Dear Fil

(Warning: strong language ahead.)

Dear Fil,

Please don't call here anymore. Every time you call, you set off a shitstorm of abuse in my household.  Once it even ended in a suicide gesture.  The worst part of that incident was that it involved criminal activity that endangered other people.  Yes, the missionary kid got blinding, puking drunk chugging Four Loco and malt liquor in the Wal-Mart parking lot and drove home.  He could've killed not only himself, but other innocent people.  This last phone call had him driving 25 miles over the speed limit in poor weather conditions, angry at all those people who were "in his way".

What did you do to this man's heart as he grew that has filled him with so much self-loathing and rage?  And why does driving seem to factor into the fallout?  You, Mr. Missionary Preacher Man, are a wicked, heartless, cold-blooded reptile.  You are completely self-centered.  You don't give a shit about your children's hearts, only how they make you look to your cult peers.  You don't even ask any important questions, ever, and when people try to talk about things like feelings, you change the subject.  You are a braggart, and the only value your children and grandchildren have for you is for bragging rights.  Fuck you.  You have contributed nothing  but harm to your family; your legacy is broken men who abuse their wives and children, religious addicts mired in depression and who seek release in bullying others. You are the lowest of the low.  And you suck up undeserved respect from your career choice and the children you intimidated into never questioning you or your cult.

In a perfect world, you would be having some kind of end-of-life fearless moral inventory.  In a perfect world, you would be seeking to truly know and truly care for the hearts of your children and grandchildren.  Hell, if you were even human some of that might be happening.  Non-religious people live this way all the time, without any prompting from moral tomes.  Here you claim to follow Jesus the Christ, a man who promoted love, sincere love, as the highest way any man can choose to live, and you have one of the most cold, lifeless hearts I have ever known.

But, it's not a perfect world. You won't ever change.  You are a self-centered, self-involved religious bigot and all you care about is gaining religious hit points to increase your stats with your fellow fundy cult members.  Shame on you.

What makes me the angriest is how *I* catch the heat for your abuse after you call.  My husband doesn't even try to talk to you about anything important anymore, though he has in the past.  It's too painful to come face to face with the reality that your parents don't love you.  So, he plays along with your little games.  Talk about the weather, talk about nothing, and then you issue your demand for him to show up and pay homage to you in person, opening that "invitation" with a remark of how older brother has just fulfilled HIS obligation, so when are you going to get with the program?

He stuffs all his feelings when you call. He becomes numb.  He says the phone call went well, and then changes the subject. The only difference in his demeanor right away is that he is a bit more distant.  Over the next few days he becomes less and less affectionate, a little more irritable. He starts to spend more time watching sports and disappearing into computer games.  When someone calls him on bad behavior, he will apologize, but not with the affection and sincere regard for the other's feelings that had characterized him in more recent weeks. In short, he becomes his "old self".

He disappears back into PAPD, needing to cause a conflict in order to discharge all of his anger, and ultimately, give reason to the overwhelming shame he feels because of your indifference to his heart.  The conflict has to arise from someone's response to his silence or inaction, so he can tell himself he didn't start it, it's the other person's fault.

That other person is always me.  That's because you, Fil, by your overt and covert teaching, raised my husband to hate women.  You raised him to view them as empty-headed and emotional, with emotional being a bad thing rather than a part of the healthy human condition.  When he is in this, his reptile brain, he becomes you, Fil.  He treats me with the same contempt and resentment that he saw (and I have seen) you treat his mother.  This time it took over twenty-four hours for him to come back to reality.

Right now I am not in danger when he gets like this, but only because my son is here to protect me.  My son goes away to college in a year.  If my husband isn't free of the bomb in the brain that you planted, that you set off every time you call, then I will have to leave him.  I will be forced to leave him for my own safety, because he won't stop taking your calls.  And you won't stop calling.

And fuck you for that.   Fuck you because you never call because you care for anyone but yourself.  You call because you have no heart friends, and the wife is in long term care now.  You can't even abuse her openly anymore.  It won't have the same affect when you tell her that her contribution to the conversation is "the stupidest thing you ever heard", because she has Alzheimer's now.   I wonder who you DO abuse now to try to feel better than everyone else?  People at church?

I think old abusive people are the saddest people on earth.  But don't come looking for pity here.  You won't find any from me. I wish my husband could tell you the truth about how you've hurt him, even though you wouldn't care and/or would deny responsibility.  I wish he was strong enough to cut you off completely from his life.  But he's not, not now, and he may never be.

And then your abuse just keeps on hurting him, because I will have to leave him if there's no hope he'll ever be completely safe for me to stay his wife.  That will really really suck if you get to cut him off from the only person in this world who has ever truly loved him or cared for his heart.  At least the children we raised together will always care for him, unlike your children who only come around you when the guilt you lay on them gets too much to bear.

Please don't call here anymore.  Just don't.  Oh, and get some help for your religious addiction before you die.  It would do so much good on the earth if you would.

Self-Congratulatory Ego Stroking Nonsense

"You are a REAL MAN when you: commit to study God's Word, when you teach your children, when you love your wife."

o_0


Seriously?  Now Christians are willing to dehumanize all other people everywhere in order to stroke their own egos and emphasize their superiority to those other mere (hell bound, presumably) slobs?

This is so obviously wrong that it should never see the light of day, and yet Christians are proudly plastering this all over their facebook walls this morning.

Can you imagine Jesus ever saying such nonsense?

Does Jesus anywhere call for people to "study God's Word"?  I don't think so.  Please post chapter and verse from the gospels if I am wrong.

(Fundies: don't even try to say Jesus=the whole Bible so a verse from OT or epistles are on the same level as the actual teachings of Jesus as remembered by the early church.  That's a load of manure and if you were more intellectually honest, it would have occurred to you too.  Meditate on the lesson of the Mount of Transfiguration and it will be plain: Jesus and Moses, Elijah, the disciples are NOT on equal footing.  Jesus is GOD.  Those others guys are just people, like you and me, whose lives were touched by God.  HUGE difference!!)

Jesus commanded us precious few things, so they are easy to remember:  A new command I give you, that you love one another as I have loved you.  By this will all men know you are my disciples, if you love one another.

When it comes to children, Jesus loved them and touched them.  He warned people not to offend them.  He said nary a word about "teaching them".

Of course, Jesus was a constant teacher, but when I see a fundamentalist use the word "teach" in connection with the word "children" it usually means something very different than emulating the life of Jesus and how he related to those he taught.  It means spank, demand obedience even when unfair and unjust, and coerce them to emulate spoken and overtly taught parental values like what to think, feel, watch and say. This would include memorizing Bible verses and parroting Christian cliches without thinking about them very deeply.  All a far cry from the nurture and compassion Jesus showed little children and commanded us to also show.  All a far cry from the love and acceptance Jesus showed the crowds of people who came to Him to be healed and taught about the love of God.

Jesus and women? Jesus turned Old Testament misogyny upside down by accepting women as disciples, talking to them as equals, touching them without concern as to whether they were "bleeding" or not, commending for their faith, calling them up to the front of the synagogue, and more.  The list of the ways Jesus defied the patriarchy and honored women is very long.

I don't believe Jesus would ever have used the phrase "REAL MAN" about anyone, because it implies that other men are lesser and women, well we all know what the opposite of a "REAL MAN" is right?  A pussy, a girly-man, a pansy, and a wimp are all pretty much interchangeable insults used as the opposite of a "REAL MAN".  The phrase itself is misogynist to the core.

Oh, and the PRIDE fed by such a statement!  I simply cannot see Jesus ever endorsing such ego-stroking hyperbole, not ever.  If there is one thing Jesus was "against" it was religious posturing and the pride that goes with it.  Oh. my.

That statement just is rotten to the core.  I know of one very abusive, mentally off-balance patriarch who will puff up with pride when he reads this statement.  His children are all emotionally wounded by growing up in his strict fundamentalist patriarchal family cult.  As they age out and break free, the family gets more fractured because the patriarch disowns them for choosing a life different from his own sick, twisted (but scriptural when one is allowed to proof text!) religious life.

His wife is miserable.  The children she sacrificed career and self-development to birth and raise are torn from her. She has to choose between "submission" to the patriarch and loving her children.  How sick is that?

But this guy fits the "REAL MAN" label above.   He, his life and his family are the living examples of how these religious catch phrases have replaced true devotion to Jesus with gaining the approval of your co-religionists.

My husband is a real man. So is my son. So are my Sikh, Jewish and Hindu neighbors.  A real man is one who exists.  Period.  Stop with the loaded language and ego-stroking, church.  It's repulsive.

*sigh*  I have to get back to studying.  I just wanted to get this off my chest.  Peace and good will to all who read here.  You are all real people, fyi!  :)  Shadowspring

Bullies: It's not just a school problem

Taylor Swift captured the essence of bullying in her song "Mean".  P!nk minsters directly to the heart of the bullied in her song "F**kin' Perfect".  Both songs are huge hits.  Unfortunately, it's because bullying is such a huge part of the American experience.  With 84% of Americans claiming adherence to religious faith, and a whopping 78% claiming to be "Christian", why is this?  Could it be that church is where bullies are made, groomed, and continue their post-school reign of terror?

