Life is really good right now. My dear husband is happy again, now that he returned to his old dose. Son is happy. Daughter is happy. House guests are mostly happy. I hope you too are happy, dear readers!
And for all those preachers from my past who told me that happiness is over-rated, and what you really need is joy, I say: You can't separate the two. If you claim to have joy while you are in fact unhappy, you are just playing with words.
Happiness, I was taught, was dependent on circumstances, while joy is a gift from God that enables one to be happy regardless of circumstances.
Huh? You can be happy and yet you are not experiencing happiness at that time? Gobbledy-gook.
So I wish us all happiness, in the midst of all our circumstances: those laced with uncertainty, those that are easily enjoyed, and even those that sanity demands we NOT be happy about. May little moments of laughter sneak in and lift you out of even those unhappy circumstances.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Personal Holiday Update
For all my longtime readers, I wanted to give a personal update on the state of my marriage.
EMDR/trauma therapy is continuing to be, well, therapeutic. =)
My husband and I are both in therapy, but we are NOT in marriage therapy. I can hardly stress that enough. We are each in individual therapy working on our own issues. We happen to be seeing the same therapist, but that is ONLY because this therapist is competent enough to keep her clients work confidential and separate in her mind, even though we are married to each other.
For newcomers, we are in therapy because of domestic violence issues, even though we are not in marriage therapy. Long story short, for many years we were happily married. I am not saying we were perfectly healthy- looking back there was emotional abuse going on and warning signs that things were not all right- but there was still a lot of love between us, forgiveness, affection, fun. I guess an apt comparison is to diet: we were not always choosing the healthiest foods (thoughts, behaviors) but we were young, active, and making enough good choices to stay healthy.
We had first one child, a daughter, and then another, a precious son. We were actually pretty happy (though my husband had some stress from work relationships now and then). We both had active spiritual lives. I was loving being a SAHM, and my husband was still my hero. Life was good most of the time.
Then (and the timing did not seem significant at the time) my husband took a job that required full-time travel. He was drawn to this occupation at about the time my son grew to be the size/age that my husband had been when he was sent away to boarding school by his missionary parents. Looking back, it is clear that the emotional wounds my husband suffered at that age resurfaced, yet the denial surrounding the life of missionaries is SO STRONG that neither of us ever considered that a contributing factor.
All I knew was that in spite of my being super-supportive of his new career venture he began to be a real jerk whenever he was home. He became very harsh with my son, openly favoring my daughter and treating me like I was stupid. All my concerns were emotional hysterics, rather than valid observations. Looking back, I am amazed that we lasted through this scenario as long as we did.
Every time I was close to leaving him, he would pull it together. I am both a forgiving and an idealistic person. Second chances are my specialty. And when confronted, he did make the big changes once he saw I meant business. The first time we almost divorced, he managed to get placed locally and get off the road. He renewed his spiritual life. We went to an Assembly of God Marriage Encounter and he diligently applied the program. Disaster was averted.
Time went on, and our marriage managed to do okay. With a lot of effort on both our parts, we got by. We even had moments of happiness that could even be called seasons. But always he would revert back to his misogynistic, patronizing behaviors eventually. He would stop communicating with me, and start trying to manage me. All of this time, he had some deep personal issues that went completely unacknowledged. Everything was my fault. I was overreacting. I was too emotional. Women, huh? >:[
I have two close friends with whom I would share all the frustrations and triumphs of life. One started telling me that my husband's behavior was abusive. I blew her off at first. We were good Christians, dontcha know? His behavior was certainly carnal. He was living a somewhat fleshly lifestyle. I could even admit he was "in sin". But abusive? That was a word for the drunk who came home and beat his wife up physically- not for my professional, white collar, middle class, suburban, evangelical Christian husband!
Finally it got to where life was impossible. I could not get my husband to hear me, no matter how I tried. He no longer considered me a fully functioning human nor a friend. He responded to me as if I were insane and unreliable no matter what the subject. He sparred with me verbally as if he considered me an enemy. He was unkind, obstructive, and rude when he spoke with me at all. Most of the time he used passivity, silence and inactivity to hurt me.
I remember once when we took a walk to go talk, and I sobbed deeply asking him why he hated me, what had I done? In a moment of honesty, he admitted he hated me and also that he had no real reason for hating me. He was genuinely distressed to admit this and promised to stop. Ah, if only it had been that easy.
I was talking with my other friend, a retired career woman, and asking her for help in formulating a plan to support myself so I could leave the marriage. Her precious husband advised me to at least give it one more try, as he did not want to see me plunged into poverty after all these years of faithfulness on my part. They suggested the ministry my other friend recommended. And so I agreed.
Shortly after that I began this blog. At that Marriage Intensive Seminar by Joel and Kathy Davission, I realized that I was in an abusive marriage. I came to see how by internalizing wrong teaching from the church (woman submit crap) I had intensified the problem and enabled it in reaching the dangerous proportions the abuse in our marriage had reached. I learned how my husband, by resisting my stated needs and obsfucating the conversations I had with him, my husband was (subconsciously but still purposely) manipulating me to become so frustrated I would be the first to raise my voice, allowing him to dismiss me as "too emotional" "hysterical"- even calling my response to his stone-walling tactics "abusive". And my Christian training enabled that to happen. Whoa.
My husband woke up to the fact that he was in fact an abusive man. At this point it manifested only as long-term emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. It was soon to escalate to physical abuse. Ironically, the wall of denial had already begun to fall down before it reached that point. If you would like all the details of how change and healing began to come to us, take the time to read all the past posts labeled "home school marriage" and/or "PAPD". (There is a lot of overlap on posts under these two labels.)
So now we're caught up, right? Okay, FINALLY the update!
My in-laws were here this past weekend. My husband remained affectionate and attentive to me while they were here, and I know that was purposeful and I appreciate it. My father-in-law spoke very disrespectfully to me once, and I calmly and immediately replied, "do NOT speak to me that way, I deserve to be treated with respect" and my father-in-law offhandedly said "sorry" and continued to make his point with respect. Wow. That was pretty cool.
I did not helplessly let him talk to me that way. I did not "wait" for my husband to confront him, and then feel hurt and dismissed when my husband didn't take up for me. I don't need my husband to take up for me. I can take up for myself. BUT knowing my husband was emotionally on my side was a satisfying reward.
He still isn't strong enough to personally confront his dad, and I am okay with that. He's working on it, which is more than most Christian men will ever do. I am so proud of my husband that he has stopped blaming me for all his deadness inside and is healing and growing as a person. He thanked me for taking up for myself and not trying to push him into something he agreed needed to be done, but that he was not ready to do. Isn't that awesome? It's like our marriage is an egalitarian partnership! (Ooooh, I said a naughty word. heh heh)
He recently met with his doctor to go over his meds and evaluate how they are working, and he came home so happy. When his doctor asked him when was the last time he had depressed thoughts of wanting to no longer be alive, he couldn't even remember that time. The anti-depressants and therapy are really paying off for him. I am so happy for him. He is so happy.
So, there you have it. The state of our marriage is: healing. No major problems since these posts here and here. We have come to a place where I can confront him calmly, and if he remains in his reptile brain, I can calmly walk away. He then gets it together (amazingly sooner rather than later!) and we get back in synch. So far, so good.
