Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Guess He Can't Be Trusted After All?

Well, faithful readers, here we go again. My last post about my husband behaving, ah shall we say, boorishly, was September 21, in the post titled "I Can Take Up For Myself".

Tonight is almost surreal. For weeks now my husband has been a great partner. I have credited the antidepressants and the EMDR therapy for giving me back the man I married. This afternoon when he came home for lunch we went on a walk together. It was so romantic. He stopped to brush back my hair and kiss me tenderly at one point.

So wonderful.

This evening after work he held me close on the couch and promised me that he wanted to dedicate his life to cherishing me. I was surprised, but in a good way. It sounded like those Christian wedding vows all over again.

Then, he went upstairs to watch soccer, but first he offered to share a glass of wine with me. I declined, but drank Vitamin water and snuggled up next to him talking while he drank one. Then I had to go pick up our son from Tae Kwan Do.

When I got back, my daughter was just walking in the door. Dad greeted her, and already then she noticed alcohol on his breath. I didn't really notice he was still drinking, because he was upstairs watching soccer. I was watching sitcoms downstairs.

Well, my daughter watched one of her favorite shows with me and then went back to campus. After a good while, my husband came down and sat abruptly on the couch. He was acting a bit off, but I hadn't figured it out yet. It wasn't until I scooted over next to him and he groped me that I started getting annoyed. And then, his breath hit my face.

Ugh. I hate the smell of a drunk. It is definitely something he knows. He rarely drinks, which I appreciate. But when he does start drinking regularly, he just drinks more and more every day until it gets noticeable. He has promised, on more than one occasion, not to have more than two drinks at a time, so that I can feel safe. He agreed to this in therapy. He broke his word tonight.

That's classic PAPD of course. He has to find a way to provoke me to anger so he can let off all his repressed negative emotion. The more patient and kind the people around him, the harder he has to work to provoke them. I hate this personality disorder. >:[

Of course I let my annoyance be known. I didn't yell at him, but it doesn't really matter if I raise my voice or not. Those of you familiar with misogyny know that all a woman has to do is express disapproval or displeasure with a man in that frame of mind and she's a bitch.

And so it goes. Not only am I a bitch, it's probably that time of the month too, he tells me. He "apologizes" by saying that he's sorry I'm so easily offended. Sigh. When I ask him why he is breaking his promises and undoing all that we have accomplished so far, he retorts "why are YOU undoing everything".

And so. He is sleeping in the guest bedroom. He has been such a jerk tonight, walking away from all the love he has built these past weeks, tearing down the reputation for integrity he was rebuilding.

The good news. I am not crying. I am still smiling. I am unhappy with him, of course, and unhappy that he has betrayed me again. But I am not distraught. This makes me very proud.

My son is still up, all six foot two inches of him. I am not at all afraid that my husband will even think of trying to physically intimidate me anymore. I don't hide what's going on from the kids like I used to do.

I already texted my daughter and she is willing to come home if I need her. My son has told me that he's sorry his dad is relapsing (his words not mine) and that means the world to me. I know the only person in this household responsible for this ugly turn of events is my husband. Even more cool, I know the only person in this household who would blame me for this turn of events is my husband.

I am making progress. I can't believe I used to let him make me feel like the crazy one. I can't believe I used to cover for him, keeping all the conflict behind closed doors, crying and praying in private. I can't believe I used to be so full of turmoil when he would pull a little mind-screw head game like he is tonight.

I am happy. I think I'll check on him once more, see if he's sobered up, and if not, it is off to bed alone. Sure, it sucks that he lied to me again, causing me to hope only to disappoint me in hopes of a fireworks show. But the therapy is helping. And so, we will see what tomorrow brings.

Peace and good will, SS


  1. I am sorry this happened to you tonight. But I really rejoice with you that you are happy anyway, not taking his actions to heart like you used to. It must be so great to see that growth in yourself, that strength. Congratulations. Now, how to love him in this moment? Not gushy sweet love, but real, strong, love that wants the best for him? How do you do that? thank you for sharing your life. I think others are benefited by your story.

  2. Thank you! I too am really glad that I did not take his actions to heart. It's not like I worked at it; something has just changed inside (the EMDR?)and I did not feel compelled to seek immediate closure. It's wonderful.