I feel like I am waking up from a bad dream, only to find I'm still dreaming.  That's what it was like at my last church: it was so egalitarian (I thought), welcoming to all (I thought), and finally (I thought) I'd finally found a place where people took the words of Christ seriously.  The reality? I was believing what I wanted to believe. It took the ELCAs vote on ordaining gays in committed relationships to bring the bullying to the surface, but it had always been there. I just ignored it because this particular pastor was at the time very passive aggressive about his hate.  I remember him telling me that I wouldn't like him if I knew him better, following up that he was a Mark Driscoll fan once.  Since I had no idea who Mark Driscoll was, I replied, "Why would that cause me to reject you?  I don't care whose fan you are."

But now I see he was saying, "I believe you are inferior and should be put in your place."  Yep, I wouldn't have liked that if he had come right out and said it, but he is a sneaky sort so he said it in code.  Too bad I didn't know the code.  The fact that the Lutheran church follows a scriptural calendar kept him from preaching a sermon on the need to subjugate women, but if he could have found a way to sneak it in, I would never have caught it.  That's for two reasons.  First, at the time the majority of the congregation would have disagreed with him, and he wants to be liked and popular above all, so he wouldn't have come right out with it.  Second, he is ADD and his sermons rarely seem to have a main point, or even a theme.  I'm pretty sure that's why the ELCA sidetracked him into this little congregation, after he thought he was going to be associate pastor at a huge suburban church in an affluent part of town.  His rambles, if you will,  were always harmless enough, and me and my family could doodle, read our Bibles, look out he window, etc. when he was so vague it was pointless to try to follow.

But leaving the ELCA changed everything.  The tolerant open-hearted people left, but that was not the worst.  The worst part is that the congregation began to grow because the self-righteously offended folks from other ELCA churches,those who also disagreed with the decision to allow ordained gay clergy to enter into lifelong monogamous love relationships (what would be called marriage if it were legal), were looking for a "like-minded" place to "worship".  Now, pastor was popular because of his dark side. No need to hide it anymore. Things changed almost overnight, but I didn't realize it was happening, because I wanted to believe good of my church and my pastor.

Even with his new "friends", like bullies everywhere, he waited to throw his barbs until no one else was around.  When he struck at me he called me late at night on my cell phone.  If I hadn't been in the car, I don't think ANYONE would believe how hateful that "holy man" was to me in private.  As it is, the only people who DO believe it are the people who were actually in the car with me when it happened.  Wow.  Public school all over again.

This has had me thinking a lot lately about church itself, and how much bullying really goes on there.  It happens all the fricking time.  When I look back at the thirty years I have been faithfully involved in American evangelical Christianity, for the most part the best experiences I have ever had have happened when I just showed up, kept my head down and didn't really get involved personally in any other member's life.  Sure we volunteered, and went to special events, etc., but there were no real offers of friendship anywhere.  One of my favorite pastors, who retired since we moved, he was the most compassionate and sincere Christian I ever met, but he wouldn't know what to do with the gay issue.  I know the two churches that have generated from his retirement are not either one places I would attend.  The one with the most loving pastor, that I thought I would like, has in their statement of faith a belief in a 6000 yr old earth and the infamous one man, one woman statement.

As if reality is something you can choose to "believe in" or not!  Evolution, the speed of light, archeology, anthropology, etc. are not on equal ground with the tooth fairy.  You can't just decide your family is going to ignore reality because you don't believe in it!  My Sikh neighbor told me that his religion didn't believe in "that stuff" i.e. gay marriage.  What does he mean?  They don't believe gay people exist?  They don't believe gay people are capable of love?  Or that gay people don't deserve equal protection under the law?  I think he may mean that you can't be openly gay and be accepted in the Sikh religion, but that's not what he said.

But I digress.  The topic is bullying.  When I look back at all my former church experiences, I can plainly see bullying in evidence in each and every one.  I am ashamed to say that since I wasn't personally involved, I played it safe and ignored that it was happening.  So I don't guess I should be surprised that when I got bullied, that's how everyone would treat me.  Why do American recreate their public school experience, which is essentially what church does?  Classroom lecture, check. Posted start and finish times, check.  Take notes, check.  Popular people asked to help the "teacher", check.  Marginalization of the less socially acceptable, check.  Behind the scenes bullying, check.  Churches even have people who will throw you out if you disrupt the service by openly questioning what's going on there.  I have seen it happen.  Mega churches go one further.  Some of their ministry positions include armed security.  Scary stuff.

The big difference though is that church attendance is not legally compulsory.  It does become psychologically compulsory though once you become a part of that world.  Once you're in you know the shame and scorn heaped upon the heads of those who don't attend by the man in the lectern.  Over and over again, from the pulpit, I have heard it: promises of God's reward to those who build their social lives around the church, labels of "lukewarm", "lazy" and "hell-bound" to those those who only come on Sundays, some Sundays, and/or never come at all.

Shame is a powerful motivator.  No one wants to be one of the outcasts.  Everyone wants to be part of the "in" crowd, accepted by the popular people. Once you've heard that connection (the best Christians are here every time the door is open and volunteer and tithe) you want to be in the committed group that God blesses and pastor rewards.  You sure don't want to be rejected by God himself!  Yikes!

The other big difference is that as adults in the church, we pay the very people who bully us!  Oh sure, we really do believe we are giving it to God, not to the pastor directly.  That's the beauty of the whole scam, from the industry perspective.  They teach us that it's our religious duty to pay them, so they can turn around and bully at will from their place of honor at the lectern.  Why do we do that?  There are so many worthy causes our there in the world that could use more funds.  Why do we pay people to self-importantly lord it over us at church?

Finally there is no diploma.  You never graduate.  You might become a teacher's pet and get a moment or two of glory from your own time in the lectern, teaching a Sunday school class or leading a Wednesday service, if you tithe, attend and agree long enough.  Nope, there is no diploma but you do get something in return: the social approval of being a "good Christian".  That is still worth a lot in this country.  If you are in a family like mine or my husband's, it's a minimum requirement for being considered acceptable in the family.  Like trying to get a job without a high school diploma, I don't know if it's possible to get by socially without being a church attender.  I have been in the subculture so long, I have no idea how to get by outside of it.

I am not alone in wanting out, however.  The Barna research group's most recent findings show that:

More than one-quarter of American adults (28%) have left the faith in which they were raised in favor of another religion - or no religion at all. If change in affiliation from one type of Protestantism to another is included, 44% of adults have either switched religious affiliation, moved from being unaffiliated with any religion to being affiliated with a particular faith, or dropped any connection to a specific religious tradition altogether.

The survey finds that the number of people who say they are unaffiliated with any particular faith today (16.1%) is more than double the number who say they were not affiliated with any particular religion as children. Among Americans ages 18-29, one-in-four say they are not currently affiliated with any particular religion.

I interpret the data this way:  44% of people in America have left the place they were bullied in search of a church where bullying does not happen. 28% of them have already figured out that no such place exists.  My two children, both raised on daily devotions, regular church attendance, Christian radio, Bible memory, AWANA, church camp in the summer, the whole evangelical cradle-to-grave, morning-to-night marketing strategy, are among those "one in four".

The "problem" is not improper doctrine formation, bad apologetics, or lack of commitment to Jesus.  The "problem" IS the doctrine, apologetics and the fact that these are an epic fail when one attempts to reconcile them with a sincere devotion to Jesus.  Church and Jesus parted ways a long time ago, around the time of Constantine. Further, home churches and denominational splits are plainly just an attempt to open up new venues to new bullies. They split because it's too crowded at the top, so when a person has enough popularity to strike out on their own, they go for it.  Invariably the new group will still set up pyramids of power, collect  money for those at the top, and bully the ones who aren't playing along the way they should.

I foresee an exodus from organized religion BECAUSE of the rise of evangelical Christianity and its success at setting up a parallel culture.  Their big mistake was keeping the gospels in the Bible.  Anyone who takes the time to look at Jesus closely, His life, His example, and His words, will wind up following Jesus right out the door and into....well, that I am not clear about yet.

That's the scary part.  The evangelical sub-culture has been my whole world for so long.  I don't really know how to live without it. But I am not a part of it anymore.  I believe in Jesus, but not substitutionary atonement, eternal hell, or putting limits on the love of God.  I am unwilling to deny reality on any front, finding reality completely compatible with believing God created reality.  To think that some Bronze Age tribal scribes, or even first century eye-witnesses to the life of Jesus, get to define reality for the rest of us for all time because the God who is amazing enough to create all this complexity spoke to them in their day, well that's just stupid.  I believe Jesus healed an epileptic man who was deaf and dumb; I do not believe that demons cause epilepsy or deafness. (Mark 9: 17-27) I believe Jesus healed a woman with severe osteoporosis; I do not believe osteoporosis is caused by a demon sitting on someone's back and tying them into a hunched over state with invisible ropes.(Luke 13:11-17)

I want to go to church.  I really do.  But I can't "unknow" the things I know.