For my part, I am continuing in EMDR therapy for myself. I want very much to be able to go back to school and finish some kind of training and start a real career commensurate with my abilities. :) I would appreciate all prayers that I be accepted into the training course to which I have applied, and that I will be able to finish the course and succeed in a career that would pay enough that I could be totally self-supporting. Not because I am planning on leaving my marriage, but because that's what grown-ups do.
I want to take my place in society as a useful contributor now that my home school career is coming to an end. I am more scared than I thought I would be, and for the first time I am actually worried about being accepted for something I am applying to for admission. Yikes! Wish me well.
Peace and good will, SS
EMDR/trauma therapy is continuing to be, well, therapeutic. =)
My husband and I are both in therapy, but we are NOT in marriage therapy. I can hardly stress that enough. We are each in individual therapy working on our own issues. We happen to be seeing the same therapist, but that is ONLY because this therapist is competent enough to keep her clients work confidential and separate in her mind, even though we are married to each other.
For newcomers, we are in therapy because of domestic violence issues, even though we are not in marriage therapy. Long story short, for many years we were happily married. I am not saying we were perfectly healthy- looking back there was emotional abuse going on and warning signs that things were not all right- but there was still a lot of love between us, forgiveness, affection, fun. I guess an apt comparison is to diet: we were not always choosing the healthiest foods (thoughts, behaviors) but we were young, active, and making enough good choices to stay healthy.
We had first one child, a daughter, and then another, a precious son. We were actually pretty happy (though my husband had some stress from work relationships now and then). We both had active spiritual lives. I was loving being a SAHM, and my husband was still my hero. Life was good most of the time.
Then (and the timing did not seem significant at the time) my husband took a job that required full-time travel. He was drawn to this occupation at about the time my son grew to be the size/age that my husband had been when he was sent away to boarding school by his missionary parents. Looking back, it is clear that the emotional wounds my husband suffered at that age resurfaced, yet the denial surrounding the life of missionaries is SO STRONG that neither of us ever considered that a contributing factor.
All I knew was that in spite of my being super-supportive of his new career venture he began to be a real jerk whenever he was home. He became very harsh with my son, openly favoring my daughter and treating me like I was stupid. All my concerns were emotional hysterics, rather than valid observations. Looking back, I am amazed that we lasted through this scenario as long as we did.
Every time I was close to leaving him, he would pull it together. I am both a forgiving and an idealistic person. Second chances are my specialty. And when confronted, he did make the big changes once he saw I meant business. The first time we almost divorced, he managed to get placed locally and get off the road. He renewed his spiritual life. We went to an Assembly of God Marriage Encounter and he diligently applied the program. Disaster was averted.
Time went on, and our marriage managed to do okay. With a lot of effort on both our parts, we got by. We even had moments of happiness that could even be called seasons. But always he would revert back to his misogynistic, patronizing behaviors eventually. He would stop communicating with me, and start trying to manage me. All of this time, he had some deep personal issues that went completely unacknowledged. Everything was my fault. I was overreacting. I was too emotional. Women, huh? >:[
I have two close friends with whom I would share all the frustrations and triumphs of life. One started telling me that my husband's behavior was abusive. I blew her off at first. We were good Christians, dontcha know? His behavior was certainly carnal. He was living a somewhat fleshly lifestyle. I could even admit he was "in sin". But abusive? That was a word for the drunk who came home and beat his wife up physically- not for my professional, white collar, middle class, suburban, evangelical Christian husband!
Finally it got to where life was impossible. I could not get my husband to hear me, no matter how I tried. He no longer considered me a fully functioning human nor a friend. He responded to me as if I were insane and unreliable no matter what the subject. He sparred with me verbally as if he considered me an enemy. He was unkind, obstructive, and rude when he spoke with me at all. Most of the time he used passivity, silence and inactivity to hurt me.
I remember once when we took a walk to go talk, and I sobbed deeply asking him why he hated me, what had I done? In a moment of honesty, he admitted he hated me and also that he had no real reason for hating me. He was genuinely distressed to admit this and promised to stop. Ah, if only it had been that easy.
I was talking with my other friend, a retired career woman, and asking her for help in formulating a plan to support myself so I could leave the marriage. Her precious husband advised me to at least give it one more try, as he did not want to see me plunged into poverty after all these years of faithfulness on my part. They suggested the ministry my other friend recommended. And so I agreed.
Shortly after that I began this blog. At that Marriage Intensive Seminar by Joel and Kathy Davission, I realized that I was in an abusive marriage. I came to see how by internalizing wrong teaching from the church (woman submit crap) I had intensified the problem and enabled it in reaching the dangerous proportions the abuse in our marriage had reached. I learned how my husband, by resisting my stated needs and obsfucating the conversations I had with him, my husband was (subconsciously but still purposely) manipulating me to become so frustrated I would be the first to raise my voice, allowing him to dismiss me as "too emotional" "hysterical"- even calling my response to his stone-walling tactics "abusive". And my Christian training enabled that to happen. Whoa.
My husband woke up to the fact that he was in fact an abusive man. At this point it manifested only as long-term emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. It was soon to escalate to physical abuse. Ironically, the wall of denial had already begun to fall down before it reached that point. If you would like all the details of how change and healing began to come to us, take the time to read all the past posts labeled "home school marriage" and/or "PAPD". (There is a lot of overlap on posts under these two labels.)
So now we're caught up, right? Okay, FINALLY the update!
My in-laws were here this past weekend. My husband remained affectionate and attentive to me while they were here, and I know that was purposeful and I appreciate it. My father-in-law spoke very disrespectfully to me once, and I calmly and immediately replied, "do NOT speak to me that way, I deserve to be treated with respect" and my father-in-law offhandedly said "sorry" and continued to make his point with respect. Wow. That was pretty cool.
I did not helplessly let him talk to me that way. I did not "wait" for my husband to confront him, and then feel hurt and dismissed when my husband didn't take up for me. I don't need my husband to take up for me. I can take up for myself. BUT knowing my husband was emotionally on my side was a satisfying reward.
He still isn't strong enough to personally confront his dad, and I am okay with that. He's working on it, which is more than most Christian men will ever do. I am so proud of my husband that he has stopped blaming me for all his deadness inside and is healing and growing as a person. He thanked me for taking up for myself and not trying to push him into something he agreed needed to be done, but that he was not ready to do. Isn't that awesome? It's like our marriage is an egalitarian partnership! (Ooooh, I said a naughty word. heh heh)
He recently met with his doctor to go over his meds and evaluate how they are working, and he came home so happy. When his doctor asked him when was the last time he had depressed thoughts of wanting to no longer be alive, he couldn't even remember that time. The anti-depressants and therapy are really paying off for him. I am so happy for him. He is so happy.
So, there you have it. The state of our marriage is: healing. No major problems since these posts here and here. We have come to a place where I can confront him calmly, and if he remains in his reptile brain, I can calmly walk away. He then gets it together (amazingly sooner rather than later!) and we get back in synch. So far, so good.
For my part, I am continuing in EMDR therapy for myself. I want very much to be able to go back to school and finish some kind of training and start a real career commensurate with my abilities. :) I would appreciate all prayers that I be accepted into the training course to which I have applied, and that I will be able to finish the course and succeed in a career that would pay enough that I could be totally self-supporting. Not because I am planning on leaving my marriage, but because that's what grown-ups do.
