29th, for all who pray for me. I would appreciate your prayers. Normally the test is supposed to take place within two weeks of the end of course work, but due to a scheduling error I am taking it over a month later. I need to remember every detail to pass the test. I plan to review like all get out, but prayers on my behalf will no doubt help too. :)

Other than the above, I will have met all the requirements to apply for the 21-month course of training I need to pursue the career I want. I am competing with hundreds of other applicants for a mere fifteen spots. I am giving it my all. The application deadline is January 31st, and I will know the middle of February if I make it.

I am still in EMDR therapy and I still highly recommend it. Nuff said there.

My husband is still in therapy and on anti-depressants. While he has struggled with bouts of worsened depression since we visited his parents at the end of July, it has been nowhere near as bad for me as life got last March. The worst was two weeks ago, which I published on this blog and then removed again. I put it back up just now. I am happy to say that he fully admitted his fault and admitted that what was really going on was a worsening of his depression since visiting his folks again. Things did not continue to build up after that admission. Merely coming out of denial was a benefit, and while he still struggles with feelings of shame and abandonment, he isn't blaming me. Progress.

My daughter is a senior in college this year, and next year the Air Force will spirit her away. I plan to make the very most of the time left with her so close.

My son is back from the Caribbean. His secular mission trip renewed his interest in becoming a doctor. He is applying for scholarships and colleges now. He does have one gap in his education that needs filled: I can not get the kid to write a killer essay. I was able to teach my daughter, and I can write a quality paper myself. But I just can't get the kid out of the middle of the pack on this one. Pray that we will find a solution soon, as he is a senior in high school. (Personally, I blame facebook, twitter, reddit, etc. for teaching his brain to think in short, incomplete thoughts. *sigh*)

So, there you have it. Thank you for sticking with me, dear readers. Your support means so much to me.

Entitlements? vs Community Charity

2011-08-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

I have been arguing with some home school graduates on facebook about public assistance, commonly called "entitlement" programs by those who resent them. Without exception, the claim is being made that the community or the church will step in and take care of the disabled, children of addicts, the unemployable mentally ill, etc. Personally, I find that concept completely laughable, but for argument's sake, let's say it should happen. How would the community band together to help the poor among them?

Well, it would be totally unfair and unsustainable for the compassionate among us to be saddled with the whole burden of assisting any of these terribly needy groups. I mean, I am a compassionate person, but I do not really want to bring a mentally ill unemployable person into my home and provide shelter, food, clothing and medical care for them. It's unsustainable. I might be able to do it for a few days, but to be honest I am unwilling to do that. The personal cost to my convenience, safety and net worth are not something even a compassionate person like myself is willing to bear.

So, the only way to keep this person from starving, or robbing and possibly assaulting or murdering people for money to eat, is to offer some at least minimal assistance. Let's say they are too out there for church: who will help?

If our community decided to help, how would that happen? The fairest and cheapest way would be for each house in our neighborhood to chip in a little something. It should be either the same for every house, or tied to income so that the burden falls evenly on everyone by some definition at least. That will cut down on the resentment factor. If we were to expand the community a bit more, and say pool resources together in the entire zip code, we could do a better job of preventing starvation, homelessness and crime in the whole area.

But how to collect that money? If it's all voluntary, a lot of people won't help at all. That means a large burden for the people with the foresight to see that starving people in your community is bad for everyone. So there would have to be some way to enforce a common contribution from each household.

Then there is the problem of distribution. It would be a full-time job for someone to oversee the funds and distribute them fairly. We would need some sort of guidelines to determine who was in need and who wasn't. Coming up with those guidelines in a community wide meeting would be a disaster. Anyone who has tried to set a social calendar for a small community group for the coming year can testify to that. The only way such a meeting would work is if we had a small committee of people making the decisions.

How would we pick the people to serve on the committee? The way that first comes to mind is to get a representative from each neighborhood to come. The people in each neighborhood could choose from a pool of volunteers who could represent them. I don't see any other way to do that except by voting. If there were more than, say, a half a dozen neighborhoods in the zip code, the committee would still be too cumbersome. We would have to pool neighborhoods together into something representing districts and let them vote of which of the people volunteering to do the job the most people wanted for the position.

And then what if no one wants to volunteer after a season? That sure happened with our home owner's association. What our community wound up doing was paying a professional management company to handle our community business. Eventually we would need to pay these community representatives for their work, if we wanted people from the actual community to make the decisions.

Let's say this works, a committee is chosen, and they establish guidelines for money distribution. There needs to be someone in charge of reviewing applications to make sure the money is being allocated according to guidelines. This would no doubt take a lot of time, and the person in charge of this needs to be trustworthy. A volunteer to oversee the distribution would be highly suspect. I think it would be decided the person in charge should have credentials, and should get paid. If more people are applying than one person can process in a timely manner, we may have to hire another person.

Also, it wouldn't be long before people would want some sort of follow-up, to make sure that the children of addicts were getting fed, the mentally ill unemployable was safe and the community was safe, that the disabled were being cared for and not lying in their own waste while the checks went uncashed because they had no way to the bank, the grocery store, etc. Maybe we could get community volunteers to do this, but probably that wouldn't last long. Who wants to be burdened with overwhelming need in your fact all the time? I sure don't. Some people might be willing to do it as a job though. We could offer a salary for people who were willing to be the eyes and ears for the community charitable distributions.

So there you have it. Doesn't it look an awful lot like government? People from the community volunteer for the position, the community votes of the proposed names to select a fellow neighbor to represent them. Those doing the representing get paid something for their time. They have to have some sort of regulatory power to collect a little bit from everyone, or the system won't be sustainable. They need to have guidelines for distribution, someone in charge of distribution, and some people checking up on the recipients to ensure the money is actually helping.

I have just described the role of legislators, the Department of Health and Human Services, and the social workers they employ. For me personally, I am THRILLED to have other people take care of the distribution of funds and checking up on the recipients. I don't want to do it. And I am happy with the system where everyone contributes according to income (taxes) so I don't have to get personally involved.

The government IS the community! That is how the community already is banding together to help the needy among us. Just cut through the propoganda you've been taught by Vic Lockman and use your God-given brain to think about it for a bit.

You're welcome.

Bump in the Road?

2011-08-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

(NOTE: This post was removed by me almost immediately, in light of his apology and true turn-around shortly after I wrote this out. I am re-posting in the interests of honesty, for all who are following my story for whatever reason. The true journey- to healing or (less likely) divorce- should be shown to all. Too many people only post either the good or the bad, and the messiness of the journey is then obscured. And so the post removed is now re-posted.)

Well, the reptile brain is at it again. My husband is being a total jerk to me, and then responding back that my reactions to his abuse are, in fact, abusive to him. *sigh*

I know this happens to every woman in this situation. I am okay with having been so supportive for so long, because I can know that I have put scripture into practice and gone the extra mile. Still it sucks that after all this time, he still gives himself permission turn on me unexpectedly, and with such strong negative emotion. Yes, I understand it's all from within him, and what I said or did just happened to trigger an opportunity to vent all the feelings inside that are overwhelming him right now. But you know what? It doesn't look like my understanding this, or making allowances for it, are helping any.

It is starting to look like the only way to avoid being the target of his resentment is to avoid him. Ouch.

I will not stop being who I am. I will not stop asking questions or verbalizing the thoughts in my head that spring up in the course of a conversation. That is an essentially human quality, and it's why I can talk for hours on the phone with a beloved girlfriend. I will not become my mother-in-law.

The night my husband asked me to marry him, we were at his grandparent's house. That is one of the saddest relationships I have ever seen. His granny talked to her cats as if they were people, even supplying the other side of the conversation for them. His pappy watched sports on television. When my husband asked me to marry him, I told him that I was not signing up for a relationship like his grandparents. He agreed that what they had going on was awful, and that he would never let that happen to us.

Fast forward to today. Yesterday I tried to talk to my husband about how unequal our relationship seemed to be. Specifically, how I am always trying to understand him and support him, and he pretty much lets me take care of myself. I have some health issues that have been bothering me for months, some of which I have sought medical help for and others that I just accommodate. When I asked him how many times I had sought medical help for the one problem, he said once. I have been to the doctor about this problem three times in the past two months. Other symptoms are such that they are definitely noticeable and out of place-leg cramps/tension so bad I have to get up in the middle of the night to stretch and take ibuprofen, plus I have started sleeping with pillows at the end of the bed to prop my feet against to keep my legs sort of stretched while I sleep. See, this bothers me that he doesn't put any effort into understanding what I am going through, when I put so much effort into understanding what he is going through.

So, this morning, he started researching my symptoms online, and came up with a possible reason for them, which has to do with an unusual impulse purchase he made about a year ago. Naturally, imo, this led to my asking why does he think he makes such purchases. I expected a thoughtful response, anything from "I don't really know." to "When I was a child...." What I did not expect was being told that he was discussing my health symptom and we would not be discussing his behavior, and told in an ice-cold, menacing tone. His evolved human brain shut off; his reptile brain activated.

I left the room. I understood he had just been triggered, that much was obvious. What I am still working on is the balance between taking up for myself, in an attempt to save the relationship, or just leaving him alone, recognizing that there IS no saving this relationship. It seems like I would have to become my mother-in-law to have freedom from conflict, just allowing him to decide what I am allowed to bring up and meekly accepting that from him. But I have seen where that leads. She just continued to shrink in my father-in-law's estimation every time she 'submitted' to him, i.e. let him shut her down. That is not how I intend to live out my days.

So, I went back and told him how that made me feel. Waste of time. The communication-ending thing that abusers do, is portray themselves as victims in their own minds. In his mind, asking about his impulse purchases was clearly just picking on him, and now my returning to tell him that I felt shut down and marginalized was just more picking on him. His anger had not dissipated one iota. His point of view is set in stone. He was being a hero, looking up my symptoms and proposing a solution, and I was ungrateful.

The fact that he paid absolutely no attention to my health until I confronted him about it? Irrelevant. He should be honored for doing it now AS IF it was truly the result of his own empathetic heart and not something I prodded. And the solution? I should just be grateful he hit upon the possible solution, and ignore the fact that an impulse purchase he made a year ago might be the direct reason for my health problems. And my asking about why he thinks he does that, makes impulse purchases? That was not me trying to understand him; that was me shaming him, in his mind.

He left for work still in his reptile brain. Now I can easily accommodate him. He had an assignment last night to write a letter to his dad about how he feels towards him, and how his past has affected him. I can totally understand how remembering all that would make him super-sensitive to shaming in his own head. He grew up with that, and it was almost always pointedly indirect (not my style at all!). Plus he broke the family rules in even writing down his pain- don't feel, don't trust, don't tell- so I am sure his own conscience is shaming him for getting out of line.

But that is NOT ME. He may lay the blame for his feelings of shame and anger at my feet, but it was NOT ME. There is no point in analyzing the conversation for things I could have said differently, because if it wasn't this conversation, he would've hit a trigger in our next conversation. He has negative feelings that need a release, and he has given himself permission to dump them on me. End of story. I know both truths: that he is a hurting person in need of empathy, and that nothing I can do will stop him from blaming me for the negative feelings he is experiencing.

So, back and forth I go in my mind. Should I stay or should I go? Today, I feel like I am a teenager back in my mother's house. The goal of each day was to spend as little time as possible in the same room with my mom. That was the only way to avoid the pain of knowing that while I loved her, she would never love me. That was the only way to guarantee one would not be the object of her always-just-under-the-surface wrath. Well, even then you might be the one getting the blame, but she couldn't hit you or berate you if she couldn't see you.

All of this counseling, all of these marriage seminars, all of my prayers, was intended to keep this day from ever happening. Even my trying to talk to him this morning, was an attempt to draw us closer together and keep the estrangement from becoming a permanent fixture.

Estrangement is setting in anyway. He left still blaming me for his angry feelings, and accusing me of being the one who was angry and unreasonable.

A year ago I would be texting him, or calling him, wanting a reconciliation, trying to get him to follow the DAPP. Today, I just want to avoid him.

He has counseling today. I wonder, will he talk about the letter to his dad, or about his opinion of me? Whether or not he gets well is all up to him. I have no control over his life, only mine.

The choices he made this morning really suck.

Home Schooled Boys

2011-08-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

My son comes home from his secular mission trip tomorrow night. I am so proud of him!

His dad and I spent all day cleaning his room, and we'll probably work on it some more in the morning. His dad is going to mow the lawn one more time before he gets here, just to show him that we appreciate all of his hard work in a foreign land. He is such a great kid.

He is a regular teen in many ways. He breaks the rules on occasion. He stays up late and wants to sleep in. He plays bass guitar, listens to music I never heard of before, and seems to always want to go to the next concert. He has to be reminded to do what needs done sometimes. And other times, he surprises me by going beyond what's required just for the sake of making me smile. He's a pretty awesome human being.

He has different opinions than I do on many subjects, and sometimes he has even brought me around to his way of thinking. In everything, he is kind. I can't say gracious, because he does cuss online and in person. But he does not insult people or inflame hatred. He can always be counted on to be a peacemaker, if possible, or to take up for the ones being bullied, when peace is not possible.

He likes junk food, and raunchy comedy, and I know he would love to get his driver's license already. Frankly, if I could afford the extra car insurance, I would let him. If he gets a job when he gets back and can pay his own car insurance, I'll happily drive him to the DMV for his final test.

I am proud of him. I wish I could say all home schooled boys were just as loving, good, responsible and worth knowing. And many of them are: Jared, Aaron, Ethan, and Garrett are a few good people, all home schooled boys, I can think of off the top of my head. They are definitely worth knowing. =)

But that is not the whole of it. Recently, on facebook, I have had the misfortune to dialog with some Christian home schooled boys all grown up. I kept screenshots of both conversations, but they are so troubling I can't bring myself to transcribe them onto this blog. Not yet. It is still just too disturbing to me personally.

I am left shaking my head and wondering,"How did such a beautiful idea- raising children in the love of God and sharing life with them on an educational journey called home schooling- produce such rancor, such hatred,such arrogance in its graduates?"

I wrote a review of Biblical Economics in Comics a while back, exposing it for the vile anti-humanity propoganda that it is. Unfortunately, I have met home schooled boys who have bought into that line.

They truly believe that government taxation is "stealing" from hard-working citizens. They believe that Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare, and WIC are supporting "the scum of the earth" by government thievery, stolen from the rest of us by taxation.

I am still in shock.

On another thread, where I advocated for compassion for women who feel the best and most compassionate decision for their unborn child is to terminate the pregnancy as early as possible- women facing genetic testing that shows unalterably fatal disease that would cause horrific suffering were the child to be born (Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy, Tay-Sach's Disease are two examples)- the rhetoric was even more brutal. I "hated retards" and it was written that I was being "a cunt about it".

I was also called the product of incest, and one writer volunteered that he could put a pillow over my head and smother me, because I wrote that I wasn't against early abortion before the brain is developed enough to allow sentient thought. Apparently his great home school education allowed him to think that an adult sleeping somehow loses brain function? I am not really sure how he got there, but the animosity was clear.

If you are pro-choice, you are less than human and deserve to die.

If you need government assistance, you should suffer and, I guess, also die unless you can get a church to help you (good luck there!) or have family able and willing to help you. That was the home schooled boys pat answer to the poor, weak, sick and needy among us. It's the job of your church and/or family to help you. Atheists and orphans can suck it.

How did this happen? After all, I have heard the same arguments they heard, and I was easily able to discern that it was anti-(against) Christ! Jesus said pay your taxes (Look at your money,whose inscription is on it? The United States of America. Give to the United States of American the things that belong to it, and give to God the things that belong to God.), Paul said government was instituted by God so "obey those that have authority over you,whether kings as supreme or governors sent by the king...". The scriptures don't teach hating the government or resenting paying taxes.

Then Jesus taught the parable of the Good Samaritan, and told the story of the goats and sheep who were judged by how they treated "the least of these". He also told us the story of Lazarus the beggar and the rich man who hardened his heart to the suffering of Lazarus. How can any Christian think capitalism in its purest form reflects the gospel? While I think capitalism is the best economic system because it acknowledges the greed and ambition of humanity and makes it work for society, I darn sure want an EPA, an OSHA, and an EEOC putting protections in place for workers and consumers.

I guess they missed the part about government being of the people, by the people and for the people. There is no mythical evil government; government agencies are staffed by our fellow citizens, real people. They are our neighbors, the neighbors we are supposed to love as we love ourselves. Yes, those neighbors.

Finally, if they consider me (or gay people, feminists, liberals, Democrats, pick your label) their enemies, ENEMIES!- even then they are commanded by Christ to love their enemies, bless their enemies, do them good. Jesus told them to give to them that ask of them, and if we were to take away their goods, they should throw in extra by their own good will.

How did Christian home schooled boys grow up with so much hatred and fear in their hearts?

I am still puzzling over that one.

How is the Bible Divine but not inerrant?

2011-08-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

What follows is a comment left on this LINK to online newsletter GOOP. The author is an Episcopal priest. My heart resonates with her writing, and mirrors in some ways something I read by Phillip Yancey years ago, about God revealing Godself to humanity in stages. ps I love the word Godself! I first read it below.

Enjoy. =D

From Cynthia Bourgeault:

"How you answer this question depends hugely on what you take the bible to be. IF you believe that the bible is a single, timeless, internally consistent teaching on matters of human morality dictated by God himself, then yes, the Old Testament book of Leviticus is definitely uncomfortable with homosexuality. But it is also uncomfortable with menstruating women, shellfish and pigskin. (And for the record, it has some very harsh words to say about lending money at interest, a prohibition that even Biblical literalists seem to find it perfectly permissible to disregard!)

Like most other critically thinking Christians, I see the bible as a symphony (sometimes a cacophony!) of divinely inspired human voices bearing witness to an astonishing evolutionary development in our human understanding of God (or God’s self-disclosure as we grow mature enough to begin to comprehend it, another way of saying the same thing.) The Old Testament, whose 46 books span well over a millennium in their dates of composition, also straddles what scholars call 'The first axial period,' when spontaneously, across the entire globe, human spiritual consciousness seemed to take a huge evolutionary leap forward. In the same time frame that the Biblical psalms were being composed, the planet was also being graced with the Buddha, Lao-Tse, Zoaroaster, and Plato: a quantum leap in human understanding and ethical vision. It simply defies credibility—my credibility, anyway!— to believe that the early Old Testament teachings on animal sacrifice and 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth' are at the same level as Ezekiel’s luminous axial prophecy, 'I will take away your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh' or Jesus’ stunning 'Love your enemy; bless those who revile you.'

This is not in any way to demean holiness of the Bible, but only to affirm that God reveals Godself in time, through process and dialogue, not in unchanging monolithic statements. This does not make the bible less sacred; it makes it more sacred, for it grounds God’s divine presence in the lived reality of our human experience.

As a Christian I am bound, when I listen to this diversity of biblical voices, to set my compass by the teachings and the path walked by Jesus himself. Where biblical testimony is internally inconsistent (and even Jesus experienced it this way!), I am bound to honor Jesus as my final court of appeal. And thus, the bottom line must inescapably be that nowhere does Jesus condemn homosexuality, and certainly nowhere does he wish harm upon anyone, even those whom the religious culture is so quick to condemn as sinners. His harsh words are reserved entirely for those whose certainty about their religious rectitude causes them to condemn others, or to block the Spirit’s persistent attempts to open up new channels of forgiveness and hope. Jesus is all about inclusion, forgiveness, and empowerment. In the light of his compassionate presence, people are set free to live their lives in strength and hope, regardless of whether they be considered outcasts by those in the 'religious know.'

Thus, as a Christian, when confronted by a tension between a religious certainty which leads me to violate the law of love and a deep unknowing that still moves in the direction of 'loving my neighbor as myself,' I am bound to choose the latter course. Was it not the Pharisees, those so sure that they had 'the law and Moses on their side,' who were the first to condemn Jesus to the grave? And make no mistake: The word Pharisees does not mean 'the Jews;' that utterly reprehensible piece of scapegoating was a product of the early Christian church. Rather, 'Pharisee' names the spiritual sclerotic in each one of us who would prefer the certainty of an unchanging rulebook to the radical open-endedness of God’s ongoing self-revelation in love.

If I really follow what the bible teaches, it seems to me that I need to be constantly laying my human arrogance (and in Latin, this word comes from 'a-rogo,' or 'I have no questions'), upon the altar of God’s constantly demonstrated delight in new beginnings. 'I will be what I will be,' is the name he asked Moses to know him by in the book of Exodus. With that as one line of bearing on my thinking, and the steadily increasing revelation of God’s mercy and compassion as the other, I am compelled by my Christianity to refrain from any behaviors or judgments which arrogantly demean the dignity of another human being, or cause him or her to lose hope."

Cynthia Bourgeault is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada. Her most recent book,'The Meaning of Mary Magdalene,' is now available.

Spanking

2011-07-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: this post is not intended as a thorough objective discussion of child discipline. It's the story of my journey, my experiences and my beliefs. n_n

I spanked my children.

I was an insecure mom who wanted to raise my children right. That meant, of course, Biblically, God's way (but not Gary Ezzo's way), the perfect balance of nurture and admonition.

I couldn't rely on experience. My mom's way of "raising" me was to ignore and neglect me, unless she was feeling very angry and/or frustrated and then it was to berate me until she felt better or exhausted herself. If that didn't work, if she needed physical release for her anger, a slap across the face or a whack across the back of the legs with the nearest object would commence. I knew there was no nurture in that, nor anything disciplined about her unpredictable, ever-changing protocols for punishable offenses.

So I bought Dobson's Dare to Discipline and implemented his rules for what he considered good Christian parenting. I spanked. I told myself it was the right thing to do, after all Dobson said so and look how squeaky clean, well-educated and kindly the man seems? Plus he is considered An Expert.

So I got my list of rules out: only spank for defiance, never spank in anger, never use your hand, one lick for each year of age, no spankings after age eight, don't leave marks so use a double-folded belt, explain the reasons for spanking, and afterwards cuddle your child and insist they say they are sorry so you can say you forgive them. Oh and if you threaten to spank you must follow it up, or you will be teaching your children that you're a liar. This was supposed to make them feel secure and loved.

