Dear Fil

(Warning: strong language ahead.)

Dear Fil,

Please don't call here anymore. Every time you call, you set off a shitstorm of abuse in my household.  Once it even ended in a suicide gesture.  The worst part of that incident was that it involved criminal activity that endangered other people.  Yes, the missionary kid got blinding, puking drunk chugging Four Loco and malt liquor in the Wal-Mart parking lot and drove home.  He could've killed not only himself, but other innocent people.  This last phone call had him driving 25 miles over the speed limit in poor weather conditions, angry at all those people who were "in his way".

What did you do to this man's heart as he grew that has filled him with so much self-loathing and rage?  And why does driving seem to factor into the fallout?  You, Mr. Missionary Preacher Man, are a wicked, heartless, cold-blooded reptile.  You are completely self-centered.  You don't give a shit about your children's hearts, only how they make you look to your cult peers.  You don't even ask any important questions, ever, and when people try to talk about things like feelings, you change the subject.  You are a braggart, and the only value your children and grandchildren have for you is for bragging rights.  Fuck you.  You have contributed nothing  but harm to your family; your legacy is broken men who abuse their wives and children, religious addicts mired in depression and who seek release in bullying others. You are the lowest of the low.  And you suck up undeserved respect from your career choice and the children you intimidated into never questioning you or your cult.

In a perfect world, you would be having some kind of end-of-life fearless moral inventory.  In a perfect world, you would be seeking to truly know and truly care for the hearts of your children and grandchildren.  Hell, if you were even human some of that might be happening.  Non-religious people live this way all the time, without any prompting from moral tomes.  Here you claim to follow Jesus the Christ, a man who promoted love, sincere love, as the highest way any man can choose to live, and you have one of the most cold, lifeless hearts I have ever known.

But, it's not a perfect world. You won't ever change.  You are a self-centered, self-involved religious bigot and all you care about is gaining religious hit points to increase your stats with your fellow fundy cult members.  Shame on you.

What makes me the angriest is how *I* catch the heat for your abuse after you call.  My husband doesn't even try to talk to you about anything important anymore, though he has in the past.  It's too painful to come face to face with the reality that your parents don't love you.  So, he plays along with your little games.  Talk about the weather, talk about nothing, and then you issue your demand for him to show up and pay homage to you in person, opening that "invitation" with a remark of how older brother has just fulfilled HIS obligation, so when are you going to get with the program?

He stuffs all his feelings when you call. He becomes numb.  He says the phone call went well, and then changes the subject. The only difference in his demeanor right away is that he is a bit more distant.  Over the next few days he becomes less and less affectionate, a little more irritable. He starts to spend more time watching sports and disappearing into computer games.  When someone calls him on bad behavior, he will apologize, but not with the affection and sincere regard for the other's feelings that had characterized him in more recent weeks. In short, he becomes his "old self".

He disappears back into PAPD, needing to cause a conflict in order to discharge all of his anger, and ultimately, give reason to the overwhelming shame he feels because of your indifference to his heart.  The conflict has to arise from someone's response to his silence or inaction, so he can tell himself he didn't start it, it's the other person's fault.

That other person is always me.  That's because you, Fil, by your overt and covert teaching, raised my husband to hate women.  You raised him to view them as empty-headed and emotional, with emotional being a bad thing rather than a part of the healthy human condition.  When he is in this, his reptile brain, he becomes you, Fil.  He treats me with the same contempt and resentment that he saw (and I have seen) you treat his mother.  This time it took over twenty-four hours for him to come back to reality.

Right now I am not in danger when he gets like this, but only because my son is here to protect me.  My son goes away to college in a year.  If my husband isn't free of the bomb in the brain that you planted, that you set off every time you call, then I will have to leave him.  I will be forced to leave him for my own safety, because he won't stop taking your calls.  And you won't stop calling.

And fuck you for that.   Fuck you because you never call because you care for anyone but yourself.  You call because you have no heart friends, and the wife is in long term care now.  You can't even abuse her openly anymore.  It won't have the same affect when you tell her that her contribution to the conversation is "the stupidest thing you ever heard", because she has Alzheimer's now.   I wonder who you DO abuse now to try to feel better than everyone else?  People at church?

I think old abusive people are the saddest people on earth.  But don't come looking for pity here.  You won't find any from me. I wish my husband could tell you the truth about how you've hurt him, even though you wouldn't care and/or would deny responsibility.  I wish he was strong enough to cut you off completely from his life.  But he's not, not now, and he may never be.

And then your abuse just keeps on hurting him, because I will have to leave him if there's no hope he'll ever be completely safe for me to stay his wife.  That will really really suck if you get to cut him off from the only person in this world who has ever truly loved him or cared for his heart.  At least the children we raised together will always care for him, unlike your children who only come around you when the guilt you lay on them gets too much to bear.

Please don't call here anymore.  Just don't.  Oh, and get some help for your religious addiction before you die.  It would do so much good on the earth if you would.

It's a Personal Thing

In case anyone wonders why this flurry of blog activity, it's because I am between semesters at school.  So, I have the actual time to devote to writing about the things that I think about, rather than the topics I am assigned for a class.  I am still a perfectionist when it comes to school, or as I prefer to call myself, "one who pursues excellence".  By this, I mean I study like a mad man when school is in session, wanting no less than to thoroughly master any subject I am taking.  It pisses other people off sometimes, and makes others think I am an insufferable know-it-all, but learning brings me joy.  So, sucks to be them.  I am going for it with all I've got, no matter what the class is about.  There is no such thing as a throw-away class, imo.  Like a race horse was born to run, I was apparently born to learn.

I wish I had been raised in a family where I was valued and supported.  I would no doubt have been able to choose a challenging career (medical engineering technology would have been fascinating) or have my Ph. D. and be teaching in a college somewhere. But, life did not unfold for me with such a charmed and happy beginning, so I am where I am.  I look back with happiness, not regret, for the way I handled the circumstances and adversity I encountered in life.  I am pleased with who I am, what I have chosen, and also with my current GPA and career prospects.  So, yay for me, right?

I am also able to write so prolifically about other things because my marriage relationship is not giving me trouble right now.  It is crazy how many times things have been up and down in my marriage. Or rather, it is crazy how my spouse would go from loving and supportive to distant and withdrawn to hateful and cruel.  It is part and parcel of growing up a child of addicts, for that is what his parents are: religious addicts.

Imagine growing up the child of addicts, only instead of the world offering you pity and compassion for your plight, they praised your parents for their addiction and told you how lucky you were to have addicts for parents!  It's quite the mind-fuck.  The emotional abuse, mental confusion, and effed up thinking that creates in a child is something few people can overcome.

My spouse is an amazing person.  He is smart as a whip.  He scored a perfect score in math on his SATs and said he kept waiting to get to the "hard" sections he was warned about when he realized he had finished all the questions.  Those of you who have taken or helped someone study for the SATs knows that a perfect score shows more than mastery of the subject, it shows a keen attention to detail and above average critical thinking skills.  Without all that going for him, I think real change for my husband would not be possible.

Then there is also the level of abuse.  My husband was emotionally, physically and spiritually abused and neglected.  The religious addiction always came first; the needs of children were definitely lower on the hierarchy of parental concerns than feeding the religious addiction.  His boarding school experiences were a nightmare of rejection, bullying and neglect.  BUT others had it way worse, and their boarding school experiences included savage beatings, sexual molestation, rape and in some cases, violent gang rape.  I am actually trembling as I type this out, knowing the horrific abuse children suffered at the hands of "ministers of the gospel" who were assigned to the staff of the "missionary kid abandonment centers" known as missionary boarding schools.  Visit www.mksafety.net and www.fandaeagles.com  for books and other resources, including forums with the opportunity to talk to survivors online and find out how those who were sent to these schools have fared.

Still, though my husband didn't suffer as much as other people have suffered, he suffered plenty.  It warped his emotional coping mechanisms and turned him into an emotionally abusive person.  He was cursed with passive-aggressive personality disorder, which he developed as a coping mechanism for dealing with the anger and pain he was forced to experience but not allowed to express.  So, as recently as last month he was still acting out towards me in ways that required the use of our DAPP (domestic abuse prevention program- i.e., "time-outs").

Well, I am closing in on the last step of my five-year plan, and I am just done dealing with the unpredictable and irrational.  I decided that while calling DAPPs were a necessary step in the healing process for our relationship, it is not something I can live with the rest of my life.  So, in calm quiet times after the storm, I created a new requirement for living with me.  If it's bad enough to call another DAPP, then we will move into separate bedrooms for a minimum of three months.  We have the space, so we can do that.  Also I want him to know I'm not angry, I'm just unwilling to live off-balance and unable to fully relax and enjoy life, so that's the next step.  He understands and accepts that.

And, now, finally, he is working in EMDR as diligently as I have been doing all this time!  He seriously wants to work through all these issues himself now.  So, good for him.  For far too long he has resisted getting into the most painful memories, the root of the "shame spirals" that drag him into depression and hate.  Since he is seriously digging them out now, I think there is great hope for a happy life (even a happy married life) in his future.

Unfortunately, the way his inner MK was raised, dragging his feet in doing what's right was the only thing that ever gave him any sense of control over his own life.  He had no choice about what he would do, and if he flat out refused to do what he was told he would have been beaten and shamed.  Dragging his feet to the last possible second is a personality trait he developed to cope with his forced captivity.  I accept this about him, but I am not going to let it affect me anymore.