    So, he did come to bed with me, pretty much without comment, which was good enough. In the middle of the night he began reaching for me to cuddle. I did not resist. No sense in that, since I want a mutually supportive love relationship myself.

    First thing in the morning he expressed regret that he had relapsed. No denial anywhere to be found. No blaming me. It was very mature and healthy.

    There were two issues I wanted to talk about: the first is that the latent misogyny has got to go. I can't be in a long term relationship with someone who discounts me as temporarily insane two weeks a month because I have a womb. All the disparaging comments in our culture about PMS and being "on the rag" give men license to disrespect women.

    He heard me out and agreed. I told him that truly giving up misogyny would put him at odds with about 90% (made up statistic) of our culture. Even women perpetuate this excuse for men to dismiss any criticism or unpleasant emotion from women as irrational. (For the record, I am in the first week following a period, not that it should matter to anyone.)

    I believe him. That's what the Life Skills literature is all about, erasing male privilege and misogyny from an abuser's mindset. He agreed to go back to reading that more regularly.

    He also apologized on his own for drinking too much. He broke his word on this one, having earlier promised no more than two drinks a night, and I do believe he will not fall into this snare again anytime soon.

    He is not a regular drinker. I have no problem with the occasional drink. It represents freedom in Christ to him, and I would never want to take that away from anyone! Alcohol is as much a gift from god as the grain it is made from. I am all for the responsible use of alcohol.

    But I hate drunks. Ugh. Often it seems, men use being drunk as an opportunity to let their uglier sides reign. Plus it stinks, and it is boorish. So, I won't stay in a relationship with a habitual drinker. That's always been a known fact around here.

    The other reason (any) drinking is not a good idea for him is that he is on anti-depressants. It is pretty obvious that taking a depressant like alcohol is a bad idea in that case.

    Of course, I started thinking up reasons as to why my husband, who was doing so well, would relapse. I am proud of myself that even thought I was already accommodating this slip up in my mind, I didn't share my thoughts with him. No excuses.

    But here I will share them: at the present time, he is specifically in the middle of dealing with the trauma of being dropped off at boarding school when he was seven years old. Therapy is only one hour a week. What isn't wrapped up in an hour that was stirred up does affect a person.

    Things are getting better, a lot better. :0

  3. Hi!

    Have you seen the movie "Recovery"?

    (It's on Youtube). It's about a woman in a similar situation as yours. Her husband has some serious mental problems, but she fights for her marriage (although making some mistakes on the way) and she finds that she has the inner strength to keep living with him despite his problems.

    ((Hugs)) & Prayers,


  4. {{shadowspring}} I've had brain fog for two days now so I can't reply as I'd like to but I don't want you to think I am not reading and praying. And glad that you and your hubby are both changing.

  5. *waves at Sandra and I-love-my-garden*

    Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.

    I know you love me, Sandra, and that amazes me and humbles me and makes me very grateful to God. You have permission to disappear from my comments section anytime you need to, but know I will still haunt your blog. ;-)

    I-love-my-garden, I am so going to check out that movie. Thanks for the hugs and the prayers both. =)

  6. Shadowspring,
    I finally figured out that my ex prefers to keep people from getting too close. If we had a close time, I could guarantee a nasty time would follow.

    I don't know if your hubby is like that, but it is something to consider. Some men think closeness is a threat, that it makes them less manly, less in control, or something. (Doesn't really make sense to me, its the way they think/feel.)

  7. Thank you for your comment. It is true that (especially with NPD) some men will follow a time of closeness with rejection, even violent rejection. NPDs do this to keep their victims off balance and enjoy the experiencing the power they have over the emotional well being of the other. It is a huge power trip.

    My husband isn't NPD. He struggles with PAPD, which he is overcoming through cognitive behavioral therapy and trauma therapy. I've been there, done that, unable to let go of the negative emotions stirred up in therapy.

    The big difference is I turn sadness and anger inward, whereas my husband (in this case) let it turn him to alcohol and belligerence.

    I am just really grateful he was able to shake himself free so quickly, and that it didn't send me into a paroxysm of panic to get him to fix it now, right now, gotta happen right now.

    All in all we are each growing more stable and healthy emotionally and in our relationship together. Looks like we are one of the lucky ones.