I have decided to publish and leave published all my posts about my troubled marriage, the therapy we are in, what it's like for me, for my children, and as best as I can see for my husband. No more hidden things.
I hope that my journey is helpful to others, but honestly I am not sure where the journey will end, though I am hopeful it will be good one day. I am currently waiting for my husband to come out of his reptilian brain so I can talk to him. He slipped back there last night and hasn't successfully crawled out yet.
The blog is helping me because I can see that it has been a good while since my husband of good will has slipped away from me and stayed gone, hidden inside his mind. So even though it is disheartening to me that this is happening again, it is encouraging to read that the last time it happened was June 6th. That means real progress, since he has been reconnected with me in a love relationship without significant broken relationship for six and a half weeks! That is a new record, and I take joy in that. =D
Also, the therapist warned me it would get worse again. So far in therapy they have focused on the good memories. This past week she started talking about traumas. There are still many monumental things that he doesn't remember, though he knows they happened to him- like being left at boarding school for the first time.
I think talking about it is stirring up memories deep inside of him, though he is really good at denial so he is resisting talking about the painful stuff. I think if I can ever talk to him again, instead of the Trauma, we could work it all. We could be in a love relationship of mutual support again, and he would appreciate my standing by him.
But now he's in the Reptilian brain, the Trauma, the Depression, the Abuse mindset. Pick your label. It means that I can't communicate with him, because everything he hears/sees is filtered through that mean, self-centered, prideful persona. I could try to communicate with him- I have for years-but that only gets me back on the basketball court with the iguana.
Say a prayer for me. I don't know how tonight is going to play out. This started last night on a walk about nine o'clock and it still isn't over yet. Peace.