Well, faithful readers, here we go again. My last post about my husband behaving, ah shall we say, boorishly, was September 21, in the post titled "I Can Take Up For Myself".
Tonight is almost surreal. For weeks now my husband has been a great partner. I have credited the antidepressants and the EMDR therapy for giving me back the man I married. This afternoon when he came home for lunch we went on a walk together. It was so romantic. He stopped to brush back my hair and kiss me tenderly at one point.
This evening after work he held me close on the couch and promised me that he wanted to dedicate his life to cherishing me. I was surprised, but in a good way. It sounded like those Christian wedding vows all over again.
Then, he went upstairs to watch soccer, but first he offered to share a glass of wine with me. I declined, but drank Vitamin water and snuggled up next to him talking while he drank one. Then I had to go pick up our son from Tae Kwan Do.
When I got back, my daughter was just walking in the door. Dad greeted her, and already then she noticed alcohol on his breath. I didn't really notice he was still drinking, because he was upstairs watching soccer. I was watching sitcoms downstairs.
Well, my daughter watched one of her favorite shows with me and then went back to campus. After a good while, my husband came down and sat abruptly on the couch. He was acting a bit off, but I hadn't figured it out yet. It wasn't until I scooted over next to him and he groped me that I started getting annoyed. And then, his breath hit my face.
Ugh. I hate the smell of a drunk. It is definitely something he knows. He rarely drinks, which I appreciate. But when he does start drinking regularly, he just drinks more and more every day until it gets noticeable. He has promised, on more than one occasion, not to have more than two drinks at a time, so that I can feel safe. He agreed to this in therapy. He broke his word tonight.
That's classic PAPD of course. He has to find a way to provoke me to anger so he can let off all his repressed negative emotion. The more patient and kind the people around him, the harder he has to work to provoke them. I hate this personality disorder. >:[
Of course I let my annoyance be known. I didn't yell at him, but it doesn't really matter if I raise my voice or not. Those of you familiar with misogyny know that all a woman has to do is express disapproval or displeasure with a man in that frame of mind and she's a bitch.
And so it goes. Not only am I a bitch, it's probably that time of the month too, he tells me. He "apologizes" by saying that he's sorry I'm so easily offended. Sigh. When I ask him why he is breaking his promises and undoing all that we have accomplished so far, he retorts "why are YOU undoing everything".
And so. He is sleeping in the guest bedroom. He has been such a jerk tonight, walking away from all the love he has built these past weeks, tearing down the reputation for integrity he was rebuilding.
The good news. I am not crying. I am still smiling. I am unhappy with him, of course, and unhappy that he has betrayed me again. But I am not distraught. This makes me very proud.
My son is still up, all six foot two inches of him. I am not at all afraid that my husband will even think of trying to physically intimidate me anymore. I don't hide what's going on from the kids like I used to do.
I already texted my daughter and she is willing to come home if I need her. My son has told me that he's sorry his dad is relapsing (his words not mine) and that means the world to me. I know the only person in this household responsible for this ugly turn of events is my husband. Even more cool, I know the only person in this household who would blame me for this turn of events is my husband.
I am making progress. I can't believe I used to let him make me feel like the crazy one. I can't believe I used to cover for him, keeping all the conflict behind closed doors, crying and praying in private. I can't believe I used to be so full of turmoil when he would pull a little mind-screw head game like he is tonight.
I am happy. I think I'll check on him once more, see if he's sobered up, and if not, it is off to bed alone. Sure, it sucks that he lied to me again, causing me to hope only to disappoint me in hopes of a fireworks show. But the therapy is helping. And so, we will see what tomorrow brings.
Peace and good will, SS