What kind of monster doesn't want their children to feel secure and loved?

I discounted his suggestion of squeezing the trapezius(sp?)muscle because I remembered the pain and humiliation of my mom pinching me in public.

Later, the Pearls came out with their horrible book comparing child raising to mule training. I rejected immediately on the grounds that the Pearls method blatantly defies scripture: 'let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted by God, for God tempts no one with evil...'They advocated actually purposely tempting your children! I dismissed the Pearls out of hand for that reason.

Later came Ezzo, also crazy for different reasons. He actually advocated NOT meeting your children's needs and doing so in the name of godliness, when God has promised to supply ALL of our needs! If I want to be like God, i.e. godly, I MUST respond to my children's cries! If the Lord is near to the broken-hearted, I should be near to my children when they are broken-hearted, that is if I want to be truly godly. When my babies cried, I was there to help them. No Ezzo allowed in my house.

Still, I did spank. I remember one time spanking my daughter, though she tearfully pleaded with me that she was truly sorry and please don't spank her. Through my own tears I spanked her, quoting Dobson that since I had already said I would spank her, then I would be a liar if I didn't. That is so embarrassing to remember. What a fool I was that day. I could've embraced my daughter's repentance the way God embraces mine, and offered mercy to her instead of being concerned with my own self-righteousness and reputation. Yuck.

I spanked rarely, but I can't honestly say I was never angry. My daughter remembers me spanking her in anger over her defiance when she was thirteen (I seriously don't remember this- but neither do I doubt her memory). She says that was the last spanking she ever got. She remembers feeling quite triumphant that she was able to frustrate me to the measure that I would even try spanking to get her to comply.

That was NOT how spanking was supposed to work!

The truth is, I would forego spanking completely if I had to do it all over. It would require more inconvenience on my part (time-outs have to be timed and enforced to be effective while a swat on the behind or hand is over in seconds) and more creativity to teach what needed to be taught (if the consequences are tailored to the offense rather than the same response for every infraction). I would focus even more on building relationships based on respect between parents and children, children and children, our family and neighbors, etc. I remember putting relationship parenting into practice, but having spanking as my fall back.

Spanking is a horrible fall back position. :(

I have apologized to my teens for having spanked them, but they each tell me it was no big deal. I'm glad they feel that way, but it still doesn't make it right. I have told them that I hope they can do a better job of parenting than I did, because each generation should take the good from the previous generation and add to it. I have even said that I hope they don't spank, but that I trust their judgement to do what's best when the time comes.

My daughter recently told me that she won't ever spank, but that it has nothing to do with her experiences or my apologies. (Haha, I'm never as important as I imagine! Lolz.)

She read an animal training book in her teens, called Don't Shoot The Dog. She learned from this book that negative-reinforcement only works because it discourages. It does more than discourage that particular behavior, it discourages the person (animal). Negative-reinforcement discourages initiative, curiosity and the effort to please that animals (and people) naturally possess. Negative-reinforcement can be very confusing to the punished, and results mostly in fear of crossing the punisher, not a positive thing in any relationship.

That book made it plain to her that negative-reinforcement was a lazy way to get quick compliance in an animal (or person) but that was all you would ever get. The desire to please the pack leader, the desire to learn and the desire to accomplish would be discouraged right along with the negative behavior. She decided that negative-reinforcement was foolish. Even people who train animals with negative-reinforcement are taking the lazy, stupid way out, according to my brilliant daughter (take that, Michael Pearl!).

Of course there are plenty of other blogs that do a much better job of pointing out the foolishness of spanking. I recommend looking around with an open heart and mind. Here are just two:
Who Let The Dogs Out?

The Fuit of Spanking: Shame and Rage

Repost: Shhh! It's a Secret

2011-07-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

Reposting from January because it bears repeating: http://shadowspring-lovelearningliberty.blogspot.com/2010/01/its-secret-shhhh.html

It's a secret, shhhh!

Well, it has certainly taken some prayer and a lot of thought to decide whether or not to open up this can of worms. I am concerned that there are probably a lot of people out there who would prefer that this secret remain secret. Certainly I don't think every Christian home school family has this secret to keep, but I am also quite sure that there are many out there that do!

In the past, no one has been willing to talk openly about any downside to home school. The fear is that any flaws might be used by our enemies to take away our right to home education. That still might be a valid concern (I don't think so) but the flaws will out themselves anyway. I think it will be best to discuss them ourselves and do a little problem-solving to mitigate the effects of our problems, rather than to deny problems exist.

Problems don't go away simply because one pretends they don't exist. And these problems are real.

I know because I have met families dealing with this secret and befriended them both online and in real life. In thirteen years of experience in the Christian home schooling community, I have met a lot of home schooling families!

Certainly a lot of other families who do not home school also keep the same secret, but it is a particularly damaging secret for Christian home school families for two main reasons.

The first is the home school community's pretension to having the perfect family life set-up. My public-schooling non-Christian neighbor may have the same little secret that I kept for a long time, but then no one is proclaiming that way of life as ideal or idyllic. At every home school convention you will hear someone loudly proclaiming that home schooling is the best option for a happy Christian family, and even claiming that a particular set of family dynamics is essential for a Christian home school.

The dichotomy between the claims of the Christian home school community and the reality of daily life for many of the families trying to live that lifestyle is stark. If for no other reason than to warn new Christian home school families of the dangers they will face, the secret needs to be told.

The second reason that this secret needs to be told is that keeping this secret is damaging to our brothers and sisters in Christ. Fellow disciples of all ages are being blind-sided by this reality, and then are either shamed and ostracized by a Christian home school community that doesn't want to deal with it, or self-condemned into silence because they wrongly think they are the only ones facing it. Our fellow disciples dealing with this awful secret need our help, not our silence.

On then to the big reveal! What is this secret? What is it that Christian home school families are dealing with in large numbers, yet afraid to admit as a community that the problem exists? What is so awful, that even though it pops up in every home school support group, and even community leaders have been taken down by it, no one wants to own?

Crappy marriages.

That's right, crappy marriages. Mine is far from unique in that respect.

Oh, the stories I could tell! I know of unhappy marriages that end in divorce, and many more that just limp along wearing the mask of Christian perfection when one or more of the spouses is (are) depressed, lonely and angry. Problems range from short-term and temporary (because they are quickly recognized and addressed) to chronic and debilitating.

I personally know of marriages afflicted by adultery, sexual perversion and porn addictions. I know of marriages characterized by long-term psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse. I know of some marriages that are in recovery and others that have ended in divorce. I know of more that just ignore the problems they live with everyday. I even know some Christian home school families that have always been happily thriving, but no one is keeping that a secret-LOL!

Christian home school families dealing with crappy marriages do exist. I propose that they exist in every home school community, sometimes in leadership. It is time to expose the secret and find some real solutions to the problem, because what is being done presently is not helping.

Bad marriages happen. It happens in all communities, not only the Christian home school community. But all communities are not claiming to have all the answers like the Christian home school community claims.

Bad marriages happen. It happens in all communities. However in families choosing institutional educational options, the children get escape from the crazy-making secret-keeping for a few hours a day, a couple of days a week.

In the less isolated home school families this is also true, with sports, lessons, co-ops, play dates and taking classes outside the home providing relief from being in the problem all the time. But in the extremely isolated home schools, where no one goes anywhere without the whole family tagging along, there is no relief.

Bad marriages happen in all communities. However in the world outside the Christian home school cloister, there is support for people dealing with problem marriages. In society as a whole there is support for people who are depressed, angry and lonely. In society at large, women are encouraged to get out of abusive situations, and there is help offered to people who want to stop being abusive but don't know how.

In the Christian home school community, crappy marriages are redefined as "biblical" as if that makes it all okay. Unhappy, depressed home school moms are shamed rather than helped. Articles and books are written chastising women who suffer from the lack of being loved, appreciated,and honored as being selfish and sinful. Those burdened by large families, scarce resources and failing health are condemned as lacking in faith, rather than offered real help and given the freedom to take better care of themselves and the children they already have.

Men who fall way short of the loving service to their families Christ commands are not offered help to overcome any abusive tendencies. What abusive tendencies? In some Christian home school circles the idea of even questioning a husband/fathers decisions or actions is strongly condemned. There is no hope of change where no need for change is acknowledged.

So there, I have spilled the secret. There are a lot of crappy marriages out there in home school land.

For those who fear that admitting our flaws will result in losing our home school freedoms, relax. It's no reason to limit the freedom to home school. There are a lot of crappy marriages in the world at large too. We don't need to pretend home schools are little oases of human perfection in order to retain the right to home school.

Home education is one method of educating children, and a darn good one at that! The academic fruit is good.

What we need to do is be open about the crappy marriages, and look for answers other than the ones being repeated over and over right now. Because the marriage fruit is looking rather poor, and is certainly no better than the marriage fruit the rest of society is enjoying.

So the secret is out. Now you know. What will you do? Kill the messenger? I hope not! =)

Reinforce the wall of denial? I hope not.

Feel a sense of relief that we don't have to keep secrets anymore? That is my wish.

And further I hope that crappy Christian home school marriages will overcome their problems and find healing and happiness for all. But the first step in solving any problem is admitting that it exists.

Maybe I should have titled this entry "step one"? =)

How Things Are Going These Days...

2011-07-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

Things are gong pretty well these days. Big thanks to Sandra for sharing with me a link to a book awhile back about doing EMDR at home. That has been really helpful.

So, my husband and I went to see his parents the weekend before last. I was expecting trouble afterwards, because clearly his parents are the source of much of his childhood trauma and seeing them is a huge trigger. The last time we had trouble serious enough to ask him to leave the house for awhile, we had been to see his folks three weeks earlier. The tension had been building over those three weeks, and when everything came to a head I was not surprised.

This time, things are slightly different. We are both in EMDR counseling, but now we are seeing different counselors. Also I am much farther down the road to full financial self-sufficiency. Finally, we have this sweet book that Sandra recommended.

The visit was much better than any previous visit, as my husband was able to talk freely with me about his feelings. This is a huge improvement. In the past, denial and a desire to defend his parents (imho indefensible) actions would pop out of nowhere on these trips. The day before, he would express his own disillusionment with his folks, but once he laid eyes on them, he would make excuses for them and get rather irritated at me for expressing any disapproval of them in any way.

My therapist talked to me about how children feel this responsibility to protect their parents, and this then became a topic of conversation between us before we left on the trip. In this case, forewarned was indeed forearmed. He did not revert to protecting his parents from criticism.

My carpal is acting up or this would be a long post about the actual visit. That will have to wait. Not only does typing hurt my hand, but I have to go back to school in a few minutes. This post will be limited to the after-effects of the visit.

The night after we left, things were going very well when out of nowhere, my husband's attitude toward me changed. This led to me confronting the change, and quickly discovering he was "in his reptile brain". Not good. I offered to do some home EMDR with him and he agreed. Five minutes later he was again his normal self, and very appreciative for the help.

I think it was three or four days later, he got ugly again. I decided to just leave the house and go study at Starbucks. When I got home, he was admitting he was very sad and depressed. We again did some home EMDR. Sunday it happened again, and again a short session of EMDR returned him to a normal mental state.

I don't do childhood issues with him when I do EMDR. He visualizes gathering up all the yuck and locking it away in a vault labelled "nothing comes out except for my healing" and then visualizes a relaxing, happy place. His regular therapist can actually deal with the ycuk itself.

So, things are working out for me pretty well. Except that I just now wondered if I missed my own appointment today? Hmmmm. I'm sure someone will let me know. That would be an expensive brain glitch so I hope I didn't.

Anyway, gots to go. Peace and good will to all who read here, SS

Fundamentalists Dysfunction

2011-07-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

This is a short post, and rushed, with no time to edit, like yesterdays post. Muddle through as best you can, online friends. :)

I start clinicals next week for the CNA class I am currently taking, AND two eight hour shifts shadowing a medical sonography technician. Wish me well.

I am of two minds concerning "the cycle of abuse" referenced in discussions about domestic violence/abuse. Yes, it's real, on that I agree. What exactly is happening is a matter of debate.

My opinion based on my experience, is that post-traumatic stress disorder is the true cause, and unresolved traumas are not going away on their own. There is no way someone can determine to not react to a stressor when they have unresolved traumas in their psyche that are affecting their thinking and therefore their behavior.

So, when there are no stressors, the (for lack of a better term) abusive partner is happy, loving, supportive, all in all a regular person with a regular capacity for gratitude, joy, affection, etc. But let a stressor occur, and that person is triggered back into the age/thought life he was at the time of the initial trauma. Some people live in this state almost all the time. Very sad.

Others muddle through as best they can, avoiding traumas when they can. Once these wounded people start therapy, there is at first resistance and denial. It's hard to accept that one's thinking is disordered, especially when shame is part of the traumas one has suffered. It is survival instinct to blame others and project negative emotions you don't think good people should feel onto others.

So, I was counting down the days and weeks from the last abusive incident at our house, hoping for a new record. I think we are going to make it, though things are hinky right now as my husband's fundamentalist family just dropped by yesterday for a visit.

Still, even though my husband slipped back into PAPD patterns and projected both his families dysfunction and his anger about it on to me twice in the past 24 hrs, each time he acted on his DAPP on his own, and came out acknowledging that HE was not in a good place mentally. No groveling apologies (which may or not be sincere)-yay! No denial- yay! But an honest apprisal of the situation, and appropriate apologies offered realistically where needed.

This is awesome! I am pleased.

Now for the rant about his fundamentalist dysfunctional family system: OMG!

One of the accusations he makes when he is "in a bad place" is that I don't care what he thinks or how he feels. While this is not true of me, it is SPOT ON about his family of origin. Yesterday it was on full display, when my husband questioned the doctrine of eternal damnation.
(For the few who know me IRL, check out his facebook discussion about Osama bin Laden for a sample! Feel free to show him some support. =)

Immediately he was shut down and shut out. Without giving any consideration to my husband's actual words, my former missionary brother-in-law went into full fundamentalist apologetic shutdown mode. He argued against whatever meaning he wanted to ascribe to the words my husband used. He called him irresponsible and dangerous, comparing my husband's question to encouraging children to run with scissors. And though my husband started out asking questions, not one question was directed to him.

He is right. No one care what he thinks. No one cares how he feels. Fundamentalism will tell you what to think and what you're allowed to feel. Any hint that you might be considering life outside those lines is immediately shamed. You are not a friend asking questions; by asking questions you have become DANGEROUS and you must be SHUT DOWN!

I had to leave the house it pissed me off so much. I walked across the street to my neighbors and she asked, "what are you up to?" to which I replied, "Avoiding WW III, doing my part for world peace."

I watched my husband's family drive away without saying goodbye.

I am so angry. They don't love my husband. They don't know my husband and they aren't interested in knowing my husband. They do not care for his heart. They only care that he assent to their beliefs and that's ALL.

Of course he's "not in a good place". He is coming out of denial and facing really ugly hard truths about who cares for him and who doesn't. He is facing head on the reality that his family has never had unconditional love for anyone. No wonder they get so angry at the notion that God is not hatefully ostracizing and torturing their enemies for all eternity. That really is the core of their beliefs.

Wow. I thought they knew Jesus, who says "him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out" and the One who will reconcile "ALL THINGS to himself". They are the big brother in the parable of the Prodigal, and boy will they be pissed if it turns out God really is going to reconcile all people to Himself.

They WANT people to burn in hell for all eternity, and for nothing more than being born in the wrong place at the wrong time. They WANT a god who is weak, who fails at redemption, only able to save a few, as long as they are in that elite. They WANT a god that is two-faced; they don't want Jesus. They want fundamentalism.

Big. Difference.

Abortion and Me

2011-07-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have never had an abortion. That does not make me a better person than a woman who has had an abortion. It means, if anything, I have never needed an abortion.

On the other hand, I unashamedly took birth control pills as a married woman for three years before we decided to go for it and try to have a baby. I also relied on birth control between babies, and had a surgical procedure called a tubal ligation at the birth of my second child. So ended my reproductive years.

I have suffered what was probably a miscarriage as a teenager, alone in the world with no hope of caring for a child on my own. I spent a full day agonizing in prayer for the welfare of my possible child (I just realized I my period was late), talking with God and trying to come up with the best plan possible in case I was in fact pregnant. A very heavy, painful period started that night, with severe cramping and clotting. In medical terms, it was likely a "spontaneous abortion".

What do you think of when you hear the word abortion? A gruesome surgical procedure that involved viciously dismembering a sentient terrified child? That's what the pro-life movement has been promoting for years. Medically, though, that only applies to late term surgical abortions- procedures outlawed now in most states. It's illegal in my state.

I have called myself pro-life for so long, longer than some of my readers have been alive. And yet I always have meant pro-life in the purest sense of the term; wanting life and good for mother and child. In wanting life and good for both mother and child, that means invariably that in some cases abortion is the right choice to make.

Let's look at the word abortion first. My staunchest pro-life friend claims that birth control pills are abortificants. Well if taking birth control pills equates to having a chemical abortions, I am definitely pro-abortion! Like most technologies, including advances in transportation, information technology, the medical technological breakthrough of the birth control pill is a huge advance for society. Not only is it the single best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies in unmarried women, it is a huge blessing in many marriages. People can put off pregnancy until they are ready, emotionally, physically, financially and socially. It's a great blessing that God has given humanity the wisdom to create, if you want to get religious about it. And save the stories about the very few people who feel birth control pills caused them some real harm. In the same way that stories of people trapped in their wrecked cars by wearing a seat belt won't (and shouldn't!) stop other people from wearing seat belts, one person's problem with birth control pills shouldn't factor into anyone else's decision to give them a try.

I, like most sane people in the world, do not consider a zygote a fully human sentient separate person. It's one cell. For several days, the cell divides but the resulting cells do not yet differentiate. It is when this blastocyst is a mere eight-celled ball that in vitro sampling occurs. This is important to remember for later. This is also the stage (between eight and sixteen cells- none of them differentiated at all) at which research on human stem cells is proposed. Remember this. There is no tiny little person whose organs are being harvested, a la the pro-life movement's fictions. Eight to sixteen cells- you need a microscope to see a blastocyst. Pictures in textbooks are taking with microscopes and magnified many times.

As the blastocyst develops, it forms into two layers, one of which will become the placenta, the other of which will begin to take the shape of a person. It does not become a person overnight. It begins to take the shape of a person. At eight weeks it starts to look more or less human, and the basic prototissues from which the organ systems will develop are formed. The name is changed from embryo to fetus, and the eight week fetus is ONE AND A HALF CENTIMETERS long. That's it. If you miscarriage at this point, you will not see anything in your menstrual flow but blood clots, one of which could be what would have developed into a person given enough time and good health of mother and fetus.

I wish I still had my textbook, so I could give page numbers, but the title was Hole’s Essentials of Human Anatomy and Physiology (2009) and all this information is in the last chapter, which was about human growth and development. This is all very important to me because it matters what people mean when they use the word "abortion". If you are calling birth control pills "abortion" then you are an extremist and we have no common ground. If you are against in vitro genetic testing and/or stem cell research on the basis that it constitutes "abortion" then you are either uninformed and envisioning the destruction of tiny people (a la Horton Hears a Who) with thoughts and feelings of their own- which is NOT the case- or you are an extremist and we have no common ground.

Another term I would like to define is "pro-life". To me, this means pro-people, wanting the best possible outcome for all persons involved. This naturally means that the mother matters every bit as much to me as any child she may be carrying. There is no other honest way to define "pro-life" though few pro-life people are truly pro-life anymore. They are anti-abortion, and in many cases anti-woman. Much of the time, the same people demanding abortion be made totally illegal are also the people wanting to prevent government assistance for child care, health care and food/shelter/clothing needs for single moms. These people are not at all pro-LIFE, they are religious zealots who want to force the rest of the United States to live by their religious code of moral conduct and blame all the chaos and pain that will result as "the will of God", i.e. "not their problem."

Because I am truly pro-life, this means there are some abortions that I will support. Here are a few scenarios where I think abortion is the right thing to do:

In the interests of the child:
a) In vitro genetic testing and destruction of embryos carrying any genetic code that will result in a short, tortuous life for that child: Tay-Sachs, Duchennes muscular dystrophy, and the like.

b) Also, surgical abortion as early as possible when amniocentesis and genetic testing show the same genetic code in a naturally conceived pregnancy. At this point in technology, the earliest an amniocentesis can be done is ten weeks. It can be used as a diagnostic tool up to twenty weeks. Twenty weeks then is the absolute latest date the need for this type of compassionate abortion could be diagnosed. I say the earlier the better, and I hope that new technology will lead to earlier tests becoming available.

In the interests of the mother:

a) Spontaneous abortion, commonly called a miscarriage, has never been considered anything other than an unfortunate fact of life. Yep, so-called "pro-life" legislator has gone that far: Pro-life legislator wants to criminalize miscarriages

b) In cases of rape and incest, and again the earlier the better. A raped woman who seeks medical attention immediately will likely be offered emergency contraception. No one but the most radical would consider that an abortion, but if someone considers birth control pills abortions then they will qualify this as a crime against humanity as well.

c) Ectopic pregnancy ectopic pregnancies mayo clinic . Believe it or not, so called pro-lifers wanting to outlaw all abortions include the procedures that would save a woman's life in this no-win situation. Home school advocate Doug Phillips calls for the death of women in this situation, though he does at least want to honor them as martyrs when they die of this entirely preventable tragic death.

And where do we classify the abortions sought by terrified women of all ages who have neither the means nor the will to support themselves in pregnancy, much less the life of dependent child? People like to point to adoption as always the answer in these situations, a la the movie Juno, but the teen in that movie had supportive parents and access to healthcare. Not all teens have those luxuries. I have met several grown women, mothers at the time, who had abortions as teens and did NOT regret the decision. I can only assume they made the right decision then.

I don't know where to classify the women I know who have had abortions when they were in their thirties, forties and fifties. Personally, they did society a favor by not reproducing, as the women I am thinking of were not very good mothers to the children they already had. Life for such children would be far from good, living with that DNA and family heritage. Others may very well be great mothers to the children they already have, but know for a fact that they could not cope with the pregnancy or the addition of an infant to an already stretched thin household.