And he accepts that about me!  We are actually pretty happy now.  At night, we have been reading Jim Palmer's books, and he really identifies with the author.  Currently, we're reading "The Evangelical Universalist", but I'm ordering Palmer's "Wide Open Spaces" as soon as I finish this post.  He doesn't go to church anywhere (maybe won't ever again- it's fine with me!) while I go on Communion Sunday to a local UCC church with a wonderfully wise woman pastor.

So, that's the personal update.  I have finished EMDR, and I have more peace and happiness on an ongoing basis than I knew I could experience.  My walk with Jesus is very fulfilling.  I do a bit of yoga most mornings and evenings, and go to a yoga studio once or twice a week.  I read Trinity and Humanity's blog, John Shore's blog and Steve McVey's blog to see what Jesus is up to in the lives of others.

I pray daily as I have done for years.  I pray for much better things: the inclusion of the outcast in the body of Christ and for legal protection for all US citizens, the defeat of the religious right, the dismantling of the apostate Christian politco-business empire, the pre-eminence of Christ in the hearts of the church, the salvation and reconciliation of all people.  I pray for friendship, life satisfaction, challenge and accomplishment, love and acceptance for my family, healing for the sick and provision for us all.

Peace to all who read here, SS

Marriage Help for Christian Wives?

Recently it came to my attention that  I have a distant relative who is currently dealing with an abusive marriage.  With the hard turn toward the extreme patriarchal right that the evangelical church has taken recently, I am surprised that only *one* distant relative is dealing with this issue.  The doctrine of wifely submission creates an abusive scenario, even when husbands are determined to be loving partners.  See this blog post: Poison for my Marriage for my thoughts on that subject.

I was wondering where I would suggest this relative turn for help.  The ministry I once lauded, Joel and Kathy Davisson's Marriage Intensive has backed down off of their groundbreaking focus that abusive husbands are much more common in the Christian world than anyone dare mention out loud, and that emotional abuse unchecked never goes away or gets better on its own.  The have replaced the Life Skills movie (see next paragraph) with the propaganda piece Fireproof, just another "get saved and all your problems are solved" story that offers no help at all for the biggest problem-born again Christian men who are emotionally, verbally, economically, and in some cases physically abusive.

Joel Davisson was actually set straight himself by Paul Hegstrom of  Life Skills International.  I guess I would first recommend that a person in an abusive marriage order the video Unforgiveable from Life Skills International.  Unforgiveable is a made for television movie chronicling the story of how Paul Hegstrom came to finally admit he was an abusive man, and it tells the beginning of the story of the long (seven years long) process of healing and recovery it took to win back his wife Judy's hand in marriage again.  What is missing from the movie that is most significant, in my opinion, is that Paul Hegstrom was a Christian.  In fact, he was a preacher before taking up the position as car salesman that is portrayed in the movie.

Getting "saved" can't possibly change a man who is already "saved" before he gets married, and subsequently begins abusing his wife in any of the myriad ways a husband can abuse a wife.  Nope, he needs all kinds of help, starting most importantly with recognizing that he is an abuser of women.  I used to recommend Joel and Kathy's seminar as a great place to get that process started (people coming out of denial tend to retreat back into denial any chance they get, so it's a process!), because they were very adamant about holding the husband responsible when I was there in 2008.  I just don't know if this is true anymore.

Coming out of denial is an imperative first step, but it is only the first step.  The next  step is of course getting an abuser the help he needs to change.  Counselors can be good, but they can also become mere enablers.  I would never trust a "Christian" counselor to offer any real help in a marriage with an abusive husband.  The doctrine known as "complementarianism" or "wifely submission" is used by abusive men as justification for their feelings of entitlement that allow them to belittle their wives inwardly.  These inner thoughts about the wife as inferior, incompetent, unrealistic, a lesser being in the eyes of God, etc. occur first, and later are manifested through words (or silence) or behaviors that are intended to wound the wife- either emotionally or sometimes actually physically.  So most "Christian" counseling will be worthless.  Suffering in silence, submitting and merely relying on prayer to turn the situation around is useless at best, deadly in a worst case scenario.

I contacted Life Skills by email, and they were able to put me in touch with local help for my husband.  I was lucky enough to live in a large city with help nearby.  Most of the United States does not have Life Skills workshops going on nearby.  If you or someone you know needs help, get in touch with Life Skills.  If there is nothing close, pay the money to go to Colorado for whatever help they can offer.  It is imperative that the counselor you seek help from be well-trained in dealing with domestic abuse.  If they counselor is looking for a 50-50 split of responsibility for the marriage problems, stop going.  Such counsel will make the problem worse, as the abusive spouse will use it to excuse their behavior.

While my husband was completing this twenty-some odd group learning experience sponsored by Life Skills at a local church, I was reading everything I could get my hands on.  I purchased an expensive but very helpful book, /Passive-Aggression: A Guide for Therapist, Patient and Victim.  This helped me to understand how I was willingly being a part of the sado-masochistic emotional turmoil my husband was instigating at times.  I began to look for my own therapist.  I put it off for so long, because I knew that if I started my own personal counseling, I might conclude that the best choice for me was to leave the marriage.  When I was finally okay with that possibility, I was ready to start my own therapy.

I looked into EMDR (at www.emdr.org ) to help me deal with the PTSD caused by my husband's aggression.  That therapist (rightly) ascertained that my husband also probably had PTSD from his parents' abandoning him for their careers when he was so young, as well as from their authoritarian parenting style and avoidant (non-)communication style.  We started out seeing the same therapist, but that didn't work out.  So, he got custody of the original therapist, and I found another.

It's been two years now.  I will see my therapist for the last regular visit next week.  He will likely continue in therapy longer, as he still has more traumatic events to deprogram.  We both have left fundagelical thinking behind and are opening our hearts and lives to healthier, more authentic Christianity.  He doesn't got to church anymore; I'm still looking for one.  We have decided to love our children as they are, even though they are not living in all aspects the ideals who strenuously taught them when they were younger.  They love God and they love people.  I am proud of  them, and happy to have them in my life.

My opinions on so many things have not changed, and yet my allegiances certainly have changed.  On this journey to health and wholeness, I have learned so many things.  A woman who allows herself to be mistreated WILL be mistreated, but a women who demands RESPECT will be respected.  Marriage doesn't supercede any command of Christ.  The apostle Paul may have lived at a crucial time in history and written a lot of letters to the early church which they treasured enough to preserve, but he is not infallible and he is not the Son of God.  That honor belongs to Jesus alone.

I have a friend who suffers from a passive-aggressive abusive husband.  She relied entirely on Joel and Kathy's teachings, which failed her.  She was unwilling to seek secular counseling, or even to understand that her husband's arrested development could not be overcome by sheer will power.  She refused to start on the path to independence; refused to turn her back on the doctrines that have created a largely dysfunctional family dynamic; refused to understand that while she is not responsible for her husband's abuse, she IS responsible for allowing herself to remain vulnerable to his abuse.  She is in the middle of a divorce she initiated (but only as a manipulative measure which back-fired), her children have all been forced to take sides, she has no way to provide for herself but government assistance and reliance on her abusive husband. It's pretty easy to see that this will not turn out well for her, at least it is plain to everyone BUT her.

The main difference between our stories is that I sought counseling from all kinds of sources till I found what actually worked for us.  I did not buy in to religious ideology as the key to a successful marriage.  I was willing to admit that after twenty years of following the religious advice devotedly, it was a bust. I was also more than willing to leave my husband if he found himself unable or unwilling to live the life of love I believe marriage should encompass.  I also accepted responsibility for the reality that I had *let* things get this bad by my "submission", so it wasn't all my husband's fault.  I recognized that my own PTSD issues were making healing the marriage difficult, so I got my own help for that too.  All the while, I never stopped insisting that I loved my husband, wanted the best for us both, and was willing to give him time (five years in fact) to get it together.  We are now in the fourth year, and things are steadily improving.

That's our journey, but I don't know how to help a young couple  steeped in fundamentalism to get out of the abuse trap, other than to recommend a visit to Life Skills International's web site. Does anyone else know of any truly useful resources for Christian marriages affected by abuse?

EMDR and moving on with life

We just got back from a family vacation.  It was so nice to have both of my children and my husband with me, enjoying the relaxing days and nights.  It was also something of a milestone.

Two years ago on vacation, my husband was  not the man he is today.  He was (had been) an abusive bully for many years, but I was just waking up to it.  I was only beginning to read  Passive-Aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient and the Victim and visit web sites about domestic abuse, putting it all together.  For years I had been accommodating my husband's behavior (I am such a forgiving person) and putting it all behind me, only to have new painful letdowns occur every few weeks.  Since he had only been physically violent once, I was still unsure that what I was experiencing was abuse.  In fact, this blog is the story of my awakening to that fact, and how I have chosen to respond in light of this knowledge.

Two years ago, he engaged in behavior that was unmistakably, straight off of the checklist, abusive behavior. When I was terrified, confused, and shrinking against the wall, crying and praying, he snuck up next to me and snarled a loud "BOO!" in my ear.

I had my answer. No question about it: this is clearly intentional emotional abuse.  Who DOES that to someone they love?!

Now two years later, I have good news.  My husband lived a life of love and self-control on our vacation.  Any request I made, he happily complied.  Any time I was concerned about anything, he listened and adapted.  We actually had a very good time together, all the time, the whole week.  And now that he's home?

Still good.

What are the factors to his healing/improvement?