Peace and good will to all who read here, SS

Spiritual Bullying

Bullying is a big topic among today's youth.  I think a big part of ending bullying, is to get people who are not involved to stand up for the victims.  That's why the whole anti-bullying movement has sprung up, not so much to reform bullies (is that even possible?) but to make bullying itself socially unacceptable.

In my former striving to be uber-righteous and blameless in all things, I had only one answer to being bullied.  Beyond turning the other cheek, it went so far as to advocate to myself that standing up for myself was WRONG.  The proof text came from I Peter 2:21-23:

²¹ For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:

²² Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:

²³ Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:

So, when I was being bullied in a board meeting of our "Christian" home school support group, I didn't take up for myself even though I had done nothing wrong.  I thought the facts would speak for themselves, but guess what REALLY happens when a victim of bullying doesn't stand up for themselves?  Nothing good.  They appear weak and deserving of honorable treatment in the eyes of those looking on.  Maybe, maybe someone's conscience might be urging them to take up for you, but if you won't even take up for yourself, no one else will either.

Years went by without my being subjected to anything remotely like that public attack, until I got involved in my homeowner's association.  I was asked by a neighbor to please join a certain committee, as the people involved were currently control freaks who needed the brakes put on.  All I did was show up and doodle in my notebook as people droned on and got all upset over stupid trivia like shrubs and flower beds.  I was only there to protest any really draconian ideas the committee might come up with.  Everything else about the committee was B-O-R-I-N-G.

So, the night before the third meeting, the chair of the committee came by my house to ask me some questions. We talked on my front porch for about an hour, and even though the person who had asked me to join the committee told me the guy was a snake, I shut the front door feeling that maybe he wasn't as bad as my other neighbor had made him out to be.

The meeting started the next night, and to my great surprise *my notebook* was on the agenda.  The chairman demanded to see it, misrepresented almost everything we talked about the night before, and let me tell you, there must  be a book out there somewhere about how to destroy your enemies in a committee meeting because it was exactly the same scenario as the "Christian" home school support group meeting of almost a decade earlier!  No one, not even the husband of the woman who had asked me to join, took up for me.  But this time, I took up for myself.  I looked around the room at all my fair-weather friends and the lynch mob my neighbors seemed eager to join, and told them all off.  I laughed in their faces, got up and told them they were crazy and I didn't need this shit.  I walked out, and the chair made one more effort to grab my notebook as I walked out the door.  I am not making this up! At that point, one neighbor (whom I didn't even know) took up for me and told the guy to back off as that was assault and he was a witness.  God bless that man!

I guess it must have something to do with the stars, because everything was chill for another few years.  But about eight months ago, I was bullied again, this time by  a "man-o-gawd". I was bullied by the pastor of the Lutheran church that you have read me praise repeatedly in many posts over the past  few years.  I was always welcome, celebrated even, in my congregation, that is until I began to disagree with the pastor too many times.

Once the issue of civil unions for gay couples came up, (I am in favor of legal rights for all citizens, while the pastor is strongly against it) suddenly everything I said or did ruffled pastors feathers.  He would get really pissy with any comments I made on facebook that could possibly be taken the wrong way, and he had to really want to be offended to get there!  It was plain that he just didn't like me or trust my intentions anymore.  Moreover, the makeup of the whole congregation was changing.  People who I loved and admired were leaving, and new people (people who were offended by the ELCA ordaining gay clergy in committed relationships) were joining the church.  It was leaning decidedly toward fundamentalism more and more every week.

The final offence came last October. I was explaining the fallacy of guilty by association to a less-bright fellow parishioner on my facebook wall.  I support the Occupy movement, and someone had been raped in the Occupy Wall Street campground (after weeks of no problems, pretty impressive for NYC really!).  The other person had gleefully linked to the news article and posted it on my facebook wall with a comment that I was supporting rape.  I replied, pointing out that one person committing a crime did not make the protest itself nor any other protestor a bad person. I explained that this was the fallacy of "guilty by association". The example I gave was pointing out that even though someone from our church had been convicted of manslaughter, that didn't make everyone at our church out to be some kind of criminal too.

My pastor read that on my wall, and he was livid.  

Here is an email I wrote to an internet clergy shortly after the evening:

I only know you from your blog, but I appreciate you very much.  I am from <a midwestern state> and learned the foundation for everything I know about God from my <midwestern> roots.  As a child, I remember learning that Jesus was the main point of the Bible, the life and words of Christ were the lens through which all the rest of scripture was to be read.  As the Father God made clear on the Mount of  Transfiguration, Moses, the prophets and the apostles were nowhere near equal in status to Jesus, the Beloved Son.  I also am pretty clear on the idea that God wants a personal relationship with each of us, that the same Holy Spirit that dwells in me dwells in you, Jesus (not any other person) is the Head of the church and that He is also the Good Shepherd.  We have no need of any other person save the Person of Christ for our salvation.  Rather all of our relationships with other Christians flow out of obedience to Christ: He commands us to serve one another in love, to share communion, to bear one another’s burdens.  All in a believer’s life is to flow out of their personal walk with God, which of course includes personal worship, study and prayer.

But now, I can’t put my finger on where exactly I learned these ideas or why no one is teaching this anymore that I can see.

My dedication to Jesus and the Great Command has compelled me to some radical things lately-all involve listening to people.  I decided to stop deciding a matter before hearing both sides.  All of my knee-jerk positions on all the right wing political positions I had adopted were up for re-evaluation:  abortion, adoption, racial reconciliation, homosexuality, taxes, social programs, health care.  I listened to real stories from real people, and changed a lot of my political positions because of it, carefully measuring everything against the Word.  I have a 4.0 in twelve credits from Moody: Bible Study I, Old Testament Survey and New Testament Survey, plus countless hours of Community Bible Study, Bible Study Fellowship, Kay Arthur studies, Beth Moor studies, and innumerable other well-respected programs designed to teach one to “rightfully divide” the Bible.  My first purchase after rededicating my life to Christ in 1981 was a Strong's Concordance.  I am no intellectual lightweight either, carrying a 4.0 in all of my college classes, including the ones in which I am currently enrolled.

But now I have a great dilemma.  No  one minded my outspoken advocacy for the traditional religious right politics, but when I started caring about social issues from a more thoughtful position, people in my church became very uncomfortable with me.  It has culminated last night with my pastor calling me to rail about a facebook post I made supporting the Occupy movement.  While he had every right to call me and talk to me about anything he thinks might reflect unfavorably on his church (I don’t think it did but he sure felt very strongly about it), even ask me to remove it (which I did because of the passage to do all that lies with me to keep peace), he had no right to yell at me, talk over me and falsely accuse me of motives that he only assumed.  He wound up “rebuking” me for words I never spoke, and when I insisted I never said such things, he called me a liar.  Wow.  At that point I had to tell him he had crossed a line and I needed to end the conversation.

Now I finally get to my dilemma: obviously I am not welcome at my church.  Nor do I believe I have any spiritual obligation to let this man further abuse me.  He seems to think I owe him the privilege to yell at me and ascribe bizarre attitudes and motivations to me which are not mine because he is my pastor.  I am lucky in that when he called, my whole family was in the car and the call was picked up on Bluetooth.  Otherwise, it would be my word against his, but as it is, my husband and teen son are witnesses to all of it- his ranting and my reasonable calm responses.  We were all shocked.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.  I have heard of similar happening to other people, and I always wondered why they just didn’t leave and find a new church.  But now I do understand, because the odds of me finding a church that teaches the gospel as it was first presented to me is so small.  I don’t think I want to put myself through a long process of getting to know new pastors and congregations.  It is just no longer worth it to me.  I never thought I would ever, in a million years, become a walk-away from church.  Church attendance is supposed to be a place where we come together to worship our mutual Savior, share communion and pray for one another.

Well, it’s not your problem, and I don’t know why I am bothering you with this.  I guess it’s because you seem to genuinely care for the people loved by God.  It’s also, I think, a tellingly sad situation for the church in America when a person such as myself, avid attender and long time tither, just no longer wants to take a chance on American Christendom.  I home schooled, had daily devotions with my children, taught Sunday school and Bible studies, joined the small groups, took part in the missions, organized VBS- if it was a way to be involved in church, I have done it.

Sorry for taking so much of your time. Normally this is the sort of thing one would talk to a pastor about, but of course you can understand why that is not an option for me.

Shadowspring

So, here's the thing.  Not only has that man not apologized for ranting at me and calling me a liar, he never will.  He used to offer his phone at communion for anyone who wanted to make right a broken relationship, but breaking relationship with me is apparently okay by him.  He has offered communion to his congregation every Sunday since that last week of October, 2011, but my phone has never rung.  Apparently telling me off and ending our relationship doesn't bother his conscience at all.

Not only that, but when I made a member of the council aware of what happened, she cooly told me that she didn't hadn't asked to know.  Seriously, she meant it.  Our family disappearing bothers no one.  We can go to hell for all they care, as they know they represent the kingdom of God on earth and we are not welcome with them.  It's so....unChristlike, so heartless.