I want to take my place in society as a useful contributor now that my home school career is coming to an end. I am more scared than I thought I would be, and for the first time I am actually worried about being accepted for something I am applying to for admission. Yikes! Wish me well.
Peace and good will, SS
Monday, November 1, 2010
No Room at the Inn....
One of the attributes I like best about God is His good will. We never read of Jesus telling anyone to go away. Jesus never rebukes anyone for asking Him questions, not even those with spurious motives. The apostles James writes that God will generously give wisdom to all who ask. (James 1:5) He helps us out later in chapter three by pointing out that godly wisdom will produce very different emotions in our hearts versus "earthly, unspiritual, denomic" wisdom which springs from selfish ambition and envy.
Wisdom from God will produce minds that are "peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere". Who doesn't want that? Who doesn't want to hang out with people who exhibit this kind of fruit? Who doesn't want to be that kind of person?
In church yesterday, our pastor wisely admitted that he doesn't have all the answers to all the questions about the Christian faith and life. He came right out and asked for a show of hands for everyone who had ever been dissatisfied with the teaching of a church before. Everyone lifted a hand. He asked if anyone was ever dissatisfied with teaching at our church. No one raised a hand, out of love for our pastor and congregation, but he laughed out loud and told us it was okay to admit it. (A friend of mine pushed my hand up in the air at this point! ;-)
He went on to tell us that really, it was OKAY. Unity of the Spirit doesn't mean complete agreement on every issue of faith and doctrine. Unity of the Spirit comes when we love God and let him love people through us. Unity of the Spirit is NOT the same as agreeing to share the same doctrinal ideas and parroting the same party line about (insert issue here).
I really needed to be reminded that Jesus has made me accepted in the beloved, because sometimes there are other "beloved" who make it pretty plain to me that they are not very happy about me. I am so grateful to have found a place where there is truly room for as many as the Lord our God shall call. We do not have to agree on anything beyond Jesus and the gospel of grace.
Questions are not only welcomed but encouraged, both publicly (it's a small church, so people are invited to speak up during church, when our pastor sees they are bursting to talk) and privately. He might even have a few questions for you now and then. But like the Savior himself, pastor starts with a presumption of good will. People respond with the same determination to "accept one another" in spite of disagreeing with each other on things that are important to us as individuals. (Romans 14:1-5)
I love this so much about my little church, because it is so rare. I can't tell you how many times I have been pushed out and excluded for asking questions people are uncomfortable with and/or for which they don't have good answers. Lots of times I have experienced the unsettling reality that there is no room at the inn for people who think and question. Ostracization is the fall back for not being able to answer questions, usually with some name-calling and finger-pointing to get the process started.
Mostly the name-calling/finger-pointing is behind the scenes, as challenging anyone openly leaves the challenger at risk for their true intentions being exposed. I have had emergency meetings called to exclude me from home school circles. I have endured contemporary American versions of mini-inquisitions called merely to let me know I am hated by my fellow disciples. Blogs have shut down in the hopes of making sure my questions don't infect other Christians. We can't have people thinking too deeply now, can we?
Last night I saw that the same thing I have experienced so many times is happening to other Christians I love and respect. A sweet, gentle, tender-hearted and compassionate woman of God is accused of being "antinomian". This is a scurrilous charge brought up often to discredit people who rely on and emphasize the grace of God. It's true meaning is akin to hedonism or anarchy, and anyone who has even a passing acquaintance with this woman's writing knows that nothing could be farther from the truth. Her caution about crossing the line into sin, her constant checking of herself lest she also be tempted (Galatians 6:1) is admirable and evident to all. The attacks on her character and theology are just more wicked envy bearing fruit in her agressors' hearts.
Similarly, theologian Gregory A. Boyd has a blog post up today. A fellow believer he has debated many times has taken to outright lying about what Greg believes and proposes as truth, because it's the only way to discredit the man. Mr. Boyd appears to be amused by this, but I am not amused. It's an ugly reality in Christendom that breaks my heart and would turn me completely away from Christianity if it weren't for the reality of Jesus. Selfish ambition is a prime motivation of many ministries. Lying, name calling, misrepresenting others in unflattering ways- for way too many Christians this is the way to build their own little kingdoms on earth.
I have full confidence in the power of the Holy Spirit to see my fellow believers safely through this life and into the next. But I am not naive enough to think it will be easy. Hate hurts. It hurts no less when the hater signs off with "Love in Christ".
The theologian I have every confidence will weather this new attack on his ideas. He seemed amused even, that a person he had known for so long and debated so often could still misrepresent his position. I don't find it so funny, because I don't believe it is accidental or merely fuzzy-headed. I have overcome more than one knife wound to the back from a Christian brother and sister, so I find it hard to buy the innocent mistake theory.
I fear more for the author of tender heart. As a devout and sincere believer, I think she underestimates the depth of the hatred and selfish ambition in the hearts of so many so-called "ministers" of the faith. Her book directly threatens other folks market base. That is where the rubber meets the road for the people who find not only their self-worth in "ministry" but also their future worldly needs provided by "ministry". The malice and fear in their hearts can not be overestimated.
As for me? Nothing can shake me from my faith in Jesus. I have experienced His grace and love. It is an objective reality. Being excluded and reviled by other Christians has absolutely no bearing on the reality of Jesus. It does make it harder to put into practice the command of Jesus to love my fellow disciples. But believing in the incarnation of Christ in me, the hope of glory, I am trusting in Jesus to bring that perfect love to pass in me in the fullness of times.
In the meantime, I am content to hang out here in the stable with Mary and the shepherds. In the meantime, I am content to go outside the camp with Jesus (Hebrews 13:13) and chill with Him. While here, I will remember to pray for others who are being excluded that they too will enjoy the presence of the Living God and relax in His bountiful grace. Sharing in his sufferings, we also share in his glory. In the end, it's all good. =)
Wisdom from God will produce minds that are "peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere". Who doesn't want that? Who doesn't want to hang out with people who exhibit this kind of fruit? Who doesn't want to be that kind of person?
In church yesterday, our pastor wisely admitted that he doesn't have all the answers to all the questions about the Christian faith and life. He came right out and asked for a show of hands for everyone who had ever been dissatisfied with the teaching of a church before. Everyone lifted a hand. He asked if anyone was ever dissatisfied with teaching at our church. No one raised a hand, out of love for our pastor and congregation, but he laughed out loud and told us it was okay to admit it. (A friend of mine pushed my hand up in the air at this point! ;-)
He went on to tell us that really, it was OKAY. Unity of the Spirit doesn't mean complete agreement on every issue of faith and doctrine. Unity of the Spirit comes when we love God and let him love people through us. Unity of the Spirit is NOT the same as agreeing to share the same doctrinal ideas and parroting the same party line about (insert issue here).
I really needed to be reminded that Jesus has made me accepted in the beloved, because sometimes there are other "beloved" who make it pretty plain to me that they are not very happy about me. I am so grateful to have found a place where there is truly room for as many as the Lord our God shall call. We do not have to agree on anything beyond Jesus and the gospel of grace.