Personally, I have no problem with early abortions and concede that their are some really good reasons at times that make abortion the most true "pro-life" response. I would love to see the need for surgical abortions eradicated. as earlier and earlier diagnostic tests help women with unwanted or tragic pregnancies make possible the decision to terminate a pregnancy in the first few weeks of pregnancy. That would be ideal.

I would love to see birth control accessible to all women of reproductive age who are or plan to soon become sexually active. Young women need to appreciate the amazing capabilities of their bodies and know how to manage them for good health for themselves and any future children they want to conceive. We owe our daughters full disclosure about their bodies and their options.

I don't think any victim of rape (whether by incest, stranger or acquaintance rape) should be denied emergency contraception or if necessary surgical abortion. I hope these women get help right away, making the need for surgical abortion unnecessary. However under no circumstances do I believe a woman should be forced to carry and give birth to her rapists child. Some brave women may choose to do so; no woman should be forced to do so.

Parents who are facing the heart-breaking reality that their conceived children will be born only to suffer horrible and eventually die should have the right to choose abortion, in the best interests of the child. Testing should be done as early as possible, the earlier the better, to avoid surgical abortion.

Elective abortions should remain legal, but I would love to see them limited to the first sixteen weeks, long before there is any possibility of a sentient thought or separate survival on the part of the fetus. As I wrote earlier, I would love to see women make these decisions as early as possible, though recent efforts to limit abortion to five weeks are ridiculous. Those legislators know that they are effectively outlawing abortion, which is their true intent.

I truly thought that once partial birth abortion was outlawed, and late term abortions no longer legal, that we could all settle down to a life of peace. People truly wanting to end abortion could do so by helping pregnant women with the needs of pregnancy and child-raising. Creating a culture where mothering is promoted by law and supported by tax dollars seems like the logical way to help end abortion. Another positive way to end the need for abortion is to make birth control available to all women who want it (including minors) and teaching women how to use it effectively. You can't end the need for abortion without taking these steps.

Simply making it illegal won't help at all. But it is easier than actually helping, which is why it is so popular I guess.

So there it is all laid out: abortion and me. Let the flaming begin.

Feminism and Me

2011-07-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

I grew up in the seventies. The feminist movement was very much a part of the social context I was living in, even way out in the sticks of the Great Plains. All in The Family was forever making patriarchal men look like the joke they actually are. One Day at a Time and Alice gave us a realistic view of what being a single working woman was like at the time, while Mary Tyler Moore and Rhoda presented to us the ideal of all life could be for a single working woman. Betty Friedan and Erica Jong were on our book shelf. I was reading "Diary of a Mad Housewife" and Redbook magazine in middle school. Helen Reddy was belting out "I am woman, hear me roar..." from the radio and record player.

Many of the messages were mixed. It's great to be a woman, but it really sucks to be a mother. It's great to have sex, but it really sucks to be pregnant. You can do anything you want, but if you choose to stay home and love on your kids you will go insane. You can do anything you want, but if you WANT to stay home and love on your kids you are a cowardly, dependent, woman-child. Look at Edith Bunker- your husband won't respect you, society won't respect you, and you'll get all vaque and clouded in your thinking. Smart women do not stay home and raise children. If the man is keeping women down, then children are the tools he uses.

Feminists will often deny what I'm about to write, but then the movement can't learn from it and move on toward it's higher objectives of equal power for women in society. So here's the big scoop, the reason for the backlash that brought on home schooling and patriarchy among other things. You ready?

We who were daughters, children during the seventies, got the message. The message we got was this: we were hated. Children are an obstacle to get around. Children suck. Caring for children is low, low, low on the feminist's list of things she might want to do with her time. There is nothing lower than child care, except maybe house keeping. We were a hindrance to our mothers' "higher" aspirations.

(This could even account for why so many view abortion solely in terms of cruel, selfish women "getting rid of unwanted children". My generation feels this acutely in our inmost being. In my experience, this is rarely the reason a woman chooses abortion. Women who choose abortion rarely do so flippantly, and it is often a heart-breaking decision based on compassion, for those who bother to research it IRL. Still, to a generation who grew up knowing we were considered an unwanted inconvenience to our mother's aspirations, it is easy to believe that this is the only reason women seek abortion. "Pro-life" propaganda exploits this to the hilt.)

Now my own problematic situation was further complicated by my mom's personality disorder. She would have been a mess to live with no matter what philosophy had been popular during my childhood. I have written on the blog that the only way my own childhood could have been worse was if my mom had been a home-schooling SAHM. That's because she would still have been completely self-focused and uninterested in meeting the needs of anyone's heart but her own. NPDs are just that way.

But the feminist movement is culpable in that they agreed with her that children were a pain in the butt and caring for them, both physically and emotionally, was beneath her and a waste of her time and life.

That is the fatal flaw in feminism, the way I see it. The idea that childcare is lowly and demeaning and not for smart woman is the real reason for the backlash against feminism that has filled churches across America and actually resonated with the hearts of both men and women.

We were those children.

We were those children, the ones considered unworthy of our mothers' time and talents. We were those children, the ones despised and looked down on as mere hindrances to our mothers' "true ambitions". We read it, heard it when our mothers' talked to other adults over our heads, and certainly felt it in the way our mothers' treated us. For some of us it was mere disdain at having to meet our needs. For others it extended to real rejection, persecution, neglect and abandonment- all in the name of a woman's "liberation".

Liberation from what? To a child growing up in the seventies it was clear to me that the liberation women wanted was liberation from the obligations of mothering. Feminists hated children, and hated mothering. Right along with the male workforce, women stated that child care was meaningless drudge for the lesser capable among us. There's a reason child care is still one of the lowest paid and lowest respected occupations among us.

And so I became a very different (and in my mind) more authentic kind of feminist- one who embraced her body and it's amazing capacity to create and nourish new life. I determined that not only would I use my incredible ability to bring forth life and nourish it from my body, MY children would be worth all of my time and talents. I determined to make an art and skill out of raising my children, in defiance of the way my mother and her generation had continually said we children were worthless crap.

Much of the rest of the feminist message I did and still do embrace. Equal rights? Yes. Equal pay for equal work? Yes. The right to control her own body? Yes. But every time I start to think I can actually call myself a feminist, I run across disdain for my chosen career of SAHM and I think to myself,"Damn, they still think I am a worthless piece of crap. Eff you, feminism!"

How I wish it wasn't that way. I wish feminism could have room for those who embrace their reproductive capabilities. I wish feminism loved children, and were demanding honor and commensurate financial recompense for those who nurture, teach and mentor them- i.e. parenting and child care. I keep waiting for feminism to grow up to the point that they see that children and caring for children are intrinsically honorable and worthy, but I keep getting disappointed.

I always run into the feminist who loudly proclaims her disdain for SAHMs and children. It never fails. The woman on stilettos at my husband's office who looked down her nose at my children like they stank when we came up to see where Daddy spent his days? I would loved to have beat the holy sh** out of her skinny ass that day and I could have easily. His coworker who lived in our neighborhood and asked what I did, who responded to my proud declaration that I home schooled with a malicious "Oh, that's right. You don't DO anything."? I hope your husband leaves you, your kids grow up hating you, and you die alone and unloved like you deserve. (Yes, that falls short of loving your enemies, I know. So sue me.)

Last year, I picked up an awesome feminist magazine, Skirt, and I was really getting into the articles. They even featured a woman who was starting her career at fifty after staying home to raise her children, and they portrayed this in a positive light! I was so excited. Had feminism finally stopped hating children and denigrating those who loved them? My heart started to race with hope.

But alas, it was not to be. Shortly thereafter,in the same magazine, came the article from a woman complaining about how children are always demanding something (how dare they?), always have some sort of noxious substance oozing from their bodies somewhere, and how that particular author could never understand why someone would willingly carry a parasitic creature in her womb for nine months and then get stuck caring for it for the rest of her life?!? YUCK!

When I hear these ugly sentiments about children and mothering expressed, there is no way I cannot take it personal. I was that child!

Feminism that truly embraces the female body and ALL of its capabilities? Count me in! Equal opportunities, equal pay for equal work, the right to control what happens to your own body? Hellz to the yeah! I would love to see a feminism that elevates the status of pregnancy and child care to the valued status it should be, as women who choose this are shaping the attitudes and ethics of the next generation. What could possibly be more important than that?

The feminism I see, though, still resents the functions of the female form. Rather than elevating the status of children and those who care for them, the feminism I see disdains these traditionally female roles and only honors social roles traditionally open to men. Any function in society that is clearly woman only- pregnancy or nursing- is considered icky and disgusting by feminist women in solidarity with the men they really wish they had been born.

Every time a feminist puts down pregnancy, child birth, child care and child mentoring (i.e. parenting) she is not only saying that she doesn't believe her children or potential children are worth her time, she is saying that all of us born to feminists are/were undeserving of our mothers' time and talents. If child care is so lame and icky, then those women who choose to care for children are losers. That message is undeniable.

And THAT is the weakness in feminism the patriarchy exploits! The prey on the hurt and resentment of the generation brought up hearing that they were a waste of a woman's time. The also honor the parts of our lives that we women embrace that traditional feminism mocks- pregnancy, nursing and raising children. It should not be this way.

When will feminism open her arms and embrace children? When will she stop despising women who understand that raising the next generation IS a noble and worthy pursuit? If feminism was our champion, the patriarchal religious establishment would be worthless to women.

Wouldn't it be awesome if feminists valued SAHMs and home schooling moms? It would totally rock if feminism was demanding that society value these traditionally womanly roles with the same value society ascribes to traditionally manly roles, like hard physical labor. Surely raising the next generation is more important in the long run than constructing new houses?

Alas, on another forum I frequent, I have recently heard the same old, same old feminist drivel from younger voices. Caring for children isn't rewarding, and people who say it is are lying! (No, we're not. Some of us actually do like it. Sorry to disappoint- again. But then since I started out one of those children myself, I guess I have always been a disappointment to feminism. Sigh.) Truly smart woman avoid pregnancy and parenting. Sucks to read that this is still the feminist party line.

The other part of feminism- you can be and do whatever you want- still nurtures my own heart as I set out to start a career midlife. I do believe, as Helen sang, "if I have to, I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman." If only feminism would open their hearts to include children and caring for children, and give traditional women's roles the honor they deserve, patriarchy would dry up and blow away in a generation. I hope to help build that kind of world myself.

Peace and good will, SS

Don't Want To Jinx It

2011-06-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago I made a post entitled "No News is Good News". So yes, dear readers, the fact that posts these days are few and far between is mostly good news.

But I have an internal time goal, and if that goal is met without a noteworthy scary incident, I will give a full accounting of all these non-posted days/weeks. =D

I started EMDR again with a new therapist. My educations is progressing satisfactorily (all As so far). My daughter and I talk almost every day. My son and I definitely talk every day (haha) as he is still home schooling, about to finish his junior year.

My husband and I are doing well, hence the "no news". He is still in EMDR, and it seems to be working very well. He is happy at work. He watches Joel and Kathy on DVD a couple times a week. He works out after work at least three days a week.

Father's Day came and went with no problems. My son, husband and I had a great day together. We went to lunch and then shopping for a Father's Day gift for my husband. We did not show up at my father-in-law's house as he originally ordered. (However we scheduled for a visit next month. This could trigger trouble. I am taking a "wait and see" approach.)

So, there's a little taste of what no news means around here these days. Peace and good will to all, SS

Secular Mission Trip

2011-06-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

I am proud to announce that my son is going on a secular mission trip.

There will be no prayer letters going out, though I do help everyone who loves him/me/his family/humanity will pray for him.

There will be no support letters going out; all the money spent will come from our savings and his hard work. I consider it a charitable donation, and part of the vaunted title "tithes and offerings" but there will be no tax deduction. The word church or ministry does not appear on the checks we are writing, so oh well.

If he shares the gospel with anyone while he is there, it will be sincere and Spirit led, as a natural part of the life he will be living as a stranger in a strange land. His faith, as a part of his personality and way of life, will be the only Bible he will take with him everywhere he goes.

The purpose of his trip will be to cater to the needs of "the least of these", the little ones whose angels always appear before the Father in heaven. He is going to honor them with his time, share his skills in English, and treat them with the dignity and sincere interest that Jesus himself has for them.

He will gain no religious credit for going. We have only told family that we were already communicating with regularly. It's a whole new way of caring for the world community than the one with which I have previously been associated. I am very excited for him, and for me.

So for all who pray, he will be living with a host family in a Caribbean nation for the month of July. In the mornings he will work in summer camp, co-teaching with another volunteer wherever they assign him- sports or English. Together he and his teammate will be responsible for ten day campers.

On about half of the afternoons, he will also volunteer in a medical residential facility for special needs kids, in whatever capacity the facility decides is needful. I'm guessing games and stories, but maybe construction. That part of the trip is not defined yet.

On Fridays they will take the summer camp kids on a field trip to cool places they have never been, historical sites and museums and the national zoo.

The unscheduled afternoons he will go to the beach, and have language classes/culture classes in the evenings for all the volunteers. Sundays are spent exclusively with the host family, where I am sure he will get to experience the tribe of Christianity with which his host family is aligned.

So that's the news. He leaves early July, gets back in early August. Pray for him! Pray that he will be useful, and the love of God will clearly show in his character and actions. Pray for his safety, and the safety and learning of all those campers and special needs kids. And pray that this experience will promote good will and understanding between all: host family, camp staff, residential home staff, organization staff, and all those volunteers from English speaking nations.

Thank you internet friends, for all your kindness and good will.

Missionary Kid Abandonment Centers aka 'boarding schools"

2011-06-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

Why on earth do religious workers believe there are special rules, or rather special exemptions, that apply to them? No where in the Bible does it ever once say that there is a lesser standard for people with good religious intentions. In fact, the last time I looked it said they would be "under the greater condemnation", i.e. scrutinized and held to a higher standard.

Religious workers should welcome that scrutiny. They should expect that scrutiny. It should be pretty obvious going in to that career field that if you are going to go claiming God told you to do this or go there or say these words, you will be held to a higher standard.

One of my HUGE beefs with the career field of fundamentalist missionaries is the child abandonment they practiced, nay demanded, because of their high-falutin' airs that their career was more important to Jesus than the hearts of their children.

Or in other words, their obedience to their interpretation of the command "go into all the world and preach the gospel, teaching them to observe all I have commanded you" seemed so grand and noble in their eyes as to exempt them from keeping the command they were supposed to be teaching: love one another as I have loved you (John 13:34).

This same Jesus, who welcomed the little children and told us to do so- this same Jesus who recommended we endeavor to emulate the simple, completely dependent trust of little children (Matthew 18:2, Mark 9:36-37,Mark 10:13-15, Luke 9:47-48, Luke 10:21, Luke 18:15-17)- this same Jesus who warned the disciples to treat children well ("do not despise one of these little ones") because "their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. (Matthew 18:10-11)- this Jesus of whom the Bible teaches, NEVER commanded or called anyone to practice child neglect and abandonmentso they could be freed up to do religious work.

How do you convince yourself that could even be a possibility?

Pride, pride and more pride about being called to make so great a sacrifice, no doubt.

The only trouble is that it was not their lives they were sacrificing to the call, but their children's lives.

In some cases that would be literal. For most, it was "merely" their spiritual, emotional, and psychological well being. It's pretty easy to sacrifice other people's well-being. It doesn't hurt you much at all, maybe a twinge of conscience now and then.

I have complete compassion for missionary parents duped by their cult leaders into believing that God demanded this sacrifice from them and their children. I have heard of parents crying in anguish over the cruelty of this practice.

But for every missionary parent who still wants to claim they did the right thing, SHAME ON YOU!!

Your children's lives were not yours to sacrifice!

I hear much pro-life noise from the same quarters, about the sacred responsibility of motherhood. Does that only apply to the child in utero? Is not motherhood/parenthood, a lifelong calling and vocation?

Jesus wanted to gather the Jews in Jerusalem under his wings like a mother hen. Why is that maternal instinct missing or stifled in the women who claim to represent Jesus in foreign fields?

God is represented by Jesus as a loving Father. What does that mean if Christian fathers send their children away? That our Father God is also unconcerned with us once we have been alive a few years? Why would any Indian want the white man's "father God" when Christian fatherhood is distant, remote and unconcerned?

And why would any tribal person see God's sacrificing His Son as any big deal? The missionaries, who represent God, don't care for their children much. They send them away as a matter of course. Giving up something you don't care much for is no big deal.

Who thought this practice of separating children from their families "in the name of Jesus" was ever smart? They didn't think too deeply about the issue apparently. The practice of sending their children away cheapened their whole message to the tribal peoples in more than one way.

And the message to their children? Well, that's the worst part of all. We know that in a child psychological development, everything that happens in the world is their doing. It's all their fault, if you will. Logical explanations don't dent this belief in a young child's heart.

These are the sorts of messages that filter through a young MKs heart when he first arrives at boarding school:

My parents sent me away because I'm no good now that I'm older.

The kids in the dorm make fun of my tears and call me names because my feelings are repulsive.

God sent me here because He loves the tribe more than me. I'm just in God's way.

If I complain, God will send the tribe to hell, and it will be my fault.

I'm stupid because I can't get my chores done right.

I hate myself for being so stupid that I am late/in trouble/in the way/unloved.

I just finished Rob Bell's book Love Wins, and mostly the author merely reminds us over and over again of Who Jesus Is. He never says there isn't a hell, though he poses many questions about scripture and what is actually recorded there and he speculates about the nature and duration of hell in light of Who Jesus Is.

But it was Jesus who said that drowning would be preferable to the punishment awaiting those who offend little ones who believe in Jesus. Sounds like hell to me! Yikes!

All those missionary parents made double sure their children believed in Jesus. Too bad they didn't make double sure not to offend them as well.

Home school marriages?

2011-05-23T04:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for awhile, and even thought about just deleting this account. I believe that most of my readers have given up and gone away by now. I don't blame them. And it's okay by me. Subconsciously, maybe that's what I wanted anyway.

I am not changing plans. My plan has been to keep plugging away at my education, and hoping/praying for my husband's emotional/spiritual healing and growth. I'm not giving up on that. I don't need to be lectured about how rare it is for abusive men to change. I already know that. My husband has already put way more effort into change and growth than the huge majority of abusive men ever begin to invest. And he is continuing to push forward and seek growth and healing. As long as he is putting forth the effort, I am going to be supportive.

I started CNA classes last week. That is the next step in meeting the prerequisites I need for the school I plan to apply to next January. I have really enjoyed it so far; much more pleasant than I thought it would be. There are some really sharp people in class with me. I feared that because a high school diploma is not required, that I might be in class with people of lesser ability. Instead, there are two college graduates, another SAHM returning to the work force, a young immigrant who has already conquered a second language- some really sharp cookies. I am very pleased and actually looking forward to spending the next twelve weeks in their company.

The forums at Fanda Eagles have really been helpful to me. Lots of MKs have emotional "bombs in the brain"; my husband is not alone. Some of them have seen their marriages fall apart. Others have come to recognize the abuse for what it is, are getting treatment for the PTSD and are walking through the healing process as partners. I am grateful for their support and prayers.

On the other hand, I have recently heard about yet another home school marriage failing. Another man has abandoned his (now middle aged) wife and children, just walked on out them all to go and make a better life for himself without all that responsibility. His formerly young, beautiful and accomplished wife is now older, lacking in recent work experience, heartbroken and left with the responsibility of trying to heal the broken hearts of her adolescent and pre-adolescent children.

There are no adequate words to express the cruelty of this scenario.

So I was wondering, anyone else out there know of home school marriages failing? How many home school moms are being abandoned: first emotionally, finally physically?

I know personally of half a dozen over the past five years, and I'm not even very well-connected in home school circles anymore! Plus I can think of just as many marriages in which the men are detached at best (which is a form of abuse in itself) and there is clearly no mutually loving supportive relationship going on between husband and wife.

What is up with that?

Any ideas, anyone?

Does home schooling help, hinder, or have no effect on a marriage?

I can go to No Longer Quivering and find out what happens to women and children when the women leave an abusive home schooling situation; that is if patriarchal religion was a factor in that break-up. But what happens when men walk out on their families? What happens to these women abandoned?

And what happens to these men? Does society favor them? They suddenly have more money, freedom from responsibility to the women they once agreed to support while she home schooled the children, freedom from responsibility to their own children (which in reality had probably been all on mom for some time before they left), and they are still marketable on the romance circuit. Middle-aged women are past their physical prime, going through or nearing menopause, have been focusing all their energy on their children's welfare instead of building a career, and are most likely being slandered as angry bitches for expressing the pain and anger of being betrayed by the person in whom they had put all their trust.

How many home school marriages end this way?

Finals Coming Up

2011-05-05T07:17:00.001-07:00

I would love to post on a couple of subjects, but school beckons. I have a week off next week between semesters and hopefully I can post then. Live loved, SS

How Our Brains Work

2011-04-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

I found this Great Link about how our brains work. It explains the mechanisms EMDR is working to correct. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have. Very insightful.

Spring Break

2011-04-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

So I have been sleeping in every day this week so far. It's been sweet.

My term paper is written, so yeah. I just need to let it sit and stew in it's own juices for a bit, have my editor give it a read, go back once more and see if I still like it, and turn it in.

When school returns, I have two more Module Tests and three Finals, plus a couple of smallish papers to write. Wish me well. With the program I am applying for, there is a huge point differential between an A and a B,and the applicants with the highest points get in. So, I really do need the A over the B if possible. With both PreCalc and MedLegal my A is in the bag, but I still am too close to the line in HumanAnatPhys to be relaxed about it. So, those of you who pray for me, keep praying.

I got my titers back for my vaccinations, and my doctor says I'm good. All I need to do now is take all my papers in to sign up for the CNA classes this summer. It's looking good so far. Thanks for all your support, cyberfriends. It means the world to me.

I don't yet have a new EMDR therapist, but I am on someone's waiting list. I think I would rather just wait it out for this person to be available than take someone my former practitioner recommended. I am still considering writing to the state licensing board for clinical social workers about my experience. I do have the contemporaneous record of my blog to keep the dates more or less straight. On the other hand, I am a very busy person with a lot of my plate, and it is not even close to the top of the prioritized list of things I need to accomplish.