Well, I am more independent in every way.  I am well on my way to achieving my career goals.  I was accepted into the school to which I applied (I was told only 15 are accepted out of 500 applicants).  I am maintaining a high GPA.  I am in therapy, on the final stages of EMDR and soon to be done with that.  I think this determination to take care of myself, and not be dependent on my husband for anything is key.  I don't need him emotionally.  If I go to talk to him and he is aloof, I just stop what I'm saying, get my inner bearings straight, and walk away without a word.  Sometimes he apologizes and chases me down, wanting to know what I was going to say.  The thing is, it doesn't hurt me anymore.  I really don't care if he wants to be there for me or  not.  I am well capable of hashing out my thoughts on my own, or with a friend. I don't NEED him to be there for me.  Oddly enough, this inspires him to be there for me.  Weird, huh?

He is in trauma therapy and on anti-depressants.  He is getting healthier, and while it may have all started out as a mere attempt to save the marriage, now it is to save himself.  This makes both of us very happy.  He has stopped jumping when his parents call, and we don't go to church anymore.  I think these last two are milestones in his healing at this point.  When he sees his parents next, it will be on his terms.  When he goes to church again, if he ever does, it will be because he wants to, not because he should or as proof he is a good person.

Every night we read together.  Right now we are reading Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer.  He plays golf, something he does for himself.  I study, something I do for myself.  I also do yoga now, which I love.  I started out with Brooke Boon's Holy Yoga and am exploring the discipline from there.

Some things are sadder.  No one in my family goes to church now.  So much for the home school promise of daily devotions turning out model church-going Christians.  Lolz.  As far as the Christian part goes, though, everyone in my family has a genuine faith and a personal relationship with Jesus.  We are just each and all so burned by organized American Christianity that we are not in church right now.  Prove everything, hold fast to that which is good.  =D

I wish I had a fellowship of believers to take communion with, and to spur one another on to love and good works.  If it's out there, though, the Holy Spirit will have to lead me to it as I live my everyday life.  Visiting churches is such a bummer so much of the time.  So, we'll just see where it all goes from here.

I like where we all are now.  I love my daughter.  I love my son.  I love my husband AND it even looks like he might be fit to live with, not just for the time being, but for some time to come.

This makes me very happy.  Namaste, ya'll! (Loosely translated: the light in me honors the light in you- a yoga version of the song we used to sing in Charismatic church while holding hands and looking into each other's eyes:  "Yes I love you with the love of the Lord, yes I love you with the love of the Lord, I can see in you the glory of my King, and I love you with the love of the Lord."

Peace and good will,
SS

Shame is My Enemy in More Ways Than One

I am wary rather than hopeful today. Cynical even.  Ugh.

Last night when I got home, my husband told me he had made a mistake that cost us money.  Not drained the retirement fund or anything that bad, but he made a hotel reservation for an upcoming special occasion for last week instead of next week.  His card had been charged as a no-show.  Big whoop, right?  People make mistakes.  It happens.  Move on.

As he told me this, he was not a grown man standing in front of me expressing frustration over a snafu.  He was a little boy in posture, fearing punishment.  He stood with shoulders slumped and head hanging down, his body shriveled into as small a space as he could make while standing up straighter than usual (missionary kid thing?) and twisting a tiny piece of paper in his hands compulsively.  He looked like maybe a six year old?

I don't remember all the details, but I pointed out the posture and the self-recrimination in his voice and told him it was unnecessary, that people make mistakes.  I told him if you want to challenge the charge, don't do it like this, repeating how you contributed to the snafu over and over; merely point out that the reset on their web page changed the date on you and you didn't catch it this time.  Ask for a credit. And if they don't give it to you, oh well.  People make mistakes that cost money all the time. It's part of the human condition.

At first he got offended, and told me that I wasn't "helping".  I would have none of it.  I plainly replied something along the lines that I didn't see how telling him to lose the shame and stand up for himself or let it go was hurting him in any way.  He agreed, but still his body trembled like I was going to spank him or something. He went upstairs to think and hopefully change his mind-set.

When I went up almost forty-five minutes later, he was crying.  When I asked him what was wrong, it took a long time for him to be able to stop crying long enough to tell me.  Here's what he was doing TO HIMSELF!

He said that he was crying because this hotel reservation for our anniversary, and we were a couple barely surviving (WTF?  Seriously?  After all the effort, love, forgiveness and good will I put into this relationship you dare to say it is "barely surviving"?  How insulting to me!  Where is this coming from?) and it is all his fault.

That is such bull.  He is crying because HE IS DEPRESSED.  He is shaming himself because that's what he does when he's depressed.  Our relationship has nothing to do with it.  And if the past continues to repeat itself, a shift is coming.  A shift from shaming himself to ascribing all that shame and recrimination as coming from ME!  I see where this is going.

Three options for me: puke because that is just a disgusting display of self-pity; storm out self-righteously because according to him all the love I have to give is apparently quite measly, or do the "Christian" thing and comfort him, tell him it's not true, etc.  I chose a mix of all three.

I did comfort him, but I was also angry.  I told him that anniversaries aren't celebrations of accomplishments, they are celebrations of people!  The point was to celebrate his wife and shower her with love, not to congratulate himself on what a fine husband ( or berate himself for what a lousy husband) HE is!  Just like the drunken binge on Thanksgiving, this is coming out of nowhere.  There is no reason for him to start assuming  that divorce is imminent.  It's all in his fricking head, but guess what?

This is getting really, really old.  If he is never going to shake this depression no matter how long he is in therapy, I am not going to stay in the marriage.  If his hobby is going to be berating himself and then projecting that onto me, I am not going to stay in this marriage.

I don't understand why he is not making any progress!  He's been in therapy for two years!  He should be BETTER.  I am getting stronger every day.

I don't understand why he still doesn't pray about this problems (He was indignant when I asked him if he prayed about it. Why would God care about that? he retorted.  This pissed me off too, because he said it in such a way as to belittle those of us who believe  GOD DOES CARE ABOUT US!) or why he doesn't recognize these thoughts as damaging, evil lies that should be replaced with the truth- God does love him!  Jesus delivered him from all shame and now presents him holy and blameless!  You can cast all your cares on God because He cares for you! It's like even though we are both Christians, we have two completely different dieties and doctrinal beliefs.

Or lose the religion completely and at least replace it with logic: People make mistakes.  It's part of being human.  It's no big deal.  He could ask himself "WHY do I hate myself so much over a little mistake?" and start fixing the real problem.  That's what other adults do all the time.

Seriously, I am tired of being this guy's rock and getting nothing back.  All the emotional support is one-way around here, and then I still get blamed for his depression!  You got that, didn't you reader, that his telling himself that he's such a horrible husband that I am going to leave him.  The real reason for his shame and depression has nothing to do with me or our marriage.

I am fed up with the bullcrap.

I don't know what to do, but every single time he pulls this self-pity crap about how awful our relationship is, he pushes me one step closer to the door.  I don't want to be part of an  endless cycle of self-hatred and abuse.  If he won't step out of that cycle, then I will step out of that door.

It's really ironic.  I didn't have divorce on my mind at all.  I was looking forward to the weekend.  Now I'm thinking he could be on to something.  Maybe I am being Pollyanna again, when clearly he is not getting any better.  It just sucks. He could have it all if only he wasn't stuck in such a mentally unhealthy place.  Ugh.

ps After he came back downstairs, he opened his laptop and for all intents and purposes ceased to exist in this plane.  I was getting grief from my son over making him redo his homework, and my son started acting physically intimidating and threatening, just like his dad.  His dad didn't even notice.  He just kept on playing Sudoku online, or minesweeper, or solitaire, whatever it was last night.  Ugh.  I do all the parenting, ALONE, even when he's right there.  I am so not okay with this.

Progress Report

For my regular reader's info:

There are still posts that I keep hidden, meaning that there are still times when my husband reverts back to his former ways of thinking about me and about life.  This blog, including the posts that stay hidden, is really valuable to me in helping me evaluate the real pace of progress in healing our sucky home school marriage.  Things are improving, but a lot more slowly than I had initially hoped.  Still, there are real world reasons for this.

One: The first ministry that got us headed in the right direction, Joel and Kathy Davisson's Marriage Intensive, was both a blessing and a hindrance.  They opened up our minds (both mine and my husband's) to the truth that  the problems in our marriage were my husband's problems,  and that they were rightly called abuse.  They also tear down Biblically the false doctrine that a woman's submission is the key to solving all marriage problems, which I greatly appreciate. They team taught and were openly loving to each other, showing how a healthy marriage plays out in real life.  They hindered our path to healing by teaching that my husband could just change through will power and being accountable to their ministry financially and by on-going participation in their forums and group telephone counseling.  While that may indeed be all some people need to reform, my husband needs to both heal and reform.  Will power alone can not accomplish this.  I would say that while they are great diagnosticians, and are plainly right about some things that don't work, their solution is simplistic and ineffective in most abusive marriages, ours included.  The Davisson's add three pluses in the "improving" column for their diagnostics and example, but two minuses there as well for setting unrealistic expectations and offering an  ultimately unsatisfactory remediation plan.

Two:  Thankfully, the Davission's rightly credited Paul Hegstrom's Life Skills program for helping abusive spouses (and their co-dependent victims) understand the wrong thinking that leads to abuse and helps provide clear tools for breaking out of the stronghold of ingrained bad thinking.  We were lucky enough to have a 20 week Life Skills program offered within an hour of our home, and my husband completed the course.  When he  is actively in what I will now refer to as a "reptile brain state", returning to his Life Skills material is a marriage-saver.  It was at Life Skills that the concept of a cool down separation (or 'time out' to use a sports analogy) agreement called a Domestic Abuse Prevention Plan was proposed to us.  This DAPP has proven its worth repeatedly,  and is only useless when my husband doesn't stick to it.  Alas, that happens.  But score one plus in the "improving" column for Life Skills.

