Friday, July 16, 2010

Every Hidden Thing Will Be Revealed

I have decided to publish and leave published all my posts about my troubled marriage, the therapy we are in, what it's like for me, for my children, and as best as I can see for my husband. No more hidden things.

I hope that my journey is helpful to others, but honestly I am not sure where the journey will end, though I am hopeful it will be good one day. I am currently waiting for my husband to come out of his reptilian brain so I can talk to him. He slipped back there last night and hasn't successfully crawled out yet.

The blog is helping me because I can see that it has been a good while since my husband of good will has slipped away from me and stayed gone, hidden inside his mind. So even though it is disheartening to me that this is happening again, it is encouraging to read that the last time it happened was June 6th. That means real progress, since he has been reconnected with me in a love relationship without significant broken relationship for six and a half weeks! That is a new record, and I take joy in that. =D

Also, the therapist warned me it would get worse again. So far in therapy they have focused on the good memories. This past week she started talking about traumas. There are still many monumental things that he doesn't remember, though he knows they happened to him- like being left at boarding school for the first time.

I think talking about it is stirring up memories deep inside of him, though he is really good at denial so he is resisting talking about the painful stuff. I think if I can ever talk to him again, instead of the Trauma, we could work it all. We could be in a love relationship of mutual support again, and he would appreciate my standing by him.

But now he's in the Reptilian brain, the Trauma, the Depression, the Abuse mindset. Pick your label. It means that I can't communicate with him, because everything he hears/sees is filtered through that mean, self-centered, prideful persona. I could try to communicate with him- I have for years-but that only gets me back on the basketball court with the iguana.

Say a prayer for me. I don't know how tonight is going to play out. This started last night on a walk about nine o'clock and it still isn't over yet. Peace.


  1. many virtual hugs and lots of prayers in every realm--virtual, material, and anywhere else that counts! Give yourself some space to be safe. Love to you all!


  2. I'll be praying. Your writing and perspectives have been very encouraging and inspiring, and I appreciate the emotion I sense when you write. Hang in there, sis.

  3. I hope he snaps out of it very soon! Go do something fun, meanwhile.


  4. Praying for you and for healing for him.

  5. I'll always and forever want God's best for you and yours. May healing spring forth on the waste places of you marriage and your lives.

    My meditation verse for today is Hosea 6:3. Perhaps there is something in it that can bless you as well.

  6. Thank you all my internet friends. I appreciate your support! It is very helpful to me, especially after reading your blogs and getting a glimpse of the people you are.

    Last night things sort of turned around, but this morning he was back there again. However, he worked his plan, took his timeout and came back human and vulnerable.

    I think this is just delayed reaction from his parents visit last weekend. He is so hurt!

    We are going for a walk by the river today, that should be fun. And I just colored my daughter's hair and that was fun. I will look for more fun today, L. And I will think of you while I smile. =)

    On a new note, just purchased a book The Fall of Patriarchy: Its Broken Legacy Judged by Jesus & the Apostolic House Church Communities .

  7. Hang in there sweetheart. Though I don't know how it affects marriages...I can totally relate to the hurt and frustration in "reptilian minded" people (like my parents.) My father still doesn't remember abusing me and its real. People forget hurt, its part of our minds way of coping (though it may not be healthy). And it hurts those of us who are remembering and processing the pain...often alone.

    Much love and hugs!!

  8. OH, MofM, your love and hugs are precious to me! Thank you. =)

    We had a good afternoon; went for a short hike in the woods, took my son and his girlfriend to Barnes and Noble. Now we're going to go get some groceries together. He's doing well- loving, communicating. He's living in the here and now.

    EMDR is a god-send for him, and me. Next appointment is Tuesday. I think he's gonna be able to hold on till then.

    Thanks for all your prayers and love, SS

  9. Oh so glad he was able to follow his plan for the Crazy Days. that is the hardest part, maybe--actually sticking to the plan when the rubber hits the road and you want so much to seek the comfort of the old habits. Muchos kudos to him! I continue keeping you all in my prayers.