I am still torn between hope and realism, as far as my marriage is concerned. So many people are urging me to leave,immediately if not sooner, but I do not feel that sense of urgency. I also doubt myself, if I am making the right decision to move slowly but steadily toward independence, giving my husband time to heal to the point we can live a life of love together, or, if that doesn't happen, being thoughtful, proactive and reliable for myself. I think on occasion of women who have been seriously hurt by PTSD husbands. I know they must have felt safe enough too, or they wouldn't have remained in the relationship that long. Surely a part of them thought that their husband would never cross the line to heinous violence/murder, or they would have left before then. So I do sometimes wonder if I am only kidding myself, but I also trust that God will keep me safe.

The thought of doing anything hastily really bugs me. I don't want to be pushed into action by circumstances or the behavior of others. I have been married twenty-three years. For many of them, the only difference between now and then is that I have woken up to the truth that it's not my fault my husband behaves/thinks the way he does. I now know I have absolutely no control over the man's inner life, and in fact have rarely been aware of what that really is. I *thought* I knew who he was, because of the assumptions I made. Now I know that I truly am not the issue here, and that all the good will in the world on my part guarantees nothing. Sobering, but at least the playing field is now level. It was so confusing for so many years.

I *thought* that we meant the same things by the same words, especially what it means to follow Jesus. I have discovered that was never true. Fundamentalism sounds good, but they do not mean the same things by the same words I understand the Bible to be saying. They have hidden meanings and unspoken rules that negate the actual commands of Christ and turn them into something different. For example, "love one another as I have loved you" turns out to not be so loving.

First of all, the fundamentalist Jesus burns most people who have ever lived in hell for all eternity- not very loving,eh? My experience of the gospel is that it was the good news that God has removed all barriers between God and man, that He freely forgives and wants to lavish His kindness on us through Christ Jesus. "Just as I Am" and "Amazing Grace" actually meant something good to me.

The MKs experience of the gospel is that God will burn the Indians in hell forever if your parents don't lay down their lives to translate the Bible for them. This is serious business! So serious, little child, that your need for parental love and attention pales in comparison. Small child, you may need love, but if your parents give you the love and attention you need, those Indians will burn in hell forever! Forever, young child! You don't want the Indians to burn in hell FOREVER, do you? DO you?!?! How could you be so selfish?! Shame, shame, shame on you young child. ps God loves you. Your parents love you. Now be a good boy and go away and keep your needs quiet or GOD WILL BURN THESE INDIANS IN HELL FOREVER AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!

Another huge difference between my faith vocabulary and fundamentalist faith vocabulary is what Jesus meant by the commandment to love one another. For me, that means both to feel (compassion, kindness, pity, remorse, longing for security/healing/kindness to come to your brother) and to act in ways that bring good (comfort, provision, healing, understanding) to others. It is both a feeling and an action that is directed toward wanting/accomplishing good for others.

Fundamentalism dismisses such notions as silly sentimentality. In the letter of John the apostle (this proof text only works if you take the verse completely out of context, which they do!) the Bible says that we know we love the brethren when we obey the commands of God. So a fundamentalist never need feel compassion, or long for relief or comfort for another, because they attend church regularly, memorize Bible verses, believe the right doctrines and don't smoke, cuss, drink or dance. That's how they can KNOW they love the brethren. They obey what they believe to be the commands of God, so they never need experience (i.e. "feel" equals bad to fundamentalists) emotions that resemble what the rest of the world calls compassion or love for another. They can rest assured that even without ever feeling anything resembling that for other humans or ever acting in ways that relieve the pain and suffering of others, they do "love the brethren" because they are obedient fundamentalists.

Ugh.

I hope you can see why my frustration with my husband is tempered by my compassion for the lies with which he was raised. I will lay out both arguments so that you can see what goes on in my head, and why I am willing to stay until my education is completed and I am self-sufficient. It both gives him time to heal, and keeps my from denying my own value system (i.e. love my neighbor as myself).

Common experience says abusive men rarely change. This is undeniably true.

On the other hand, my husband has taken a lot of actions others husband's never take. He attended a 26 week Life Skills course and went to the Davison's Marriage Intensive. He is in therapy, which is something his family would NEVER condone. And he is on anti-depressants, another huge defiance of the family rules which say medications are for the weak, and are mostly unnecessary.

But back to common experience, this work has been going on for two years and he still allows himself days/weeks of reverting to the old resentments and hatreds. This should not be.

Again on the other hand, he is actually doing more on his own lately that is in keeping with the Life Skills/Davisson's advice. He is watching the Davisson's videos at lunch. I printed off a checklist from this site and he knows I read it everyday. He says he reads it every day. He says he meditates on positive statements about me while he walks on the treadmill most days after work. I have seen the paper. He is reading Rob Bells' book Love Wins- the most non-fundie book of all time, full of questions about the character and words of Christ, rather than an answer book interpreting everything for you so you don't have to think, fundie-style.

Common experience says all this is just forestalling the inevitable. The man's psyche is truly warped by his fundamentalist upbringing, and I don't know if it's possible for him to change enough to be fully alive to love in this lifetime, much less in two years. When he wants to be healed, he really wants to be healed. I do believe that much is true. He just doesn't always want to be healed.

The psychological land mines his family's religion have placed within his soul are SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS. All other abused, neglected hurt children can turn to Jesus for healing, but MKs? They were taught that Jesus decreed their neglect! He grew up believing that the emotional and physical distance his parents kept from him WAS love! He grew up ignored and that was explained to him as the very definition of LOVE. As a young child at boarding school, being bullied at worst/ignored at best by house parents and other missionary kids was NORMAL. Any attempts to get his needs met were shamed as selfish, unforgiving, or rebellious.

How is there hope for this man to learn to live loved?

And yet, with God all things are possible. Jesus has done so much for me that other people believe impossible. And so I keep praying and asking God to give my husband a revelation of who He really is! A vision, or a revelatory dream, or something that will break through all the religious lies and reveal the loving, gracious heart of God.

And that is how I have decided to keep working toward financial independence and not just leave now. I am asking the God of all hope to deliver my husband's soul from the religious darkness that obscures his vision of who Jesus really is. I am giving the gift of time to my husband, hoping against hope he will grab onto Jesus and plunge headlong into grace.

If that's even possible. All the words have been tainted by fundamentalist lies, so that grace means "ability to keep the law" instead of extravagant love. Forgiveness means "keep your resentments well hidden" because talking about a grievance is "unforgiveness" to my husband's fundamenatalist family. So according to their fundamentalist upside down religion, the person wronged has the responsibility to suck it up or be accused of the heinous sin of unforgiveness. They ignore Leviticus 19: 17-18 and Jesus command to rebuke our brother who offends us. In avoiding all appearance of evil (which fundamentalist treat as the greatest command of all!) the hide evil in their hearts and that is considered righteous.

So time will tell. These three faith, hope and love, remain.

Busy with school: Forging ahead

2011-04-12T04:47:00.000-07:00

Hi friends! School is winding down for this semester, but there is still so much work ahead. Today I am heading to the doctor to draw blood because I have no shot records. I will have to get titers for all I think I've had, and work on ones that weren't required back in the 70s when I went to school. Then there is always more to do, so say a prayer for me when you think of me. I must keep pushing on if I am to be self-supporting by the time my son goes off to college.

Peace and good will, SS

Good news from the past incident

2011-04-01T05:43:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share with all how much EMDR has helped me deal with the most recent traumatic event in my marriage. Some of the more fundamentalist among my readers (ha ha! If there are any left! =) might find this alarming, since anything not specifically mentioned in scripture tends to scare such people. But hey, airplanes, antibiotics and CAT scanners are just three of the many beneficial things invented by humans that are not mentioned in the Bible, so I am not afraid of "extra Biblical revelation".

While my husband was angrily stomping and cursing and being intimidating, I remained calm. After he left, I went back to bed, very shaken inside but pride of myself for not reacting. As you can imagine, sleep was not forthcoming.

So I purposefully imagined going to the safe place I had created in my mind during EMDR sessions. It is sort of a conglomeration of places I have felt safe, relaxed and one with God during my lifetime. It has all the sounds, smells and tactile sensations of those places.

Often when I imagine myself in that place I am much younger than I am now. My therapist corrected me the one time I admitted that, and said it should be me as I am now. Whatevs, I laughed inside. I am trusting the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me in all truth, so I trust that if I imagine myself as younger that's how it should be. I just go with it the way it plays out. I feel peaceful, confident, loved by God and relaxed so that's all that really matters.

Anyway this time, as I imagined the feel of the rocks and the moss, I WAS my older self and I was still super-stressed. And to my suprise, my younger self was there too! She was very comforting to me. She was happy, confident, content, and wearing the swimsuit I sewed for myself when I was ten/eleven years old.

She told me how good Jesus was to her, and how faithful He had always been. She was glowing as she recounted to me how God had protected her and helped her so many times. The cool mountain pool she usually swam in was there. But she told me God had heated it to help me relax. My older self got into the warm water and it was very relaxing. We looked at the stars together, and I could not help but be encouraged by her joy and confidence. After a while I got out of the pool, and even though it was night, the weather was perfect. I was not cold at all. I laid down on some furs that were arranged on the rock, and she proceeded to give me a massage with her little chubby adolescent hands, all the while singing songs to me of God's love. I fell asleep.

The next night when I was again having troubles sleeping, I went back to the safe place in my imagination. My younger self was there again, and very happy to see me. We swam together in the mountain pool and she would dive and bring up glittery rocks to show me. Again her innocence and joy were very encouraging. She dove again and brought up a bright shiny gold coin. I asked her where she got it and she said Jesus put it there for her, and that he does that all the time. She gave it to me. As I took it, I knew it was wisdom. I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, I knew what I needed to do.

Just remembering this fills me with peace and confidence again. God loves me and He loves you too. Rest in that love today. Peace and good will, SS

Things are NOT better

2011-03-30T05:35:00.000-07:00

It is pretty scary around here. I am very disheartened.

Let's make a checklist:

Husbands depression/anger are worse.

My therapist who happens to be his therapist has NO understanding that the man is worse or more dangerous.

I don't have a therapist anymore.

My son has started smoking because of the stress of living with a father who is constantly cycling through the honeymoon/tension/explosion stage.

All of us are giving up hope it will ever end.

It is hard to get across what it's like to live with someone who won't accept or return your love. But then, on other times, he does and there is a good reward and you keep trying. But then out of nowhere, the attempts at conversation that ended in smiles and good will one day are met with angry resentment on another.

I need your prayers, friends. The cycles are getting shorter and shorter, and I don't have the help I need to make it through them.

The problem with sharing the same therapists pt III

2011-03-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

Guess what, world? There are no exceptions to the rule. Do NOT share the same therapist.

Yesterday was my first appointment since the domestic abuse incident two weeks ago. My husband has seen the therapist twice since then, and good for him. For the record,I did call her office the very next day to report that he was so physically threatening I had to ask him to leave the house. Also, my son who was THERE also made a notation in my contemporaneous record about the incident from his point of view, which states more or less that mom is calm and rational and dad is angry and belligerent. I brought this record with me to therapy, but it turned out to be of no interest to the therapist anyway. Regardless, it's important to have for other reasons (which I hope to never need but a girl's got to be prepated, ya know?).

The EMDR was working really well. I will have to write another post about how really well it is working. I deserve to complete the full steps of EMDR, but as far as we had gotten was such a good thing for me. In therapy, we were getting closer and closer to recent times in the timeline of traumatic events, which is what I really need to get through. That was and has always been my intent in contracting for this therapy.

However it looks like I will have to find some other way to finish the steps, or just rely on my own inner resources to get through what lies ahead. Showing up for my appointment yesterday did not get me any healing or help.

So,when I walked in, the first thing I noticed was that the EMDR equipment was not in sight. That sucks because that is the sole reason I am in therapy. Absence of equipment noted. A pit of unease opened up in my stomach.

The next thing I noticed was the lack of empathetic concern I think is the minimal standard for respectable counselor. I did call her office the next day, so she knows it was bad enough that I had to ask my husband to leave the premises. In fact, it was the worst incident since he went to Life Skills in 2009, the very first time that he absolutely refused to abide the Domestic Abuse Prevention Plan that he wrote in his own hand and signed in 2009. It was wanting to be free and clear of the PTSD from the domestic abuse that sent me to a counselor in the first place. At that time, the very beginning, she seemed very empathetic about that. That was before she took on my husband as a patient as well, however.

She did not ask me if I was okay. She did not show any concern for me at all. What she said was "I heard about the argument". I countered that it was not an argument, it was an incidence of domestic abuse. The pit in my stomach got bigger.

This made her visibly angry, again. She retorted "Well it sounds like an argument to me: you asked him to leave the house. That sounds like an argument."

Again I insisted it was not a mere argument, it was an episode of domestic violence. She unhappily, completely lacking any sympathy or kindnessf for me, in fact she was clearly peeved with me, repeated back, "Okay, I'll call it an incidence of domestic abuse. Does that make you happy?"

That's when I knew. There are no exceptions. The literature is right- ladies, you will not be believed by your husband's acquaintances, counselors, the neighbors, or your pastor. None of us will be. It doesn't matter how calm you may be, people will never believe the mild mannered charmer who they see face to face is a raging monster to you in private. It just won't happen. Not for any of us. I am not special. My husband is not special. Our life is straight out of the domestic abuse play book- honeymoon, tension, explosion, honeymoon, tension, explosion.

I told the therapist I thought I should find a new counselor. She heartily (not professionally) agreed. I got up to leave, and she told me I wasn't going anywhere she had some things to say to me.

0_o

No, I was not going to stick around for anything she had to say. She said she had some things to tell me about how it was going with my husband, and I said I didn't think that was ethical. Then she said that he had asked her to share with me, but now she wasn't going to tell me. I said if he had asked her to tell me, then she should. But no, now I didn't get to know.

Whatever. I kept walking out. I was dialing my husband as I went, to tell him that she had kicked me out of therapy. This made her really mad, and she started saying "I didn't kick you out, you quit" which is technically true. Then she added, "Good luck finding anyone who can work with YOU!"

It's a shame, because EMDR was helping me so much, and my therapist wouldn't even be professional enough to make a transition to a new therapist easy for me. Also, she holds all the power in this (should be professional) relationship. I am taking a class in Medical Ethics and Law, and my textbook says that psychotherapy notes are privileged UNLESS you sue or lodge a complaint against the therapist. So, I can slip off into my own world, and her furiously scribbled opinions from the last time she went off on me will remain private. No one can ever see them, unless I lodge a complaint against her. Then it will be her word against mine, and who do YOU think the guild of professional psychotherapists are going to give the most weight to, a patient who by seeking professional help is admitting to needing help, or one of their own, a trained professional? All of her opinions will have the weight of medical diagnosis, while my opinions will just be considered the vendetta of a disordered person. Lose-lose for me.

Also, every other medical record you have a right to see by law, and add an amendment or rebuttal to that record if you disagree with what it written there. Not psychotherapy notes. A patient doesn't even have the right to see them, as the therapist can claim it would be detrimental to your emotional/psychological well-being. Yes, they really hold that much power over you.

I shared all this with my daughter last night, who basically said "I told you so." Lolz. She said about herself, "The odds are good I will be smarter than they are to start with (true for her, she is really brilliant with an Einstein level IQ)and I am in college. I know that just because they graduated from college doesn't mean squat." She has a point.

She then asked me if I ever thought of myself as Sarah Conner of Terminator fame. I had to say no, but don't I wish I had her arms! :p

Well, my daughter told me that she had always thought of me as Sarah Conner, and that I had the same mental toughness that the character Sarah Conner displayed. She told me that she knows I can handle this career transition and she is behind me 100%. Heck, she drove an hour over to the house to tell me all this in person. =D

So there's the update. I am in school full-time, working on taking charge of my life and becoming self-supporting. Pray for me: I have some paper-work snafus to deal with before my next stage of education. It is not easy going back as an adult student. Although teaching high school for the last six years has me well prepared academically, the paper trial is problematic. I need my shot records, for one thing, and my childhood pediatrician is dead and the health department back home decided to shred all documentation over 25 years old in the late 80s. My high school transcripts should have my shot records on them, so I have sent away for a copy of those. Let's hope that works out.

My husband will continue with the therapist. I hope that turns out to be a good thing, as I have heard from other abandoned middle aged wives that it was counseling that convinced their husbands that they deserved better than the wife of their youth. :/ But the man needs some kind of help, and EMDR works really well if that therapist will actually use it with him.

And finally, I am no exception. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse. Even though each person has their own story, and even though each angry man has probably been victimized in some way as a child that deserves sympathy and support, in the end, women still get the shaft. No one is going to cut us a break. If we stay, we are weak and probably asking for it. If we leave, we are heartless shrews who walked away from our vows and left those poor hurting men to cry in their beer.

I wish women would at least be there for each other, but that isn't going to happen either. So be there for yourself, sisters. And let Jesus be there for you. He certainly knows what it is like to be "despised and rejected of men". The only way to get any real help from the shelters, etc. is to stay until you are physically hurt enough to require medical attention, and screw that. You deserve better than that. Who cares if anyone believes you were in real danger? If you feel you are in danger, protect yourself. FTW,not FML. =)

Make peace now with the reality that no matter what you choose, some people will vilify that choice.

Make peace now with the reality that no matter what you do, some people will condemn you.

Make peace not with the reality that no matter what your spouse chooses to do, some people will still blame you.

For me, it's important that I have peace with God, and that my children both support me. Some women don't even get that. I am really blessed that way. There was a time when his emotional abuse used the children against me, so I am really really grateful that he took responsibility for his actions when he did. He may go back on that, and say that the real problem all along was me, but the children have already seen the truth and they wont' be going back. I really appreciate that, and I know that is a true blessing.

Well, home work awaits. Peace and good will, SS

Online friends and followers

2011-03-14T08:15:00.001-07:00

Those of you more intimate with my personal story and life, who know my name IRL, email me at: to_shadowspring@yahoo.com, or reply here if you would like an update. I could use all the prayer and support I can get, but due to the highly sensitive nature of recent events, I cannot publish my last several entries. However I would like all who would truly pray, to know what's up so they will pray.

Peace and good will,
SS

Not Everyone Can Home School Successfully

2011-02-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

There, I said it.

I should have been saying that all along. Instead, as a home school advocate who loves the opportunities for sharing life and learning with my own children, I have often declared that anyone with good reading comprehension can home school.

I was wrong.

I submit my list of reasons people should NOT home school:

If the teacher is depressed, he/she should NOT home school.

If you wind up depressed, send the kids to public or private school, take some time for yourself, and everyone will be happier. See a doctor, try medication, and find some counseling. If you are a 'fully committed, convicted Christian family', then by all means seek out some secular counseling. Get some balance in your life.

If you are truly sealed by the promised Holy Spirit, you have nothing to fear from seeking secular counsel. IF a counselor gives you advice you feel contradicts the Bible, reject that advice. Counselors do not have mind control powers; they can't brainwash you or anything.

On the other hand, if you are reading your Bible and studying God's Word everyday, or were before you got depressed, and you wound up unhappy and fatigued, then obviously you need more than Bible doctrine to recover your joy in living.

If you are sick with a fever, and prayer doesn't heal you, I hope you are smart enough to see a doctor. If the doctor diagnoses a bacterial infection, I hope you are smart enough to take antibiotics. Your brain is an organ of your physical body, and if it is stressed you will be depressed- physical fact. Get help for your physical body. It is not a sin to admit you are a biological creature, it's a fact. It is not a sin to take medications when something is amiss with your body, it is wisdom. Anti-depressants work most of the time.

Don't try to home school if you are weaning off of anti-depressants, and NEVER go off of them cold turkey.

If you think it's time to wean off, do it during the summer or put the kids in school for the semester. Walk in wisdom.

If the teacher is not enthusiastically excited personally about teaching, he/she should NOT home school.

Home schooling is a serious full-time undertaking. You wouldn't go to a job you hated for no pay every day. Don't home school for no pay everyday just because someone else convinced you that you "should". A reluctant, resentful teacher could put a child off of learning permanently. And don't kid yourself that you could hide your unhappiness about it forever, either. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Your students/children will know you don't like teaching/learning, and it will crush their own love for learning. Don't do it.

One should never home school because of someone else's convictions.

This is the flip side of the above adage, but well worth repeating. Too many moms have met someone like me, who loves home schooling and gushes enthusiastically about how great it is, and have tried home schooling only to wind up hating it. If you meet someone who is loving home schooling, and you "catch the bug" from them, don't immediately pull your children out of school.

Take the energy from that enthusiasm and channel it into research. Look at curriculum, read books all across the home schooling spectrum: from unschooling to classical education, eclectic to strictly religious. Go to conventions with your bulls*** detector set on sensitive. Look at home school teens and try talking to them. Seek out home school graduates and talk to them. Keep your eyes wide open.

Romans 14 says that every person should make up his/her own mind about disputable matters, like method of education and family style, and that we should each be fully convinced in OUR OWN minds. Make up your own mind, don't let someone else's enthusiasm or dogmatic demands make up your mind for you.

If you can't afford to purchase quality materials and helps, the little extras, or spend the gas money to get out of the house and into the real world on a regular basis, don't home school.

Experiential real world exposure is one of the great advantages of home schooling. You are free to get out and go places while other students are locked in a classroom all day. But if you can't take advantage of that freedom, then let your kids go places on the school system's dime. A few rushed, large-group field trips are not really adequate for a great education, but they are much preferable to none.

I used to say that you didn't need a lot of money to home school, but that is only partly true. You do need some money to home school adequately, and a nice surplus to home school well. I know I will really anger some people of limited means who are telling themselves that isolating their children in their country homes IS real world experiential learning, as opposed to isolating children in classrooms at the public school.

To those people, I say: Stop kidding yourselves. Most of the school year in one particular building is stifling and repetitive. It is just as stifling and repetitive if it is the family home rather than a school classroom. At least in school a student has a greater stimulation from other students interests and talents.