Three:  Cindy Kunsman and all of her very,  very important blog posts about PTSD add  at least two pluses in the "improving" column.  Thank you, Cindy!  You opened my eyes to the reality that my husband's issues had way more  to do with the abuse he himself had suffered as a child than I would have guessed.  Even your latest post about freezing was precious to me.  Do you know how many times I have seen my husband freeze up in  times of crisis?  Kudos to you.  You are a blessing.  Thanks to your research and the courage to post the results publicly, I was/am able to reset my expectations for my husband's recovery to a more reasonable level.  I now expect progress to be slow and take years.  I now accept  that he may be on anti-depressants the rest of his life and struggle emotionally for years to come.  As long as he continues in therapy and does not go back to blaming me for his unhappiness, I will stand by him.  Unfortunately, he still slips back into misogyny when his depression worsens.  Forays into "blame the wife" are of shorter duration than they were two years ago, but they still happen. For our marriage to last, he will have to abandon that course of thinking entirely.  Due to your input (and others as well) dear Ms. Kunsman, I rightly expect that to take years to totally retrain his brain, and like an alcoholic may continue to be tempted to drink in times of stress, my husband may continue to be tempted to turn his unhappiness on me.  As long as he admits and resists the temptation, I  am good to stay married.  I have a lot of compassion for him, but I am no one's scapegoat anymore.

Four: Fanda Eagles and MKSafety.net both helped me to understand what my husband went through as a child, and what he still continues to wrestle with.  I honestly thought missionary kid was the pedigree for spiritual prowess!  I did not understand what really happens to a child's heart when he is summarily dumped at boarding school in the name of God, or the horrible pedagogy behind the way these boarding schools are run.  Like Cindy's work, these forums have helped me come to grips with the great depth  of my husband's problems (pain) and  more accurately assess  a timeline for healing that is in line with real possibility.  I also found much support from people on these forums, and for that I am very, very grateful.  Two pluses, one for education and the other for moral support.

Five:  Antidepressants and EMDR therapy each put two pluses in the "improving" column.  Without either of these my husband would not be healing.  Add another  plus for my being in therapy,  and another couple of pluses for those who comment on my blog.  Your support and encouragement to me are tremendously helpful.

Six: Unfortunately, my husband's family of origin's addiction to fundamentalist religion and all the bad decisions and poor parenting that resulted add an unknown but prolific number of minuses to the "improving" column.  Will the pluses adding up ultimately be enough to overcome the damage done?  I am thinking that the answer to that question is a qualified "yes".  "Yes" because I have the support and strength to put the length of time into recovery that such a deep wounding in my husband's heart will require.  "Yes" because he is willing to face the truth about himself and his family and his need for medication and therapy.  However, if he were to stop taking medications too early (may be he'll need them the rest of his life) or quit therapy too early, then the "yes" could revert to "no".  But for now, it looks like a "yes".

I thought a progress report was in order.  Much thanks to all who put a plus in the "improving" column.

Peace and good will, SS

Great Link about PTSD/EMDR and past abuse

Post Traumatic Stress: what it is (biology), what makes it worse and what helps it heal.

HUGE shout out of thanks to Cindy Kunsman for posting this!  Girlfriend, you are doing so much good in the world.   You teach us so much about our brains and why we experience so much pain from spiritual and emotional abuse.  I can't thank you enough for your web site.  You have blessed more people than you will ever know.  Stay strong sister, and know you are very dearly loved!

Who would to that?

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night ( I think it was the tea I drank at bedtime. Maybe it had caffeine? It was Lipton Natural. Or maybe it's just the stress of school?) Once I did get to sleep, I woke at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. At 2:41 I moved to the couch so my tossing and turning wouldn't wake my husband.

At 6:30 when my husband gets up, he finds me on the couch and kisses me and wakes me up. I tell him I am on the couch because of my insomnia, and I didn't want to wake him. All well and good.

Then, for what can only be described as self-centered, possibly PAPD returning, he WAKES ME UP AGAIN AN HOUR LATER! To tell me he loves me?

Gee, if he loves me wouldn't he want me to keep sleeping?

Oh, damn it, I hope this isn't just building up to another ugly scenario. He does not get, apparently, how little I want to live like this. He does not have anymore credits to burn on PAPD behavior. They are all used up. It took twenty-five years, but they are all gone now.

Grrrr.

Not again,. Damn it to heck, to heck I say, to heck.

Hubby was an ass again yesterday. >=[ THAT hasn't happened in a while. As you can tell by my icon, I was/am not happy about it.

Also, therapy is dredging up a lot of things I would not rather deal with. I hope they will all eventually be resolved and life will go on better than ever. However remembering what it was like to be a teen myself is very unsettling.

Alternately I am depressed and hopeless, cynical and hard, and angry. I hate being in no-win situations, and I lived in one growing up in my family of origin. As much as I usually avoid them when I recognize them, unfortunately with therapy right now it is looking like I am possibly contributing to the creation of them.

Also the fear is familiar and disgusting. I have actually been panicked about smallish issues as if they were the end of the world should I have a less than perfectly spotless performance.

Not true. God makes a way when there is no way. I know in my heart there is no such thing (other than physical things- I can't live above the laws of physics) that can't be fixed. I need to just chill.

I need a chill pill. Oh yes, do I wish it was that easy: take one pill and all your fear would disappear. Not gonna happen. *sigh*

More later, I gotta go.

Of a Personal Nature

Just wanted to let everyone know what I am up to these days. =D

I am taking three classes this fall, including Physics (with Trig even!). This makes me very happy. I had not learned any trig or geometry until I learned it to teach to my home school students. I am thrilled that I am able to keep up in this class. I am working hard to earn another A, at least that's my goal. The other two classes, Intercultural Communications and Medical Terminology II are subjects that fascinate me. I am looking forward to knocking them out of the park.

I finished up the CNA course work and clinical trials. I take the state exam on September 29th, for all who pray for me. I would appreciate your prayers. Normally the test is supposed to take place within two weeks of the end of course work, but due to a scheduling error I am taking it over a month later. I need to remember every detail to pass the test. I plan to review like all get out, but prayers on my behalf will no doubt help too. :)

Other than the above, I will have met all the requirements to apply for the 21-month course of training I need to pursue the career I want. I am competing with hundreds of other applicants for a mere fifteen spots. I am giving it my all. The application deadline is January 31st, and I will know the middle of February if I make it.

I am still in EMDR therapy and I still highly recommend it. Nuff said there.

My husband is still in therapy and on anti-depressants. While he has struggled with bouts of worsened depression since we visited his parents at the end of July, it has been nowhere near as bad for me as life got last March. The worst was two weeks ago, which I published on this blog and then removed again. I put it back up just now. I am happy to say that he fully admitted his fault and admitted that what was really going on was a worsening of his depression since visiting his folks again. Things did not continue to build up after that admission. Merely coming out of denial was a benefit, and while he still struggles with feelings of shame and abandonment, he isn't blaming me. Progress.

My daughter is a senior in college this year, and next year the Air Force will spirit her away. I plan to make the very most of the time left with her so close.

My son is back from the Caribbean. His secular mission trip renewed his interest in becoming a doctor. He is applying for scholarships and colleges now. He does have one gap in his education that needs filled: I can not get the kid to write a killer essay. I was able to teach my daughter, and I can write a quality paper myself. But I just can't get the kid out of the middle of the pack on this one. Pray that we will find a solution soon, as he is a senior in high school. (Personally, I blame facebook, twitter, reddit, etc. for teaching his brain to think in short, incomplete thoughts. *sigh*)

So, there you have it. Thank you for sticking with me, dear readers. Your support means so much to me.

How Things Are Going These Days...

Things are gong pretty well these days. Big thanks to Sandra for sharing with me a link to a book awhile back about doing EMDR at home. That has been really helpful.

So, my husband and I went to see his parents the weekend before last. I was expecting trouble afterwards, because clearly his parents are the source of much of his childhood trauma and seeing them is a huge trigger. The last time we had trouble serious enough to ask him to leave the house for awhile, we had been to see his folks three weeks earlier. The tension had been building over those three weeks, and when everything came to a head I was not surprised.

This time, things are slightly different. We are both in EMDR counseling, but now we are seeing different counselors. Also I am much farther down the road to full financial self-sufficiency. Finally, we have this sweet book that Sandra recommended.

The visit was much better than any previous visit, as my husband was able to talk freely with me about his feelings. This is a huge improvement. In the past, denial and a desire to defend his parents (imho indefensible) actions would pop out of nowhere on these trips. The day before, he would express his own disillusionment with his folks, but once he laid eyes on them, he would make excuses for them and get rather irritated at me for expressing any disapproval of them in any way.

My therapist talked to me about how children feel this responsibility to protect their parents, and this then became a topic of conversation between us before we left on the trip. In this case, forewarned was indeed forearmed. He did not revert to protecting his parents from criticism.

My carpal is acting up or this would be a long post about the actual visit. That will have to wait. Not only does typing hurt my hand, but I have to go back to school in a few minutes. This post will be limited to the after-effects of the visit.

The night after we left, things were going very well when out of nowhere, my husband's attitude toward me changed. This led to me confronting the change, and quickly discovering he was "in his reptile brain". Not good. I offered to do some home EMDR with him and he agreed. Five minutes later he was again his normal self, and very appreciative for the help.

I think it was three or four days later, he got ugly again. I decided to just leave the house and go study at Starbucks. When I got home, he was admitting he was very sad and depressed. We again did some home EMDR. Sunday it happened again, and again a short session of EMDR returned him to a normal mental state.