Questions are not only welcomed but encouraged, both publicly (it's a small church, so people are invited to speak up during church, when our pastor sees they are bursting to talk) and privately. He might even have a few questions for you now and then. But like the Savior himself, pastor starts with a presumption of good will. People respond with the same determination to "accept one another" in spite of disagreeing with each other on things that are important to us as individuals. (Romans 14:1-5)
I love this so much about my little church, because it is so rare. I can't tell you how many times I have been pushed out and excluded for asking questions people are uncomfortable with and/or for which they don't have good answers. Lots of times I have experienced the unsettling reality that there is no room at the inn for people who think and question. Ostracization is the fall back for not being able to answer questions, usually with some name-calling and finger-pointing to get the process started.
Mostly the name-calling/finger-pointing is behind the scenes, as challenging anyone openly leaves the challenger at risk for their true intentions being exposed. I have had emergency meetings called to exclude me from home school circles. I have endured contemporary American versions of mini-inquisitions called merely to let me know I am hated by my fellow disciples. Blogs have shut down in the hopes of making sure my questions don't infect other Christians. We can't have people thinking too deeply now, can we?
Last night I saw that the same thing I have experienced so many times is happening to other Christians I love and respect. A sweet, gentle, tender-hearted and compassionate woman of God is accused of being "antinomian". This is a scurrilous charge brought up often to discredit people who rely on and emphasize the grace of God. It's true meaning is akin to hedonism or anarchy, and anyone who has even a passing acquaintance with this woman's writing knows that nothing could be farther from the truth. Her caution about crossing the line into sin, her constant checking of herself lest she also be tempted (Galatians 6:1) is admirable and evident to all. The attacks on her character and theology are just more wicked envy bearing fruit in her agressors' hearts.
Similarly, theologian Gregory A. Boyd has a blog post up today. A fellow believer he has debated many times has taken to outright lying about what Greg believes and proposes as truth, because it's the only way to discredit the man. Mr. Boyd appears to be amused by this, but I am not amused. It's an ugly reality in Christendom that breaks my heart and would turn me completely away from Christianity if it weren't for the reality of Jesus. Selfish ambition is a prime motivation of many ministries. Lying, name calling, misrepresenting others in unflattering ways- for way too many Christians this is the way to build their own little kingdoms on earth.
I have full confidence in the power of the Holy Spirit to see my fellow believers safely through this life and into the next. But I am not naive enough to think it will be easy. Hate hurts. It hurts no less when the hater signs off with "Love in Christ".
The theologian I have every confidence will weather this new attack on his ideas. He seemed amused even, that a person he had known for so long and debated so often could still misrepresent his position. I don't find it so funny, because I don't believe it is accidental or merely fuzzy-headed. I have overcome more than one knife wound to the back from a Christian brother and sister, so I find it hard to buy the innocent mistake theory.
I fear more for the author of tender heart. As a devout and sincere believer, I think she underestimates the depth of the hatred and selfish ambition in the hearts of so many so-called "ministers" of the faith. Her book directly threatens other folks market base. That is where the rubber meets the road for the people who find not only their self-worth in "ministry" but also their future worldly needs provided by "ministry". The malice and fear in their hearts can not be overestimated.
As for me? Nothing can shake me from my faith in Jesus. I have experienced His grace and love. It is an objective reality. Being excluded and reviled by other Christians has absolutely no bearing on the reality of Jesus. It does make it harder to put into practice the command of Jesus to love my fellow disciples. But believing in the incarnation of Christ in me, the hope of glory, I am trusting in Jesus to bring that perfect love to pass in me in the fullness of times.
In the meantime, I am content to hang out here in the stable with Mary and the shepherds. In the meantime, I am content to go outside the camp with Jesus (Hebrews 13:13) and chill with Him. While here, I will remember to pray for others who are being excluded that they too will enjoy the presence of the Living God and relax in His bountiful grace. Sharing in his sufferings, we also share in his glory. In the end, it's all good. =)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Looking Back and Looking Around
Looking back, I can see how far my husband has come in healing. He has been in therapy, group and individual, for almost a year now. He is receiving medical treatment for depression as well, which is making a huge difference. It's not that he never slips back into blaming, abandoning behaviors, but he doesn't stay there long and it is happening farther and farther in between. The actual aggression is a thing of the past.
Looking around, I can see how much improved all of our family is, both in a personal sense and in our relationships. My son is really enjoying life now, taking on new hobbies, setting academic and personal goals. He's losing weight and getting strong.
My daughter is shining socially now, a whole new thing in her life. Every week she is growing and accomplishing new goals she has set for herself. We rarely argue. She calls me just to talk, sometimes for advice. She invites me to do things with her and accepts my invitations too. It is a relationship I now enjoy.
I am much happier now. I have more peace, and more joy. I actually have thoughts and feelings about my own life now. I am not always worried for my family and praying for them, because I know things are going to be okay. It's wonderful to have the freedom to think about my self, my future, my happiness. n_n
My husband smiles often now. Not always. Occasionally the depression takes over still. He is working through a lot of personal things from his own childhood in therapy, and it still casts a cloud now and then. BUT it used to always hang over his life, unrecognized and unacknowledged, driving him to alternate between withdrawing from everyone and striking out in seething resentment, mostly to me. That rarely happens now.
It's a relief and a blessing. My blog may change focus and direction as my own life changes focus and direction. I may even shut it down after a season, if I think it is not really serving a purpose anymore.
When I started this blog, I didn't know if we were going to make it or not. Now I am as close to sure as I think I will ever be about anything in this life. "Life is what happens while you're making other plans", so I am no longer one hundred per cent certain about anything these days. Age and experience will give you that perspective! =)
My spiritual journey is taking turns I never expected. I more fully want to follow Jesus than ever before, if that's possible. I have less confidence that organized religious institutions help much in that journey. I guess what I mean by that is that I don't believe pastors or preachers or seminary grads are any closer to knowing and walking in the truth than any other disciple.
I will always go to church: to share in corporate expressions of gratitude (worship), bear one anothers burdens, rejoice with those who rejoice, and remember the Lord's great love for us all by sharing communion with the saints. I will honor the work of the Holy Spirit in the church by allowing the Lord to minister to me through the gifts and insights He has placed in others, including the man standing up front. But certainly not limited to the man standing up front, or exalting God's work through him to a higher status than God's work in the "least of these my brethren".
I am digging into theology and broadening my field of inquiry. I am leaving fundamentalism behind. I recognize that it only hinders my walk with God and hinders the spread of the gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth. I can accept fundamentalists as my brothers and sisters in Christ, well loved by Jesus, but reject their doctrines as rules taught by men that crush lambs and drive away all but the most resilient true sheep.
I hope my readers have been helped by following this crappy home school marriage's path out of misery and on to the path of healing. If anyone is informed to make good decisions, reject damaging doctrines and practices, and helped to a better life in any way, then I am glad I blogged so honestly about such private matters.
Peace and good will to all who read here, SS.
Looking around, I can see how much improved all of our family is, both in a personal sense and in our relationships. My son is really enjoying life now, taking on new hobbies, setting academic and personal goals. He's losing weight and getting strong.
My daughter is shining socially now, a whole new thing in her life. Every week she is growing and accomplishing new goals she has set for herself. We rarely argue. She calls me just to talk, sometimes for advice. She invites me to do things with her and accepts my invitations too. It is a relationship I now enjoy.