If you can't read fluently, use and understand good grammar for the official language of the country you reside in, and if you are not comfortably competent at math through the level you intend to home school, don't home school.

This seems self-explanatory enough. You can hire tutors in real life or on-line for higher math, but you must be able to give your students a sound mathematical foundation to build on for that to work. Ditto with reading and writing (for Americans) proper English. You can't teach what you don't know. If a child can read fluently, with good comprehension, they can learn almost anything they want to learn for the rest of their lives. The same goes with basic math. If a child can understand numbers and how they relate to real life and why we use basic math symbols to calculate and can do that well, they have a great foundation to learn higher math if they want/need to do so later.

But, if they can't read fluently, forget learning content while they are still decoding phonics. And if they don't understand that multiplication is merely a shortcut for adding the same number to itself a certain number of times, forget algebra, much less calculus. Do not discount the importance of these skills.

Finally, though there are probably other really good reasons NOT to home school, I must say this to all home school enthusiasts:

If your belief system is more important than your children's mental, physical, spiritual and social health, you should not home school.

If unschooling, Charlotte Mason, raising your children Ezzo's way or Waldorf's way, or any other philosophy of education or child rearing is your true cause, you should reconsider home schooling.

I have met unschooled children who were content and learning happily, and I have met unschooled children who were very unhappy and resentful that everyone else their age could read and they couldn't. Many students thrive with a Charlotte Mason education, but if you have a child who hates to draw and itches like crazy when they are out in nature, those nature sketches will be a nightmare. Always put your students needs above your educational/pedagogical theories. If you can't do that, don't home school.

Okay, well that's probably enough feathers ruffled for quite some time. I won't be checking comments right away, as I have a boat-load of studying to do. If I don't respond right away it doesn't mean I won't dialogue with you eventually, so be patient.

Peace and good will, SS

EMDR works/sharing the same therapist

2011-02-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

I apologize in advance for the typos I will most likely make and not have time to correct, and any poorly constructed sentences/paragraphs. I really don't have time for this, but I think it's important to share, especially with others who may have similar problems in their personal lives/marriages, etc. So here goes:

EMDR is working. I don't really know how to explain it, I just know that situations that in the past would have been seriously emotionally upsetting are now only mildly upsetting. I also know that I no longer stifle my self as much as I used to, or maybe what I mean is that when I do, it's my conscience freely chosen decision and not something I feel I *should* or *must* do, if that makes sense. Also, when things are going poorly, as in the conversation with my father-in-law on his last visit, setting boundaries like "you can't talk to me that way" comes out of my head without emotion and there is no guilt or shame either. It's so matter of face, logical, reasonable- and I am loving this new way of being. I love it ESPECIALLY because it's automatic and am not coaching myself into it. Too cool.

The thing is, I am only in stage four (of lots of stages, either eight or sixteen, I forget) and all I have read says that if you cut therapy short and skip the end stages, you can lose the progress you have made. So I definitely don't want to cut it short.

Why would I even be considering this as a possibility, you might ask. Good question. Before I answer, I have to tell everyone that EMDR is working so well that the incident I am about to describe to you, while it once would have been extremely traumatic, was only mildly upsetting. I am quite positive the other person is way more bothered than I was at the time and that I was quite able to put it aside and get on with my life within oh, say, a half-hour. I am thinking not so much with the other person. Weird and wonderful both. Lolz.

So, a little background first. You know my husband went to Life Skills 26-week program through a local church. At Life Skills (by Paul Hegstrom, reformed philanderer, woman beater, and former preacher- hisstory is amazing and full of hope for all seriously messed-up misogynist Christian men, of which there are too many in the closet) my husband learned to take time-outs when he felt the tension rising, or when I called a time-out. After Life Skills, things were not all fixed, so he agreed to go to counseling with a man claiming to be skilled in domestic violence, among other areas.

Big mistake. Most people only think they understand domestic violence and domestic abuse. Anyway, the next time my husband was seriously in his reptile-brain, and I refused to let him back in the house until he called his counselor, the counselor was no help at all. He couldn't believe that such a nice guy as my husband could be at fault, and suggested I come into to see him too.

Now thank God my husband really wants to be healed. If he just wanted to evade responsibility for his own emotions and actions, this counselor was going to enable that. That could have been the beginning of divorce proceedings right then, but my husband was not wanting someone to be on "his side", he wanted to stop hurting his wife- emotionally, mentally, verbally as well as physically. So he fired the therapist.

We went and bought a twelve dollar book, titled (I think) How to Stop Hurting the Woman You Love. (I will edit this later, to add author and correct title if my memory is wrong.) The first chapter was awesome, gave us all we needed to know to successfully implement the time-out procedure, and it has been a great tool for us ever since.

It's a sports analogy, meaning stop the interaction ( the game) and take some time to go check with your coach/playbook. For my husband, this means prayer, journaling and going through his Life Skills paperwork. Life Skills recommends in thirty minute increments until peace and love are a possibility in the husband/wife relationship.

So, with the final pieces of the puzzle from the book, we wrote out a contract. Either of us can call a time-out at any time, the other agrees to honor it, we check the clock and agree to come back together in exactly thirty minutes. (PAPDs intentionally drag their feet to frustrate the other into anger, so this is an important point! Also, making sure the other knows you intend resolution, and are not abandoning them, is very important.) We even stipulated procedures for if the first thirty minutes wasn't enough, but we haven't had to put those into practice.

Okay, those of you following this blog know that we see the same therapist, but for EMDR, not marriage/relationship therapy. IT IS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA TO SEE THE SAME THERAPIST FOR MARRIAGE THERAPY IN A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SITUATION. That is my opinion, but you can verify that I am not the only one who has come to that conclusion. Therapists just cannot seem to get their head around the fact that the formerly victimized spouse needs to be in complete control of whether or not a situation is turning abusive. Your former abuser should be readily willing to cede that decision to the formerly abused spouse in perpetuity. As my husband says, "If I am in my reptile brain, why would you ask me to decide if I am being abusive or not? That's guaranteed to end badly. If I could tell I was slipping away on my own, I wouldn't be there. I need a friend to point out to me that I'm drifting to a bad place. That's just stupid, to ask me what I think about it if I am already showing signs of PAPD."

The first weird incidence with this therapist, where she made assumptions about our relationship and insisted on "advising" me about it, can be found here. It happened again last week.

The cool thing is how little it affected me. She bristled at the use of the term "time-out". I think instead of a sports analogy she imagines me shaming my husband by making him sit in the corner with his face to a wall? Not sure why that phrase got her going, but whatevs. Get going she did. She told me that instead of telling him he needed to take a time-out, I should ask him if maybe he thinks (feels?) he might need to consider if he thinks he needs to call a time-out.

Uh,no. If I am not free to call a time-out when I feel threatened in any way, then I am not safe. And if I am not safe, then I am not staying in the relationship. No, no, no, no, no, NO!

My adamant rejection of her advice was not angry, loud, or socially unacceptable. It was firm and direct though. This she could not handle at all.

It was extremely strange. I had to sit there with my lips pressed together, as anytime I tried to get a word in edgewise I was "talking over her". She basically wanted me to serve as my husband's therapist, helping him to reach a place of self-awareness. Uh, no. My goal is personal safety, not helping my husband evolve as a person. That's why he's in therapy, and beyond that the Holy Spirit and the counsel of those who have gone before (Life Skills) are there to assist him. That's what a time-out IS, for heaven's sake. I am NOT responsible for his emotional state. Those days are over forever.

The strangest thing of all was that what started this was the comment that things were going so well! As close as I can remember, my exact words were,"IF I have to correct him or tell him that he needs a time-out, he is not offended at all!" Seriously, that's the main reason my blogis so quiet and boring: we are living together in happiness. Peace, love, and affection characterize our relationship these days. It's wonderful!

Well, she totally tripped. I let her have her say, which took what seemed forever, as she kept adding and adding to her long litany of counsel. I wasn't allowed to talk. When it seemed like she was through, I asked if I could talk and she said "Not yet. I want you to answer this question, yes or no. Are you willing to consider my advice? Yes or no. Yes, or No?"

Uh, I'm pretty sure I know what the "right" answer is, duh. So I answered "yes" all the while thinking if I can't redirect off of this relationship and back on to EMDR, this is just a waste of my time today. Once I was allowed to talk, I told her that I didn't appreciate her treating me like a child, but I would set that aside to get to this other issue. I told her that she was making assumptions about our relationship without asking any questions, and that no I did not agree that my husband needed to be "in charge" of deciding when things were heading in a bad direction, and...all the time I spoke she was writing furiously, making faces and the sort of noises my grandma used to make when she was displeased. Huffy, I think is the word that fits.

So I looked at her and said, "You know, this is not working for me. This is not helping me at all. I think it's time for me to go".

Just like that. Calmly, rationally. I am so proud of myself. I gathered my things while she called on me to "wait, wait" but I knew I just needed to leave, so I did as politely as I could. I had already listened politely and been so calm the whole time.

As I was leaving I smiled at the receptionist and said some sort of goodbye. I know I was pleasant and kind. I was not angry at anyone, I was just matter-of-factly getting out of a non-productive social situation. Yay me.

The therapist came out and got between me and the exit. She said, "I was going to tell you there is no charge for today, but I guess you don't want to hear that!" Calmly, I replied,"No, not now, now is not the best time for that. And you are between me and the door." As I said this last sentence, she moved while I was talking and answered,"No I'm not."

And so I walked out the door. That was this past Tuesday, a week ago today. I called Ted in the parking lot and told him. Later that day the receptionist called to see if I wanted to keep coming and tell me, once I said yes, that my next visit was no charge.

And before you all freak out on me for going back, I want you to consider this: EMDR is a scientific technique. It works. If I were to switch therapists, I would have to go through weeks of intake again. Or, conversely, have my records transferred, which would include her no doubt the notes she scribbled furiously during our last visit. Legally I have the right to read those note and write a rebuttal which will also be included, but I just don't really want to go through all that, on either count.

EMDR is not like other therapies. I don't need her empathy or her counsel, only her training as an EMDR clinician. Sort of like a dentist, or an optometrist. It's a technique she is skilled in working, and switching EMDR clinicians now would be a hardship on me, not her. I am not going to let her emotional issues take EMDR away from me.

So I'm going to give it one more try. It may not work. She may not be able to act as a therapist since she made such an ass of herself last visit. I guarantee my husband is not impressed with her outburst and meddling. Thank God for that maturity on his part. He saw her yesterday and just will not discuss his current life situation with her. She asked how things were going and he just answered, "fine" and "let's get started".

I am going to try to implement his strategy from now on. The thing is: EMDR WORKS! We are the happiest we have ever been. Recent house-guests said we were like newlyweds. The last trouble we had was when my husband tried going off antidepressants around Christmas. Life is good for us now, and I credit EMDR with that. My husband is eating healthy and working out. I am freed up emotionally to go back to school and do things for me. Life is good. I don't want to quit EMDR before I've made it all the way through.

Oh, and the other reason I hardly blog is that "All I do is (study)! All day, every day." hee hee Put the word study in the appropriate place in this hilarious video, and that's my life now.

Peace and good will, SS

ps The video link below is poking fun at stoners. Warning for the sensitive among us: It contains the f-word and other cuss words. Since all I do is study, every day-all day, all I do is study, this video cracks me up. Don't watch if you don't have a healthy sense of humor.

Commandments of Men

2011-01-28T05:02:00.000-08:00

I am so busy with school, both mine, and home schooling my amazing intelligent, good-natured son, that my poor blog is being neglected. *sigh*

I am even behind on my blog reading, which I myself can hardly believe, as much as I love my cyber-haunts and the people who populate them. So today I will just link to one of my favs, Commanments of Men. Read and learn!

Boring is Good

2011-01-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

I want to quickly update my readers, especially those with a personal interest in how things are working out in my marriage and family. Things are going very smoothly. It is positively drama-free around here, which I think is wonderful.=)

I am continuing in EMDR therapy with great results. I have so much more energy for living now. My classes are interesting and challenging. I am pretty happy these days.

My husband is continuing his EMDR therapy and his antidepressants. Adding the second one into the mix has taken care of some side-effect problems from the first (of a personal *ahem* nature) and we are both happy about that. He smiles all the time now, and has a renewed interest in working out. He is affectionate, kind, loving. I can correct him or make a request without him being resentful. I haven't seen a PAPD flare-up since my last post about one.

My son is doing great. He is loving kick-boxing, Tae Kwan Do and his many friends. I am hoping he will do as well as I do on our mutual courses or even score higher than I do. It's a win-win for me either way. I do worry a little about whether or not he's taking his college courses as serious as he should, since I study a lot more often than he does. But maybe that's just because my middle-aged brain needs the extra effort.

My daughter is thriving in college. She is not making all the same moral choices that I would make, but I love her just the same. Her life is her own now, and I am confident that with Jesus as her Good Shepherd all things will work together for her good in the end. I do my best not to nag or condemn, because after all I could be wrong. And even if I'm not wrong, her life is not my business. My business is to love her unconditionally, and be here if she wants my opinion/advice. And I am not holding my breath on that! LOL

Okay, gotta run. Sorry this entry is so boring. Peace and good will, SS

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2011-01-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

"turn to face the strange, ch-ch-changes...."

So goes the chorus to the Bowie song of my youth. Funny, I have always garbled the words to that song growing up apparently, because I could have sworn that somewhere in that song he declared "God may change me, but you can't this time." *grin*

Anyway, in addition to my favorite saying "life is what happens while you're making other plans", there is the saying "the only constant is change". Or as Og Mandino put it in the book The Greatest Salesman on Earth, "this too shall pass". Everything changes.

My life as a home educator is coming to a close. My youngest, my amazing, talented, handsome, smart son, is ready to graduate early. Being the kind of home school mom I am, he will have all the credits he needs by the end of this semester. He was doing high school level work in junior high, and unlike public school students in this district, I gave him high school credit for his efforts. He's taking two online courses at the local community college this semester, his SATs next week, and then I guess once those are in he can start applying for the fall semester.

He has agreed to go to community college for the first year at least, as we are not prepared to send him off into the big wide world just yet. His freshman year will involve taking the bus uptown and doing his own thing on campus though, so after a year of that kind of responsibility, if has handled it will (and we expect he will) then we will send him off into the big wide world to seek his fortune. (Actually, we'll send him off to state university, but I always loved that line from the old fables. =)

So, in preparation for what I might do next, which needs to involve a decent salary for a couple of reasons, I also registered at the local community college. I intended to take only one online course this semester, but found out (much to my initial dismay)that I would need to go full-time and work h-a-r-d the rest of this year in order to be able to APPLY for the program I wanted to start in Fall 2012. If I take it any slower, I won't be able to start the program until Fall 2013, and waiting that long is just unacceptable to me.

So marks the beginning of a new phase in my life, once again. It will be kind of fun this semester, as my son and I are taking some of the same online classes and we can help each other study. And the next (fall) semester, I will be heading off for an hour commute every morning. I will need to finish a prerequisite certification course I need in order to apply for the course of study I really want. I will probably be way too busy to worry about how he's doing, which will wind up either a good thing or a bad thing, who knows? But it is what it is.

I am alternately terrified, confident, slightly anxious, and merely feeling okay about it. I was at the community college all day when the bronchitis kicked in, so this is all very new and mostly unexpected. I mean, I expected to enroll in "a" course, not find out I will have to be super committed and diligent and carry a full schedule right away. I compared it to going to Vegas to watch a show and waking up married the next day. I was not planning on this level of commitment when I walked onto campus that morning.

But I can do it. Other people do it. It's not impossible. And I really want this too, even if I am scared at times. If I fail, let it be after I gave it my all, and not for lack of trying, right?

I want this for several reasons. Number one is because that's what grown-ups do, they work for a living. I will definitely be going back to work, but if I take the time off and put in the effort to get trained for a specific skill-set, I can make more money for the same amount of work each week. The more I make, the more I can contribute to our retirement. Plus I want to be fully financially self-sufficient should the need arise. Secondly, I want a professional credential of some kind. It's a cultural confirmation that I really am as smart as I think I am, and it is awarded a respect in society that I never received as an office clerk at Wal-Mart back in my former working life. Third, I want a job serving humanity in some useful way, however small it may be.

So, if all goes well, and I make it through all the prerequisites, and am accepted in the medical sonography course in the fall of 2012, I may someday have a new career as an ultrasound technician. Or not. A lot can happen between now and then. The only thing constant is change. ;-)

Worth Reading Again

2011-01-05T15:37:00.000-08:00

I have a fever, no voice to speak of (haha) and I really shouldn't be on the computer. I just wanted to pre-emptively explain why this blog will remain quiet for a few more days.

So since I won't have any new material for a bit, enjoy one of my favorite former blog posts. I hope that many home school moms, new and experienced, will give it a read. Ciao!

Religion Less Home Schooling

Graceland Revisited

2011-01-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

Graceland is where I want to spend 2011. It is a post worth reading again. Peace and good will, SS

Happy 2011

2010-12-31T09:14:00.000-08:00

Life is really good right now. My dear husband is happy again, now that he returned to his old dose. Son is happy. Daughter is happy. House guests are mostly happy. I hope you too are happy, dear readers!

And for all those preachers from my past who told me that happiness is over-rated, and what you really need is joy, I say: You can't separate the two. If you claim to have joy while you are in fact unhappy, you are just playing with words.

Happiness, I was taught, was dependent on circumstances, while joy is a gift from God that enables one to be happy regardless of circumstances.

Huh? You can be happy and yet you are not experiencing happiness at that time? Gobbledy-gook.

So I wish us all happiness, in the midst of all our circumstances: those laced with uncertainty, those that are easily enjoyed, and even those that sanity demands we NOT be happy about. May little moments of laughter sneak in and lift you out of even those unhappy circumstances.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Guest Post by Sandra

2010-12-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

I put back up the last two posts, in part because I received this instructive and encouraging email from Sandra (you can read her blog, Chronicles of a Christian Heretic here). She gave me permission to publish it, so here it is!

Also, good news, as my husband returned to his former dosage his joy in living has returned as well. He still needs to make an appointment with his doctor to let him know that coming off the meds was not working well so he went back to the old dosage. I'll be praying for him that he will be able to do that soon and with no shame. For whatever reason, there is a lot of shame associated with needing medication for anything in his family. Fundamentalism is so weird. Without further comment, I give you Sandra's email:

And why is it the depressed can't just say "I'm not doing so well today. I'm sad and I don't know why." or "I can't stop thinking about xyz and it's really bumming me out." ? Doesn't my husband know by now that I can be counted on to be compassionate, understanding and lower my expectations accordingly?

SS,

You took down your posts this morning but last night's was still in google reader this morning and this paragraph jumped out at me.

I can only speak for myself and not your husband, but I know that when I am "in a state" (whatever not-healthy state that may be), I literally and truly don't usually know it for a long time--well past when it is glaringly obvious to everyone around me and even to myself in retrospect. In the moment, I am literally blind to my condition. And when it is pointed out to me, even in all civility, I turn on whoever is unfortunate enough to have thought I could be civil in return.

It would seem like the simplest of things to make one the statements you suggest above and I know my family would be incredibly gracious if I could bring myself to make them. But I can't do it very often. Most often, I can't because I can't see that I'm creating a problem; when that is pointed out to me, I refused to admit that I've been creating a problem (it's ridiculous and REALLY makes things worse but it is just how the chemistry works). Partly I am so embarrassed to have been caught in a state I was unaware of that I am furious at myself and I take it out on whoever brought it to my attention (kill the messenger). Of course, I know that my family is (still) loving and gracious enough to accommodate me when I am "not myself" (certainly not the self I prefer to be) if I could just give them the chance to be. But when I am not myself, I literally am not rational, I canNOT think in such a straight line.

In another paragraph, you mention "faking it". Mostly, I don't realize that I am faking it (although, again, clearly I am). "Fake it 'til you make it" has become more than second nature to me--it has been my default position for so long that I don't even know what not faking it looks like. I have to think really hard to find my real response to things (and that's when I'm in a rational state). The learned behaviors were learned so well, so young, and at such cost to my Self that I can't NOT respond with them when I'm in "a state".

Much love and "been there, done that" grace to you and yours.

S

Christmas 2010

2010-12-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

The day started out bad, was good in the middle, and ended poorly. My husband is clearly depressed again, and though he put a lot of effort into trying to make a good day, he crashed. I wish instead of faking it and trying to push through, he'd just come out and say "not feeling well today, I will be doing the best I can but understand it is like slogging through jello".

But he won't. Sigh. I was relying on him to be well, and when he fakes it that just winds up in an argument. I notice he's not really "here". I keep catching him withdrawing from the conversation, doing poor work, acting socially inappropriate, and not knowing he's depressed, I get irritated.

If he drops the ball when he's not depressed, and I point it out and ask for help getting it going again, he is quick to apologize and get in the game. But when he's depressed? Oy vey. "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you." And then the anger and invective come charging out at me, for daring to say anything about his obvious anti-social, childish behaviors.

I wonder how often depression results in domestic violence in other people's lives?

And why is it the depressed can't just say "I'm not doing so well today. I'm sad and I don't know why." or "I can't stop thinking about xyz and it's really bumming me out." ? Doesn't my husband know by now that I can be counted on to be compassionate, understanding and lower my expectations accordingly?

Or is it just my depressed husband who does that?

We had company this evening that we could have easily rescheduled. Our guest even called and said in light of the storm moving in, were we still going to go ahead with the dinner party? If I had known my husband was depressed, I would have taken the phone and told him that he probably shouldn't come and we'd do dinner another night. As it was, I left it up to my husband and he told the guest to come on over. And then ignored him once he got here. Such an unnecessary and unpleasant thing to have happen.

So, anyway, he did agree he was depressed again. We both had a good cry and then he went to bed early. I cleaned up after the dinner party and my teen and adult daughter helped. I had hoped that going back to the full dosage of his med would kick in right away, but maybe it will take awhile. Anyway it is not very much fun, and after things were going to well, too.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Peace and good will, SS

12/26 Dh went to bed at 8pm last night; woke up considerably happier. Looking forward to the meds stabilizing again. Ayiyiyi.