Anyway, it's only all coming back to me now because the congregation, including the pastor, is love-bombing a kid that I have loved like my own.  I have known this kid for eight years, stood by him every step of those eight years, included him in our lives like he was family, and the only reason anyone from that church knows this kid exists is because my family brought him to church with us.  I know they are love-bombing him with the intention of sucking him back into their congregation, but it hurts to see it.

It hurts even more that when I tried to talk to the kid about it, he basically told me that he didn't care how pastor had treated us.  That was none of his business.  The man hadn't done anything to him personally, and he appreciated the flattery and the offers of friendship. Love-bombing works; that's why cults/churches engage in it.

Wow.  I don't give a damn what happens to that pastor or that congregation, though the shadenfreude would be sweet if I ever hear of evil coming his way.  God knows the man deserves a comeuppance.  I gave ten per cent of my family income so he could make sweet money (almost double national average for pastor's salaries, though probably about average for my wealth-worshipping city) and drive a sweet ride (Mustang convertible, courtesy of church car allowance).  Once he had new sources of income (those taking their marbles and leaving the ELCA because they don't believe Jesus can love or bless gay relationships), he dumped us like a hot potato.  Love-bombing the kid they KNOW I count as a son is just adding insult to injury.

I know it's intentional too.  I know because they tried to do the same with my roomie Jai, but she didn't fall for it.  It is so ugly, and so wrong.

Why are God's people so effing mean?

Christianity is Not Imperative to Healing an Abusive Man's Heart

Well, I must respectfully disagree with the comment left by dorcas on my last post about "getting saved" being an imperative for a man learning to live without resorting to abuse. Honestly, if that DID work, the whole world would be turning to Christ.  But not only does "getting saved" NOT heal all the hurts of the past, for many raised in fundamentalism, dogma is used as a weapon to excuse abuse and heap shame on their children. That is how abusive men are created, by abusing little boys.

Nope, enlightenment may indeed by necessary, but Christianity is not the only means to connection with Love.  While as a Christian I believe Jesus is the only way to commune with God, I do not believe He is synonymous with Christianity.

The dogma (pray the sinners prayer, understand God hates you,foul sinner, and would burn you in hell if not for Jesus, you don't deserve mercy but God will pity you IF you become a fundamentalist and toe the line, hate what the religion hates, show up to services, give 10% of your money, read your Bible everyday) is a load of crap.

When Jesus spoke of being "born again" he said it was mysterious, unpredictable, and the rest of the world would only be able to tell it had happened because of the changes in a person's life. It sounds very mystical, akin to the Eastern term "enlightenment".

Fundamentalists have declared being "born again" VERY predictable (bow your head, repeat after me, teh magic spell, er, sinner's prayer, worked- you are now born again!), completely under the control of the person "praying" and (due to Finney's manipulative crowd control techniques) largely under the control of the preacher as well.

Nope, God reveals himself to honest seeker's by whatever means they are able to receive Him.  Jesus is not the errand boy of the fundagelical dogma masters.  The church likes to think it knows and can declare where the Spirit will move and under what conditions that is permissible, but you do not control God.

The fundamentalist, evangelical church makes a mockery of the gracious, loving heart of God.  It teaches its disciples that shame is ever present, and God hates sin (Which you are ALWAYS stepping in, loser! And if you don't agree then you're just full of pride, the stinkiest sin of all!) and the goal of the Christian life is (in practice, not necessarily doctrine) to avoid public shame.  That is the real bottom line.

For my husband to heal, it has meant NOT going to church and NOT reading his Bible. It is not more shaming (You *should* love your wife! The Bible demands it!  Bad Christian!) that is bringing healing to him. This is where Joel and Kathy are an epic fail. It is EMDR, science in action, that is healing my husband's broken heart.

It is not more fake, conditional acceptance for agreeing with all the right doctrines that is revealing real love to him.  It is a wife who will accept him no matter what, even if he becomes a full-on atheist, and a true friend from work who doesn't go to church at all.  Jesus with skin on.

Finding a way to break free of the mountain of shame fundamentalist Christianity laid on his young shoulders, that will end his compulsion to withdraw, sulk and seethe with resentment.  That's where the abuse comes from in his world: the rejection, shame and conditional love of fundamentalist missionary/preacher parents.  Their complete and total lack of interest in his thoughts and feelings is 100% responsible for why he ascribes that hardness of heart to his wife, and responds accordingly.  That they responded with violence to a young child(spanking, slapping, shaming!), abandoned him for religious reasons to boarding school as a young child, and the continual shaming, ugliness of that Christian boarding school, holding up the abusive system and abusive parents as saints of the highest order, THAT is WHY my husband is abusive!

Being born again some kind of magic cure, or even a necessary first step?  Only if by that you meant the mysterious connection with Love that Jesus spoke of and exemplified.  But by your comments, I think you mean praying the sinner's prayer and going regularly to church/reading your Bible daily to be given "marching orders".

Oh no.  That is why my husband is in so much pain buried under so much anger.  I do strongly disagree.

But this is actually good news!  This means wives of atheists, Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, Jews, pagans, Bahia, etc., can all have hope and find healing for their marriages as well!  God is no respecter of persons, and loves us all with an everlasting love, and WILL help you, when you reach out to Him, regardless of your religion.  And THAT God, the One revealed in the life and words of Christ himself, NOT the one Christians have created with their dogmas, is not a thin-skinned hater who won't help you if you don't get His name right.

Jesus is no Rumplestilskin.  His love is much greater than the fundamentalist/evangelicals come close to understanding.

The body of Christ?  If by that you mean organized Christianity, then it is NOT a beautiful thing at all.  It is a heartless, proud, demagogue.  But, if by the body of Christ, you mean those who love, then yes, the body of Christ is a beautiful thing.

God does and will continue to bless me, so thanks for the kind closing.  I wish the same for you, and do honestly hope your husband finds the healing he needs to live a life of love.  Demanding he do so DOES NOT WORK.  EMDR to heal the traumas of the past, learning to reject the inner script of shame and ridicule, finding the courage to share his thoughts and feelings and THEN finding acceptance and love when he does: these things are necessary to healing.  Not ascribing to a religious creed.

Marriage Help for Christian Wives?

Recently it came to my attention that  I have a distant relative who is currently dealing with an abusive marriage.  With the hard turn toward the extreme patriarchal right that the evangelical church has taken recently, I am surprised that only *one* distant relative is dealing with this issue.  The doctrine of wifely submission creates an abusive scenario, even when husbands are determined to be loving partners.  See this blog post: Poison for my Marriage for my thoughts on that subject.

I was wondering where I would suggest this relative turn for help.  The ministry I once lauded, Joel and Kathy Davisson's Marriage Intensive has backed down off of their groundbreaking focus that abusive husbands are much more common in the Christian world than anyone dare mention out loud, and that emotional abuse unchecked never goes away or gets better on its own.  The have replaced the Life Skills movie (see next paragraph) with the propaganda piece Fireproof, just another "get saved and all your problems are solved" story that offers no help at all for the biggest problem-born again Christian men who are emotionally, verbally, economically, and in some cases physically abusive.

Joel Davisson was actually set straight himself by Paul Hegstrom of  Life Skills International.  I guess I would first recommend that a person in an abusive marriage order the video Unforgiveable from Life Skills International.  Unforgiveable is a made for television movie chronicling the story of how Paul Hegstrom came to finally admit he was an abusive man, and it tells the beginning of the story of the long (seven years long) process of healing and recovery it took to win back his wife Judy's hand in marriage again.  What is missing from the movie that is most significant, in my opinion, is that Paul Hegstrom was a Christian.  In fact, he was a preacher before taking up the position as car salesman that is portrayed in the movie.

Getting "saved" can't possibly change a man who is already "saved" before he gets married, and subsequently begins abusing his wife in any of the myriad ways a husband can abuse a wife.  Nope, he needs all kinds of help, starting most importantly with recognizing that he is an abuser of women.  I used to recommend Joel and Kathy's seminar as a great place to get that process started (people coming out of denial tend to retreat back into denial any chance they get, so it's a process!), because they were very adamant about holding the husband responsible when I was there in 2008.  I just don't know if this is true anymore.

Coming out of denial is an imperative first step, but it is only the first step.  The next  step is of course getting an abuser the help he needs to change.  Counselors can be good, but they can also become mere enablers.  I would never trust a "Christian" counselor to offer any real help in a marriage with an abusive husband.  The doctrine known as "complementarianism" or "wifely submission" is used by abusive men as justification for their feelings of entitlement that allow them to belittle their wives inwardly.  These inner thoughts about the wife as inferior, incompetent, unrealistic, a lesser being in the eyes of God, etc. occur first, and later are manifested through words (or silence) or behaviors that are intended to wound the wife- either emotionally or sometimes actually physically.  So most "Christian" counseling will be worthless.  Suffering in silence, submitting and merely relying on prayer to turn the situation around is useless at best, deadly in a worst case scenario.

