Saturday, October 23, 2010

Looking Back and Looking Around

Looking back, I can see how far my husband has come in healing. He has been in therapy, group and individual, for almost a year now. He is receiving medical treatment for depression as well, which is making a huge difference. It's not that he never slips back into blaming, abandoning behaviors, but he doesn't stay there long and it is happening farther and farther in between. The actual aggression is a thing of the past.

Looking around, I can see how much improved all of our family is, both in a personal sense and in our relationships. My son is really enjoying life now, taking on new hobbies, setting academic and personal goals. He's losing weight and getting strong.

My daughter is shining socially now, a whole new thing in her life. Every week she is growing and accomplishing new goals she has set for herself. We rarely argue. She calls me just to talk, sometimes for advice. She invites me to do things with her and accepts my invitations too. It is a relationship I now enjoy.

I am much happier now. I have more peace, and more joy. I actually have thoughts and feelings about my own life now. I am not always worried for my family and praying for them, because I know things are going to be okay. It's wonderful to have the freedom to think about my self, my future, my happiness. n_n

My husband smiles often now. Not always. Occasionally the depression takes over still. He is working through a lot of personal things from his own childhood in therapy, and it still casts a cloud now and then. BUT it used to always hang over his life, unrecognized and unacknowledged, driving him to alternate between withdrawing from everyone and striking out in seething resentment, mostly to me. That rarely happens now.

It's a relief and a blessing. My blog may change focus and direction as my own life changes focus and direction. I may even shut it down after a season, if I think it is not really serving a purpose anymore.

When I started this blog, I didn't know if we were going to make it or not. Now I am as close to sure as I think I will ever be about anything in this life. "Life is what happens while you're making other plans", so I am no longer one hundred per cent certain about anything these days. Age and experience will give you that perspective! =)

My spiritual journey is taking turns I never expected. I more fully want to follow Jesus than ever before, if that's possible. I have less confidence that organized religious institutions help much in that journey. I guess what I mean by that is that I don't believe pastors or preachers or seminary grads are any closer to knowing and walking in the truth than any other disciple.

I will always go to church: to share in corporate expressions of gratitude (worship), bear one anothers burdens, rejoice with those who rejoice, and remember the Lord's great love for us all by sharing communion with the saints. I will honor the work of the Holy Spirit in the church by allowing the Lord to minister to me through the gifts and insights He has placed in others, including the man standing up front. But certainly not limited to the man standing up front, or exalting God's work through him to a higher status than God's work in the "least of these my brethren".

I am digging into theology and broadening my field of inquiry. I am leaving fundamentalism behind. I recognize that it only hinders my walk with God and hinders the spread of the gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth. I can accept fundamentalists as my brothers and sisters in Christ, well loved by Jesus, but reject their doctrines as rules taught by men that crush lambs and drive away all but the most resilient true sheep.

I hope my readers have been helped by following this crappy home school marriage's path out of misery and on to the path of healing. If anyone is informed to make good decisions, reject damaging doctrines and practices, and helped to a better life in any way, then I am glad I blogged so honestly about such private matters.

Peace and good will to all who read here, SS.


  1. I joined in only recently but I have been encouraged. I'm blessed to see God at work and bringing healing with Him.

  2. I'm glad there has been so much progress, it's been cool to "watch" so far! Hopefully you keep blogging.


  3. Aw, thanks L. Your cyber-friendship has been very helpful to me. I think I'll email you tomorrow! =)

  4. I am so behind in my connections! Shadowspring, I have been intending to write you ever since you posted about your marriage on No Longer Qivering to give you a hearty hallelujah. You and your family have been at the top of the list I pray for when my iPhone gives me a Call to Prayer.

    As to whether you should continue to write here, well, was your original purpose only to expose the fallacies of formulaic Christian Homeschool Family or to provide an illustration of how a Christian family centered on the virtues of Love Learning and Liberty works out its ongoing struggles and adventures?

    If it was only the former and now you are firmly and irrevocably not A Crappy Homeschool Marriage, then you probably should change up your blog. After all,

    Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
    Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, Chapter 1, first line
    Russian mystic & novelist (1828 - 1910)

    I think the more interesting and edifying blog to read is not the expose on formula Christian living but the recognition that spiritual living is a never-ending adventure that you are on that sometimes includes other members of your family. No story, Christian or otherwise, is a Happily Ever After and I would like to see how you and your family continue your journeys together and alone through Life, pursuing constant Learning, in ever-present awareness of Liberty.

    With much love for you and thankfulness for your writing!

  5. Love the quote from Tolstoy! True dat: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

    I love writing, so if anyone wants to keep reading I will certainly keep writing. I feel a bit overexposed though- LOL!

    I have people on my blog wondering if I even believe in a Creator and people on other blog's trying to make me doubt my faith. Nice to know that I'm not here alone. I know you at least, Sandra, are "stuck in the middle" with me. Clowns to the left of us, jokers to the right...heh heh.