I am much happier now. I have more peace, and more joy. I actually have thoughts and feelings about my own life now. I am not always worried for my family and praying for them, because I know things are going to be okay. It's wonderful to have the freedom to think about my self, my future, my happiness. n_n
My husband smiles often now. Not always. Occasionally the depression takes over still. He is working through a lot of personal things from his own childhood in therapy, and it still casts a cloud now and then. BUT it used to always hang over his life, unrecognized and unacknowledged, driving him to alternate between withdrawing from everyone and striking out in seething resentment, mostly to me. That rarely happens now.
It's a relief and a blessing. My blog may change focus and direction as my own life changes focus and direction. I may even shut it down after a season, if I think it is not really serving a purpose anymore.
When I started this blog, I didn't know if we were going to make it or not. Now I am as close to sure as I think I will ever be about anything in this life. "Life is what happens while you're making other plans", so I am no longer one hundred per cent certain about anything these days. Age and experience will give you that perspective! =)
My spiritual journey is taking turns I never expected. I more fully want to follow Jesus than ever before, if that's possible. I have less confidence that organized religious institutions help much in that journey. I guess what I mean by that is that I don't believe pastors or preachers or seminary grads are any closer to knowing and walking in the truth than any other disciple.
I will always go to church: to share in corporate expressions of gratitude (worship), bear one anothers burdens, rejoice with those who rejoice, and remember the Lord's great love for us all by sharing communion with the saints. I will honor the work of the Holy Spirit in the church by allowing the Lord to minister to me through the gifts and insights He has placed in others, including the man standing up front. But certainly not limited to the man standing up front, or exalting God's work through him to a higher status than God's work in the "least of these my brethren".
I am digging into theology and broadening my field of inquiry. I am leaving fundamentalism behind. I recognize that it only hinders my walk with God and hinders the spread of the gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth. I can accept fundamentalists as my brothers and sisters in Christ, well loved by Jesus, but reject their doctrines as rules taught by men that crush lambs and drive away all but the most resilient true sheep.
I hope my readers have been helped by following this crappy home school marriage's path out of misery and on to the path of healing. If anyone is informed to make good decisions, reject damaging doctrines and practices, and helped to a better life in any way, then I am glad I blogged so honestly about such private matters.
Peace and good will to all who read here, SS.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Learning, my daily thrill
One of the many values I hope to have transmitted to my children is a life-long love of learning. I mostly learn through the medium of words. I love words.
By far the most common modality through which these words reach me is reading written text. I also access words by listening, as in listening to the lyrics of popular music, religious and secular. I listen to the people in a box as well, the fictional character and the news anchor. My favorite is listening in conversation to all the wonderful people I know IRL. Finally, I write something every day. Writing is my way of processing all I have learned and fine-tuning it so that I can either share it with others or enjoy it all bundled up for myself.
Words rule my life.
I am a voracious reader. I read fiction (American, foreign, novels, short stories), biographies, autobiographies, poetry and non-fiction. Plus I read the Bible, which has all of the above (parables count as fiction =). I read every day.
Right now I am reading two newer books on theology (one new release The Jesus Manifesto, one a year old, The Myth of the Christian Religion) and older book on theology (Kierkegaard, 1968), a self-published autobiography by an MK, and a book about supporting partners with depression.
I sample the magazines that show up in the mail: Rolling Stone, Reason, National Review, a local interest magazine, Enjoying Everyday Life, Charisma and Psychology Today. The Economist and The Christian Science Monitor are too expensive to subscribe but I love to pick up copies when I travel. Some of my subscriptions are set to expire and I will change out to new magazines. There are so many perspectives to learn from in the world!
I downloaded on my nook all three books by Stieg Larssen plus a couple by Ted Dekker (catching up on the Lost Books series) last month. I am thinking of downloading The Scent of Rain and Lightning. I love that title!
I read online everyday. I catch up on the news at Yahoo!, visit Cracked.com for a laugh when I need it, and check up on all my facebook friends a couple of times a week. I have twenty-one blogs bookmarked on my computer and I visit half a dozen daily, and all of them at least weekly.
I learn so much! I love learning. I am so limited in my own experience of life: limited by time, space and my own perspective. Learning from other people enriches my life in ways that I could never achieve on my own! I believe my life is enhanced by experiencing as much of other peoples thoughts, dreams, perspectives, art, imagination and wisdom as I can manage to acquire.
I can't imagine a life where my personal experience and thoughts were all that mattered, all that I was able to learn from. That, in my perspective, would be tragically limiting. Seriously, I am so glad to live in the information age!
I can watch the Wold Cup being played on the other side of the world, listen to birdsong on my own back porch, learn from the hard won wisdom of those who have gone before me from a book, interact with people all over the United States who have touched my life in one way or another via facebook, enjoy conversation and affection with my immediate family members, and have unlimited imaginative access to all I have ever read, listened to, watched, or experienced from the rich treasure of learning I have stored up in my brain.
Sometime during the day (like right now) I will write. I might write a letter, an e-mail, a journal entry or a blog entry, but I will write. I will write about some of the many things that have been on my heart that day: experiences, meditations, memories, struggles, blissful moments. Writing is a gift that I give myself, and I sometimes share with others. Words are a gift.
Words are what binds us all together in community and learning. Some people get a lot of comfort from sitting in silence together, and that has its place. But in order for us to experience a real connection, words must be present or at least have been/will be present in the relationship at some time! Words connect us, one human being to another.
Twice recently people I know and respect have said dismissively, "I don't understand how people have time to read!" One added that she also didn't understand (read :looked down upon as less than) people who blog. She certainly didn't have time for either reading or writing!
How tragic. Possibly, it is just a generation gap. She is much older than I. As for the other person, he laughingly admitted that it was really a matter of preference not time. That person spends much of his time avoiding people and relationships through Sudoku, Solitaire and other solo electronic pursuits. Perhaps he just has lower social needs than I have. shrug At least he is open-minded enough to listen to my perspective and see that I obviously love words and the human connection they represent! I appreciate that he does not feel superior to me because I read and write everyday.
Is it the reading? Is it the writing? Or is it the learning that is my daily thrill? I think it's the learning: learning from others by considering their words, learning about myself by allowing the words to flow from my heart to the outside world (paper or computer keyboard).
Learning, my daily thrill. =) May the joy of learning by yours too, dear readers, as you fill your own days with words: The word of God through writers from days past,the word of God through his people today; the words of humanity in all its various forms and experiences; the words formed by your own heart in response to this rich world of words.
Live (and learn) loved!
By far the most common modality through which these words reach me is reading written text. I also access words by listening, as in listening to the lyrics of popular music, religious and secular. I listen to the people in a box as well, the fictional character and the news anchor. My favorite is listening in conversation to all the wonderful people I know IRL. Finally, I write something every day. Writing is my way of processing all I have learned and fine-tuning it so that I can either share it with others or enjoy it all bundled up for myself.
Words rule my life.
I am a voracious reader. I read fiction (American, foreign, novels, short stories), biographies, autobiographies, poetry and non-fiction. Plus I read the Bible, which has all of the above (parables count as fiction =). I read every day.
Right now I am reading two newer books on theology (one new release The Jesus Manifesto, one a year old, The Myth of the Christian Religion) and older book on theology (Kierkegaard, 1968), a self-published autobiography by an MK, and a book about supporting partners with depression.
I sample the magazines that show up in the mail: Rolling Stone, Reason, National Review, a local interest magazine, Enjoying Everyday Life, Charisma and Psychology Today. The Economist and The Christian Science Monitor are too expensive to subscribe but I love to pick up copies when I travel. Some of my subscriptions are set to expire and I will change out to new magazines. There are so many perspectives to learn from in the world!