I contacted Life Skills by email, and they were able to put me in touch with local help for my husband.  I was lucky enough to live in a large city with help nearby.  Most of the United States does not have Life Skills workshops going on nearby.  If you or someone you know needs help, get in touch with Life Skills.  If there is nothing close, pay the money to go to Colorado for whatever help they can offer.  It is imperative that the counselor you seek help from be well-trained in dealing with domestic abuse.  If they counselor is looking for a 50-50 split of responsibility for the marriage problems, stop going.  Such counsel will make the problem worse, as the abusive spouse will use it to excuse their behavior.

While my husband was completing this twenty-some odd group learning experience sponsored by Life Skills at a local church, I was reading everything I could get my hands on.  I purchased an expensive but very helpful book, /Passive-Aggression: A Guide for Therapist, Patient and Victim.  This helped me to understand how I was willingly being a part of the sado-masochistic emotional turmoil my husband was instigating at times.  I began to look for my own therapist.  I put it off for so long, because I knew that if I started my own personal counseling, I might conclude that the best choice for me was to leave the marriage.  When I was finally okay with that possibility, I was ready to start my own therapy.

I looked into EMDR (at www.emdr.org ) to help me deal with the PTSD caused by my husband's aggression.  That therapist (rightly) ascertained that my husband also probably had PTSD from his parents' abandoning him for their careers when he was so young, as well as from their authoritarian parenting style and avoidant (non-)communication style.  We started out seeing the same therapist, but that didn't work out.  So, he got custody of the original therapist, and I found another.

It's been two years now.  I will see my therapist for the last regular visit next week.  He will likely continue in therapy longer, as he still has more traumatic events to deprogram.  We both have left fundagelical thinking behind and are opening our hearts and lives to healthier, more authentic Christianity.  He doesn't got to church anymore; I'm still looking for one.  We have decided to love our children as they are, even though they are not living in all aspects the ideals who strenuously taught them when they were younger.  They love God and they love people.  I am proud of  them, and happy to have them in my life.

My opinions on so many things have not changed, and yet my allegiances certainly have changed.  On this journey to health and wholeness, I have learned so many things.  A woman who allows herself to be mistreated WILL be mistreated, but a women who demands RESPECT will be respected.  Marriage doesn't supercede any command of Christ.  The apostle Paul may have lived at a crucial time in history and written a lot of letters to the early church which they treasured enough to preserve, but he is not infallible and he is not the Son of God.  That honor belongs to Jesus alone.

I have a friend who suffers from a passive-aggressive abusive husband.  She relied entirely on Joel and Kathy's teachings, which failed her.  She was unwilling to seek secular counseling, or even to understand that her husband's arrested development could not be overcome by sheer will power.  She refused to start on the path to independence; refused to turn her back on the doctrines that have created a largely dysfunctional family dynamic; refused to understand that while she is not responsible for her husband's abuse, she IS responsible for allowing herself to remain vulnerable to his abuse.  She is in the middle of a divorce she initiated (but only as a manipulative measure which back-fired), her children have all been forced to take sides, she has no way to provide for herself but government assistance and reliance on her abusive husband. It's pretty easy to see that this will not turn out well for her, at least it is plain to everyone BUT her.

The main difference between our stories is that I sought counseling from all kinds of sources till I found what actually worked for us.  I did not buy in to religious ideology as the key to a successful marriage.  I was willing to admit that after twenty years of following the religious advice devotedly, it was a bust. I was also more than willing to leave my husband if he found himself unable or unwilling to live the life of love I believe marriage should encompass.  I also accepted responsibility for the reality that I had *let* things get this bad by my "submission", so it wasn't all my husband's fault.  I recognized that my own PTSD issues were making healing the marriage difficult, so I got my own help for that too.  All the while, I never stopped insisting that I loved my husband, wanted the best for us both, and was willing to give him time (five years in fact) to get it together.  We are now in the fourth year, and things are steadily improving.

That's our journey, but I don't know how to help a young couple  steeped in fundamentalism to get out of the abuse trap, other than to recommend a visit to Life Skills International's web site. Does anyone else know of any truly useful resources for Christian marriages affected by abuse?

Great Link about PTSD/EMDR and past abuse

Post Traumatic Stress: what it is (biology), what makes it worse and what helps it heal.

HUGE shout out of thanks to Cindy Kunsman for posting this!  Girlfriend, you are doing so much good in the world.   You teach us so much about our brains and why we experience so much pain from spiritual and emotional abuse.  I can't thank you enough for your web site.  You have blessed more people than you will ever know.  Stay strong sister, and know you are very dearly loved!

Family Idols

Read this
and then go watch this and tell me,
how the hell did this happen?

Missionary Kid Abandonment Centers aka 'boarding schools"

Why on earth do religious workers believe there are special rules, or rather special exemptions, that apply to them? No where in the Bible does it ever once say that there is a lesser standard for people with good religious intentions. In fact, the last time I looked it said they would be "under the greater condemnation", i.e. scrutinized and held to a higher standard.

Religious workers should welcome that scrutiny. They should expect that scrutiny. It should be pretty obvious going in to that career field that if you are going to go claiming God told you to do this or go there or say these words, you will be held to a higher standard.

One of my HUGE beefs with the career field of fundamentalist missionaries is the child abandonment they practiced, nay demanded, because of their high-falutin' airs that their career was more important to Jesus than the hearts of their children.

Or in other words, their obedience to their interpretation of the command "go into all the world and preach the gospel, teaching them to observe all I have commanded you" seemed so grand and noble in their eyes as to exempt them from keeping the command they were supposed to be teaching: love one another as I have loved you (John 13:34).

This same Jesus, who welcomed the little children and told us to do so- this same Jesus who recommended we endeavor to emulate the simple, completely dependent trust of little children (Matthew 18:2, Mark 9:36-37,Mark 10:13-15, Luke 9:47-48, Luke 10:21, Luke 18:15-17)- this same Jesus who warned the disciples to treat children well ("do not despise one of these little ones") because "their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. (Matthew 18:10-11)- this Jesus of whom the Bible teaches, NEVER commanded or called anyone to practice child neglect and abandonmentso they could be freed up to do religious work.

How do you convince yourself that could even be a possibility?

Pride, pride and more pride about being called to make so great a sacrifice, no doubt.

The only trouble is that it was not their lives they were sacrificing to the call, but their children's lives.

In some cases that would be literal. For most, it was "merely" their spiritual, emotional, and psychological well being. It's pretty easy to sacrifice other people's well-being. It doesn't hurt you much at all, maybe a twinge of conscience now and then.

I have complete compassion for missionary parents duped by their cult leaders into believing that God demanded this sacrifice from them and their children. I have heard of parents crying in anguish over the cruelty of this practice.

But for every missionary parent who still wants to claim they did the right thing, SHAME ON YOU!!

Your children's lives were not yours to sacrifice!

I hear much pro-life noise from the same quarters, about the sacred responsibility of motherhood. Does that only apply to the child in utero? Is not motherhood/parenthood, a lifelong calling and vocation?

Jesus wanted to gather the Jews in Jerusalem under his wings like a mother hen. Why is that maternal instinct missing or stifled in the women who claim to represent Jesus in foreign fields?

God is represented by Jesus as a loving Father. What does that mean if Christian fathers send their children away? That our Father God is also unconcerned with us once we have been alive a few years? Why would any Indian want the white man's "father God" when Christian fatherhood is distant, remote and unconcerned?

And why would any tribal person see God's sacrificing His Son as any big deal? The missionaries, who represent God, don't care for their children much. They send them away as a matter of course. Giving up something you don't care much for is no big deal.

Who thought this practice of separating children from their families "in the name of Jesus" was ever smart? They didn't think too deeply about the issue apparently. The practice of sending their children away cheapened their whole message to the tribal peoples in more than one way.

And the message to their children? Well, that's the worst part of all. We know that in a child psychological development, everything that happens in the world is their doing. It's all their fault, if you will. Logical explanations don't dent this belief in a young child's heart.

These are the sorts of messages that filter through a young MKs heart when he first arrives at boarding school:

My parents sent me away because I'm no good now that I'm older.

The kids in the dorm make fun of my tears and call me names because my feelings are repulsive.

God sent me here because He loves the tribe more than me. I'm just in God's way.

If I complain, God will send the tribe to hell, and it will be my fault.

I'm stupid because I can't get my chores done right.

I hate myself for being so stupid that I am late/in trouble/in the way/unloved.

I just finished Rob Bell's book Love Wins, and mostly the author merely reminds us over and over again of Who Jesus Is. He never says there isn't a hell, though he poses many questions about scripture and what is actually recorded there and he speculates about the nature and duration of hell in light of Who Jesus Is.

But it was Jesus who said that drowning would be preferable to the punishment awaiting those who offend little ones who believe in Jesus. Sounds like hell to me! Yikes!

All those missionary parents made double sure their children believed in Jesus. Too bad they didn't make double sure not to offend them as well.

Spring Break

So I have been sleeping in every day this week so far. It's been sweet.