Antidepressants and domestic abuse

2010-12-24T05:34:00.000-08:00

Republished December 29 after publishing Christmas Day and removing late that evening.

Two weeks ago my husband started weaning off of one anti-depressant and increasing the dose of another. I sent an email last Sunday to his therapist "for your info and my permanent record, as I will be keeping a copy of this email."

Just wanted to let [name] know that [my husband] was doing a medication change, and it has not gone without affect on his personality. He was more aggressive in driving, compulsively eating again, withdrawn, and antagonistic when any of these issues were brought up as a problem. This is a change back to old ways of thinking and behaving. After weeks of no time-outs at all, there were three days of time-outs last week, with Friday night requiring more than one time out that evening alone. He went ahead and took another dose of the med he was quitting (I don't why the doc didn't choose to taper him off) Friday night and he is better, but not fully happy and participating in life with joy like he was before.

I'm posting it here because I know women in other bad marriage situations read here, and it would be duplicitous to hide problems. He is still not "fully happy and participating in life with joy like he was before."

He is returning to the old husband, the one who pleasantly enough ignored everything I said until I was frustrated, and then responds to me as if my normal human frustration at being stone-walled is characteristic of "a bitch". My efforts to talk to him about how his personality and behavior have changed are called "mean and hateful". I can not account for this return to his old ways other than the changes in medication.

Last night, as we went to bed he read from one of the marriage books we have found helpful, apologized for not helping me as I had asked earlier that night, and promised he would help today. We got into bed and were both almost asleep. My cell phone rang.

It was my daughter with an unexpected crisis (no one's hurt). My husband's response was to turn his back to me. When the phone call continued, he let out an exasperated sigh. He did this a few times.

Wow. Total abandonment of both me and my daughter in one grand gesture. She is shivering in a parking lot afraid and worried about this fender-bender, and he has NO COMPASSION. He hears me comfort her and offer advice and he HAS NO DESIRE TO COMFORT HER OR SUPPORT ME.

Instead, he feels put out and has no problem passive-aggressively broadcasting his self-centered disorder as self-righteously as he can. Unbelievable.

When I do finally take a break from my phone call to tell him to get up (my job as ezer, and he has agreed repeatedly he wants that kind of relationship) he grudgingly does so. He is very kind to my daughter on the phone, but not to me. When the crisis is past and I try to talk to him, he is not at all interested in bringing healing to our relationship.

Unbelievably, he denies that he abandoned me to deal with this myself and was a self-centered jerk, because in his mind once he did get up, then the facts, that he laid there for five minutes sighing in irritation and never did man up and do anything motivated by love, but ONLY took any action in the form of REACTING to my frustration and rebuke, were magically erased from accountability.

All attempts to address the real issue- his self-centered return to PAPD- are being met with classic PAPD behavior. Trite apologies with right words and no emotion. Self-righteous withdrawal into himself when I point out the reality that in human relationships, this is not enough. One must do more than apologize, one must repair the damage done. He knows this. PAPD counts on it. That way the original offense can multiply and cause more pain and damage in the relationship while allowing the PAPD to pity himself as the victim here.

(Religion teaches this constantly. Anyone who brings up a problem "needs to forgive" i.e. suck it up and accept the mistreatment. I hate what the church has done to the words of Christ.)

Well, I had hoped that after a full night's sleep, he would be reasonable again. Nope. Full blown PAPD this morning, complete with physical, verbal and emotional symptoms. When I tried to talk to him this morning (yes, in a calm rational voice, though we are discussing a problem that an apology alone won't solve) he first withdrew his arms, next crossed his arms over his chest, and then actually started to walk out of the room.

I thought his conscience must be scratching his heart somewhere, because then he did come over and lay beside me and put his arm around me, though his arm was now across my neck. I noticed he could have hurt me badly, but chose to assume it was not intentionally intimidating. But then he started repeating, "poor baby" and I then I knew for sure this man was not in his right mind.

This "poor baby" crooning is a personal symptom of his when he is in a PAPD episode/domestic abuse. It's physically manifesting that in his thoughts he is belittling and infantilizing my concerns. Another term for is is misogyny. He is not an adult having a conversation with another adult; he is a god managing an inferior being. His patronizing behavoir is intended to make him look good and reveal his contempt for me at the same time.

The literature about PAPD points out that this is (subconsciously?) intentional and that this thinking about oneself and others is the bedrock on which all the passive-aggressive behaviors are built. Heck, it is the bedrock upon which all domestic abuse and violence is built.

So silly me, I tried having a rational conversation about this too. Why do I think he will hear me with a heart of good will when he is like this? That is about as likely as snowfall in July.

So he turned that around to say I was saying hateful, cruel things about him (pointing out his PAPD behaviors) but he loves me anyway. O. M. G. The therapist calls this the reptile brain and I see why. I might as well be talking to a reptile.

So, he is in a "time-out" right now, but barring some miracle of God all it really is a free pass to avoid dealing with his very real personality problems that are causing distress, pain and frustration to those he loves while indulging his ego. There was absolutely NOTHING humble or honest about his going to this "time out". He is attempting to use it as just another weapon that keeps intimacy and love from invading his life. Ugh.

Well, good news on my front. I am frustrated, but I have a plan. Go back on full dose of the anti-depressant immediately and make an appointment with the doctor next week to discuss the persistent personality problems that are accompanying these changes. That's my bottom line.

And if he chooses not to? At the very least, he will be sleeping on the couch. As to further consequences if he persists in misogyny/self-absorption/resentment? I don't know, but I know that God will be my strength and deliverance.

Peace and good will, SS

Deify or Defy?

2010-12-18T09:17:00.000-08:00

What should be the proper response of a believer to an other who wants to claim for themselves the title of gatekeeper to God for that person? Is not complying with that demand giving to that mere mortal equivalence with God himself? If this mere mortal claims the right and responsibility to interpret Scripture, issue edicts, demand total submission and obedience, are they not putting themselves in the position of God himself?

What blasphemy! What arrogance! And yet, whole ministries and families run on these very presuppositions. Not only so, but they market the ideology and ensuing lifestyle to others. It is an extremely profitable business, if the Vision Forum full color catalog and the prices of their wares are directly related to the success of their venture. Big bucks are flowing into the idolaters coffers.

It all comes down to this for the children of patriocentric homes: deify or defy.

Deify your father, ascribe to him all the rights and privileges of God Almighty, live as if his words are the edicts of the Most High, in other words, commit blatant idolatry... or defy him.

Just say no. In that simple act of honesty, "no, daddy, you are not god", the children of these homes face an emotional cruelty that mirrors the excommunications the Roman Catholic authorities handed out to those who dared defy their claims to supreme authority acting as the sole representative of God on earth.

I have seen and read with my own eyes, listened with my own ears, of multiples stories of excommunication. Daughters who just say no to idolatry are cut-off from their families "for their own good". Just like the Catholic church excommunicated Martin Luther for defying their idolatrous claims to power and authority, these daughters (and sons) are sent edicts, damning them to hell in some cases, cutting them off completely from all love and fellowship with their families in all cases. And like the devout Catholics of the seventeenth century hated the Protestants and joined in the persecution of those "rebels", followers of patriocentricity band together to ostracize and persecute the faithful believers who have just said no to Daddy, casting them out with the dreaded charge of "rebel" as in days gone by.

I never thought I would see the day when the evangelical community so closely resembled the Roman Catholic church of the Middle Ages. Everything that was wrong with the Roman Catholic church then, all that our fore-fathers struggled against, is now repackaged as "the true faith" and sold in glossy catalogs, wholesome-looking web sites, promoted by fresh-scrubbed speakers at well-attended modern convention centers and parroted by a world of wannabes looking to be included in the esoteric circles of the truly committed. The office of "priest" is now conferred upon daddy, but all of the power ascribed to the role remains the same.

Deify or defy. Idolatry or obedience. Traditions of men or the terrifying leap of faith into the holy wild with Jesus.

To all of my sister in Christ who have chosen Jesus over Daddy, even though it meant excommunication and exile from all you have known and loved, you are in good company. I know that Jesus will never fail you nor forsake you, and life will be a grand adventure as you go from glory to glory with the Lord leading every step of the way.

Mark 10: 29 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.

You made the right choice.

Love and Peace at Christmas

2010-12-16T06:18:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite blog authors is Eric Pazdziora, who a regular guest writer on one of my favorite blogs, Quivering Daughters.

Both Hillary McFarland, the blog owner of Quivering Daughters, and Eric Pazdzoria, guest author, write with a gracious gentleness that soothes and heals. I hope your heart is inspired and uplifted by this recent blog post about Christmas trees, as mine was. Peace and good will to all who read here. May you find what you're looking for, and when you do, may if satisfy your heart in every way. SS

Biblical Economics in Comics: A Home School Mom's Review

2010-12-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

*This post will be edited at a later date for clarity, style, spelling, grammar and punctuation. I am extremely busy IRL but just had to get this out there!

Many years ago (6? 8? 10?), back when I still frequented home school conventions every chance I got, I first came across this book. I was thrilled at the concept of a complicated subject presented in comics. I had a gifted student for whom I was always on the lookout for fun-loving ways to introduce higher concepts. Having already purchased A Cartoon Guide to Physics on a previous shopping spree, I didn't even look at this book before whipping out my wallet and adding it to the home school treasure trove known as my learning library. Besides, Vic Lockman was a famous catroonist. I was familiar with his work because I grew up reading newspapers. Smugly I placed it on my library shelf when I got home, knowing I had my students' future educational needs already covered.

Middle school days arrived sooner than expected, but I did not panic. I was well prepared. We had spent years learning world and American history, so once our state history had been duly taught, learned and mastery quantified, it was time to move on to civics and economics. I searched the social studies sections of my book stash to see what I had available so I could plan a unit study on economics. I smiled broadly as I rediscovered my long ago purchase, Biblical Economics in Comics by Vic Lockman.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, grabbed a spiral notebook for planning out exactly how I would present the contents of the book, and settled down for what I thought would be a comfy read. After only a few pages, though, my opinion of this book, Vic Lockman and the vendor from whom I made my purchase, went through a radical revision. And I do mean radical.

You see, I was still living in a spiritual wonderland where I believed that everything described by the adjective "Biblical" would actually be wholesome evangelical doctrine, safe and nutritious as mother's milk. Surely it would glorify the Lord Jesus Christ and his finished work of atonement on the cross. It must have been written to draw people closer to the Lord of Love, the God of Grace, the Shepherd's leading of the Spirit of God. It would be full of things that were "true,...noble,...right,...pure,...lovely,...admirable,...excellent,...praiseworthy" in keeping with Philippians 4:8. That was my naive assumption.

Instead I opened up a book that was base, mean-spirited, ugly, opinionated and not at all praiseworthy. In shock, I kept reading, like one stares in fascination at an infected wound. How can this exist in the world?! Who lets this happen?!

By the time I was done with this little tome, and I read it cover to cover, though not without many outraged interjections to my husband ("Honey you won't believe what he says next!), I decided to keep it on my library shelf. It is the single best example of propaganda I have ever come across, and I have used it as such in my civics courses ever since. I even have my students write essays explaining how the propogandist Vic Lockman uses style (cartoons seem wholesome, innocent), caricaturization (the way he draws the "bad" characters versus the "good" characters), demonization of entire classes of people (those working for the government, called "beaurarats" and drawn as rats; people using government assistance as all lazy con-artists), misrepresenting opposing ideas (portraying economists promoting government spending as economic stimulus as heartlessly promoting vandalism in order to stimulate spending) and worst of all, denying the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ by calling for a theocracy in America based on the Old Testament system of law as "Biblical".

I kid you not.

Jesus said plainly that his kingdom was not of this world, and told Pilate that if it were he would have led his followers to war in order to establish his earthly kingdom, but He did not. The Savior of the world was never interested in setting up a political realm where people were forced by law to obey the Bible. Instead, he went about doing good and healing all that were oppressed of the devil. He even plainly pointed out the deficiency of the law when he said, "You have heard it is written...but I say unto you..." several times in his Sermon on the Mount. The apostles later reiterated by the power of the Holy Spirit that the kingdom of God is not "meat or drink" but "righteousness peace and joy in the Holy Spirit".

Theonomy is blasphemy against the Lord Jesus Christ, and this little cartoon guide promotes this blasphemy unabashedly. Be warned, home school parents!

For years I have been using this book as an example of propaganda at home, and occasionally posting about my experience with it on various online forums, but without every bothering to go look up the title and author from the shelf and naming names. What prompts this post now, you may wonder? I saw a full color Vision Forum catalog yesterday, and there in living color this poison little propaganda booklet is prominently featured. If I had the catalog in my possession, I would give out the page number.

Be warned away from this blasphemous book, home school moms who love Jesus! Don't be fooled by the innocent presentation of the comic format, there is poison inside. Jesus did not come to set up a political kingdom on earth, but to transform hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit, given to all who call on His name for mercy and life.

* If the temptation to attempt utopia on earth by promoting a "Biblical" theonomy appeals to you at all, run out and find a copy of Margaret Atwood's A Handmaid's Tale and Albert Marrin's Stalin: Russia's Man of Steel . Read them both repeatedly until you are cured of your idealistic fantasy about the power of government to bring heaven on earth.

Personal Holiday Update

2010-12-09T06:02:00.000-08:00

For all my longtime readers, I wanted to give a personal update on the state of my marriage.

EMDR/trauma therapy is continuing to be, well, therapeutic. =)

My husband and I are both in therapy, but we are NOT in marriage therapy. I can hardly stress that enough. We are each in individual therapy working on our own issues. We happen to be seeing the same therapist, but that is ONLY because this therapist is competent enough to keep her clients work confidential and separate in her mind, even though we are married to each other.

For newcomers, we are in therapy because of domestic violence issues, even though we are not in marriage therapy. Long story short, for many years we were happily married. I am not saying we were perfectly healthy- looking back there was emotional abuse going on and warning signs that things were not all right- but there was still a lot of love between us, forgiveness, affection, fun. I guess an apt comparison is to diet: we were not always choosing the healthiest foods (thoughts, behaviors) but we were young, active, and making enough good choices to stay healthy.

We had first one child, a daughter, and then another, a precious son. We were actually pretty happy (though my husband had some stress from work relationships now and then). We both had active spiritual lives. I was loving being a SAHM, and my husband was still my hero. Life was good most of the time.

Then (and the timing did not seem significant at the time) my husband took a job that required full-time travel. He was drawn to this occupation at about the time my son grew to be the size/age that my husband had been when he was sent away to boarding school by his missionary parents. Looking back, it is clear that the emotional wounds my husband suffered at that age resurfaced, yet the denial surrounding the life of missionaries is SO STRONG that neither of us ever considered that a contributing factor.

All I knew was that in spite of my being super-supportive of his new career venture he began to be a real jerk whenever he was home. He became very harsh with my son, openly favoring my daughter and treating me like I was stupid. All my concerns were emotional hysterics, rather than valid observations. Looking back, I am amazed that we lasted through this scenario as long as we did.

Every time I was close to leaving him, he would pull it together. I am both a forgiving and an idealistic person. Second chances are my specialty. And when confronted, he did make the big changes once he saw I meant business. The first time we almost divorced, he managed to get placed locally and get off the road. He renewed his spiritual life. We went to an Assembly of God Marriage Encounter and he diligently applied the program. Disaster was averted.

Time went on, and our marriage managed to do okay. With a lot of effort on both our parts, we got by. We even had moments of happiness that could even be called seasons. But always he would revert back to his misogynistic, patronizing behaviors eventually. He would stop communicating with me, and start trying to manage me. All of this time, he had some deep personal issues that went completely unacknowledged. Everything was my fault. I was overreacting. I was too emotional. Women, huh? >:[

I have two close friends with whom I would share all the frustrations and triumphs of life. One started telling me that my husband's behavior was abusive. I blew her off at first. We were good Christians, dontcha know? His behavior was certainly carnal. He was living a somewhat fleshly lifestyle. I could even admit he was "in sin". But abusive? That was a word for the drunk who came home and beat his wife up physically- not for my professional, white collar, middle class, suburban, evangelical Christian husband!

Finally it got to where life was impossible. I could not get my husband to hear me, no matter how I tried. He no longer considered me a fully functioning human nor a friend. He responded to me as if I were insane and unreliable no matter what the subject. He sparred with me verbally as if he considered me an enemy. He was unkind, obstructive, and rude when he spoke with me at all. Most of the time he used passivity, silence and inactivity to hurt me.

I remember once when we took a walk to go talk, and I sobbed deeply asking him why he hated me, what had I done? In a moment of honesty, he admitted he hated me and also that he had no real reason for hating me. He was genuinely distressed to admit this and promised to stop. Ah, if only it had been that easy.

I was talking with my other friend, a retired career woman, and asking her for help in formulating a plan to support myself so I could leave the marriage. Her precious husband advised me to at least give it one more try, as he did not want to see me plunged into poverty after all these years of faithfulness on my part. They suggested the ministry my other friend recommended. And so I agreed.

Shortly after that I began this blog. At that Marriage Intensive Seminar by Joel and Kathy Davission, I realized that I was in an abusive marriage. I came to see how by internalizing wrong teaching from the church (woman submit crap) I had intensified the problem and enabled it in reaching the dangerous proportions the abuse in our marriage had reached. I learned how my husband, by resisting my stated needs and obsfucating the conversations I had with him, my husband was (subconsciously but still purposely) manipulating me to become so frustrated I would be the first to raise my voice, allowing him to dismiss me as "too emotional" "hysterical"- even calling my response to his stone-walling tactics "abusive". And my Christian training enabled that to happen. Whoa.

My husband woke up to the fact that he was in fact an abusive man. At this point it manifested only as long-term emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. It was soon to escalate to physical abuse. Ironically, the wall of denial had already begun to fall down before it reached that point. If you would like all the details of how change and healing began to come to us, take the time to read all the past posts labeled "home school marriage" and/or "PAPD". (There is a lot of overlap on posts under these two labels.)

So now we're caught up, right? Okay, FINALLY the update!

My in-laws were here this past weekend. My husband remained affectionate and attentive to me while they were here, and I know that was purposeful and I appreciate it. My father-in-law spoke very disrespectfully to me once, and I calmly and immediately replied, "do NOT speak to me that way, I deserve to be treated with respect" and my father-in-law offhandedly said "sorry" and continued to make his point with respect. Wow. That was pretty cool.

I did not helplessly let him talk to me that way. I did not "wait" for my husband to confront him, and then feel hurt and dismissed when my husband didn't take up for me. I don't need my husband to take up for me. I can take up for myself. BUT knowing my husband was emotionally on my side was a satisfying reward.

He still isn't strong enough to personally confront his dad, and I am okay with that. He's working on it, which is more than most Christian men will ever do. I am so proud of my husband that he has stopped blaming me for all his deadness inside and is healing and growing as a person. He thanked me for taking up for myself and not trying to push him into something he agreed needed to be done, but that he was not ready to do. Isn't that awesome? It's like our marriage is an egalitarian partnership! (Ooooh, I said a naughty word. heh heh)

He recently met with his doctor to go over his meds and evaluate how they are working, and he came home so happy. When his doctor asked him when was the last time he had depressed thoughts of wanting to no longer be alive, he couldn't even remember that time. The anti-depressants and therapy are really paying off for him. I am so happy for him. He is so happy.

So, there you have it. The state of our marriage is: healing. No major problems since these posts here and here. We have come to a place where I can confront him calmly, and if he remains in his reptile brain, I can calmly walk away. He then gets it together (amazingly sooner rather than later!) and we get back in synch. So far, so good.

For my part, I am continuing in EMDR therapy for myself. I want very much to be able to go back to school and finish some kind of training and start a real career commensurate with my abilities. :) I would appreciate all prayers that I be accepted into the training course to which I have applied, and that I will be able to finish the course and succeed in a career that would pay enough that I could be totally self-supporting. Not because I am planning on leaving my marriage, but because that's what grown-ups do.

I want to take my place in society as a useful contributor now that my home school career is coming to an end. I am more scared than I thought I would be, and for the first time I am actually worried about being accepted for something I am applying to for admission. Yikes! Wish me well.

Peace and good will, SS

Can You Hear Me Now?

2010-12-01T02:51:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I am up typing at 5:00 am. I have been up since 3:00 am. This doesn't happen to me often. I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time.

Holidays are often such stressful times for people because of family of origin issues. I don't usually have much trouble with those, seeing as how I am a grown adult with a family of my own. However, my twin sister being so seriously ill complicates things a lot. It has drawn me into the outskirts of family of origin complications, and that's why I can't sleep tonight.

Scapegoat.

It's a Biblical term, you know. Once a year, the High Priest would lay his hands on the scape goat, pronounce the sins of the people over the goat as he laid hands on it, and then the goat would be led into the wilderness and abandoned.

As the Priest turned his back on the goat and walked away, he was walking away from the responsibility for the sin of the people. None of them would be held responsible. It was all the goat's fault at that point.

In my family, I am that goat.

I didn't volunteer for this role, I assure you. Neither did my twin sister, who shares the role with me because of the misfortune of being born a twin.

Talking to her recently, I also was reminded just how negatively my family of origin chooses to view me. My oldest sister, whom I once asked for temporary shelter if I needed to leave the marriage, is spreading this confidential news all over the family of origin relationship sphere. Of course she puts her own twist on it.

In her version, I am melodramatic and just crying for attention. Plus, if there actually IS any problems in my marriage, they are all my fault. I am lying about my husband, he would never hurt me. I am an evil, vindictive person out to destroy a good man. *sigh*

I can't believe I trusted her.

Well, for all of you who pray, please pray for protection for my very sick twin sister. I was surprised when the whole family came together to help support her in her time of illness. Our family is so ungodly, though very religious, so any practical compassion on their part is a true testament that the forces of good are at work in the earth!

They are still one screwed up dysfunctional family though, with a history of blaming everything on the twins, perpetual scapegoats that we are. One the one hand they do currently provide financial support for my (very sick) twin. On the other hand the last time my oldest sister visited her in person, she accused her of faking her illness.