I downloaded on my nook all three books by Stieg Larssen plus a couple by Ted Dekker (catching up on the Lost Books series) last month. I am thinking of downloading The Scent of Rain and Lightning. I love that title!
I read online everyday. I catch up on the news at Yahoo!, visit Cracked.com for a laugh when I need it, and check up on all my facebook friends a couple of times a week. I have twenty-one blogs bookmarked on my computer and I visit half a dozen daily, and all of them at least weekly.
I learn so much! I love learning. I am so limited in my own experience of life: limited by time, space and my own perspective. Learning from other people enriches my life in ways that I could never achieve on my own! I believe my life is enhanced by experiencing as much of other peoples thoughts, dreams, perspectives, art, imagination and wisdom as I can manage to acquire.
I can't imagine a life where my personal experience and thoughts were all that mattered, all that I was able to learn from. That, in my perspective, would be tragically limiting. Seriously, I am so glad to live in the information age!
I can watch the Wold Cup being played on the other side of the world, listen to birdsong on my own back porch, learn from the hard won wisdom of those who have gone before me from a book, interact with people all over the United States who have touched my life in one way or another via facebook, enjoy conversation and affection with my immediate family members, and have unlimited imaginative access to all I have ever read, listened to, watched, or experienced from the rich treasure of learning I have stored up in my brain.
Sometime during the day (like right now) I will write. I might write a letter, an e-mail, a journal entry or a blog entry, but I will write. I will write about some of the many things that have been on my heart that day: experiences, meditations, memories, struggles, blissful moments. Writing is a gift that I give myself, and I sometimes share with others. Words are a gift.
Words are what binds us all together in community and learning. Some people get a lot of comfort from sitting in silence together, and that has its place. But in order for us to experience a real connection, words must be present or at least have been/will be present in the relationship at some time! Words connect us, one human being to another.
Twice recently people I know and respect have said dismissively, "I don't understand how people have time to read!" One added that she also didn't understand (read :looked down upon as less than) people who blog. She certainly didn't have time for either reading or writing!
How tragic. Possibly, it is just a generation gap. She is much older than I. As for the other person, he laughingly admitted that it was really a matter of preference not time. That person spends much of his time avoiding people and relationships through Sudoku, Solitaire and other solo electronic pursuits. Perhaps he just has lower social needs than I have. shrug At least he is open-minded enough to listen to my perspective and see that I obviously love words and the human connection they represent! I appreciate that he does not feel superior to me because I read and write everyday.
Is it the reading? Is it the writing? Or is it the learning that is my daily thrill? I think it's the learning: learning from others by considering their words, learning about myself by allowing the words to flow from my heart to the outside world (paper or computer keyboard).
Learning, my daily thrill. =) May the joy of learning by yours too, dear readers, as you fill your own days with words: The word of God through writers from days past,the word of God through his people today; the words of humanity in all its various forms and experiences; the words formed by your own heart in response to this rich world of words.
Live (and learn) loved!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Religious Smackdown
Why does happiness and joy seem to bring out the worst in some people? I have seen it over and over.
I think the first time I remember seeing it was as a young child going to the First Baptist Church of the small town my Grandmother lived in. It was a beautiful spring day. The songbirds were happily laying claim to their respective territories among the flowering trees. The sun was shining, but it was not unbearably hot yet,like it gets all too quickly on the Great Plains. It must have been March or maybe early April, because by June summer is in full force.
The town was so small that no one who actually lived in town was more than a few blocks from church. I had walked to church, and so had my Grandma. My neighbor from across the street was there at church, as were so many older people I knew from living in that town. The barber, the mechanic, the fourth grade teacher. That's just how it is in a small town.
My neighbor from across the street had also walked that morning and thoroughly enjoyed the new life bursting out all around her as she went. She was like that.
I loved this lady. A couple of times every summer I would go over to her house, where she lived alone, and break up the boredom of summer with a visit. She always made me a cool drink, and we would sit on her back porch and enjoy what little shade there was on that prairie. It seemed like all the shade on the whole prairie was concentrated in her back yard, as she had so many trees and shrubs around the perimeter.
She also had this magical patch of soft, thick green grass that was completely unlike the scratchy hard grass that grew everywhere else. St. Augustine was the name of her sumptious living throw rug. She carefully tended that small patch which grew only in the shade and required hand watering each evening.
She also had two other things of interest, a piano and a canary. When we were inside, she would often play the piano and we would sing together. We would sing children's songs and hymns both, having a good time belting out either one. It was the freedom to sing that was healing, more so than the words we sang.
Or if we were sitting on the back porch, the canary would sing for us. He was a delicate little bird with beautiful yellow feathers. She would whistle to him and he would whistle back. My neighbor was also delicate and tiny and beautiful. He was the perfect pet for her.
On that particular Sunday morning, my neighbor was up in the choir, beaming as usual. I don't remember if she waved at me that morning, like she sometimes did. I do remember that she was very, very happy.
The boring pastor was just wrapping up announcements, when my elderly neighbor piped up from the choir.
"Excuse me pastor." Her voice wavered a bit in the way of the aged as she tentatively slipped up her hand.
"Why yes, Mrs.________. Do you have an announcement to add?" The pastor smiled and turned toward the choir. He was a nice enough man I guess. I don't remember a word he ever said but I don't remember him being mean either.
My neighbor was just glowing with happiness. It oozed from her being. She closed her eyes and let the bliss settle over her countenance.
"Oh yes, I just want to thank Jesus for creating such a beautiful world and such a beautiful day. Isn't God good?" She enthused. Honestly and from the heart. No religious show-boating about it. It was as plain as day that she truly meant it.
My own heart leaped on the inside and I thought to myself YES! I feel it too!
My Grandma snorted in derision, and muttered not too quietly, "Oh shut up, you old fool. You look stupid."
Now as a child, I really had no reaction to what my Gramdma said. I didn't agree with her, obviously. My heart resonated with the joyful proclamation of my neighbor. I just observed, and that moment is etched in my memory forever.
What is it that causes the unhappy to hate those who have found joy in life? It remains a mystery to me. You think at the very least they would be happy someone was experiencing it, even if they themselves were not.
But no, the instinct is to shame the honest, living, loving, laughing person; to try to bring social censure down upon their head; to destroy love.
Unfortunately many do so in the name of God. My Grandma seemed to be of the opinion that God preferred passive faces going though the motions of a "church service" to hearts on fire with life.
I love my Grandma, but she was so wrong that day. She is in glory now and I believe she herself is probably sheepish today in remembering her attitude, yet not shamed. There is no shame in the presence of God. His perfect love casts out all fear, so that honesty and humility are not a source of rejection. They just are. I believe that with all my heart.
It isn't confined to religion though. It happens every where, in church and outside of church. Tight-lipped bitter people despise those with real joy, in many cases successfully manipulating public opinion to ostracize the emotionally whole and push them outside of their social circle.
I run into it in the oddest of places. I have smacked up against it in home school support groups, churches, home owner's associations, women's clubs and the work place. I have been bullied by it most often by professing Christians, but also by unhappy people of all faiths and no faith. It is the oddest phenomenon.
