This is a short post, and rushed, with no time to edit, like yesterdays post. Muddle through as best you can, online friends. :)
I start clinicals next week for the CNA class I am currently taking, AND two eight hour shifts shadowing a medical sonography technician. Wish me well.
I am of two minds concerning "the cycle of abuse" referenced in discussions about domestic violence/abuse. Yes, it's real, on that I agree. What exactly is happening is a matter of debate.
My opinion based on my experience, is that post-traumatic stress disorder is the true cause, and unresolved traumas are not going away on their own. There is no way someone can determine to not react to a stressor when they have unresolved traumas in their psyche that are affecting their thinking and therefore their behavior.
So, when there are no stressors, the (for lack of a better term) abusive partner is happy, loving, supportive, all in all a regular person with a regular capacity for gratitude, joy, affection, etc. But let a stressor occur, and that person is triggered back into the age/thought life he was at the time of the initial trauma. Some people live in this state almost all the time. Very sad.
Others muddle through as best they can, avoiding traumas when they can. Once these wounded people start therapy, there is at first resistance and denial. It's hard to accept that one's thinking is disordered, especially when shame is part of the traumas one has suffered. It is survival instinct to blame others and project negative emotions you don't think good people should feel onto others.
So, I was counting down the days and weeks from the last abusive incident at our house, hoping for a new record. I think we are going to make it, though things are hinky right now as my husband's fundamentalist family just dropped by yesterday for a visit.
Still, even though my husband slipped back into PAPD patterns and projected both his families dysfunction and his anger about it on to me twice in the past 24 hrs, each time he acted on his DAPP on his own, and came out acknowledging that HE was not in a good place mentally. No groveling apologies (which may or not be sincere)-yay! No denial- yay! But an honest apprisal of the situation, and appropriate apologies offered realistically where needed.
This is awesome! I am pleased.
Now for the rant about his fundamentalist dysfunctional family system: OMG!
One of the accusations he makes when he is "in a bad place" is that I don't care what he thinks or how he feels. While this is not true of me, it is SPOT ON about his family of origin. Yesterday it was on full display, when my husband questioned the doctrine of eternal damnation.
(For the few who know me IRL, check out his facebook discussion about Osama bin Laden for a sample! Feel free to show him some support. =)
Immediately he was shut down and shut out. Without giving any consideration to my husband's actual words, my former missionary brother-in-law went into full fundamentalist apologetic shutdown mode. He argued against whatever meaning he wanted to ascribe to the words my husband used. He called him irresponsible and dangerous, comparing my husband's question to encouraging children to run with scissors. And though my husband started out asking questions, not one question was directed to him.
He is right. No one care what he thinks. No one cares how he feels. Fundamentalism will tell you what to think and what you're allowed to feel. Any hint that you might be considering life outside those lines is immediately shamed. You are not a friend asking questions; by asking questions you have become DANGEROUS and you must be SHUT DOWN!
I had to leave the house it pissed me off so much. I walked across the street to my neighbors and she asked, "what are you up to?" to which I replied, "Avoiding WW III, doing my part for world peace."
I watched my husband's family drive away without saying goodbye.
I am so angry. They don't love my husband. They don't know my husband and they aren't interested in knowing my husband. They do not care for his heart. They only care that he assent to their beliefs and that's ALL.
Of course he's "not in a good place". He is coming out of denial and facing really ugly hard truths about who cares for him and who doesn't. He is facing head on the reality that his family has never had unconditional love for anyone. No wonder they get so angry at the notion that God is not hatefully ostracizing and torturing their enemies for all eternity. That really is the core of their beliefs.
Wow. I thought they knew Jesus, who says "him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out" and the One who will reconcile "ALL THINGS to himself". They are the big brother in the parable of the Prodigal, and boy will they be pissed if it turns out God really is going to reconcile all people to Himself.
They WANT people to burn in hell for all eternity, and for nothing more than being born in the wrong place at the wrong time. They WANT a god who is weak, who fails at redemption, only able to save a few, as long as they are in that elite. They WANT a god that is two-faced; they don't want Jesus. They want fundamentalism.