Prince Crab- a Venetian Folk Tale retold by Laura Cecil

I do not have time to type out this whole story, so I will give a recap and refer interested parties to the children's book A Thousand Yards of Sea: A Collection of Sea Stories and Poems complied by Laura Cecil with pictures by Emma Chichester Clark.

The story in a nutshell:

A sweet princess sees a huge, helpless crab about to be sold to the castle cook.  She feels compassion and gets her dad, the king, to buy the giant crab for her.  She puts the crab into the pond.  Every day she hangs out there, playing with the crab.

Except for several hours every day, the crab goes missing.  

The mystery of what the crab does when it goes missing gets the best of the princess.  One day while straining to peer into the depths of the pond to find out where the crab hides,she falls in.  She sees a passageway that she swims through.  It leads to a hidden kingdom, where she crawls out into a palace.

In the place where the crab goes when he is missing, he is not a crab anymore.  The crab shell opens to reveal a young prince trapped inside.  He climbs out at the command of the ruler of this palace, a witch.

The witch who runs this hidden palace has placed a spell on the prince, a spell that causes him to hide inside this crab shell for the rest of his life. He only comes out for the hours a day he spends in the witch's domain.  He explains that the witch wants him all to herself, that's why he has to hide in the crab shell forever.

I won't tell you how the story ends, but I find it fascinating how old folk tales have such hidden meaning.  My prince lives in a crab shell too.  His mother (the witch) forced him into it back when he was under her authority, in her castle.  Now he is "free" from the castle but not free from his mother (the witch)'s spell.

The princess wants to help the prince get free.  I want my prince to climb out of his shell once and for all.

The prince disappears, goes missing, for no apparent reason to a place the princess can't see.  My prince disappears emotionally, goes missing for no apparent reason, to a place inside himself that I can't see.

The witch is the one who keeps the prince locked in his crab shell, even when he is no longer living under her roof.  My husband is still locked away emotionally in the isolation his family of origin forced on him, even though he no longer lives under their roof.

Alas, my insight into how this folk tale mirrors my marriage fails at that point.  The princess is able to break the spell and help her prince escape in the story.  I am not sure I am able to help my prince escape.  Perhaps when I have figured out how the rest of the story will be meaningful to me too.

Anyway, I love children's literature, so I share this with you.  If you want to buy the book for a child in your life, or the child within, here is a link on Amazon:
A Thousand Yards of Sea by Laura Cecil

Shame is My Enemy in More Ways Than One

I am wary rather than hopeful today. Cynical even.  Ugh.

Last night when I got home, my husband told me he had made a mistake that cost us money.  Not drained the retirement fund or anything that bad, but he made a hotel reservation for an upcoming special occasion for last week instead of next week.  His card had been charged as a no-show.  Big whoop, right?  People make mistakes.  It happens.  Move on.

As he told me this, he was not a grown man standing in front of me expressing frustration over a snafu.  He was a little boy in posture, fearing punishment.  He stood with shoulders slumped and head hanging down, his body shriveled into as small a space as he could make while standing up straighter than usual (missionary kid thing?) and twisting a tiny piece of paper in his hands compulsively.  He looked like maybe a six year old?

I don't remember all the details, but I pointed out the posture and the self-recrimination in his voice and told him it was unnecessary, that people make mistakes.  I told him if you want to challenge the charge, don't do it like this, repeating how you contributed to the snafu over and over; merely point out that the reset on their web page changed the date on you and you didn't catch it this time.  Ask for a credit. And if they don't give it to you, oh well.  People make mistakes that cost money all the time. It's part of the human condition.

At first he got offended, and told me that I wasn't "helping".  I would have none of it.  I plainly replied something along the lines that I didn't see how telling him to lose the shame and stand up for himself or let it go was hurting him in any way.  He agreed, but still his body trembled like I was going to spank him or something. He went upstairs to think and hopefully change his mind-set.

When I went up almost forty-five minutes later, he was crying.  When I asked him what was wrong, it took a long time for him to be able to stop crying long enough to tell me.  Here's what he was doing TO HIMSELF!

He said that he was crying because this hotel reservation for our anniversary, and we were a couple barely surviving (WTF?  Seriously?  After all the effort, love, forgiveness and good will I put into this relationship you dare to say it is "barely surviving"?  How insulting to me!  Where is this coming from?) and it is all his fault.