You hear it expressed as derision for those who are "liberal". You read and enjoyed The Shack? You are a compromiser! You had fun drinking beer with your neighbors and even got a little tipsy? You are horribly compromised! You cussed and cried when your heart was ripped open? How dare you call yourself a Christian!
This ugly self-righteousness seems to stick to people who have themselves given up on religion. Like the time my sister reviled me for ordering a strawberry daquiri at a restaurant once. I am openly a Christian. She was openly not. It would seem that she would not care whether someone bought and enjoyed an alcholic beverage or not. I certainly don't care, and I am a Christian. I don't think God cares either. Not the God who has richly given us all good things to enjoy, including wine to make glad the heart of man. (Look it up if you're interested. The Bible includes both statements.)
Yet she condemned me for drinking! It's as if all the ugliness of dead religion was what she brought with her out of the fundamentalist upbringing she left behind. She was indignant, snorting at me with derision just like my Grandma did to my neighbor all those years ago.
It's one of the most sad things I have ever seen. A person leaves a faith that only hurt them with rejection, but the one thing they take with them is the self-righteous denunciation of the "unworthy". They keep the worst part and let it be a part of who they are forever. Yuck.
And so I am writing out my manifesto of faith this morning for all to see. God is love. This I know. I know that I know that I know. Nothing can shake this from me.
Jesus is the human representation of God on this earth, so we could get to know who He really is and how much (how amazingly unfathomably much) He loves us. This I believe. I'm not letting that go either.
God is so good (that's what holiness really is folks, pure goodness-NOT PURE MEANNESS!!). I know this too. And I believe that the only way He could envelop us not-always-good-creatures in His presence was to purify us first. This task He took upon Himself in the cross of humiliation, to cleanse us in His own blood. Christus victor.
Now nothing can separate us from His love. (By the way, God is spirit. There is no gender in Spirit, but He refers to Himself more often as Father than Mother. Though there is that too! El-Shaddai= Mighty Breasted One; in the gospels as a Mother Hen wanting to gather in her chicks. It's in there, fundies. Deal with it.)
I raise my voice when I'm frustated. God loves me. I sing when I'm full of happiness. God still loves me. I cuss when the wrong buttons get pushed (PTSD is a beyotch!). God adores me. I complain when I feel hopeless. God dotes on me. I bitch and throw fits when life sucks at the time. God patiently waits until my emotion is spent, still treasuring me as beautiful while I blow my nose and dry my tears. I drink and dance and live life to the fullest my heart will allow. God dances with me.
God is good. Life is good. For all the haters, sucks to be you. I haven't a clue how to help you, or I would be quick on the job. I think it's something you have to figure out own your own. I wish you well.
And any time you want to join me in enjoying love, learning and liberty in this life, you are welcome. You don't have to share my faith (aka my theology), my sense of style, or my taste in music. Just chuck the self-righteousness and jump on in. There's plenty of room. Promise.
I think the first time I remember seeing it was as a young child going to the First Baptist Church of the small town my Grandmother lived in. It was a beautiful spring day. The songbirds were happily laying claim to their respective territories among the flowering trees. The sun was shining, but it was not unbearably hot yet,like it gets all too quickly on the Great Plains. It must have been March or maybe early April, because by June summer is in full force.
The town was so small that no one who actually lived in town was more than a few blocks from church. I had walked to church, and so had my Grandma. My neighbor from across the street was there at church, as were so many older people I knew from living in that town. The barber, the mechanic, the fourth grade teacher. That's just how it is in a small town.
My neighbor from across the street had also walked that morning and thoroughly enjoyed the new life bursting out all around her as she went. She was like that.
I loved this lady. A couple of times every summer I would go over to her house, where she lived alone, and break up the boredom of summer with a visit. She always made me a cool drink, and we would sit on her back porch and enjoy what little shade there was on that prairie. It seemed like all the shade on the whole prairie was concentrated in her back yard, as she had so many trees and shrubs around the perimeter.
She also had this magical patch of soft, thick green grass that was completely unlike the scratchy hard grass that grew everywhere else. St. Augustine was the name of her sumptious living throw rug. She carefully tended that small patch which grew only in the shade and required hand watering each evening.
She also had two other things of interest, a piano and a canary. When we were inside, she would often play the piano and we would sing together. We would sing children's songs and hymns both, having a good time belting out either one. It was the freedom to sing that was healing, more so than the words we sang.
Or if we were sitting on the back porch, the canary would sing for us. He was a delicate little bird with beautiful yellow feathers. She would whistle to him and he would whistle back. My neighbor was also delicate and tiny and beautiful. He was the perfect pet for her.
On that particular Sunday morning, my neighbor was up in the choir, beaming as usual. I don't remember if she waved at me that morning, like she sometimes did. I do remember that she was very, very happy.
The boring pastor was just wrapping up announcements, when my elderly neighbor piped up from the choir.
"Excuse me pastor." Her voice wavered a bit in the way of the aged as she tentatively slipped up her hand.
"Why yes, Mrs.________. Do you have an announcement to add?" The pastor smiled and turned toward the choir. He was a nice enough man I guess. I don't remember a word he ever said but I don't remember him being mean either.
My neighbor was just glowing with happiness. It oozed from her being. She closed her eyes and let the bliss settle over her countenance.
"Oh yes, I just want to thank Jesus for creating such a beautiful world and such a beautiful day. Isn't God good?" She enthused. Honestly and from the heart. No religious show-boating about it. It was as plain as day that she truly meant it.
My own heart leaped on the inside and I thought to myself YES! I feel it too!
My Grandma snorted in derision, and muttered not too quietly, "Oh shut up, you old fool. You look stupid."
Now as a child, I really had no reaction to what my Gramdma said. I didn't agree with her, obviously. My heart resonated with the joyful proclamation of my neighbor. I just observed, and that moment is etched in my memory forever.
What is it that causes the unhappy to hate those who have found joy in life? It remains a mystery to me. You think at the very least they would be happy someone was experiencing it, even if they themselves were not.
But no, the instinct is to shame the honest, living, loving, laughing person; to try to bring social censure down upon their head; to destroy love.
Unfortunately many do so in the name of God. My Grandma seemed to be of the opinion that God preferred passive faces going though the motions of a "church service" to hearts on fire with life.
I love my Grandma, but she was so wrong that day. She is in glory now and I believe she herself is probably sheepish today in remembering her attitude, yet not shamed. There is no shame in the presence of God. His perfect love casts out all fear, so that honesty and humility are not a source of rejection. They just are. I believe that with all my heart.
It isn't confined to religion though. It happens every where, in church and outside of church. Tight-lipped bitter people despise those with real joy, in many cases successfully manipulating public opinion to ostracize the emotionally whole and push them outside of their social circle.
I run into it in the oddest of places. I have smacked up against it in home school support groups, churches, home owner's associations, women's clubs and the work place. I have been bullied by it most often by professing Christians, but also by unhappy people of all faiths and no faith. It is the oddest phenomenon.
You hear it expressed as derision for those who are "liberal". You read and enjoyed The Shack? You are a compromiser! You had fun drinking beer with your neighbors and even got a little tipsy? You are horribly compromised! You cussed and cried when your heart was ripped open? How dare you call yourself a Christian!