My term paper is written, so yeah. I just need to let it sit and stew in it's own juices for a bit, have my editor give it a read, go back once more and see if I still like it, and turn it in.

When school returns, I have two more Module Tests and three Finals, plus a couple of smallish papers to write. Wish me well. With the program I am applying for, there is a huge point differential between an A and a B,and the applicants with the highest points get in. So, I really do need the A over the B if possible. With both PreCalc and MedLegal my A is in the bag, but I still am too close to the line in HumanAnatPhys to be relaxed about it. So, those of you who pray for me, keep praying.

I got my titers back for my vaccinations, and my doctor says I'm good. All I need to do now is take all my papers in to sign up for the CNA classes this summer. It's looking good so far. Thanks for all your support, cyberfriends. It means the world to me.

I don't yet have a new EMDR therapist, but I am on someone's waiting list. I think I would rather just wait it out for this person to be available than take someone my former practitioner recommended. I am still considering writing to the state licensing board for clinical social workers about my experience. I do have the contemporaneous record of my blog to keep the dates more or less straight. On the other hand, I am a very busy person with a lot of my plate, and it is not even close to the top of the prioritized list of things I need to accomplish.

I am still torn between hope and realism, as far as my marriage is concerned. So many people are urging me to leave,immediately if not sooner, but I do not feel that sense of urgency. I also doubt myself, if I am making the right decision to move slowly but steadily toward independence, giving my husband time to heal to the point we can live a life of love together, or, if that doesn't happen, being thoughtful, proactive and reliable for myself. I think on occasion of women who have been seriously hurt by PTSD husbands. I know they must have felt safe enough too, or they wouldn't have remained in the relationship that long. Surely a part of them thought that their husband would never cross the line to heinous violence/murder, or they would have left before then. So I do sometimes wonder if I am only kidding myself, but I also trust that God will keep me safe.

The thought of doing anything hastily really bugs me. I don't want to be pushed into action by circumstances or the behavior of others. I have been married twenty-three years. For many of them, the only difference between now and then is that I have woken up to the truth that it's not my fault my husband behaves/thinks the way he does. I now know I have absolutely no control over the man's inner life, and in fact have rarely been aware of what that really is. I *thought* I knew who he was, because of the assumptions I made. Now I know that I truly am not the issue here, and that all the good will in the world on my part guarantees nothing. Sobering, but at least the playing field is now level. It was so confusing for so many years.

I *thought* that we meant the same things by the same words, especially what it means to follow Jesus. I have discovered that was never true. Fundamentalism sounds good, but they do not mean the same things by the same words I understand the Bible to be saying. They have hidden meanings and unspoken rules that negate the actual commands of Christ and turn them into something different. For example, "love one another as I have loved you" turns out to not be so loving.

First of all, the fundamentalist Jesus burns most people who have ever lived in hell for all eternity- not very loving,eh? My experience of the gospel is that it was the good news that God has removed all barriers between God and man, that He freely forgives and wants to lavish His kindness on us through Christ Jesus. "Just as I Am" and "Amazing Grace" actually meant something good to me.

The MKs experience of the gospel is that God will burn the Indians in hell forever if your parents don't lay down their lives to translate the Bible for them. This is serious business! So serious, little child, that your need for parental love and attention pales in comparison. Small child, you may need love, but if your parents give you the love and attention you need, those Indians will burn in hell forever! Forever, young child! You don't want the Indians to burn in hell FOREVER, do you? DO you?!?! How could you be so selfish?! Shame, shame, shame on you young child. ps God loves you. Your parents love you. Now be a good boy and go away and keep your needs quiet or GOD WILL BURN THESE INDIANS IN HELL FOREVER AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!

Another huge difference between my faith vocabulary and fundamentalist faith vocabulary is what Jesus meant by the commandment to love one another. For me, that means both to feel (compassion, kindness, pity, remorse, longing for security/healing/kindness to come to your brother) and to act in ways that bring good (comfort, provision, healing, understanding) to others. It is both a feeling and an action that is directed toward wanting/accomplishing good for others.

Fundamentalism dismisses such notions as silly sentimentality. In the letter of John the apostle (this proof text only works if you take the verse completely out of context, which they do!) the Bible says that we know we love the brethren when we obey the commands of God. So a fundamentalist never need feel compassion, or long for relief or comfort for another, because they attend church regularly, memorize Bible verses, believe the right doctrines and don't smoke, cuss, drink or dance. That's how they can KNOW they love the brethren. They obey what they believe to be the commands of God, so they never need experience (i.e. "feel" equals bad to fundamentalists) emotions that resemble what the rest of the world calls compassion or love for another. They can rest assured that even without ever feeling anything resembling that for other humans or ever acting in ways that relieve the pain and suffering of others, they do "love the brethren" because they are obedient fundamentalists.

Ugh.

I hope you can see why my frustration with my husband is tempered by my compassion for the lies with which he was raised. I will lay out both arguments so that you can see what goes on in my head, and why I am willing to stay until my education is completed and I am self-sufficient. It both gives him time to heal, and keeps my from denying my own value system (i.e. love my neighbor as myself).

Common experience says abusive men rarely change. This is undeniably true.

On the other hand, my husband has taken a lot of actions others husband's never take. He attended a 26 week Life Skills course and went to the Davison's Marriage Intensive. He is in therapy, which is something his family would NEVER condone. And he is on anti-depressants, another huge defiance of the family rules which say medications are for the weak, and are mostly unnecessary.

But back to common experience, this work has been going on for two years and he still allows himself days/weeks of reverting to the old resentments and hatreds. This should not be.

Again on the other hand, he is actually doing more on his own lately that is in keeping with the Life Skills/Davisson's advice. He is watching the Davisson's videos at lunch. I printed off a checklist from this site and he knows I read it everyday. He says he reads it every day. He says he meditates on positive statements about me while he walks on the treadmill most days after work. I have seen the paper. He is reading Rob Bells' book Love Wins- the most non-fundie book of all time, full of questions about the character and words of Christ, rather than an answer book interpreting everything for you so you don't have to think, fundie-style.

Common experience says all this is just forestalling the inevitable. The man's psyche is truly warped by his fundamentalist upbringing, and I don't know if it's possible for him to change enough to be fully alive to love in this lifetime, much less in two years. When he wants to be healed, he really wants to be healed. I do believe that much is true. He just doesn't always want to be healed.

The psychological land mines his family's religion have placed within his soul are SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS. All other abused, neglected hurt children can turn to Jesus for healing, but MKs? They were taught that Jesus decreed their neglect! He grew up believing that the emotional and physical distance his parents kept from him WAS love! He grew up ignored and that was explained to him as the very definition of LOVE. As a young child at boarding school, being bullied at worst/ignored at best by house parents and other missionary kids was NORMAL. Any attempts to get his needs met were shamed as selfish, unforgiving, or rebellious.

How is there hope for this man to learn to live loved?

And yet, with God all things are possible. Jesus has done so much for me that other people believe impossible. And so I keep praying and asking God to give my husband a revelation of who He really is! A vision, or a revelatory dream, or something that will break through all the religious lies and reveal the loving, gracious heart of God.

And that is how I have decided to keep working toward financial independence and not just leave now. I am asking the God of all hope to deliver my husband's soul from the religious darkness that obscures his vision of who Jesus really is. I am giving the gift of time to my husband, hoping against hope he will grab onto Jesus and plunge headlong into grace.

If that's even possible. All the words have been tainted by fundamentalist lies, so that grace means "ability to keep the law" instead of extravagant love. Forgiveness means "keep your resentments well hidden" because talking about a grievance is "unforgiveness" to my husband's fundamenatalist family. So according to their fundamentalist upside down religion, the person wronged has the responsibility to suck it up or be accused of the heinous sin of unforgiveness. They ignore Leviticus 19: 17-18 and Jesus command to rebuke our brother who offends us. In avoiding all appearance of evil (which fundamentalist treat as the greatest command of all!) the hide evil in their hearts and that is considered righteous.

So time will tell. These three faith, hope and love, remain.

Commandments of Men

I am so busy with school, both mine, and home schooling my amazing intelligent, good-natured son, that my poor blog is being neglected. *sigh*

I am even behind on my blog reading, which I myself can hardly believe, as much as I love my cyber-haunts and the people who populate them. So today I will just link to one of my favs, Commanments of Men. Read and learn!

Deify or Defy?

What should be the proper response of a believer to an other who wants to claim for themselves the title of gatekeeper to God for that person? Is not complying with that demand giving to that mere mortal equivalence with God himself? If this mere mortal claims the right and responsibility to interpret Scripture, issue edicts, demand total submission and obedience, are they not putting themselves in the position of God himself?

What blasphemy! What arrogance! And yet, whole ministries and families run on these very presuppositions. Not only so, but they market the ideology and ensuing lifestyle to others. It is an extremely profitable business, if the Vision Forum full color catalog and the prices of their wares are directly related to the success of their venture. Big bucks are flowing into the idolaters coffers.

It all comes down to this for the children of patriocentric homes: deify or defy.