That is such bull.  He is crying because HE IS DEPRESSED.  He is shaming himself because that's what he does when he's depressed.  Our relationship has nothing to do with it.  And if the past continues to repeat itself, a shift is coming.  A shift from shaming himself to ascribing all that shame and recrimination as coming from ME!  I see where this is going.

Three options for me: puke because that is just a disgusting display of self-pity; storm out self-righteously because according to him all the love I have to give is apparently quite measly, or do the "Christian" thing and comfort him, tell him it's not true, etc.  I chose a mix of all three.

I did comfort him, but I was also angry.  I told him that anniversaries aren't celebrations of accomplishments, they are celebrations of people!  The point was to celebrate his wife and shower her with love, not to congratulate himself on what a fine husband ( or berate himself for what a lousy husband) HE is!  Just like the drunken binge on Thanksgiving, this is coming out of nowhere.  There is no reason for him to start assuming  that divorce is imminent.  It's all in his fricking head, but guess what?

This is getting really, really old.  If he is never going to shake this depression no matter how long he is in therapy, I am not going to stay in the marriage.  If his hobby is going to be berating himself and then projecting that onto me, I am not going to stay in this marriage.

I don't understand why he is not making any progress!  He's been in therapy for two years!  He should be BETTER.  I am getting stronger every day.

I don't understand why he still doesn't pray about this problems (He was indignant when I asked him if he prayed about it. Why would God care about that? he retorted.  This pissed me off too, because he said it in such a way as to belittle those of us who believe  GOD DOES CARE ABOUT US!) or why he doesn't recognize these thoughts as damaging, evil lies that should be replaced with the truth- God does love him!  Jesus delivered him from all shame and now presents him holy and blameless!  You can cast all your cares on God because He cares for you! It's like even though we are both Christians, we have two completely different dieties and doctrinal beliefs.

Or lose the religion completely and at least replace it with logic: People make mistakes.  It's part of being human.  It's no big deal.  He could ask himself "WHY do I hate myself so much over a little mistake?" and start fixing the real problem.  That's what other adults do all the time.

Seriously, I am tired of being this guy's rock and getting nothing back.  All the emotional support is one-way around here, and then I still get blamed for his depression!  You got that, didn't you reader, that his telling himself that he's such a horrible husband that I am going to leave him.  The real reason for his shame and depression has nothing to do with me or our marriage.

I am fed up with the bullcrap.

I don't know what to do, but every single time he pulls this self-pity crap about how awful our relationship is, he pushes me one step closer to the door.  I don't want to be part of an  endless cycle of self-hatred and abuse.  If he won't step out of that cycle, then I will step out of that door.

It's really ironic.  I didn't have divorce on my mind at all.  I was looking forward to the weekend.  Now I'm thinking he could be on to something.  Maybe I am being Pollyanna again, when clearly he is not getting any better.  It just sucks. He could have it all if only he wasn't stuck in such a mentally unhealthy place.  Ugh.

ps After he came back downstairs, he opened his laptop and for all intents and purposes ceased to exist in this plane.  I was getting grief from my son over making him redo his homework, and my son started acting physically intimidating and threatening, just like his dad.  His dad didn't even notice.  He just kept on playing Sudoku online, or minesweeper, or solitaire, whatever it was last night.  Ugh.  I do all the parenting, ALONE, even when he's right there.  I am so not okay with this.

Progress Report

For my regular reader's info:

There are still posts that I keep hidden, meaning that there are still times when my husband reverts back to his former ways of thinking about me and about life.  This blog, including the posts that stay hidden, is really valuable to me in helping me evaluate the real pace of progress in healing our sucky home school marriage.  Things are improving, but a lot more slowly than I had initially hoped.  Still, there are real world reasons for this.

One: The first ministry that got us headed in the right direction, Joel and Kathy Davisson's Marriage Intensive, was both a blessing and a hindrance.  They opened up our minds (both mine and my husband's) to the truth that  the problems in our marriage were my husband's problems,  and that they were rightly called abuse.  They also tear down Biblically the false doctrine that a woman's submission is the key to solving all marriage problems, which I greatly appreciate. They team taught and were openly loving to each other, showing how a healthy marriage plays out in real life.  They hindered our path to healing by teaching that my husband could just change through will power and being accountable to their ministry financially and by on-going participation in their forums and group telephone counseling.  While that may indeed be all some people need to reform, my husband needs to both heal and reform.  Will power alone can not accomplish this.  I would say that while they are great diagnosticians, and are plainly right about some things that don't work, their solution is simplistic and ineffective in most abusive marriages, ours included.  The Davisson's add three pluses in the "improving" column for their diagnostics and example, but two minuses there as well for setting unrealistic expectations and offering an  ultimately unsatisfactory remediation plan.