I don't do childhood issues with him when I do EMDR. He visualizes gathering up all the yuck and locking it away in a vault labelled "nothing comes out except for my healing" and then visualizes a relaxing, happy place. His regular therapist can actually deal with the ycuk itself.

So, things are working out for me pretty well. Except that I just now wondered if I missed my own appointment today? Hmmmm. I'm sure someone will let me know. That would be an expensive brain glitch so I hope I didn't.

Anyway, gots to go. Peace and good will to all who read here, SS

Fundamentalists Dysfunction

This is a short post, and rushed, with no time to edit, like yesterdays post. Muddle through as best you can, online friends. :)

I start clinicals next week for the CNA class I am currently taking, AND two eight hour shifts shadowing a medical sonography technician. Wish me well.

I am of two minds concerning "the cycle of abuse" referenced in discussions about domestic violence/abuse. Yes, it's real, on that I agree. What exactly is happening is a matter of debate.

My opinion based on my experience, is that post-traumatic stress disorder is the true cause, and unresolved traumas are not going away on their own. There is no way someone can determine to not react to a stressor when they have unresolved traumas in their psyche that are affecting their thinking and therefore their behavior.

So, when there are no stressors, the (for lack of a better term) abusive partner is happy, loving, supportive, all in all a regular person with a regular capacity for gratitude, joy, affection, etc. But let a stressor occur, and that person is triggered back into the age/thought life he was at the time of the initial trauma. Some people live in this state almost all the time. Very sad.

Others muddle through as best they can, avoiding traumas when they can. Once these wounded people start therapy, there is at first resistance and denial. It's hard to accept that one's thinking is disordered, especially when shame is part of the traumas one has suffered. It is survival instinct to blame others and project negative emotions you don't think good people should feel onto others.

So, I was counting down the days and weeks from the last abusive incident at our house, hoping for a new record. I think we are going to make it, though things are hinky right now as my husband's fundamentalist family just dropped by yesterday for a visit.

Still, even though my husband slipped back into PAPD patterns and projected both his families dysfunction and his anger about it on to me twice in the past 24 hrs, each time he acted on his DAPP on his own, and came out acknowledging that HE was not in a good place mentally. No groveling apologies (which may or not be sincere)-yay! No denial- yay! But an honest apprisal of the situation, and appropriate apologies offered realistically where needed.

This is awesome! I am pleased.

Now for the rant about his fundamentalist dysfunctional family system: OMG!

One of the accusations he makes when he is "in a bad place" is that I don't care what he thinks or how he feels. While this is not true of me, it is SPOT ON about his family of origin. Yesterday it was on full display, when my husband questioned the doctrine of eternal damnation.
(For the few who know me IRL, check out his facebook discussion about Osama bin Laden for a sample! Feel free to show him some support. =)

Immediately he was shut down and shut out. Without giving any consideration to my husband's actual words, my former missionary brother-in-law went into full fundamentalist apologetic shutdown mode. He argued against whatever meaning he wanted to ascribe to the words my husband used. He called him irresponsible and dangerous, comparing my husband's question to encouraging children to run with scissors. And though my husband started out asking questions, not one question was directed to him.

He is right. No one care what he thinks. No one cares how he feels. Fundamentalism will tell you what to think and what you're allowed to feel. Any hint that you might be considering life outside those lines is immediately shamed. You are not a friend asking questions; by asking questions you have become DANGEROUS and you must be SHUT DOWN!

I had to leave the house it pissed me off so much. I walked across the street to my neighbors and she asked, "what are you up to?" to which I replied, "Avoiding WW III, doing my part for world peace."

I watched my husband's family drive away without saying goodbye.

I am so angry. They don't love my husband. They don't know my husband and they aren't interested in knowing my husband. They do not care for his heart. They only care that he assent to their beliefs and that's ALL.

Of course he's "not in a good place". He is coming out of denial and facing really ugly hard truths about who cares for him and who doesn't. He is facing head on the reality that his family has never had unconditional love for anyone. No wonder they get so angry at the notion that God is not hatefully ostracizing and torturing their enemies for all eternity. That really is the core of their beliefs.

Wow. I thought they knew Jesus, who says "him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out" and the One who will reconcile "ALL THINGS to himself". They are the big brother in the parable of the Prodigal, and boy will they be pissed if it turns out God really is going to reconcile all people to Himself.

They WANT people to burn in hell for all eternity, and for nothing more than being born in the wrong place at the wrong time. They WANT a god who is weak, who fails at redemption, only able to save a few, as long as they are in that elite. They WANT a god that is two-faced; they don't want Jesus. They want fundamentalism.

Big. Difference.

Don't Want To Jinx It

Not too long ago I made a post entitled "No News is Good News". So yes, dear readers, the fact that posts these days are few and far between is mostly good news.

But I have an internal time goal, and if that goal is met without a noteworthy scary incident, I will give a full accounting of all these non-posted days/weeks. =D

I started EMDR again with a new therapist. My educations is progressing satisfactorily (all As so far). My daughter and I talk almost every day. My son and I definitely talk every day (haha) as he is still home schooling, about to finish his junior year.

My husband and I are doing well, hence the "no news". He is still in EMDR, and it seems to be working very well. He is happy at work. He watches Joel and Kathy on DVD a couple times a week. He works out after work at least three days a week.

Father's Day came and went with no problems. My son, husband and I had a great day together. We went to lunch and then shopping for a Father's Day gift for my husband. We did not show up at my father-in-law's house as he originally ordered. (However we scheduled for a visit next month. This could trigger trouble. I am taking a "wait and see" approach.)

So, there's a little taste of what no news means around here these days. Peace and good will to all, SS

Spring Break

So I have been sleeping in every day this week so far. It's been sweet.

My term paper is written, so yeah. I just need to let it sit and stew in it's own juices for a bit, have my editor give it a read, go back once more and see if I still like it, and turn it in.

When school returns, I have two more Module Tests and three Finals, plus a couple of smallish papers to write. Wish me well. With the program I am applying for, there is a huge point differential between an A and a B,and the applicants with the highest points get in. So, I really do need the A over the B if possible. With both PreCalc and MedLegal my A is in the bag, but I still am too close to the line in HumanAnatPhys to be relaxed about it. So, those of you who pray for me, keep praying.

I got my titers back for my vaccinations, and my doctor says I'm good. All I need to do now is take all my papers in to sign up for the CNA classes this summer. It's looking good so far. Thanks for all your support, cyberfriends. It means the world to me.

I don't yet have a new EMDR therapist, but I am on someone's waiting list. I think I would rather just wait it out for this person to be available than take someone my former practitioner recommended. I am still considering writing to the state licensing board for clinical social workers about my experience. I do have the contemporaneous record of my blog to keep the dates more or less straight. On the other hand, I am a very busy person with a lot of my plate, and it is not even close to the top of the prioritized list of things I need to accomplish.

I am still torn between hope and realism, as far as my marriage is concerned. So many people are urging me to leave,immediately if not sooner, but I do not feel that sense of urgency. I also doubt myself, if I am making the right decision to move slowly but steadily toward independence, giving my husband time to heal to the point we can live a life of love together, or, if that doesn't happen, being thoughtful, proactive and reliable for myself. I think on occasion of women who have been seriously hurt by PTSD husbands. I know they must have felt safe enough too, or they wouldn't have remained in the relationship that long. Surely a part of them thought that their husband would never cross the line to heinous violence/murder, or they would have left before then. So I do sometimes wonder if I am only kidding myself, but I also trust that God will keep me safe.

The thought of doing anything hastily really bugs me. I don't want to be pushed into action by circumstances or the behavior of others. I have been married twenty-three years. For many of them, the only difference between now and then is that I have woken up to the truth that it's not my fault my husband behaves/thinks the way he does. I now know I have absolutely no control over the man's inner life, and in fact have rarely been aware of what that really is. I *thought* I knew who he was, because of the assumptions I made. Now I know that I truly am not the issue here, and that all the good will in the world on my part guarantees nothing. Sobering, but at least the playing field is now level. It was so confusing for so many years.

I *thought* that we meant the same things by the same words, especially what it means to follow Jesus. I have discovered that was never true. Fundamentalism sounds good, but they do not mean the same things by the same words I understand the Bible to be saying. They have hidden meanings and unspoken rules that negate the actual commands of Christ and turn them into something different. For example, "love one another as I have loved you" turns out to not be so loving.

First of all, the fundamentalist Jesus burns most people who have ever lived in hell for all eternity- not very loving,eh? My experience of the gospel is that it was the good news that God has removed all barriers between God and man, that He freely forgives and wants to lavish His kindness on us through Christ Jesus. "Just as I Am" and "Amazing Grace" actually meant something good to me.

The MKs experience of the gospel is that God will burn the Indians in hell forever if your parents don't lay down their lives to translate the Bible for them. This is serious business! So serious, little child, that your need for parental love and attention pales in comparison. Small child, you may need love, but if your parents give you the love and attention you need, those Indians will burn in hell forever! Forever, young child! You don't want the Indians to burn in hell FOREVER, do you? DO you?!?! How could you be so selfish?! Shame, shame, shame on you young child. ps God loves you. Your parents love you. Now be a good boy and go away and keep your needs quiet or GOD WILL BURN THESE INDIANS IN HELL FOREVER AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!

Another huge difference between my faith vocabulary and fundamentalist faith vocabulary is what Jesus meant by the commandment to love one another. For me, that means both to feel (compassion, kindness, pity, remorse, longing for security/healing/kindness to come to your brother) and to act in ways that bring good (comfort, provision, healing, understanding) to others. It is both a feeling and an action that is directed toward wanting/accomplishing good for others.