She made these accusations publicly and with a great deal of anger. Talk about kicking a person when they are down. It was wicked. It was cruel. It was destructive. It was ugly.

But she is the one who holds the purse-strings. What can my twin do? She is completely at the mercy of my oldest sister.

So here's the bad news: my oldest sister hasn't spoken to me since she freaked out on me almost a year ago. She had just returned from a visit to my mom's, which seemed to take her right back into the old family role of mom's co-abuser.

Now she is going back to visit my mom again, and intends to then immediately go see my twin sister. I am terrified for my twin. At the very least she will be verbally and emotionally abused during this visit. Don't suggest I am just being negative; I know these people well.

But at worst, my oldest sister is about to abandon her again. It is entirely likely that she is going to announce that the rest of the family is tired of financially supporting my twin. She will probably tell my twin that the Lyme disease is her fault somehow. Likely my oldest sister will hint it is all in my twin's head, and if my twin would just try harder to be well, she would be. Maybe my oldest sister will outright accuse my twin of faking it, like she did to her on her last visit.

I know how my family works. If they want to stop supporting her financially, they will do it in such a manner that they can blame my twin. They will torment her until she breaks, and then spread the news amongst themselves about how ungrateful and hostile my twin was, and after all they did for her! They will tell themselves that my twin doesn't deserve their support. They will try to torment her to the point that my twin herself will refuse their money.

I say "try" because that is not an option for my twin. She is permanently disabled by Lyme disease. She can not work. I think she is still getting government disability, but that is a paltry sum. She is on Medicaid, but then Medicaid doesn't cover Lyme disease. The government health care doesn't acknowledge that chronic Lyme exists, even though Americans die from it every year.

We send her rent money every month. My younger sister pays her prescriptions. My older sister pays her private health insurance. Even my NPD mom chips in, surprisingly.

My older sister organized all this, in her moments of Christian conviction, about the same time that she reconciled with me. Of course those days are over now, and I am afraid that all the Christian charity has dried up as well.

SO PLEASE PRAY FOR MY TWIN!!

I am asking God to heal her, as I have been all along, but no miracle has been forthcoming yet. Maybe if you join your prayers with mine?

Pray that God will turn my oldest sister's heart: that she will not be able to go see my sister immediately after visiting my mom. That's is the absolute worst-case scenario for my twin.

Pray that God will stir up the hearts of my family once again to true Christian love. It was a miracle the first time. It would absolutely rock my world if He would do it again.

Can you hear me now, God? Out here in the exiled wilderness where the scapegoats go? Does anyone else hear me? If you will join me in prayer, please leave a comment. I am so in need of hope this morning. Maybe God will come through for my precious twin if we all pull together in prayer?

I feel rather puny right now. ~SS

My Own Olive

2010-11-26T07:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was bitter sweet for me. I had a wonderful relaxing low key Thanksgiving with my husband, children and a good friend. We feasted and laughed and life was good. We don't have much in the way of leftovers, just some turkey and of course the vegetables. As much as we love them, if the leftovers for grazing are cold vegetables versus cold pumpkin pie, it's a no-brainer.

After dinner we watched a movie about family loyalty, Little Miss Sunshine. Take that, my fundie upbringings! There is more real love and loyalty in the final scene of that movie than I think I ever experienced in the totality of my life growing up in my (self-) righteous "Christian" fundamentalist family. It is quite a contrast.

So after the movie, my dear friend, whom I admire greatly, found the cajones to make a difficult phone call. Her life, her story so I won't elaborate here, except to say that I found it inspiring. I decided to make a difficult phone call myself.

I had been thinking about my twin sister and praying for her more than usual. (Back story here.) I always hesitate to call, because she is gravely, chronically ill and I do not want to be the person to wake her up just as she has finally fallen to sleep. It's safer to e-mail.

An email is just not the same as a human voice, though. Sometimes the payoff is worth the risk, so, following my friend's example, I picked up the phone and made the call. I didn't even get her voice mail. The phone just kept ringing so I assumed she was on another call and hung up. I resolved to try again later, and by later I meant another day. I don't think she can handle two phone calls in one day.

Well, to my surprise, she called me back later. We would up talking for almost three hours. I consider it one of my finest achievements of the year that she was actually laughing when we got off the phone. If I accomplish nothing better this year, my life counted for something good in that moment. She deserves to laugh and experience joy in this life.

Most of the two hours was not overflowing with laughter. She is truly ill, and that is a reality that hangs ominously like a dark cloud over every moment of her life. It IS her life right now, unfortunately. All of her energy is focused on getting well, getting treatment, fighting the ignorance and indifference of overworked medical staff, struggling against the insurance establishment, and then underlying it all, the abandonment, rejection and vilification from her effed up family of origin is still there.

I hate what fundamentalism did to my sister. I realize that is was just one of many tools that my NPD mother used to dominate and control us, but the weapon itself is still nasty, really destructive. My twin is one of those who went through the terror of believing the rapture had taken place and she was left behind. Damn that horrid movie A Thief in the Night. Understandably, having been abandoned at birth to the hospital preemie ward, then abandoned by mom completely when sent to live with my Grandma, and abandoned by our biological father by the age of two years old, abandonment was already her biggest fear and greatest source of pain.

For those of you not in the know, the "rapture" was made up by Americans in the 1700-1800s. It was never a traditional Christian doctrine, i.e. the apostles who walked with Jesus never taught it. It remains a great tool for terrifying people to convert to a semblance of Christianity, a la "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God", and it is an especially great tool for controlling people once they "get saved". Walk that line, people, or get abandoned by Jesus right when the world starts to get the ugliest it has ever been!

(For the record, the gospel message is the opposite of Jonathan Edwards and his manipulating sermon. Jesus came to seek and save those separated from the loving heart of God. He came to reconcile us to God. Jesus tore the veil separating us from the Divine Presence of the Holy Trinity. The Father sent Jesus to us, to show us the Father and because the Father so LOVED us! God is not disgusted by you, and anyone who tells you different is a liar. (All of this is in the Bible, plain as day, but I will not thump you with references here. Email me at to_shadowspringATyahooDOTcom if anyone wants the references. Be warned that if you want to merely argue doctrine, I have no time for you.)

Rejection was my twin sister's earliest emotional experience, so of course when a preacher one day told her that God planned to burn her in hell for all eternity, but if she would walk the aisle and pray this prayer, then God would relent and not punish her forever, she fearfully, tearfully made her way down the aisle. It was no hard sell to convince her that God rejected her as she was. That preacher had it easy on that count. The gospel of grace, though, the truth that Jesus will never fail us or forsake us? The truth that Jesus will never reject anyone who comes to Him? She was never able to rest in that. My twin sister couldn't really trust that His love was steadfast, unfailing, totally secure. She was never fully assured that He wouldn't snatch back his offer of mercy at any moment.

The Baptist proclivity for Finney style hard-sell high-pressure audience response techniques did nothing to assure my sister of God's love. In fact, re-dedications were almost as rewarding to the preachers as first time salvation responses. They worked that angle all the time, your need to "get right with God". For the insecure and the wounded it just muddled up what little true gospel had gotten into their message even further. Just thinking about fundamentalist doctrine upsets me, so let's just leave that bitter taste behind and get on to the sweet, shall we?

I was able to tell my sister that I loved her and that I accepted her as a sister in Christ, even without the fundamentalist trappings. Like many of our most vulnerable and weak in society, she talks to God all the time. She relies on Him to get her through each day, and is continually asking Him for help. She has an awareness of His presence and His love (thank God!) but it does hurt her to know that our fake Christian family rejects her as a heretic because she left fundamentalism behind so long ago.

I am just really really grateful that Jesus is not defined by fundamentalist doctrine. I am really really grateful that the Holy Spirit of the Living God doesn't take orders from the American Christian politico-business machine. I am thankful for that Amazing Grace that John Newton knew, and for all the drunks sitting around campfires today still crooning out that paen to the true grace of our Loving God. Keep singing.

I am thankful that I finally get it, that doctrine over person is WRONG. Jesus said that his new command was that WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

He did not say that his greatest desire is that we all get doctrinally correct, and finally uncover the hidden message of the rapture.

He didn't say that all men would know we were his disciples because of our regular church attendance, or the way we snubbed "unacceptable" people.

It was sweet to be able to honestly, sincerely tell my twin sister that she is acceptable in God's sight, just as she is, holy and precious to him because that's who Jesus is: He is love. It was sweet to be able to say honestly that yes, I believe the Holy Spirit is at work in your life, leading and guiding you on a daily basis. That meant so much to her and to me. I am ashamed that I missed out on that for so many years because I let fundamentalist fear be my truth, instead of trusting in the gracious love of God.

If my sister's life could be likened to the character Olive, putting her whole heart into something my religion told me was the wrong song, then like Olive she still deserved to be loved and supported. God looks at the heart, not the outward appearance. I wish I had loved my twin sister unashamedly like the non-religious family in Little Miss Sunshine loved their Olive.

I am thankful for all the families out there in the world that are like the family in Little Miss Sunshine, standing behind one another in solidarity no matter how tough times get. In that movie, the little girl may have made some embarrassing choices, but her family saw the innocent heart behind her efforts and refused to condemn her. I want to love like that: whole-heartedly, willing to be embarrassed if love calls for it, never rejecting but caring for people in the ways that they need, in that moment, to be cared for. I want to love like Jesus.

As a cyber friend wrote recently on his blog:

Do you think that if all the other voices were silenced (as if it were possible) and all you had were the scriptures and your own children to teach you about God that you would assume God loved you despite your behavior?

Good question, Ryan. Good movie, Michael Arndt. Good conversation, sister.

May the grace of God be a very real experience to all who read here. SS

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Wow. I am a little blown away by the traffic that my last post generated. I have had more hits on my blog over that post than any other ever, by a long shot. I guess that must mean I am on to something. And here I thought I was pretty radical and on the fringe. Maybe I am, but it at least appears I have a lot of company here. *waves enthusiastically at the other radical fringe Christ followers* =D

Today is Thanksgiving, so Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am the main cook around here, so I don't have time for a long thoughtful blog post. But short thoughtful I can do! So here's the thought:

2 Corinthians 13:11-14 Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. Greet one another with a holy kiss. All God’s people here send their greetings. May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

So marks the close of the second letter Paul wrote to the believers at Corinth, that we have in our possession still today. Wow! What a giant humongous great big bundle of good will and high aspirations, no?

Rejoice: I hope all of you find joy today in everything you do: chopping veggies, caring for children, cleaning for company, setting the table, making small talk with in-laws, walking the dog...all of it. I hope that you will all rejoice to be alive, and rejoice that there is a metaphysical Super-being who loves you overwhelmingly and unconditionally. Rejoice.

Strive for full restoration: That's a tricky one. Holidays often mean that we are around people with whom we have fractured, unhealthy relationships in some way. (Not for all you perfect families out there, but the rest of us! ;-) I hope that many of you will have been praying about these relationships, and that today is a healthy step toward full restoration. I myself will have no such awkward relations around the table this year, but I have in the past. So I will say a prayer for the people dealing with that today. As much as lies in you, seek for peace, but don't accept abuse in the name of peace either. Full restoration is going to have to take everyone's feelings into account, including yours. For me and my family of origin, it will probably always be something we strive for but won't attain this side of glory. But we do what we can.

Encourage one another. Speak that kind word. Be a cheerleader to your aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, sons and daughters, spouses and parents, neighbors and friends. We all need it. Sow some good stuff out there in the universe. Always a good idea.

Be of one mind. What the heck can that possibly mean in a world where two witnesses to the same accident will see things differently? I think it means of one purpose, not doctrine or belief or point of view. So here's hoping all of you come together today to share a day of peace, and can at least be of one mind on that. Jesus did command us to love one another, so I am praying that we can all be of one mind in this: asking Jesus to live and love others through us today.

Live in peace. Overlook what you can; take a stand when you must- but do so in gentleness and respect. I realize these things are tricky, and the trickiest part is what gets first place: keeping peace or living in truth? If everyone in the home is there in good will, it shouldn't be a problem. But if like my family of origin, there is a history of emotional abuse, that can be super-tricky. Me, I decided that it was actually impossible. I have not spent a Thanksgiving with my mom since she kicked me out at seventeen. In my defense, I've never been invited. On the other hand, I deliberately live half a continent away, so that pretty much guarantees I will never be invited. So, live in peace, fellow Christ-followers. That might mean you have to avoid certain people, if after striving for restoration you have not attained it. I give you permission to do what you must to live in peace, abuse-free, restorative peace.

Greet one another with a holy kiss. That's a lot easier if you're Brazilian or Italian or Romanian, but kinda tricky if you're American. Whatever makes you and your friends comfortable. The idea is to greet each other with true welcome and affection from a place of Christian love.

And now the good part:

"And the God of love and peace will be with you." "May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all."

Intimacy with God is what I live for: that whisper of the Holy Spirit in my heart that He loves me. The gentle nudge of grace that says I am a delight to God just be being, whether I burnt the mashed potatoes or not. The sense of being surrounded by love and the peace of heart that this sensation produces in my life. That's the stuff. That's what I wish you all on this holiday, and what the Lord Jesus came to welcome us into: fellowship with the Trinity. May it be the joy of all our lives today. Peace and good will, SS

Anne Rice and a new exodus?

2010-11-21T10:08:00.000-08:00

According to the ladies at the Wartburg Watch, a lot of formerly committed evangelicals are now calling themselves atheists. I have made cyber-acquaintance with a few over at No Longer Quivering. I have a cyber-friendship with one such person who has come full circle and wants to return to enjoying a walk with Jesus, albeit without returning to organized religion or at least not the organized religion of her past. Her blog is fittingly titled Chronicles of a Christian Heretic.

Anne Rice, famous author of the Vampire Chronicles, turned away from atheism and embraced Christianity, specifically Catholicism, a decade ago. Recently she felt that in order to be true to the teachings of Christ, she needed to separate from the organized religion of Christianity. Fox news had this report at the time.

More than one young woman, having been raised in a committed evangelical home, complete with daily devotions and weekly church attendance, are now questioning how what they have personally internalized from the Bible and more importantly, the ministry of the Holy Spirit in their lives, fits together with what is being taught in American churches. Men also are beginning to question what they have blindly believed and taught all these years as "the true faith".

What is going on here? Is this a Spirit led exodus out of the politicized business model that has become American Christianity? Is all of it the responsibility of the American Christian booksellers/curriculum providers/church growth/music/movie industry? For the capitalist enterprise that is the Christian market, it has been very profitable to promote a parallel Christian society that exists apart from and in opposition to "the world", i.e. all the other dear people with whom we share the planet.

I'm just wondering out loud, but maybe the death of the American church industry wouldn't be such a bad thing. My mentor, good friend and life-long Catholic believer has quit going to church because of the politicized, hierarchical money-making empire she believes her church has returned to with recent papal decisions. As for me, good Protestant I was raised to be, everything that I see is wrong with the Catholic church is wrong with the rest of the organized American religious empire.

We may not have ever sold pardons, but we have still twisted the good news of salvation to a profit-making enterprise that steals from the poor and blesses the rich. Ed Young Jr is merely one high profile preacher to get called out on the "tithe or God will getcha!" sermons I have heard in so many churches. How is that so different from selling indulgences? Both are taking money from people under the guise of "god's will".

All over my little corner of the internet, I am finding people who are fed up with abusive churches, pastors, and doctrines. Most of these people, like myself, like Anne Rice, are not leaving Christ Jesus. We haven't rejected the Bible. We reject how so-called "spiritual authorities" have misapplied the Bible to build up their own influence, power and wealth.

We are however coming out and voicing our discontent, and not letting people shame up with misapplied verses to get us to shut up. The internet has given formerly marginalized people a voice, and we are using it. The exodus I speak of is an exodus out of silence. In some cases it is also an exodus out of organized religion. It raises even more questions for me.

The apostle John wrote "we proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you may also have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ...if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." (I John 1:3.7) Surely he was not referring to the superficial Sunday morning gathering most American churches call "worship". It has to mean more than that, something real, heartfelt, and yes metaphysical.

Maybe it means you and I meeting over the internet and making the effort to come together in real life and pray for one another. Maybe it means having communion like Jesus first shared it- around the dinner table with friends- remembering how Jesus died for all of us and secured the new covenant in his blood for the remission of our sins! A joyful thing, not a solemn religious ceremony; a meeting of people you know and want to spend time; not a public event controlled by a grave man who does not personally know you and passed out by other dour-faced suit-wearing middle aged strangers.

Anyhoo, I have to go hang out with my daughter now. I leave you with musings and questions, and I have no plan to come back later and give you any "answers". Enjoy the mysteries. SS

"Servant Leader"?

2010-11-18T07:13:00.000-08:00

I love the writing of the Apostle John. His gospel, his letters, even his vision on the Isle of Patmos (though admittedly not nearly as straight-forward practical as his other works) all speak to my heart so profoundly.

This week I am reading again in the gospel of John, the Passover discourse with the disciples that begins in chapter thirteen and concludes at the beginning of chapter eighteen. The first verse of the discourse:

It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love (John 13:1, Thompson Chain Reference Bible, New International Version, 1983).

Wow, get ready for what happens next. Jesus is about to show the full extent of His love! This is the big reveal. The next thing Jesus does will be all about love, His love for us. This is so important because He will soon command his disciples to do the same for each other.

If you are a Christian, you know the scenario about to unfold. Jesus, the guest of honor, is about to take off his "outer garment" (take off his jacket, roll up his sleeves, so to speak), wrap a towel around his waster and start doing the house slave's job. He is going to wash everyone's feet.

Now before I go further, I must admit that I haven't studied ancient Roman household codes, so when I say that washing feet was the house slave's job, I am repeating what I have heard from the pulpit many times. I am assuming that is true, as I have heard it repeatedly. That is not always a wise practice ( 0.0 ) but I think no harm is done here. In the passage, the disciple Peter acts truly shocked that Jesus would do such a thing, and resists letting Jesus debase himself to touch Peter's filthy funky feet.

I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them (John 13:15-17).

Jesus, the Christ, the Son of the Living God, has just shown in living color than no job is beneath Him. He is willing to serve in any way that is needful to the ones He loves. He conveys to his disciples that now there is no task too humble for them, because they can't possibly believe that they are above Jesus. The messenger cannot honestly consider himself of higher status than the Master who sent him out. That would be inconceivable.

I remember being fascinated as a little girl with the state of my sandal clad feet at the end of a summer day. It was amazing how white was the skin covered by leather straps in comparison to the filthy darkness of the exposed parts of my feet. The crevices and wrinkles would be near black, the rest the color of coffee stains. I also remember being amazed at the amount of dirt left in the bottom of the tub after washing my feet. Oklahoma is a dirty state, and didn't even miss the half cup or so of dirt that clung to my little girl feet on any given summer day.

Our feet these days are safely encased in socks and shoes, so while they may be a bit smelly come evening they are not filthy. They are well protected from the elements by our clothing. Our pathways are no longer dirt. If we are walking outside at all, it will be on concrete sidewalks and paved parking lots. That is the farthest many of us walk outside most days, from the building to the car or vice versa.

I am not sure of any job in our household that would be the equivalent to foot washing in an arid climate before modern transportation. In that culture, one would have walked all day on dusty roads, stepping around (hopefully) any animal droppings lying around, while wearing sandals. A country child's feet may still get that dirty, but it is the exception not the rule.

There are no slaves anymore. If we accept that the most distasteful tasks are the ones we hire out when we can afford it, then housecleaning and the care of young children are at the top of the list. I think it no coincidence that in patriarchal families that is considered woman's work. Notice I do not write "in Christian families" because patriarchal homes are hardly Christian. Patriarchy is a world-wide phenomenon and has been around since the fall of man, long before Jesus wrapped a towel around his waist that fateful evening.

What would be the social equivalent of a slave's task these days? Coming over as a guest, grabbing a pair of gloves, paper towels, toilet brush and cleanser and cleaning the bathrooms? Taking out the garbage? Changing a baby's diaper? Rinsing the soiled diapers well before placing them in the washing machine and renewing the bleach water in the diaper pail?

Whatever task you choose, it would have to be one in which the host would be tempted to jump up and say, "No! Never!" in shock, like Simon Peter said to Jesus (v. 8). We can't get what Jesus was really telling us if we don't relate to Simon Peter. There is a reason his response is highlighted in scripture. It relates to all of us.

There you have my musings from my time in the Word this morning. Whether anyone reading here gets anything from it, it is speaking volumes to me. The picture of true humility is being a servant to all. And not a servant-leader either, but a true servant. Jesus didn't serve by calling the slave to come in and wash the disciples' feet. He made sure it got done by doing it Himself. There was no display of any kind of authority or taking charge of things. He did what needed to be done.

And then he specifically commanded us, don't think you are above me. Do as I have done. No excuses (vs. 12-17). No job is beneath you. You are not in charge of anything but your own choices. Jesus is the Teacher and the Lord (vs. 13) and he is the One giving commands here and His command is humble yourself and serve.

Go and do likewise. Indeed. I think I better get busy.

Eternally Secure in the Love of God

2010-11-15T04:42:00.000-08:00

For this reason, I argue, we can be assured that God has an eternally prepared response to every possible free choice that agents might make throughout history, which is why I contend that the open view of the future offers as much providential assurance as does Molinism. Whatever comes to pass, God has been preparing for it from all eternity, as though it had to take place. ~Greg Boyd

The above quote is taken from here.

Rest easy, beloved.

Jesus is with you.

*He will never leave you nor forsake you. *He will never cast you out. *He is with you always, even to the very end of this age (eon, generation, decade, ordeal- all of it! =)*He loves you with an everlasting love. *Tell him your troubles, because He really cares for you. *He will work things together for the highest good of all who love Him in the end. Jesus is smart like that, *able to do more than we can possibly imagine.

I commend you to the loving heart of God, SS

*for those who love references, plus the above phrases into Bible Gateway. Start with NIV, and if you can't find it, try KJV. I memorized a ton of scripture in KJV as a new Christian. If that doesn't work try Amplified**. I refrain from posting references today in response to Bible thumpers everywhere. Smacking people with references doesn't make the Word of God more true, and it certainly doesn't make your personal interpretations any more valid. Less thumping, more truth. Peace out, SS

**Edited to add: NASV as well. I wasn't picking my fave translations, just the ones in which I was most likely to have memorized these verses. Let's not forget The Message and the NLT while I am adding translations. Peace, SS

And the Answer Is....