Deify your father, ascribe to him all the rights and privileges of God Almighty, live as if his words are the edicts of the Most High, in other words, commit blatant idolatry... or defy him.

Just say no. In that simple act of honesty, "no, daddy, you are not god", the children of these homes face an emotional cruelty that mirrors the excommunications the Roman Catholic authorities handed out to those who dared defy their claims to supreme authority acting as the sole representative of God on earth.

I have seen and read with my own eyes, listened with my own ears, of multiples stories of excommunication. Daughters who just say no to idolatry are cut-off from their families "for their own good". Just like the Catholic church excommunicated Martin Luther for defying their idolatrous claims to power and authority, these daughters (and sons) are sent edicts, damning them to hell in some cases, cutting them off completely from all love and fellowship with their families in all cases. And like the devout Catholics of the seventeenth century hated the Protestants and joined in the persecution of those "rebels", followers of patriocentricity band together to ostracize and persecute the faithful believers who have just said no to Daddy, casting them out with the dreaded charge of "rebel" as in days gone by.

I never thought I would see the day when the evangelical community so closely resembled the Roman Catholic church of the Middle Ages. Everything that was wrong with the Roman Catholic church then, all that our fore-fathers struggled against, is now repackaged as "the true faith" and sold in glossy catalogs, wholesome-looking web sites, promoted by fresh-scrubbed speakers at well-attended modern convention centers and parroted by a world of wannabes looking to be included in the esoteric circles of the truly committed. The office of "priest" is now conferred upon daddy, but all of the power ascribed to the role remains the same.

Deify or defy. Idolatry or obedience. Traditions of men or the terrifying leap of faith into the holy wild with Jesus.

To all of my sister in Christ who have chosen Jesus over Daddy, even though it meant excommunication and exile from all you have known and loved, you are in good company. I know that Jesus will never fail you nor forsake you, and life will be a grand adventure as you go from glory to glory with the Lord leading every step of the way.

Mark 10: 29 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.

You made the right choice.

Biblical Economics in Comics: A Home School Mom's Review

*This post will be edited at a later date for clarity, style, spelling, grammar and punctuation. I am extremely busy IRL but just had to get this out there!

Many years ago (6? 8? 10?), back when I still frequented home school conventions every chance I got, I first came across this book. I was thrilled at the concept of a complicated subject presented in comics. I had a gifted student for whom I was always on the lookout for fun-loving ways to introduce higher concepts. Having already purchased A Cartoon Guide to Physics on a previous shopping spree, I didn't even look at this book before whipping out my wallet and adding it to the home school treasure trove known as my learning library. Besides, Vic Lockman was a famous catroonist. I was familiar with his work because I grew up reading newspapers. Smugly I placed it on my library shelf when I got home, knowing I had my students' future educational needs already covered.

Middle school days arrived sooner than expected, but I did not panic. I was well prepared. We had spent years learning world and American history, so once our state history had been duly taught, learned and mastery quantified, it was time to move on to civics and economics. I searched the social studies sections of my book stash to see what I had available so I could plan a unit study on economics. I smiled broadly as I rediscovered my long ago purchase, Biblical Economics in Comics by Vic Lockman.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, grabbed a spiral notebook for planning out exactly how I would present the contents of the book, and settled down for what I thought would be a comfy read. After only a few pages, though, my opinion of this book, Vic Lockman and the vendor from whom I made my purchase, went through a radical revision. And I do mean radical.

You see, I was still living in a spiritual wonderland where I believed that everything described by the adjective "Biblical" would actually be wholesome evangelical doctrine, safe and nutritious as mother's milk. Surely it would glorify the Lord Jesus Christ and his finished work of atonement on the cross. It must have been written to draw people closer to the Lord of Love, the God of Grace, the Shepherd's leading of the Spirit of God. It would be full of things that were "true,...noble,...right,...pure,...lovely,...admirable,...excellent,...praiseworthy" in keeping with Philippians 4:8. That was my naive assumption.

Instead I opened up a book that was base, mean-spirited, ugly, opinionated and not at all praiseworthy. In shock, I kept reading, like one stares in fascination at an infected wound. How can this exist in the world?! Who lets this happen?!

By the time I was done with this little tome, and I read it cover to cover, though not without many outraged interjections to my husband ("Honey you won't believe what he says next!), I decided to keep it on my library shelf. It is the single best example of propaganda I have ever come across, and I have used it as such in my civics courses ever since. I even have my students write essays explaining how the propogandist Vic Lockman uses style (cartoons seem wholesome, innocent), caricaturization (the way he draws the "bad" characters versus the "good" characters), demonization of entire classes of people (those working for the government, called "beaurarats" and drawn as rats; people using government assistance as all lazy con-artists), misrepresenting opposing ideas (portraying economists promoting government spending as economic stimulus as heartlessly promoting vandalism in order to stimulate spending) and worst of all, denying the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ by calling for a theocracy in America based on the Old Testament system of law as "Biblical".

I kid you not.

Jesus said plainly that his kingdom was not of this world, and told Pilate that if it were he would have led his followers to war in order to establish his earthly kingdom, but He did not. The Savior of the world was never interested in setting up a political realm where people were forced by law to obey the Bible. Instead, he went about doing good and healing all that were oppressed of the devil. He even plainly pointed out the deficiency of the law when he said, "You have heard it is written...but I say unto you..." several times in his Sermon on the Mount. The apostles later reiterated by the power of the Holy Spirit that the kingdom of God is not "meat or drink" but "righteousness peace and joy in the Holy Spirit".

Theonomy is blasphemy against the Lord Jesus Christ, and this little cartoon guide promotes this blasphemy unabashedly. Be warned, home school parents!

For years I have been using this book as an example of propaganda at home, and occasionally posting about my experience with it on various online forums, but without every bothering to go look up the title and author from the shelf and naming names. What prompts this post now, you may wonder? I saw a full color Vision Forum catalog yesterday, and there in living color this poison little propaganda booklet is prominently featured. If I had the catalog in my possession, I would give out the page number.

Be warned away from this blasphemous book, home school moms who love Jesus! Don't be fooled by the innocent presentation of the comic format, there is poison inside. Jesus did not come to set up a political kingdom on earth, but to transform hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit, given to all who call on His name for mercy and life.

* If the temptation to attempt utopia on earth by promoting a "Biblical" theonomy appeals to you at all, run out and find a copy of Margaret Atwood's A Handmaid's Tale and Albert Marrin's Stalin: Russia's Man of Steel . Read them both repeatedly until you are cured of your idealistic fantasy about the power of government to bring heaven on earth.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I can't believe I am up typing at 5:00 am. I have been up since 3:00 am. This doesn't happen to me often. I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time.

Holidays are often such stressful times for people because of family of origin issues. I don't usually have much trouble with those, seeing as how I am a grown adult with a family of my own. However, my twin sister being so seriously ill complicates things a lot. It has drawn me into the outskirts of family of origin complications, and that's why I can't sleep tonight.

Scapegoat.

It's a Biblical term, you know. Once a year, the High Priest would lay his hands on the scape goat, pronounce the sins of the people over the goat as he laid hands on it, and then the goat would be led into the wilderness and abandoned.

As the Priest turned his back on the goat and walked away, he was walking away from the responsibility for the sin of the people. None of them would be held responsible. It was all the goat's fault at that point.

In my family, I am that goat.

I didn't volunteer for this role, I assure you. Neither did my twin sister, who shares the role with me because of the misfortune of being born a twin.

Talking to her recently, I also was reminded just how negatively my family of origin chooses to view me. My oldest sister, whom I once asked for temporary shelter if I needed to leave the marriage, is spreading this confidential news all over the family of origin relationship sphere. Of course she puts her own twist on it.

In her version, I am melodramatic and just crying for attention. Plus, if there actually IS any problems in my marriage, they are all my fault. I am lying about my husband, he would never hurt me. I am an evil, vindictive person out to destroy a good man. *sigh*

I can't believe I trusted her.

Well, for all of you who pray, please pray for protection for my very sick twin sister. I was surprised when the whole family came together to help support her in her time of illness. Our family is so ungodly, though very religious, so any practical compassion on their part is a true testament that the forces of good are at work in the earth!

They are still one screwed up dysfunctional family though, with a history of blaming everything on the twins, perpetual scapegoats that we are. One the one hand they do currently provide financial support for my (very sick) twin. On the other hand the last time my oldest sister visited her in person, she accused her of faking her illness.

She made these accusations publicly and with a great deal of anger. Talk about kicking a person when they are down. It was wicked. It was cruel. It was destructive. It was ugly.

But she is the one who holds the purse-strings. What can my twin do? She is completely at the mercy of my oldest sister.

So here's the bad news: my oldest sister hasn't spoken to me since she freaked out on me almost a year ago. She had just returned from a visit to my mom's, which seemed to take her right back into the old family role of mom's co-abuser.

Now she is going back to visit my mom again, and intends to then immediately go see my twin sister. I am terrified for my twin. At the very least she will be verbally and emotionally abused during this visit. Don't suggest I am just being negative; I know these people well.