Fundamentalism dismisses such notions as silly sentimentality. In the letter of John the apostle (this proof text only works if you take the verse completely out of context, which they do!) the Bible says that we know we love the brethren when we obey the commands of God. So a fundamentalist never need feel compassion, or long for relief or comfort for another, because they attend church regularly, memorize Bible verses, believe the right doctrines and don't smoke, cuss, drink or dance. That's how they can KNOW they love the brethren. They obey what they believe to be the commands of God, so they never need experience (i.e. "feel" equals bad to fundamentalists) emotions that resemble what the rest of the world calls compassion or love for another. They can rest assured that even without ever feeling anything resembling that for other humans or ever acting in ways that relieve the pain and suffering of others, they do "love the brethren" because they are obedient fundamentalists.

Ugh.

I hope you can see why my frustration with my husband is tempered by my compassion for the lies with which he was raised. I will lay out both arguments so that you can see what goes on in my head, and why I am willing to stay until my education is completed and I am self-sufficient. It both gives him time to heal, and keeps my from denying my own value system (i.e. love my neighbor as myself).

Common experience says abusive men rarely change. This is undeniably true.

On the other hand, my husband has taken a lot of actions others husband's never take. He attended a 26 week Life Skills course and went to the Davison's Marriage Intensive. He is in therapy, which is something his family would NEVER condone. And he is on anti-depressants, another huge defiance of the family rules which say medications are for the weak, and are mostly unnecessary.

But back to common experience, this work has been going on for two years and he still allows himself days/weeks of reverting to the old resentments and hatreds. This should not be.

Again on the other hand, he is actually doing more on his own lately that is in keeping with the Life Skills/Davisson's advice. He is watching the Davisson's videos at lunch. I printed off a checklist from this site and he knows I read it everyday. He says he reads it every day. He says he meditates on positive statements about me while he walks on the treadmill most days after work. I have seen the paper. He is reading Rob Bells' book Love Wins- the most non-fundie book of all time, full of questions about the character and words of Christ, rather than an answer book interpreting everything for you so you don't have to think, fundie-style.

Common experience says all this is just forestalling the inevitable. The man's psyche is truly warped by his fundamentalist upbringing, and I don't know if it's possible for him to change enough to be fully alive to love in this lifetime, much less in two years. When he wants to be healed, he really wants to be healed. I do believe that much is true. He just doesn't always want to be healed.

The psychological land mines his family's religion have placed within his soul are SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS. All other abused, neglected hurt children can turn to Jesus for healing, but MKs? They were taught that Jesus decreed their neglect! He grew up believing that the emotional and physical distance his parents kept from him WAS love! He grew up ignored and that was explained to him as the very definition of LOVE. As a young child at boarding school, being bullied at worst/ignored at best by house parents and other missionary kids was NORMAL. Any attempts to get his needs met were shamed as selfish, unforgiving, or rebellious.

How is there hope for this man to learn to live loved?

And yet, with God all things are possible. Jesus has done so much for me that other people believe impossible. And so I keep praying and asking God to give my husband a revelation of who He really is! A vision, or a revelatory dream, or something that will break through all the religious lies and reveal the loving, gracious heart of God.

And that is how I have decided to keep working toward financial independence and not just leave now. I am asking the God of all hope to deliver my husband's soul from the religious darkness that obscures his vision of who Jesus really is. I am giving the gift of time to my husband, hoping against hope he will grab onto Jesus and plunge headlong into grace.

If that's even possible. All the words have been tainted by fundamentalist lies, so that grace means "ability to keep the law" instead of extravagant love. Forgiveness means "keep your resentments well hidden" because talking about a grievance is "unforgiveness" to my husband's fundamenatalist family. So according to their fundamentalist upside down religion, the person wronged has the responsibility to suck it up or be accused of the heinous sin of unforgiveness. They ignore Leviticus 19: 17-18 and Jesus command to rebuke our brother who offends us. In avoiding all appearance of evil (which fundamentalist treat as the greatest command of all!) the hide evil in their hearts and that is considered righteous.

So time will tell. These three faith, hope and love, remain.

The problem with sharing the same therapists pt III

Guess what, world? There are no exceptions to the rule. Do NOT share the same therapist.

Yesterday was my first appointment since the domestic abuse incident two weeks ago. My husband has seen the therapist twice since then, and good for him. For the record,I did call her office the very next day to report that he was so physically threatening I had to ask him to leave the house. Also, my son who was THERE also made a notation in my contemporaneous record about the incident from his point of view, which states more or less that mom is calm and rational and dad is angry and belligerent. I brought this record with me to therapy, but it turned out to be of no interest to the therapist anyway. Regardless, it's important to have for other reasons (which I hope to never need but a girl's got to be prepated, ya know?).

The EMDR was working really well. I will have to write another post about how really well it is working. I deserve to complete the full steps of EMDR, but as far as we had gotten was such a good thing for me. In therapy, we were getting closer and closer to recent times in the timeline of traumatic events, which is what I really need to get through. That was and has always been my intent in contracting for this therapy.

However it looks like I will have to find some other way to finish the steps, or just rely on my own inner resources to get through what lies ahead. Showing up for my appointment yesterday did not get me any healing or help.

So,when I walked in, the first thing I noticed was that the EMDR equipment was not in sight. That sucks because that is the sole reason I am in therapy. Absence of equipment noted. A pit of unease opened up in my stomach.

The next thing I noticed was the lack of empathetic concern I think is the minimal standard for respectable counselor. I did call her office the next day, so she knows it was bad enough that I had to ask my husband to leave the premises. In fact, it was the worst incident since he went to Life Skills in 2009, the very first time that he absolutely refused to abide the Domestic Abuse Prevention Plan that he wrote in his own hand and signed in 2009. It was wanting to be free and clear of the PTSD from the domestic abuse that sent me to a counselor in the first place. At that time, the very beginning, she seemed very empathetic about that. That was before she took on my husband as a patient as well, however.

She did not ask me if I was okay. She did not show any concern for me at all. What she said was "I heard about the argument". I countered that it was not an argument, it was an incidence of domestic abuse. The pit in my stomach got bigger.

This made her visibly angry, again. She retorted "Well it sounds like an argument to me: you asked him to leave the house. That sounds like an argument."

Again I insisted it was not a mere argument, it was an episode of domestic violence. She unhappily, completely lacking any sympathy or kindnessf for me, in fact she was clearly peeved with me, repeated back, "Okay, I'll call it an incidence of domestic abuse. Does that make you happy?"

That's when I knew. There are no exceptions. The literature is right- ladies, you will not be believed by your husband's acquaintances, counselors, the neighbors, or your pastor. None of us will be. It doesn't matter how calm you may be, people will never believe the mild mannered charmer who they see face to face is a raging monster to you in private. It just won't happen. Not for any of us. I am not special. My husband is not special. Our life is straight out of the domestic abuse play book- honeymoon, tension, explosion, honeymoon, tension, explosion.

I told the therapist I thought I should find a new counselor. She heartily (not professionally) agreed. I got up to leave, and she told me I wasn't going anywhere she had some things to say to me.

0_o

No, I was not going to stick around for anything she had to say. She said she had some things to tell me about how it was going with my husband, and I said I didn't think that was ethical. Then she said that he had asked her to share with me, but now she wasn't going to tell me. I said if he had asked her to tell me, then she should. But no, now I didn't get to know.

Whatever. I kept walking out. I was dialing my husband as I went, to tell him that she had kicked me out of therapy. This made her really mad, and she started saying "I didn't kick you out, you quit" which is technically true. Then she added, "Good luck finding anyone who can work with YOU!"

It's a shame, because EMDR was helping me so much, and my therapist wouldn't even be professional enough to make a transition to a new therapist easy for me. Also, she holds all the power in this (should be professional) relationship. I am taking a class in Medical Ethics and Law, and my textbook says that psychotherapy notes are privileged UNLESS you sue or lodge a complaint against the therapist. So, I can slip off into my own world, and her furiously scribbled opinions from the last time she went off on me will remain private. No one can ever see them, unless I lodge a complaint against her. Then it will be her word against mine, and who do YOU think the guild of professional psychotherapists are going to give the most weight to, a patient who by seeking professional help is admitting to needing help, or one of their own, a trained professional? All of her opinions will have the weight of medical diagnosis, while my opinions will just be considered the vendetta of a disordered person. Lose-lose for me.


Also, every other medical record you have a right to see by law, and add an amendment or rebuttal to that record if you disagree with what it written there. Not psychotherapy notes. A patient doesn't even have the right to see them, as the therapist can claim it would be detrimental to your emotional/psychological well-being. Yes, they really hold that much power over you.

I shared all this with my daughter last night, who basically said "I told you so." Lolz. She said about herself, "The odds are good I will be smarter than they are to start with (true for her, she is really brilliant with an Einstein level IQ)and I am in college. I know that just because they graduated from college doesn't mean squat." She has a point.

She then asked me if I ever thought of myself as Sarah Conner of Terminator fame. I had to say no, but don't I wish I had her arms! :p

Well, my daughter told me that she had always thought of me as Sarah Conner, and that I had the same mental toughness that the character Sarah Conner displayed. She told me that she knows I can handle this career transition and she is behind me 100%. Heck, she drove an hour over to the house to tell me all this in person. =D

So there's the update. I am in school full-time, working on taking charge of my life and becoming self-supporting. Pray for me: I have some paper-work snafus to deal with before my next stage of education. It is not easy going back as an adult student. Although teaching high school for the last six years has me well prepared academically, the paper trial is problematic. I need my shot records, for one thing, and my childhood pediatrician is dead and the health department back home decided to shred all documentation over 25 years old in the late 80s. My high school transcripts should have my shot records on them, so I have sent away for a copy of those. Let's hope that works out.