Two:  Thankfully, the Davission's rightly credited Paul Hegstrom's Life Skills program for helping abusive spouses (and their co-dependent victims) understand the wrong thinking that leads to abuse and helps provide clear tools for breaking out of the stronghold of ingrained bad thinking.  We were lucky enough to have a 20 week Life Skills program offered within an hour of our home, and my husband completed the course.  When he  is actively in what I will now refer to as a "reptile brain state", returning to his Life Skills material is a marriage-saver.  It was at Life Skills that the concept of a cool down separation (or 'time out' to use a sports analogy) agreement called a Domestic Abuse Prevention Plan was proposed to us.  This DAPP has proven its worth repeatedly,  and is only useless when my husband doesn't stick to it.  Alas, that happens.  But score one plus in the "improving" column for Life Skills.

Three:  Cindy Kunsman and all of her very,  very important blog posts about PTSD add  at least two pluses in the "improving" column.  Thank you, Cindy!  You opened my eyes to the reality that my husband's issues had way more  to do with the abuse he himself had suffered as a child than I would have guessed.  Even your latest post about freezing was precious to me.  Do you know how many times I have seen my husband freeze up in  times of crisis?  Kudos to you.  You are a blessing.  Thanks to your research and the courage to post the results publicly, I was/am able to reset my expectations for my husband's recovery to a more reasonable level.  I now expect progress to be slow and take years.  I now accept  that he may be on anti-depressants the rest of his life and struggle emotionally for years to come.  As long as he continues in therapy and does not go back to blaming me for his unhappiness, I will stand by him.  Unfortunately, he still slips back into misogyny when his depression worsens.  Forays into "blame the wife" are of shorter duration than they were two years ago, but they still happen. For our marriage to last, he will have to abandon that course of thinking entirely.  Due to your input (and others as well) dear Ms. Kunsman, I rightly expect that to take years to totally retrain his brain, and like an alcoholic may continue to be tempted to drink in times of stress, my husband may continue to be tempted to turn his unhappiness on me.  As long as he admits and resists the temptation, I  am good to stay married.  I have a lot of compassion for him, but I am no one's scapegoat anymore.

Four: Fanda Eagles and MKSafety.net both helped me to understand what my husband went through as a child, and what he still continues to wrestle with.  I honestly thought missionary kid was the pedigree for spiritual prowess!  I did not understand what really happens to a child's heart when he is summarily dumped at boarding school in the name of God, or the horrible pedagogy behind the way these boarding schools are run.  Like Cindy's work, these forums have helped me come to grips with the great depth  of my husband's problems (pain) and  more accurately assess  a timeline for healing that is in line with real possibility.  I also found much support from people on these forums, and for that I am very, very grateful.  Two pluses, one for education and the other for moral support.

Five:  Antidepressants and EMDR therapy each put two pluses in the "improving" column.  Without either of these my husband would not be healing.  Add another  plus for my being in therapy,  and another couple of pluses for those who comment on my blog.  Your support and encouragement to me are tremendously helpful.

Six: Unfortunately, my husband's family of origin's addiction to fundamentalist religion and all the bad decisions and poor parenting that resulted add an unknown but prolific number of minuses to the "improving" column.  Will the pluses adding up ultimately be enough to overcome the damage done?  I am thinking that the answer to that question is a qualified "yes".  "Yes" because I have the support and strength to put the length of time into recovery that such a deep wounding in my husband's heart will require.  "Yes" because he is willing to face the truth about himself and his family and his need for medication and therapy.  However, if he were to stop taking medications too early (may be he'll need them the rest of his life) or quit therapy too early, then the "yes" could revert to "no".  But for now, it looks like a "yes".

I thought a progress report was in order.  Much thanks to all who put a plus in the "improving" column.

Peace and good will, SS

Great Link about PTSD/EMDR and past abuse

Post Traumatic Stress: what it is (biology), what makes it worse and what helps it heal.

HUGE shout out of thanks to Cindy Kunsman for posting this!  Girlfriend, you are doing so much good in the world.   You teach us so much about our brains and why we experience so much pain from spiritual and emotional abuse.  I can't thank you enough for your web site.  You have blessed more people than you will ever know.  Stay strong sister, and know you are very dearly loved!