This ugly self-righteousness seems to stick to people who have themselves given up on religion. Like the time my sister reviled me for ordering a strawberry daquiri at a restaurant once. I am openly a Christian. She was openly not. It would seem that she would not care whether someone bought and enjoyed an alcholic beverage or not. I certainly don't care, and I am a Christian. I don't think God cares either. Not the God who has richly given us all good things to enjoy, including wine to make glad the heart of man. (Look it up if you're interested. The Bible includes both statements.)
Yet she condemned me for drinking! It's as if all the ugliness of dead religion was what she brought with her out of the fundamentalist upbringing she left behind. She was indignant, snorting at me with derision just like my Grandma did to my neighbor all those years ago.
It's one of the most sad things I have ever seen. A person leaves a faith that only hurt them with rejection, but the one thing they take with them is the self-righteous denunciation of the "unworthy". They keep the worst part and let it be a part of who they are forever. Yuck.
And so I am writing out my manifesto of faith this morning for all to see. God is love. This I know. I know that I know that I know. Nothing can shake this from me.
Jesus is the human representation of God on this earth, so we could get to know who He really is and how much (how amazingly unfathomably much) He loves us. This I believe. I'm not letting that go either.
God is so good (that's what holiness really is folks, pure goodness-NOT PURE MEANNESS!!). I know this too. And I believe that the only way He could envelop us not-always-good-creatures in His presence was to purify us first. This task He took upon Himself in the cross of humiliation, to cleanse us in His own blood. Christus victor.
Now nothing can separate us from His love. (By the way, God is spirit. There is no gender in Spirit, but He refers to Himself more often as Father than Mother. Though there is that too! El-Shaddai= Mighty Breasted One; in the gospels as a Mother Hen wanting to gather in her chicks. It's in there, fundies. Deal with it.)
I raise my voice when I'm frustated. God loves me. I sing when I'm full of happiness. God still loves me. I cuss when the wrong buttons get pushed (PTSD is a beyotch!). God adores me. I complain when I feel hopeless. God dotes on me. I bitch and throw fits when life sucks at the time. God patiently waits until my emotion is spent, still treasuring me as beautiful while I blow my nose and dry my tears. I drink and dance and live life to the fullest my heart will allow. God dances with me.
God is good. Life is good. For all the haters, sucks to be you. I haven't a clue how to help you, or I would be quick on the job. I think it's something you have to figure out own your own. I wish you well.
And any time you want to join me in enjoying love, learning and liberty in this life, you are welcome. You don't have to share my faith (aka my theology), my sense of style, or my taste in music. Just chuck the self-righteousness and jump on in. There's plenty of room. Promise.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Pneumonia
For anyone still reading on occasion, I just wanted to let you know that I have been really sick. I caught pneumonia and it is one beyotch of an illness.
But I am better now, thank you.
I think it's ironic that I got so sick shortly after dredging up painful memories from the past for my last post. I mean, it is sickening to go back and look at that mess. I just didn't think it would literally make me sick. LOL
(Yes, I know I really didn't get pneumonia from writing. Just messing with you! ;-)
I hope to be back to posting soon, but I am in no hurry. May everyone who stops by this little part of cyberspace be blessed in some way. I wish you all well. Carpe diem.
But I am better now, thank you.
I think it's ironic that I got so sick shortly after dredging up painful memories from the past for my last post. I mean, it is sickening to go back and look at that mess. I just didn't think it would literally make me sick. LOL
(Yes, I know I really didn't get pneumonia from writing. Just messing with you! ;-)
I hope to be back to posting soon, but I am in no hurry. May everyone who stops by this little part of cyberspace be blessed in some way. I wish you all well. Carpe diem.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
One of life's sweet moments
I am at a coffee shop/internet cafe right now which also serves as the meeting place for our little congregation on Sundays and music studio for our worship leader, Ryan.
Ryan is teaching my son how to play the bass guitar. He has got to be the coolest guitar teacher ever. He write his own blog peopleonahill.org that I often find just hits the spot for me that day.
Anyway, I am not sure Ryan would like to be associated with me here on the world wide web, but sorry bro! That's just the risk we take when we put ourselves out in cyberspace. Or is that the risk you take when you associate with people like me? ;) Either way, LOL.
I am so proud of my daughter and son. They are really different people, but they both have so much to offer the world in their own unique ways. I really enjoy their company and getting to watch them grow and spread their wings.
It is hard to believe that we are all the same people we were this time last year. We have come through so much, and I think the story of what we went through to get here is worth telling.
When I started this blog I intended to do just that. But now that I know a few people are actually reading this, I am actually feeling some fear. That is not like me, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.
So I think I'll just go with it for right now. I think for today I'll just enjoy my coffee, the music and the peace we share as a family at this moment.
I'll save the storytelling for another day.
Ryan is teaching my son how to play the bass guitar. He has got to be the coolest guitar teacher ever. He write his own blog peopleonahill.org that I often find just hits the spot for me that day.
Anyway, I am not sure Ryan would like to be associated with me here on the world wide web, but sorry bro! That's just the risk we take when we put ourselves out in cyberspace. Or is that the risk you take when you associate with people like me? ;) Either way, LOL.
I am so proud of my daughter and son. They are really different people, but they both have so much to offer the world in their own unique ways. I really enjoy their company and getting to watch them grow and spread their wings.
It is hard to believe that we are all the same people we were this time last year. We have come through so much, and I think the story of what we went through to get here is worth telling.
When I started this blog I intended to do just that. But now that I know a few people are actually reading this, I am actually feeling some fear. That is not like me, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.
So I think I'll just go with it for right now. I think for today I'll just enjoy my coffee, the music and the peace we share as a family at this moment.
I'll save the storytelling for another day.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Moderating Comments
Lately I spend a lot of time in cyberspace following the blogs of home school graduates who have had poor experiences to strict patriarchal fundamentalist home school philosophies. My heart goes out to these brave young woman who have found the courage to take back the gift of life that is rightfully theirs to live. I am both proud of these women, and horrified at the damage done to them by an extremist Christian home school agenda.
That is the reason I announced at the beginning that I would be moderating comments. I feared that people might actually read my blog and be offended by my common sense and bias toward liberty. I really can't deal with haters in my life right now, so I though moderating comments would be the way to go.
Fortunately, no one is actually reading my blog! :) Maybe that is a temporary thing yet, but maybe it will always be that way. Since I write to get my ideas out there for personal reasons, that is just fine with me. Maybe even best for me, who knows?
Additionally, I recently read one woman's blog wherein she wrote that comment moderation is a bad thing, akin to censorship. Censorship is all about controlling access to information, and is not at all promoting liberty. Since reading this woman's insights, I decided to stop moderating comments in honor of liberty.
So,comment moderation is off. Long live liberty!
That is the reason I announced at the beginning that I would be moderating comments. I feared that people might actually read my blog and be offended by my common sense and bias toward liberty. I really can't deal with haters in my life right now, so I though moderating comments would be the way to go.
Fortunately, no one is actually reading my blog! :) Maybe that is a temporary thing yet, but maybe it will always be that way. Since I write to get my ideas out there for personal reasons, that is just fine with me. Maybe even best for me, who knows?
Additionally, I recently read one woman's blog wherein she wrote that comment moderation is a bad thing, akin to censorship. Censorship is all about controlling access to information, and is not at all promoting liberty. Since reading this woman's insights, I decided to stop moderating comments in honor of liberty.
So,comment moderation is off. Long live liberty!
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