My husband will continue with the therapist. I hope that turns out to be a good thing, as I have heard from other abandoned middle aged wives that it was counseling that convinced their husbands that they deserved better than the wife of their youth. :/ But the man needs some kind of help, and EMDR works really well if that therapist will actually use it with him.

And finally, I am no exception. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse. Even though each person has their own story, and even though each angry man has probably been victimized in some way as a child that deserves sympathy and support, in the end, women still get the shaft. No one is going to cut us a break. If we stay, we are weak and probably asking for it. If we leave, we are heartless shrews who walked away from our vows and left those poor hurting men to cry in their beer.

I wish women would at least be there for each other, but that isn't going to happen either. So be there for yourself, sisters. And let Jesus be there for you. He certainly knows what it is like to be "despised and rejected of men". The only way to get any real help from the shelters, etc. is to stay until you are physically hurt enough to require medical attention, and screw that. You deserve better than that. Who cares if anyone believes you were in real danger? If you feel you are in danger, protect yourself. FTW,not FML. =)

Make peace now with the reality that no matter what you choose, some people will vilify that choice.

Make peace now with the reality that no matter what you do, some people will condemn you.

Make peace not with the reality that no matter what your spouse chooses to do, some people will still blame you.

For me, it's important that I have peace with God, and that my children both support me. Some women don't even get that. I am really blessed that way. There was a time when his emotional abuse used the children against me, so I am really really grateful that he took responsibility for his actions when he did. He may go back on that, and say that the real problem all along was me, but the children have already seen the truth and they wont' be going back. I really appreciate that, and I know that is a true blessing.

Well, home work awaits. Peace and good will, SS

Online friends and followers

Those of you more intimate with my personal story and life, who know my name IRL, email me at: to_shadowspring@yahoo.com, or reply here if you would like an update. I could use all the prayer and support I can get, but due to the highly sensitive nature of recent events, I cannot publish my last several entries. However I would like all who would truly pray, to know what's up so they will pray.

Peace and good will,
SS

EMDR works/sharing the same therapist

I apologize in advance for the typos I will most likely make and not have time to correct, and any poorly constructed sentences/paragraphs. I really don't have time for this, but I think it's important to share, especially with others who may have similar problems in their personal lives/marriages, etc. So here goes:

EMDR is working. I don't really know how to explain it, I just know that situations that in the past would have been seriously emotionally upsetting are now only mildly upsetting. I also know that I no longer stifle my self as much as I used to, or maybe what I mean is that when I do, it's my conscience freely chosen decision and not something I feel I *should* or *must* do, if that makes sense. Also, when things are going poorly, as in the conversation with my father-in-law on his last visit, setting boundaries like "you can't talk to me that way" comes out of my head without emotion and there is no guilt or shame either. It's so matter of face, logical, reasonable- and I am loving this new way of being. I love it ESPECIALLY because it's automatic and am not coaching myself into it. Too cool.

The thing is, I am only in stage four (of lots of stages, either eight or sixteen, I forget) and all I have read says that if you cut therapy short and skip the end stages, you can lose the progress you have made. So I definitely don't want to cut it short.

Why would I even be considering this as a possibility, you might ask. Good question. Before I answer, I have to tell everyone that EMDR is working so well that the incident I am about to describe to you, while it once would have been extremely traumatic, was only mildly upsetting. I am quite positive the other person is way more bothered than I was at the time and that I was quite able to put it aside and get on with my life within oh, say, a half-hour. I am thinking not so much with the other person. Weird and wonderful both. Lolz.

So, a little background first. You know my husband went to Life Skills 26-week program through a local church. At Life Skills (by Paul Hegstrom, reformed philanderer, woman beater, and former preacher- hisstory is amazing and full of hope for all seriously messed-up misogynist Christian men, of which there are too many in the closet) my husband learned to take time-outs when he felt the tension rising, or when I called a time-out. After Life Skills, things were not all fixed, so he agreed to go to counseling with a man claiming to be skilled in domestic violence, among other areas.

Big mistake. Most people only think they understand domestic violence and domestic abuse. Anyway, the next time my husband was seriously in his reptile-brain, and I refused to let him back in the house until he called his counselor, the counselor was no help at all. He couldn't believe that such a nice guy as my husband could be at fault, and suggested I come into to see him too.

Now thank God my husband really wants to be healed. If he just wanted to evade responsibility for his own emotions and actions, this counselor was going to enable that. That could have been the beginning of divorce proceedings right then, but my husband was not wanting someone to be on "his side", he wanted to stop hurting his wife- emotionally, mentally, verbally as well as physically. So he fired the therapist.

We went and bought a twelve dollar book, titled (I think) How to Stop Hurting the Woman You Love. (I will edit this later, to add author and correct title if my memory is wrong.) The first chapter was awesome, gave us all we needed to know to successfully implement the time-out procedure, and it has been a great tool for us ever since.

It's a sports analogy, meaning stop the interaction ( the game) and take some time to go check with your coach/playbook. For my husband, this means prayer, journaling and going through his Life Skills paperwork. Life Skills recommends in thirty minute increments until peace and love are a possibility in the husband/wife relationship.

So, with the final pieces of the puzzle from the book, we wrote out a contract. Either of us can call a time-out at any time, the other agrees to honor it, we check the clock and agree to come back together in exactly thirty minutes. (PAPDs intentionally drag their feet to frustrate the other into anger, so this is an important point! Also, making sure the other knows you intend resolution, and are not abandoning them, is very important.) We even stipulated procedures for if the first thirty minutes wasn't enough, but we haven't had to put those into practice.

Okay, those of you following this blog know that we see the same therapist, but for EMDR, not marriage/relationship therapy. IT IS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA TO SEE THE SAME THERAPIST FOR MARRIAGE THERAPY IN A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SITUATION. That is my opinion, but you can verify that I am not the only one who has come to that conclusion. Therapists just cannot seem to get their head around the fact that the formerly victimized spouse needs to be in complete control of whether or not a situation is turning abusive. Your former abuser should be readily willing to cede that decision to the formerly abused spouse in perpetuity. As my husband says, "If I am in my reptile brain, why would you ask me to decide if I am being abusive or not? That's guaranteed to end badly. If I could tell I was slipping away on my own, I wouldn't be there. I need a friend to point out to me that I'm drifting to a bad place. That's just stupid, to ask me what I think about it if I am already showing signs of PAPD."

The first weird incidence with this therapist, where she made assumptions about our relationship and insisted on "advising" me about it, can be found here. It happened again last week.

The cool thing is how little it affected me. She bristled at the use of the term "time-out". I think instead of a sports analogy she imagines me shaming my husband by making him sit in the corner with his face to a wall? Not sure why that phrase got her going, but whatevs. Get going she did. She told me that instead of telling him he needed to take a time-out, I should ask him if maybe he thinks (feels?) he might need to consider if he thinks he needs to call a time-out.

Uh,no. If I am not free to call a time-out when I feel threatened in any way, then I am not safe. And if I am not safe, then I am not staying in the relationship. No, no, no, no, no, NO!

My adamant rejection of her advice was not angry, loud, or socially unacceptable. It was firm and direct though. This she could not handle at all.

It was extremely strange. I had to sit there with my lips pressed together, as anytime I tried to get a word in edgewise I was "talking over her". She basically wanted me to serve as my husband's therapist, helping him to reach a place of self-awareness. Uh, no. My goal is personal safety, not helping my husband evolve as a person. That's why he's in therapy, and beyond that the Holy Spirit and the counsel of those who have gone before (Life Skills) are there to assist him. That's what a time-out IS, for heaven's sake. I am NOT responsible for his emotional state. Those days are over forever.

The strangest thing of all was that what started this was the comment that things were going so well! As close as I can remember, my exact words were,"IF I have to correct him or tell him that he needs a time-out, he is not offended at all!" Seriously, that's the main reason my blogis so quiet and boring: we are living together in happiness. Peace, love, and affection characterize our relationship these days. It's wonderful!

Well, she totally tripped. I let her have her say, which took what seemed forever, as she kept adding and adding to her long litany of counsel. I wasn't allowed to talk. When it seemed like she was through, I asked if I could talk and she said "Not yet. I want you to answer this question, yes or no. Are you willing to consider my advice? Yes or no. Yes, or No?"

Uh, I'm pretty sure I know what the "right" answer is, duh. So I answered "yes" all the while thinking if I can't redirect off of this relationship and back on to EMDR, this is just a waste of my time today. Once I was allowed to talk, I told her that I didn't appreciate her treating me like a child, but I would set that aside to get to this other issue. I told her that she was making assumptions about our relationship without asking any questions, and that no I did not agree that my husband needed to be "in charge" of deciding when things were heading in a bad direction, and...all the time I spoke she was writing furiously, making faces and the sort of noises my grandma used to make when she was displeased. Huffy, I think is the word that fits.

So I looked at her and said, "You know, this is not working for me. This is not helping me at all. I think it's time for me to go".

Just like that. Calmly, rationally. I am so proud of myself. I gathered my things while she called on me to "wait, wait" but I knew I just needed to leave, so I did as politely as I could. I had already listened politely and been so calm the whole time.

As I was leaving I smiled at the receptionist and said some sort of goodbye. I know I was pleasant and kind. I was not angry at anyone, I was just matter-of-factly getting out of a non-productive social situation. Yay me.