Still reeling

I am still reeling from the blows to my heart that came from seeing my sister.  Being with her in person was hard enough, but her bizarre response to my sending her flowers pushed me over the edge.  I had been perilously close to the edge of depression.  I am afraid that listening to her voice mail, one that should have said:

"Thanks for the flowers!  They are so beautiful and you are so thoughtful."

but instead went something like:

"Um, I just got some flowers from you, and...what exactly are you trying to say? (tinge of anger in voice, then the command) Call me back, we need to talk."

Then of course life keeps happening.  I've been encouraging my kids to go to therapy while they were still on our insurance, and they are both taking me up on that now.  This week in fact.

Guess what that includes?  They are going to be dealing with the fall-out from all those years I was trying to give them the perfect childhood according to Christian Book Distributors while dealing with an abusive marriage as well as trying to figure out what was up with my daughter and be both father and mother to my son.  

I was at times a screaming banshee.  I'm not proud of that, but I am proud that I was 1000 times better of a mom than I had modeled to me. I have forgiven myself for falling apart when I did, but that doesn't mean it was any less hard on my kids. Hence the encouragement to counseling by me.  

All that doesn't excuse me from responsibility for the times I lost it (including today, I'm afraid) when the pressure of my life was more than I could cope.  Today, though, was not the best day to be confronted with that old crap.  I knew it had to happen.  I encouraged it to happen.  I just shouldn't have to deal with my old abusive family of origin AND my personal failures as a mother at the same time.  That's just asking too much.

For the first time in years, I am experiencing the same symptoms of depression my husband has been going through.  If it isn't cleared up in two weeks, I'll mention it to my therapist and we'll see about where to go from there.  The logical side of my brain knows that this will pass and I will go on to living my dreams in happiness and contentment before long at all.

One thing is really different though.  It is becoming plain that I will never be loved and accepted in my family of origin.  I though that my oldest sister, with the help of God, was wanting to honestly do "whatever it takes" to heal the rifts.  Now I am doubtful that she was honest.  I don't think she understood the cost, that she would have to give up her bias in the story where she is the hero, mom is the victim and my twin and I are the villains.  She likes that story.  It makes her feel good about herself.

So, what do you think, ifriends?  Should I just break it off for good?  Wondering what other folks out there have done.

Does it ever end?

Probable Cause Affidavit in the Hanna Williams case

If you will take the time to read the above link about the tragic death of Hanna Williams, one thing becomes painfully clear.  Child abuse is never one on one.  The whole family system is complicit in the abuse of a scapegoated child.  Now where older sibling are concerned, it is apparent that the vilification of the scape goated child was not their original idea.  Clearly it all comes from the parents and is taken up as accepted truth by the other children the way all the family truths are transmitted.  In most families, the truths are benign and even beneficial: one must clean one's plate before getting dessert, or bedtime is always nine o'clock on a school night, or one should always brush your teeth after meals.  Only sick twisted families pass on ideas like: the outcast child is rebellious, disobedient, a liar.

As you read through this affidavit, notice how often those three words are used about Hanna BY HER SIBLINGS.  These same children watched her freeze to death, all the while encouraging themselves to denounce and taunt her as faking her symptoms of hypothermia because she was a bad person.

The mother uses word forms of "rebellious", "refuse" and "pretending" in her statement.  She admits to using her older children to carry out her orders to "check to see" what Hanna was doing- not to help Hanna or make sure she was safe but merely to spy and report to mom what was happening.

When detective first interviewed the other children, they reported that "They all stated that HGW
was "rebellious" and disrespectful  to their parents and that HGW didn't mind their mother."  The emphasis on the word ALL  is mine.  This is how I grew up.  My other sisters would have said the EXACT SAME WORDS ABOUT ME had anyone ever bothered to intervene in our family while I was growing up.

When the surviving adopted child could not remember his birthday, the mother interjected that he "chose" not to take part in a birthday celebration.  All the abuse against this boy and his sister is excused in the family as being the fault of the victim.  The victims either chose it, or they deserved it, or they were lying about it or faking the symptoms of abuse.

The 16 yr old sibling "continually used the word "rebellious" and indicated that both HGW and IJW were rebelling  and would  be disciplined for their behavior."


The 11 yr old male sibling "said that HGW and IJW were rebellious and they were punished ... Neither one
were allowed  to celebrate  their birthdays  because they didn't deserve it."