2010-11-13T08:53:00.000-08:00

Healing is a journey, but my husband is a trust-worthy traveler on that path.

I am just so...what word am I looking for? Happy. Satisfied. Content. Serene.

Let's go with serene, in honor of the Serenity Prayer. It's stupefying to me, the easy way I handled this last little relapse. Really, I amaze myself. It has got to be the EMDR, because that's the only thing that has really changed in my life since we began the process of recovery.

I have changed. I was not distraught, ruined, devastated by his rejection and his insults. I am not saying I was unaffected, but I was not knocked breathless. I am not saying I didn't want him to repent and work to restore the good vibes we had been previously sharing, but I was not in agony waiting for it to happen. I was not desperately pleading for him to " fix it NOW" as if the agony of being rejected by him was more than I could bear.

Part of my resolve has no doubt come from Kantor's book. Reading the description of how passive aggressives interact with their victims was like watching secret footage of my marriage over the years. The book called the psychological tortures my husband put me through abuse, which it was. It also showed me how I fell into the sado-masochistic cycle that perpetuated the abuse.

Kantor underscored the truth I already learned from various self-help books and support groups through the years. I can't change my husband. The only one I can change is myself. Pleading with him to change not only didn't help, it egged him on. Ditto attempts at calm rational discourse and yelling angrily. I tried it all, and I knew none of it worked. But that didn't end my compulsive need to get him to stop rejecting me. Even though I knew no good would come of it, I still felt driven to come to closure, to keep engaging him until he repent of being cruel and show me love and acceptance instead. I could not seem to stop myself.

This time it was easy. It has to be the EMDR. I can't think of any other explanation.

This EMDR stuff is now on my list of must-haves. Any daughter of an NPD out there still in pain? Zip your search engine over to this link and look for a competent therapist as fast as you can. I looked for the highest level of training in my local area and started there. You have nothing to lose except years of anguished relationships and some money you were going to spend anyway on something. Why not spend it on healing your heart? You deserve it. n_n

He has changed too. Joel and Kathy Davisson's Marriage Intensive got the ball rolling. Like Skills twenty-six week program kept it moving in the right direction. And EMDR is helping him keep that ball rolling in the right direction on a daily basis. I am so proud of him and how quickly he recovered himself from the pit in which he fell most recently.

I don't know how much, if any, my lack of tormented response had to do with his quick recovery this past incident. It may have only affected me, or it may have been helpful to him as well. Don't know and don't really care, LOL. It sure made me happy! =D

And in general, he is much happier than he has been in years! In addition to the EMDR, let me remind my readers that he is also taking anti-depressants. That in itself is a huge break from his family dysfunction, which says that physical need is a weakness that good (Christians? or just members of his particular family?) people don't experience. He left a broken leg untreated once for almost twenty-four hours to "see if it will get better" because of the shame he feels about receiving medical treatment. (Oh, his family system is so mean! Yet very Christian "nice" on the outside. God save us from their fate.) So humbling himself to take anti-depressants was huge.

I am really happy today, and satisfied with our relationship. So many insights, people and therapies have come together to help us have the relationship we both always wanted, but just couldn't reach. We are, as Joel and Kathy Davission like to say, "living it and loving it". I almost hate to type that out, afraid I will jinx it.

I also want to strongly emphasize to any battered women (emotionally, spiritually or otherwise) that the only reason this marriage is healing is because we ditched the whole traditional "man rule, wife submit" false teaching of the church. We embraced the "husband source of life" and "wife ezer- ally and friend" interpretation instead.

My husband took responsibility for both the state of our marriage and his own mental health. That will never, ever happen with an NPD partner by the way. If you suspect NPD, do whatever you can to get out of the relationship with as little damage as possible. I can't stress that strongly enough.

But for the PAPD, there is hope. They can learn to identify and express emotions safely, with therapy. That would include treatment for domestic violence as well as trauma therapy. Supportive aids like anti-depressants can make this process easier, as there is good reason these people have been suppressing their emotions. They are usually wounded very deeply, and very angry about that at their core,

So, to all my friends, thank you for your prayers and support through this healing time. To readers going through hell in their marriages, I hope my experience benefits you in some way. And to home school parents reading here who are being marketed to by the "man rule, wife submit" crowd, take warning. It's a simplistic and sinful twist to scriptures written in foreign languages and then translated into English a thousand years later. Go back to the source, dig deep and don't be led into bondage by the home school industry big wigs. They have plenty of money already, they don't need yours.

Peace and good will, SS

I Guess He Can't Be Trusted After All?

2010-11-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well, faithful readers, here we go again. My last post about my husband behaving, ah shall we say, boorishly, was September 21, in the post titled "I Can Take Up For Myself".

Tonight is almost surreal. For weeks now my husband has been a great partner. I have credited the antidepressants and the EMDR therapy for giving me back the man I married. This afternoon when he came home for lunch we went on a walk together. It was so romantic. He stopped to brush back my hair and kiss me tenderly at one point.

So wonderful.

This evening after work he held me close on the couch and promised me that he wanted to dedicate his life to cherishing me. I was surprised, but in a good way. It sounded like those Christian wedding vows all over again.

Then, he went upstairs to watch soccer, but first he offered to share a glass of wine with me. I declined, but drank Vitamin water and snuggled up next to him talking while he drank one. Then I had to go pick up our son from Tae Kwan Do.

When I got back, my daughter was just walking in the door. Dad greeted her, and already then she noticed alcohol on his breath. I didn't really notice he was still drinking, because he was upstairs watching soccer. I was watching sitcoms downstairs.

Well, my daughter watched one of her favorite shows with me and then went back to campus. After a good while, my husband came down and sat abruptly on the couch. He was acting a bit off, but I hadn't figured it out yet. It wasn't until I scooted over next to him and he groped me that I started getting annoyed. And then, his breath hit my face.

Ugh. I hate the smell of a drunk. It is definitely something he knows. He rarely drinks, which I appreciate. But when he does start drinking regularly, he just drinks more and more every day until it gets noticeable. He has promised, on more than one occasion, not to have more than two drinks at a time, so that I can feel safe. He agreed to this in therapy. He broke his word tonight.

That's classic PAPD of course. He has to find a way to provoke me to anger so he can let off all his repressed negative emotion. The more patient and kind the people around him, the harder he has to work to provoke them. I hate this personality disorder. >:[

Of course I let my annoyance be known. I didn't yell at him, but it doesn't really matter if I raise my voice or not. Those of you familiar with misogyny know that all a woman has to do is express disapproval or displeasure with a man in that frame of mind and she's a bitch.

And so it goes. Not only am I a bitch, it's probably that time of the month too, he tells me. He "apologizes" by saying that he's sorry I'm so easily offended. Sigh. When I ask him why he is breaking his promises and undoing all that we have accomplished so far, he retorts "why are YOU undoing everything".

And so. He is sleeping in the guest bedroom. He has been such a jerk tonight, walking away from all the love he has built these past weeks, tearing down the reputation for integrity he was rebuilding.

The good news. I am not crying. I am still smiling. I am unhappy with him, of course, and unhappy that he has betrayed me again. But I am not distraught. This makes me very proud.

My son is still up, all six foot two inches of him. I am not at all afraid that my husband will even think of trying to physically intimidate me anymore. I don't hide what's going on from the kids like I used to do.

I already texted my daughter and she is willing to come home if I need her. My son has told me that he's sorry his dad is relapsing (his words not mine) and that means the world to me. I know the only person in this household responsible for this ugly turn of events is my husband. Even more cool, I know the only person in this household who would blame me for this turn of events is my husband.

I am making progress. I can't believe I used to let him make me feel like the crazy one. I can't believe I used to cover for him, keeping all the conflict behind closed doors, crying and praying in private. I can't believe I used to be so full of turmoil when he would pull a little mind-screw head game like he is tonight.

I am happy. I think I'll check on him once more, see if he's sobered up, and if not, it is off to bed alone. Sure, it sucks that he lied to me again, causing me to hope only to disappoint me in hopes of a fireworks show. But the therapy is helping. And so, we will see what tomorrow brings.

Peace and good will, SS

Home School in My House This Week

2010-11-10T05:45:00.000-08:00

I was texting a young acquaintance last night, and she wanted to know what my son was studying. So, I sent her the following list:

Biology
World History
British Literature
SAT Test Prep
martial arts

She was impressed, but I'm not sure why. That list seems to be a pretty normal high school schedule to me. Do public school students not think the home schooled students study too? *shrugs*

Anyway, I thought I would give credit where credit is due. My son does most of the work. He is the one who makes home schooling work, not me. I assign readings, quiz him on what he's read, ask him if he's finished his vocabulary words/chapter outline/end of chapter questions, and proctor his tests. Pretty much, his education is between him and the (secular) textbook publisher.

I do actually "teach" British Literature. I do this because a) I love literature and b) my son does not love literature. Knowing that he loves people and also that reading British Literature out loud increases comprehension, I opened our study of Brit Lit to other home schooled teens. This is working out well for all concerned, as far as I can tell. My son has the added pressure of wanting to not look stupid in front of his peers, and I have the wonderful joy of truly interested students (also his peers) to keep me motivated to teach. I love it!

Also I will here confess that his World History tests are open book. However he must answer questions thoroughly and use complete sentences. In other words, he can't answer a question like, "What events led up to the War of 1812?" with a cop-out answer like, "The British were sore losers." At the very least, cite the text, come on. I don't feel bad about having open book tests, because I know he's learning. Tests are to gauge how well you as a teacher are getting through to your students, and figure out who needs extra help. I can figure out those things with an open book test just as well in this home setting.

Now, biology, since he wants to do something in the medical field, is a no-slack course. But then, he understands the importance of knowing how life works, so he has no objections to stricter testing protocols in biology.

And some days, like Mondays when he has speech club, we only get one subject done. This is the very first semester in my fourteen years of home schooling that the Prime Subject was not math. It's biology. I occasionally have little bouts of panic that we are not doing math everyday, but he is slated to take Pre-Calculus at community college next semester. Since he has already tested into that class, I let him out of taking it here at home. But I still worry about it sometimes.

Also, I gotta confess, Test Prep is freaking me out. We spent all the late elementary/early middle school years doing Wordly Wise workbooks, and completed three different SAT vocabulary cartoon books in middle school and early high school, and he apparently does still not understand a lot of the words he previously "learned". Yikes! Do I blame that on my teaching, or video games?

I vote "video games". Yeah, right.

The martial arts I do nothing to teach. I only give rides and write checks. He has added kick-boxing to the Tae Kwan Do, which I think is cool. If he passes his Spanish CLEP in April, I might buy him Rosetta Stone Korean for next year. (After four years of Spanish, he missed CLEPing out by five points!! So frustrating!)

So there you have it. I better go get him up and get started. Peace and good will to all who read here, SS

Acceptable to God

2010-11-07T05:17:00.000-08:00

There was a time in my Christian life when I was dead sure that I was a fundamentalist. No one ever really defined that term to me in a theological way, and so I accepted it when I was told I was a fundamentalist.

I knew God's Word to be truth. What I meant, was that God spoke to me through the Bible in highly personal, directly applicable ways that were profoundly meaningful to me. I meant that I believed as true that the Person of Jesus literally came to redeem mankind in the flesh, fully God and fully man. I accepted this (and still do!) along with the truth that He conquered death and (in today's youth parlance =) re-animated here on this planet, walking around in His own resurrected body, the same one that had been crucified earlier. This body apparently had some dimensional qualities we lack, in that he could instantly appear in a room and vanish at will. But he still ate food, as proof that this body was real flesh and blood, not merely spirit.

If someone asked me, "Do you believe in a literal Adam and Eve?" I would have said yes. If someone asked me, "Do you believe God created the world in six days?" I would have said, "I don't know. He could have if he wanted to." If you asked me, "Was Jonah really swallowed by a big fish?" I would have said, "Why not?".

But the real truth is, I did not have permission in my mind to even consider there questions. I was told repeatedly from the pulpit that fundamentalists were the only "real" Christians, and I believed it. I was told that to accept any part of the Bible as anything less than historical and scientific fact would mean I could not accept the coming of Jesus, his death and resurrection and therefore my own reconciliation with God would fail. And I accepted that assumption as an absolute truth.

It's not.

While I accepted that, that all those other Christians around the world and here in my country were not really "saved", I just shrugged off these questions. How does scientific reality fit with the explanation in Genesis? Don't even go there. Too scary. I could wind up an atheist!

Now this assumption makes me laugh, as there is no way on earth I could ever become an atheist. I KNOW the Lord Jesus Christ! He is my Good Shepherd, the friend who sticks closer than a brother, the closest and dearest Love of my life. There is no substitution for experience, friends. From my earliest days, God has been wooing my heart with His loving-kindness and I am fully, completely His.

But for others, for those who internalized this idea, that "to accept any part of the Bible as anything less than historical and scientific fact would mean I could not accept the coming of Jesus, his death and resurrection and therefore my own reconciliation with God would fail", it has proven spiritually deadly. Some who truly believed this idea have found real evidence that the words in the Bible (a book meant to lead us to a living relationship with the Living God)are not historically and scientifically accurate.

Since they were not taught that the Bible is primarily concerned with man's relationship with God, they cannot accept it as fulfilling that purpose. By their religious instruction it must be historically and scientifically accurate or all a lie. Then they discover the physical evidence of reality points to an old earth/universe. And so, they decide the whole book is a fraud, a series of obsolete stories.

Well, guess what I am discovering? Fundamentalists were wrong! The rest of the church really DOES have a living relationship with Jesus! So-called "liberals" are not on their way to hell in a hand basket! Smart, educated people who believe in evolution also love the Lord! *gasp*

This is a beautiful thing God has done, is it not? Faith in the Risen Lord is not dashed to bits by an old earth. Faith in God's great love for us demonstrated in the death and resurrection of Christ can even survive in the heart and mind of a person who believes in evolution! Wow. God is much bigger than the fundies would have me believe. 0.0

A friend recently posted this little video on the internet. Like all analogies it is meant to highlight one particular truth, not serve as a definitive explanation for all metaphysical reality. It is accurately titled in this blog the Cupboard Analogy.

Fundamentalists will hate it, of course, because at the end it seems to imply that even other cultures and religions might have a relationship with God. This insistence that what a person believes, rather than what Christ has done, is what really saves a person has always been confusing to me. Apparently I am not the only person to have these thoughts.

But aside from that issue, it is a great analogy for how the rest of the body of Christ differs from fundamentalists and yet are still very much Christians. It is also unfortunately an accurate representation of their intolerance for other Christians who integrate their faith and this world in non-fundamentalist approved ways. =(

Here is an essay by one such brother in Christ. This author does not fit the fundamentalist mold, and yet his faith in Jesus is obvious. I was told this was impossible by fundamentalist preachers. *big grin* I guess all things are possible for God after all! (I read that in the Word of God too.)

Human Evolution in Theological Context.

Power and Control Wheel

2010-11-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

Power and Control Wheel from Paul Hegstrom's Like Skills web site.

If you are very unhappy in your marriage because of the way your Christian spouse is treating you, please check out this wheel. Many of us hesitate to call abuse what it really is because it has not yet escalated to physical violence. Abuse starts our far more subtly than that, and escalates over time. Please check out the resources at the Life Skills web site, as well as any other resource you can find, if your partner treats you like even ONE spoke of this wheel outlines.

Bad marriage relationships can be healed in some cases, but not without treatment. Start getting the help and support you need to find healing or move on. Jesus loves you more than life itself! He certainly loves you as a person more than the institution of marriage and/or the reputation of the church.

Peace, SS (to_shadowspring@yahoo.com)

The Why of the Shed Blood of Christ

2010-11-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

Faithful Christian brother Steve McVey weighs in on the reasons Jesus shed His blood on the cross for us.

Live loved, my fellow Christ followers!

Darcy's Declaration.

2010-11-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

Here.

On second thought, I am a rebel. I rebel against the idea that life can fit into a neat formula. I rebel against the teaching that says I am only acceptable if I perform correctly. I rebel against the thought that I, as a woman, cannot have a voice except through the men in my life. I rebel against anybody and everybody who invokes the Name of my Savior to control me. I rebel against the "christianity" that is promoted by posts like the above, and propped up by people who resort to name-calling and attacking a girl who they don't even know, whose heart they cannot even understand. I stand with a growing army of rebels, whose cry is "Give us Jesus! Give us the pure gospel!" No apologies. Just grace and truth.

Amen!

No Room at the Inn....

2010-11-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

One of the attributes I like best about God is His good will. We never read of Jesus telling anyone to go away. Jesus never rebukes anyone for asking Him questions, not even those with spurious motives. The apostles James writes that God will generously give wisdom to all who ask. (James 1:5) He helps us out later in chapter three by pointing out that godly wisdom will produce very different emotions in our hearts versus "earthly, unspiritual, denomic" wisdom which springs from selfish ambition and envy.

Wisdom from God will produce minds that are "peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere". Who doesn't want that? Who doesn't want to hang out with people who exhibit this kind of fruit? Who doesn't want to be that kind of person?

In church yesterday, our pastor wisely admitted that he doesn't have all the answers to all the questions about the Christian faith and life. He came right out and asked for a show of hands for everyone who had ever been dissatisfied with the teaching of a church before. Everyone lifted a hand. He asked if anyone was ever dissatisfied with teaching at our church. No one raised a hand, out of love for our pastor and congregation, but he laughed out loud and told us it was okay to admit it. (A friend of mine pushed my hand up in the air at this point! ;-)

He went on to tell us that really, it was OKAY. Unity of the Spirit doesn't mean complete agreement on every issue of faith and doctrine. Unity of the Spirit comes when we love God and let him love people through us. Unity of the Spirit is NOT the same as agreeing to share the same doctrinal ideas and parroting the same party line about (insert issue here).

I really needed to be reminded that Jesus has made me accepted in the beloved, because sometimes there are other "beloved" who make it pretty plain to me that they are not very happy about me. I am so grateful to have found a place where there is truly room for as many as the Lord our God shall call. We do not have to agree on anything beyond Jesus and the gospel of grace.

Questions are not only welcomed but encouraged, both publicly (it's a small church, so people are invited to speak up during church, when our pastor sees they are bursting to talk) and privately. He might even have a few questions for you now and then. But like the Savior himself, pastor starts with a presumption of good will. People respond with the same determination to "accept one another" in spite of disagreeing with each other on things that are important to us as individuals. (Romans 14:1-5)

I love this so much about my little church, because it is so rare. I can't tell you how many times I have been pushed out and excluded for asking questions people are uncomfortable with and/or for which they don't have good answers. Lots of times I have experienced the unsettling reality that there is no room at the inn for people who think and question. Ostracization is the fall back for not being able to answer questions, usually with some name-calling and finger-pointing to get the process started.

Mostly the name-calling/finger-pointing is behind the scenes, as challenging anyone openly leaves the challenger at risk for their true intentions being exposed. I have had emergency meetings called to exclude me from home school circles. I have endured contemporary American versions of mini-inquisitions called merely to let me know I am hated by my fellow disciples. Blogs have shut down in the hopes of making sure my questions don't infect other Christians. We can't have people thinking too deeply now, can we?

Last night I saw that the same thing I have experienced so many times is happening to other Christians I love and respect. A sweet, gentle, tender-hearted and compassionate woman of God is accused of being "antinomian". This is a scurrilous charge brought up often to discredit people who rely on and emphasize the grace of God. It's true meaning is akin to hedonism or anarchy, and anyone who has even a passing acquaintance with this woman's writing knows that nothing could be farther from the truth. Her caution about crossing the line into sin, her constant checking of herself lest she also be tempted (Galatians 6:1) is admirable and evident to all. The attacks on her character and theology are just more wicked envy bearing fruit in her agressors' hearts.

Similarly, theologian Gregory A. Boyd has a blog post up today. A fellow believer he has debated many times has taken to outright lying about what Greg believes and proposes as truth, because it's the only way to discredit the man. Mr. Boyd appears to be amused by this, but I am not amused. It's an ugly reality in Christendom that breaks my heart and would turn me completely away from Christianity if it weren't for the reality of Jesus. Selfish ambition is a prime motivation of many ministries. Lying, name calling, misrepresenting others in unflattering ways- for way too many Christians this is the way to build their own little kingdoms on earth.

I have full confidence in the power of the Holy Spirit to see my fellow believers safely through this life and into the next. But I am not naive enough to think it will be easy. Hate hurts. It hurts no less when the hater signs off with "Love in Christ".

The theologian I have every confidence will weather this new attack on his ideas. He seemed amused even, that a person he had known for so long and debated so often could still misrepresent his position. I don't find it so funny, because I don't believe it is accidental or merely fuzzy-headed. I have overcome more than one knife wound to the back from a Christian brother and sister, so I find it hard to buy the innocent mistake theory.

I fear more for the author of tender heart. As a devout and sincere believer, I think she underestimates the depth of the hatred and selfish ambition in the hearts of so many so-called "ministers" of the faith. Her book directly threatens other folks market base. That is where the rubber meets the road for the people who find not only their self-worth in "ministry" but also their future worldly needs provided by "ministry". The malice and fear in their hearts can not be overestimated.

As for me? Nothing can shake me from my faith in Jesus. I have experienced His grace and love. It is an objective reality. Being excluded and reviled by other Christians has absolutely no bearing on the reality of Jesus. It does make it harder to put into practice the command of Jesus to love my fellow disciples. But believing in the incarnation of Christ in me, the hope of glory, I am trusting in Jesus to bring that perfect love to pass in me in the fullness of times.

In the meantime, I am content to hang out here in the stable with Mary and the shepherds. In the meantime, I am content to go outside the camp with Jesus (Hebrews 13:13) and chill with Him. While here, I will remember to pray for others who are being excluded that they too will enjoy the presence of the Living God and relax in His bountiful grace. Sharing in his sufferings, we also share in his glory. In the end, it's all good. =)