The therapist came out and got between me and the exit. She said, "I was going to tell you there is no charge for today, but I guess you don't want to hear that!" Calmly, I replied,"No, not now, now is not the best time for that. And you are between me and the door." As I said this last sentence, she moved while I was talking and answered,"No I'm not."

And so I walked out the door. That was this past Tuesday, a week ago today. I called Ted in the parking lot and told him. Later that day the receptionist called to see if I wanted to keep coming and tell me, once I said yes, that my next visit was no charge.

And before you all freak out on me for going back, I want you to consider this: EMDR is a scientific technique. It works. If I were to switch therapists, I would have to go through weeks of intake again. Or, conversely, have my records transferred, which would include her no doubt the notes she scribbled furiously during our last visit. Legally I have the right to read those note and write a rebuttal which will also be included, but I just don't really want to go through all that, on either count.

EMDR is not like other therapies. I don't need her empathy or her counsel, only her training as an EMDR clinician. Sort of like a dentist, or an optometrist. It's a technique she is skilled in working, and switching EMDR clinicians now would be a hardship on me, not her. I am not going to let her emotional issues take EMDR away from me.

So I'm going to give it one more try. It may not work. She may not be able to act as a therapist since she made such an ass of herself last visit. I guarantee my husband is not impressed with her outburst and meddling. Thank God for that maturity on his part. He saw her yesterday and just will not discuss his current life situation with her. She asked how things were going and he just answered, "fine" and "let's get started".

I am going to try to implement his strategy from now on. The thing is: EMDR WORKS! We are the happiest we have ever been. Recent house-guests said we were like newlyweds. The last trouble we had was when my husband tried going off antidepressants around Christmas. Life is good for us now, and I credit EMDR with that. My husband is eating healthy and working out. I am freed up emotionally to go back to school and do things for me. Life is good. I don't want to quit EMDR before I've made it all the way through.

Oh, and the other reason I hardly blog is that "All I do is (study)! All day, every day." hee hee Put the word study in the appropriate place in this hilarious video, and that's my life now.

Peace and good will, SS

ps The video link below is poking fun at stoners. Warning for the sensitive among us: It contains the f-word and other cuss words. Since all I do is study, every day-all day, all I do is study, this video cracks me up. Don't watch if you don't have a healthy sense of humor.

Christmas 2010

The day started out bad, was good in the middle, and ended poorly. My husband is clearly depressed again, and though he put a lot of effort into trying to make a good day, he crashed. I wish instead of faking it and trying to push through, he'd just come out and say "not feeling well today, I will be doing the best I can but understand it is like slogging through jello".

But he won't. Sigh. I was relying on him to be well, and when he fakes it that just winds up in an argument. I notice he's not really "here". I keep catching him withdrawing from the conversation, doing poor work, acting socially inappropriate, and not knowing he's depressed, I get irritated.

If he drops the ball when he's not depressed, and I point it out and ask for help getting it going again, he is quick to apologize and get in the game. But when he's depressed? Oy vey. "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you." And then the anger and invective come charging out at me, for daring to say anything about his obvious anti-social, childish behaviors.

I wonder how often depression results in domestic violence in other people's lives?

And why is it the depressed can't just say "I'm not doing so well today. I'm sad and I don't know why." or "I can't stop thinking about xyz and it's really bumming me out." ? Doesn't my husband know by now that I can be counted on to be compassionate, understanding and lower my expectations accordingly?

Or is it just my depressed husband who does that?

We had company this evening that we could have easily rescheduled. Our guest even called and said in light of the storm moving in, were we still going to go ahead with the dinner party? If I had known my husband was depressed, I would have taken the phone and told him that he probably shouldn't come and we'd do dinner another night. As it was, I left it up to my husband and he told the guest to come on over. And then ignored him once he got here. Such an unnecessary and unpleasant thing to have happen.

So, anyway, he did agree he was depressed again. We both had a good cry and then he went to bed early. I cleaned up after the dinner party and my teen and adult daughter helped. I had hoped that going back to the full dosage of his med would kick in right away, but maybe it will take awhile. Anyway it is not very much fun, and after things were going to well, too.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Peace and good will, SS

12/26 Dh went to bed at 8pm last night; woke up considerably happier. Looking forward to the meds stabilizing again. Ayiyiyi.

Antidepressants and domestic abuse

Republished December 29 after publishing Christmas Day and removing late that evening.

Two weeks ago my husband started weaning off of one anti-depressant and increasing the dose of another. I sent an email last Sunday to his therapist "for your info and my permanent record, as I will be keeping a copy of this email."

Just wanted to let [name] know that [my husband] was doing a medication change, and it has not gone without affect on his personality. He was more aggressive in driving, compulsively eating again, withdrawn, and antagonistic when any of these issues were brought up as a problem. This is a change back to old ways of thinking and behaving. After weeks of no time-outs at all, there were three days of time-outs last week, with Friday night requiring more than one time out that evening alone. He went ahead and took another dose of the med he was quitting (I don't why the doc didn't choose to taper him off) Friday night and he is better, but not fully happy and participating in life with joy like he was before.

I'm posting it here because I know women in other bad marriage situations read here, and it would be duplicitous to hide problems. He is still not "fully happy and participating in life with joy like he was before."

He is returning to the old husband, the one who pleasantly enough ignored everything I said until I was frustrated, and then responds to me as if my normal human frustration at being stone-walled is characteristic of "a bitch". My efforts to talk to him about how his personality and behavior have changed are called "mean and hateful". I can not account for this return to his old ways other than the changes in medication.

Last night, as we went to bed he read from one of the marriage books we have found helpful, apologized for not helping me as I had asked earlier that night, and promised he would help today. We got into bed and were both almost asleep. My cell phone rang.

It was my daughter with an unexpected crisis (no one's hurt). My husband's response was to turn his back to me. When the phone call continued, he let out an exasperated sigh. He did this a few times.

Wow. Total abandonment of both me and my daughter in one grand gesture. She is shivering in a parking lot afraid and worried about this fender-bender, and he has NO COMPASSION. He hears me comfort her and offer advice and he HAS NO DESIRE TO COMFORT HER OR SUPPORT ME.

Instead, he feels put out and has no problem passive-aggressively broadcasting his self-centered disorder as self-righteously as he can. Unbelievable.

When I do finally take a break from my phone call to tell him to get up (my job as ezer, and he has agreed repeatedly he wants that kind of relationship) he grudgingly does so. He is very kind to my daughter on the phone, but not to me. When the crisis is past and I try to talk to him, he is not at all interested in bringing healing to our relationship.

Unbelievably, he denies that he abandoned me to deal with this myself and was a self-centered jerk, because in his mind once he did get up, then the facts, that he laid there for five minutes sighing in irritation and never did man up and do anything motivated by love, but ONLY took any action in the form of REACTING to my frustration and rebuke, were magically erased from accountability.

All attempts to address the real issue- his self-centered return to PAPD- are being met with classic PAPD behavior. Trite apologies with right words and no emotion. Self-righteous withdrawal into himself when I point out the reality that in human relationships, this is not enough. One must do more than apologize, one must repair the damage done. He knows this. PAPD counts on it. That way the original offense can multiply and cause more pain and damage in the relationship while allowing the PAPD to pity himself as the victim here.

(Religion teaches this constantly. Anyone who brings up a problem "needs to forgive" i.e. suck it up and accept the mistreatment. I hate what the church has done to the words of Christ.)

Well, I had hoped that after a full night's sleep, he would be reasonable again. Nope. Full blown PAPD this morning, complete with physical, verbal and emotional symptoms. When I tried to talk to him this morning (yes, in a calm rational voice, though we are discussing a problem that an apology alone won't solve) he first withdrew his arms, next crossed his arms over his chest, and then actually started to walk out of the room.

I thought his conscience must be scratching his heart somewhere, because then he did come over and lay beside me and put his arm around me, though his arm was now across my neck. I noticed he could have hurt me badly, but chose to assume it was not intentionally intimidating. But then he started repeating, "poor baby" and I then I knew for sure this man was not in his right mind.

This "poor baby" crooning is a personal symptom of his when he is in a PAPD episode/domestic abuse. It's physically manifesting that in his thoughts he is belittling and infantilizing my concerns. Another term for is is misogyny. He is not an adult having a conversation with another adult; he is a god managing an inferior being. His patronizing behavoir is intended to make him look good and reveal his contempt for me at the same time.

The literature about PAPD points out that this is (subconsciously?) intentional and that this thinking about oneself and others is the bedrock on which all the passive-aggressive behaviors are built. Heck, it is the bedrock upon which all domestic abuse and violence is built.

So silly me, I tried having a rational conversation about this too. Why do I think he will hear me with a heart of good will when he is like this? That is about as likely as snowfall in July.

So he turned that around to say I was saying hateful, cruel things about him (pointing out his PAPD behaviors) but he loves me anyway. O. M. G. The therapist calls this the reptile brain and I see why. I might as well be talking to a reptile.

So, he is in a "time-out" right now, but barring some miracle of God all it really is a free pass to avoid dealing with his very real personality problems that are causing distress, pain and frustration to those he loves while indulging his ego. There was absolutely NOTHING humble or honest about his going to this "time out". He is attempting to use it as just another weapon that keeps intimacy and love from invading his life. Ugh.

Well, good news on my front. I am frustrated, but I have a plan. Go back on full dose of the anti-depressant immediately and make an appointment with the doctor next week to discuss the persistent personality problems that are accompanying these changes. That's my bottom line.

And if he chooses not to? At the very least, he will be sleeping on the couch. As to further consequences if he persists in misogyny/self-absorption/resentment? I don't know, but I know that God will be my strength and deliverance.

Peace and good will, SS