The 11 yr old female sibling " indicated  me that (Hanna) lived in the closet for disobeying" and admitted she "didn't like (Hanna) but loved her as her sister..."  She further stated that "(Hanna) was spanked because  she was "disobedient"  all of the time. She stated that (Hanna) had to be outside "all of the time." She said (Hanna( was outside because (Hanna) could not obey"

The 7 yr old female sibling " said she saw (Hanna) on the night of her death and "(Hanna) was pretending  she was cold and couldn't  walk."..When asked why (Hanna) had to eat outside (she) stated "my mom said we don't want to look it her grumpy  face."  


The children boldly say that they did not like their sister, morever they said it was because she was rebellious, could not obey, was a thief and a liar and faked the symptoms of abuse.

My older and younger sister would have said the same things about me if you had asked.  They would maintain these suspicions about me today.  I just sent my older sister flowers and she reacted with suspicion.  Since they came from me, in her mind there had to be something sinister about my intention.  In her mind, I am incapable of good will from a good heart.  It's been over thirty years since we were children.

I don't think it is possible my my family of origin to stop the abuse.  My sisters may have been coopted into the abuse against their will as children, but it still forms their narrative of our family.  It will not be undone.  Maybe it can't be undone.  Mom will never recant any of her behavior or her lies, so if it relies on her then there will be no change of narrative.

And even though my older sister says she wants to see change in our family dynamic, she automatically shows anger and suspicion towards me every time we are together.  She fights it to some extent, but it is so deeply ingrained in her mind, it is as much a part of her narrative of life as that the sun rises in the east.

To her mind, Shadowspring is:
Rebellious
Liar
Disobedient
Wicked
Selfish
Mean

It will never end, as far as I can see. Abusive family systems don't change. The best that you can do is get the hell out and stay the hell out of these damaging families.  They won't let you be anything except what they choose to label you.  Thirty years out, the answer is still NO, IT NEVER ENDS.

New Years New Idea

I have a new idea for myself in 2012.  I am not going to church anymore.

I might change my mind, if God should open some door I don't know about, so I hesitate to call it a resolution. It's more of an idea.  A marvelous, life-affirming idea I should have had a long time ago.

The institution of the church has failed me far more often than it has ever supported me.  No, I have been the one supporting it: with my time, talents, affection and money.  I have taught Sunday school, youth groups, Bible studies and openly participated in almost every opportunity for feedback that there is.  I have attended prayer meetings, been painfully transparent in times of public confession, and sang in worship with unbridled enthusiasm.  My intelligence, compassion, sincerity of faith, commitment to the gospel and unwavering good will have been evident to all.

What I have received in return for my investment is: jealousy, resentment, isolation, and open disrespect.  The last straw was my most recent church "home", who had people in leadership engaging in conversations (without me present) about my facebook posts.  These conversations led to my page being watched by the pastor.  On October 31st, he took issue with one of my posts because he felt it was a) inaccurate and b) could be construed to cast a negative light on the church.

The post I wrote was to explain the principle of the fallacy of guilt by association.  I wrote of how one person who attended our church was found guilty of a crime, which is true, but that did not make us a congregation of criminals.  The part that was inaccurate:  this person (a perfectly decent human being, by the way) had done volunteer work for the church while living in one of our buildings for a season as he was homeless otherwise. I put this in my facebook post as "hired and harbored" as I do love alliteration.

The pastor took offense at the word hired, and was extremely offended that I would post that a member of our congregation had been convicted of a crime. Now this person had just stood up in front of the church and told his whole story a few weeks earlier, so its not a big secret on his part.  Also, this person is now involved in a ministry to the homeless himself, where he regularly shares his story of heartache and restoration as a means to inspire others to follow Jesus and work for a better future with hopeful hearts.

Pastor said he was offended for that person's sake, as if I were openly gossiping about someone who had requested anonymity.  Well, that was not accurate, but I had no problem deleting the post.  My brother was offended, and I am smart enough to find a dozen other illustrations to make a point.  Also, he took issue with the word "hired" as we never actually paid the person for their services.  All the work they did was on a volunteer basis.  So that was also inaccurate on my part, and again I had no problem deleting the post in its entirety.

The problem is this:  the pastor called me and began berating me without allowing me to speak in return.  He asked no questions of me, and he refused all my attempts to speak.  He just kept talking over me.  I was driving down the road, in the dark and the rain, with my family in the car, when I took his call.  My husband and son are witnesses to everything, as all calls to my cell phone while I am in the car automatically come over bluetooth.

