Thursday, December 15, 2011

Depression is Getting Worse

Yowch.  On the heels of yesterday's post, my husband is sinking deeper into depression again. I have absolutely no idea what to do.  He woke up at 2:30 and "couldn't" get back to sleep (I don't know if it is couldn't literally or was too sad in his thoughts so he wanted to try to distract himself with television?).

This worried me greatly, as insomnia is often a precursor to an abusive  incident.  I am starting to think the abuse is a manifestation of depression.  He cried all morning, came home, cried all lunch.  In between the crying when I hold him are the angry accusations that he was happy until *I* started talking to him.  Not true of course, and in his more lucid moments he is really grateful for my being there.

He seems to be sucked into a vortex of shame.  I am unable to help him.

I'm at a loss.  Anyway, those of you who pray please pray.  I am safe and so are my kiddos and I just got my grades back for the semester, 4.0 again.  A ray of sunshine to close out with: I got a 96 on my Physics final exam.  It took me four hours, but I pulled it off.  Yay me!


  1. Dad gummit, that sounds terrible. Whatever you decide to do, you'll have my encouragement behind you.

  2. Yay you! And yeah, the depression sounds horrible. Bad time of year, no sunshine, short days, I think it affects all of us and is really hard on those with depression. If he's crying all the time the meds are NOT WORKING. If he's having sleep disturbances the meds are NOT WORKING. It's not you, and it's not even him at this point, it's the stupid brain chemicals (not that that gives him any right or excuse to abuse, nor should it have any effect on you leaving, if you feel the need to). What does his doctor say?
    I'll definitely be praying for both of you.

  3. Thanks for all the interwebz support! It does mean a lot to me.

    I talked to him about calling his doctor yesterday, and he did not like the idea. But I plan to keep bringing it up. I agree Final, it's not really a choice at this point. It's biology.

    He's thinking more clearly about me, so that's a bonus. Yesterday I found this:

    This paragraph could explain a lot:

    While those attitudes can change with new relationships, introspection, and therapy, in times of stress old patterns often reassert themselves, the researchers note. A mistreated infant becomes a defensive arguer; a baby whose mother was attentive works through problems, secure in the goodwill of the other person.

    I know missionary moms were encouraged to leave the babies with others and focus on the mission. I honestly did not fathom how utterly emotionally devastating mission life is for missionary kids, at least those from traditional (can you call something that only started in earnest in the 1900s traditional?) missions.

    I am sure there are families that CAN love their own and have a mission career, like any other career. Families with two parents in the workforce pull it off all the time. However when your religion is built on destroying the human heart with guilt, shame, and high demands of external behavior, the world doesn't really NEED you to be exporting your religion. :\

    Good news! The mission my husband's family was with put out a newsletter that many countries are closing the door to missions. Too bad they will not use this reality to double-check the quality of their product, like smart people do. (There's a reason people don't buy!) Nope, they are just looking at ways to 'sneak' people into these closed countries under cover of some other profession.

    I am praying for the end of the era of professional mission organizations. Christianity had no marketing strategy to start with, and true Christianity doesn't need one now. Is your heart truly aflame with the love of God? People will love you! They will WANT to be your friend and you can discuss spiritual matters to every heart's content.

    If you need manipulative marketing techniques and organizations to sell your religion, because there is no market demand otherwise, then no one needs your religion in the first place. It seems so plain to me.