Friday, December 16, 2011

Depression sucks

Things are going a bit better this morning, though depression never plays fair so that could change at any time.  At least there were large swathes of uninterrupted sleep last night.

I spent a lot of time researching depression yesterday, specifically, major depressive episodes.  I am also doing my best to encourage and love on my husband as much as I can.  It's tricky, because when he needs it most is when he is most cynical about my sincerity.  That is a hallmark of depression.  Depression sucks.  I hate it.

One of the articles I read yesterday was this:

Ability to Love Takes Root in Infancy

This particular paragraph jumped out at me:

“Before you can remember, before you have language to describe it, and in ways you aren’t aware of, implicit attitudes get encoded into the mind” about how you’ll be treated or how worthy you are of love and affection, he said.  While those attitudes can change with new relationships, introspection, and therapy, in times of stress old patterns often reassert themselves, the researchers note. A mistreated infant becomes a defensive arguer; a baby whose mother was attentive works through problems, secure in the goodwill of the other person.

A mistreated infant becomes a defensive arguer.  It  is a most apt and succinctly put description of my husband's communication style when what I have called "an abusive episode"  is taking place.  I have my own grandmother (and the great good fortune to have been born a twin, so that my mom sent us away to live with my grandmother as infants!) to thank for the reality that I can even attempt to "work(s) through problems, secure in the goodwill of the other person."

Yet another reason that the Pearls and Ezzos of this world should be shouted down so strongly by civilized society that they spend the rest of their lives hiding in obscurity, making bonfires of all their published works as an act of penance in hopes that they will find mercy at the end of their lives.

Anyway, it's certainly food for thought for me.  I have a lot of IRL work to do today, so I won't put out all my comments on the subject right now.  I have my own  comment on yesterday's post which shares a bit more, if anyone is interested.

Peace and good will, SS


  1. "though depression never plays fair so that could change at any time" so true.

    I've just finished reading your last 3 posts, and I'm fighting back the tears. My own depression has been rather more difficult to handle the past few months (though nothing so severe as your husband's) so this hits home. I'm so glad you're working to understand it, that you can interpret the hurtful things he says to you as a part of his illness, not a part of who he is or how he really thinks. He is so lucky to have someone like you. (And not that what he says doesn't hurt, and not that you shouldn't also take care of yourself and be concerned about your own emotional well-being, but you do seem to have a good grasp on that too.) I'm not really sure what else I'm trying to say except thank you. It's encouraging to know that other people can understand that when we get depressed, we say things we don't mean. We know that the way we are perceiving reality is skewed, but we just can't break out of it. We know that the things we tell ourselves are lies, but they just feel so true. We know our depressed thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies, but sometimes even knowing all these things just isn't enough to pull us out of it. Some days (weeks, months) are just bad days, and there's no magic button to fix it. We just need people who will stick around and who will, with good will, endeavor to see through to the root the hurtful things we say instead of just reacting against them with more hurt and anger. Thank you.

    I feel like I've gone on too long, I'm sorry. Or perhaps too personally, since I don't really know you and haven't commented much, I don't know. But it's the internet, these things happen. Choosing to be vulnerable...that's part of the healing too.

  2. ((((Cheri)))

    Thanks you so much for commenting! I will add you to my prayers, for whatever they are worth, and hope that the depression stalking you dies an early death and you can experience love, laughter, peace and hope again. It breaks my heart to read that you are struggling.

    If it's any help, please invite your friends and family to read here. I'm only one person, but if my story can help in any way I'd love it to be shared.

    And thank you for your concern about me. I am feeling good and taking care of myself. EMDR therapy has made that a reality, almost effortlessly (except that finding a therapist and keeping appointments counts as effort!).

    I hope you find lots of love and acceptance today. Peace and good will, SS

  3. Shadowspring, I just checked back in, and wow! You've really been through the ringer since that Howie Mandel special. I hope someday he comes to understand what he's doing to people. It's a damned shame. And I mean that literally.

    I said a little prayer for your and your husband.

  4. I wanted to thank for this great read!I really enjoyed reading.

  5. Thanks, Kristen. Glad you found it worth your time, what is add.