I tried to tell him he was on speakerphone, but he refused to allow me to speak.  I tried to reassure him that I would happily discuss this with him when I was safely pulled over, but he refused to allow me to speak.  I tried to tell him that at present I could do nothing about the post, but that  I would delete it at my first opportunity.  He did not allow me to speak.  This went on for probably 3-5 minutes, with me trying to speak when he would stop to catch his breath, only to have him talk right over me anyway.  He kept saying, "You need to listen to me!" every time I would attempt to speak.

My customer service training kicked in, and I was actually very calm.  My husband on the other hand, was pretty offended.  "He has no right to tell you what to put on your facebook!  You have freedom of speech!  this is America!" or something  very similar came out of his mouth.  I would later be called a liar by my pastor (his last words to me in fact) because I denied that these words were mine.

This "man of God" just called me to rant, chew me out, rake me over the coals, use whatever phrase you want. There was absolutely no respect towards me as a human being at all.  I can not imagine being spoken to like this by any professional person, much less a person who makes a living representing the Lord Jesus Christ.

The ranting continued, until I had to hang up on him.  I repeated (unfortunately had to talk over him as he would not allow me to speak) that I needed to go because it was not safe to continue the call, but I would call him back and speak to him as soon as I safely could. Then I hung up.  A very few seconds later, my husbands cell phone rang.  The same thing happened: pastor ranting, husband not allowed to speak, eventually my husband was compelled to hang up because it was not a conversation but a rant.

It was all so completely unnecessary.  He could have kindly asked me to delete the post, and I would have done so with no hesitation.  I did delete the post, not because it was poorly written or wrong in any way other than the word "hired".  I deleted it because I live a life of honor to the Lord Jesus Christ.  "As far as lieth in you, live in peace with all men...If your brother is offended, do whatever it takes to make sure your brother."  I live a life of obedience as far as I can. In fact, I apparently take the words of Christ far more seriously than my pastor.

I did call him back, after I was pulled over.  He had calmed down some and I was able to speak a bit.  However in no time he began to agitate himself again, and started to rebuke for my saying, "I have freedom of speech, and I can write what I want."  Now,*I* never said that.  I live by the law of liberty in Christ Jesus, and I know that I can not write whatever I want if it causes harm or offense to a brother.  I never said those words, and so I told him, "I never said that.  All I said was that I couldn't talk right then and...."

That's as far as I got before my pastor spoke over me again, in an exasperated and loud voice, saying, "Oh YOU are SUCH a LIAR!"

I had enough.  I replied, "Now you have crossed a line." and I hung up.

Do you think this man of God, who stands in front of a congregation every week representing the Lord Jesus Christ has  called to apologize?  No, he has not.  This man, who gets paid 75k a year to encourage the saints, willfully disrespects me and feels no shame.  He sees no reason to obey the word of God himself, and I can think of many scriptures that apply here:

Galatians 6:1 ¹Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

James 1:19 ¹⁹Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

I Timothy 5:1-2a ¹Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;  ²The elder women as mothers;

Proverbs 18:13 ¹³He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

Matthew 5: ²³Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;   ²⁴Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

I Corinthians 13: ⁵Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

Proverbs 10: ¹⁷He is in the way of life that keepeth instruction: but he that refuseth reproof erreth. ¹⁸He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool. ¹⁹In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.

I wish this was an isolated incident, but my experience abounds with arrogant pastors who fleece the flock for a living without caring for the hearts they pastor.  Why should I attend church, when I will not be respected as a mother in the faith or even as a fellow disciple?  I should not have to prove myself again to anyone, and why would I bother when I know that it is a losing proposition anyway?  I am a woman.  I will not be respected.   I will be milked for my tithe and for any  other work that can be had from me, but my spiritual insight, scriptural knowledge and devotion to God will be dismissed out of hand.  I will not be treated with respect.

And so I am done with the church.  Since I was nineteen years old I have built my life around the institution of the church.  This is an entirely new idea for me: how to live as a disciple without the institution.  It is a great idea, and I am not alone in coming to this conclusion.  The institution of Christianity is not making the world a better place and it is not leading people to a love relationship with Jesus.  It is a hindrance and a stumbling block.  The sooner it dies, the better off the real body of Christ will be.

May Jesus Christ live big in you and I today.