But at worst, my oldest sister is about to abandon her again. It is entirely likely that she is going to announce that the rest of the family is tired of financially supporting my twin. She will probably tell my twin that the Lyme disease is her fault somehow. Likely my oldest sister will hint it is all in my twin's head, and if my twin would just try harder to be well, she would be. Maybe my oldest sister will outright accuse my twin of faking it, like she did to her on her last visit.

I know how my family works. If they want to stop supporting her financially, they will do it in such a manner that they can blame my twin. They will torment her until she breaks, and then spread the news amongst themselves about how ungrateful and hostile my twin was, and after all they did for her! They will tell themselves that my twin doesn't deserve their support. They will try to torment her to the point that my twin herself will refuse their money.

I say "try" because that is not an option for my twin. She is permanently disabled by Lyme disease. She can not work. I think she is still getting government disability, but that is a paltry sum. She is on Medicaid, but then Medicaid doesn't cover Lyme disease. The government health care doesn't acknowledge that chronic Lyme exists, even though Americans die from it every year.

We send her rent money every month. My younger sister pays her prescriptions. My older sister pays her private health insurance. Even my NPD mom chips in, surprisingly.

My older sister organized all this, in her moments of Christian conviction, about the same time that she reconciled with me. Of course those days are over now, and I am afraid that all the Christian charity has dried up as well.

SO PLEASE PRAY FOR MY TWIN!!

I am asking God to heal her, as I have been all along, but no miracle has been forthcoming yet. Maybe if you join your prayers with mine?

Pray that God will turn my oldest sister's heart: that she will not be able to go see my sister immediately after visiting my mom. That's is the absolute worst-case scenario for my twin.

Pray that God will stir up the hearts of my family once again to true Christian love. It was a miracle the first time. It would absolutely rock my world if He would do it again.

Can you hear me now, God? Out here in the exiled wilderness where the scapegoats go? Does anyone else hear me? If you will join me in prayer, please leave a comment. I am so in need of hope this morning. Maybe God will come through for my precious twin if we all pull together in prayer?

I feel rather puny right now. ~SS

My Own Olive

Yesterday was bitter sweet for me. I had a wonderful relaxing low key Thanksgiving with my husband, children and a good friend. We feasted and laughed and life was good. We don't have much in the way of leftovers, just some turkey and of course the vegetables. As much as we love them, if the leftovers for grazing are cold vegetables versus cold pumpkin pie, it's a no-brainer.

After dinner we watched a movie about family loyalty, Little Miss Sunshine. Take that, my fundie upbringings! There is more real love and loyalty in the final scene of that movie than I think I ever experienced in the totality of my life growing up in my (self-) righteous "Christian" fundamentalist family. It is quite a contrast.

So after the movie, my dear friend, whom I admire greatly, found the cajones to make a difficult phone call. Her life, her story so I won't elaborate here, except to say that I found it inspiring. I decided to make a difficult phone call myself.

I had been thinking about my twin sister and praying for her more than usual. (Back story here.) I always hesitate to call, because she is gravely, chronically ill and I do not want to be the person to wake her up just as she has finally fallen to sleep. It's safer to e-mail.

An email is just not the same as a human voice, though. Sometimes the payoff is worth the risk, so, following my friend's example, I picked up the phone and made the call. I didn't even get her voice mail. The phone just kept ringing so I assumed she was on another call and hung up. I resolved to try again later, and by later I meant another day. I don't think she can handle two phone calls in one day.

Well, to my surprise, she called me back later. We would up talking for almost three hours. I consider it one of my finest achievements of the year that she was actually laughing when we got off the phone. If I accomplish nothing better this year, my life counted for something good in that moment. She deserves to laugh and experience joy in this life.

Most of the two hours was not overflowing with laughter. She is truly ill, and that is a reality that hangs ominously like a dark cloud over every moment of her life. It IS her life right now, unfortunately. All of her energy is focused on getting well, getting treatment, fighting the ignorance and indifference of overworked medical staff, struggling against the insurance establishment, and then underlying it all, the abandonment, rejection and vilification from her effed up family of origin is still there.

I hate what fundamentalism did to my sister. I realize that is was just one of many tools that my NPD mother used to dominate and control us, but the weapon itself is still nasty, really destructive. My twin is one of those who went through the terror of believing the rapture had taken place and she was left behind. Damn that horrid movie A Thief in the Night. Understandably, having been abandoned at birth to the hospital preemie ward, then abandoned by mom completely when sent to live with my Grandma, and abandoned by our biological father by the age of two years old, abandonment was already her biggest fear and greatest source of pain.

For those of you not in the know, the "rapture" was made up by Americans in the 1700-1800s. It was never a traditional Christian doctrine, i.e. the apostles who walked with Jesus never taught it. It remains a great tool for terrifying people to convert to a semblance of Christianity, a la "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God", and it is an especially great tool for controlling people once they "get saved". Walk that line, people, or get abandoned by Jesus right when the world starts to get the ugliest it has ever been!

(For the record, the gospel message is the opposite of Jonathan Edwards and his manipulating sermon. Jesus came to seek and save those separated from the loving heart of God. He came to reconcile us to God. Jesus tore the veil separating us from the Divine Presence of the Holy Trinity. The Father sent Jesus to us, to show us the Father and because the Father so LOVED us! God is not disgusted by you, and anyone who tells you different is a liar. (All of this is in the Bible, plain as day, but I will not thump you with references here. Email me at to_shadowspringATyahooDOTcom if anyone wants the references. Be warned that if you want to merely argue doctrine, I have no time for you.)

Rejection was my twin sister's earliest emotional experience, so of course when a preacher one day told her that God planned to burn her in hell for all eternity, but if she would walk the aisle and pray this prayer, then God would relent and not punish her forever, she fearfully, tearfully made her way down the aisle. It was no hard sell to convince her that God rejected her as she was. That preacher had it easy on that count. The gospel of grace, though, the truth that Jesus will never fail us or forsake us? The truth that Jesus will never reject anyone who comes to Him? She was never able to rest in that. My twin sister couldn't really trust that His love was steadfast, unfailing, totally secure. She was never fully assured that He wouldn't snatch back his offer of mercy at any moment.

The Baptist proclivity for Finney style hard-sell high-pressure audience response techniques did nothing to assure my sister of God's love. In fact, re-dedications were almost as rewarding to the preachers as first time salvation responses. They worked that angle all the time, your need to "get right with God". For the insecure and the wounded it just muddled up what little true gospel had gotten into their message even further. Just thinking about fundamentalist doctrine upsets me, so let's just leave that bitter taste behind and get on to the sweet, shall we?

I was able to tell my sister that I loved her and that I accepted her as a sister in Christ, even without the fundamentalist trappings. Like many of our most vulnerable and weak in society, she talks to God all the time. She relies on Him to get her through each day, and is continually asking Him for help. She has an awareness of His presence and His love (thank God!) but it does hurt her to know that our fake Christian family rejects her as a heretic because she left fundamentalism behind so long ago.

I am just really really grateful that Jesus is not defined by fundamentalist doctrine. I am really really grateful that the Holy Spirit of the Living God doesn't take orders from the American Christian politico-business machine. I am thankful for that Amazing Grace that John Newton knew, and for all the drunks sitting around campfires today still crooning out that paen to the true grace of our Loving God. Keep singing.

I am thankful that I finally get it, that doctrine over person is WRONG. Jesus said that his new command was that WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

He did not say that his greatest desire is that we all get doctrinally correct, and finally uncover the hidden message of the rapture.

He didn't say that all men would know we were his disciples because of our regular church attendance, or the way we snubbed "unacceptable" people.

It was sweet to be able to honestly, sincerely tell my twin sister that she is acceptable in God's sight, just as she is, holy and precious to him because that's who Jesus is: He is love. It was sweet to be able to say honestly that yes, I believe the Holy Spirit is at work in your life, leading and guiding you on a daily basis. That meant so much to her and to me. I am ashamed that I missed out on that for so many years because I let fundamentalist fear be my truth, instead of trusting in the gracious love of God.

If my sister's life could be likened to the character Olive, putting her whole heart into something my religion told me was the wrong song, then like Olive she still deserved to be loved and supported. God looks at the heart, not the outward appearance. I wish I had loved my twin sister unashamedly like the non-religious family in Little Miss Sunshine loved their Olive.

I am thankful for all the families out there in the world that are like the family in Little Miss Sunshine, standing behind one another in solidarity no matter how tough times get. In that movie, the little girl may have made some embarrassing choices, but her family saw the innocent heart behind her efforts and refused to condemn her. I want to love like that: whole-heartedly, willing to be embarrassed if love calls for it, never rejecting but caring for people in the ways that they need, in that moment, to be cared for. I want to love like Jesus.


As a cyber friend wrote recently on his blog:

Do you think that if all the other voices were silenced (as if it were possible) and all you had were the scriptures and your own children to teach you about God that you would assume God loved you despite your behavior?

Good question, Ryan. Good movie, Michael Arndt. Good conversation, sister.

May the grace of God be a very real experience to all who read here. SS