(NOTE: This post was removed by me almost immediately, in light of his apology and true turn-around shortly after I wrote this out. I am re-posting in the interests of honesty, for all who are following my story for whatever reason. The true journey- to healing or (less likely) divorce- should be shown to all. Too many people only post either the good or the bad, and the messiness of the journey is then obscured. And so the post removed is now re-posted.)
Well, the reptile brain is at it again. My husband is being a total jerk to me, and then responding back that my reactions to his abuse are, in fact, abusive to him. *sigh*
I know this happens to every woman in this situation. I am okay with having been so supportive for so long, because I can know that I have put scripture into practice and gone the extra mile. Still it sucks that after all this time, he still gives himself permission turn on me unexpectedly, and with such strong negative emotion. Yes, I understand it's all from within him, and what I said or did just happened to trigger an opportunity to vent all the feelings inside that are overwhelming him right now. But you know what? It doesn't look like my understanding this, or making allowances for it, are helping any.
It is starting to look like the only way to avoid being the target of his resentment is to avoid him. Ouch.
I will not stop being who I am. I will not stop asking questions or verbalizing the thoughts in my head that spring up in the course of a conversation. That is an essentially human quality, and it's why I can talk for hours on the phone with a beloved girlfriend. I will not become my mother-in-law.
The night my husband asked me to marry him, we were at his grandparent's house. That is one of the saddest relationships I have ever seen. His granny talked to her cats as if they were people, even supplying the other side of the conversation for them. His pappy watched sports on television. When my husband asked me to marry him, I told him that I was not signing up for a relationship like his grandparents. He agreed that what they had going on was awful, and that he would never let that happen to us.
Fast forward to today. Yesterday I tried to talk to my husband about how unequal our relationship seemed to be. Specifically, how I am always trying to understand him and support him, and he pretty much lets me take care of myself. I have some health issues that have been bothering me for months, some of which I have sought medical help for and others that I just accommodate. When I asked him how many times I had sought medical help for the one problem, he said once. I have been to the doctor about this problem three times in the past two months. Other symptoms are such that they are definitely noticeable and out of place-leg cramps/tension so bad I have to get up in the middle of the night to stretch and take ibuprofen, plus I have started sleeping with pillows at the end of the bed to prop my feet against to keep my legs sort of stretched while I sleep. See, this bothers me that he doesn't put any effort into understanding what I am going through, when I put so much effort into understanding what he is going through.
So, this morning, he started researching my symptoms online, and came up with a possible reason for them, which has to do with an unusual impulse purchase he made about a year ago. Naturally, imo, this led to my asking why does he think he makes such purchases. I expected a thoughtful response, anything from "I don't really know." to "When I was a child...." What I did not expect was being told that he was discussing my health symptom and we would not be discussing his behavior, and told in an ice-cold, menacing tone. His evolved human brain shut off; his reptile brain activated.
I left the room. I understood he had just been triggered, that much was obvious. What I am still working on is the balance between taking up for myself, in an attempt to save the relationship, or just leaving him alone, recognizing that there IS no saving this relationship. It seems like I would have to become my mother-in-law to have freedom from conflict, just allowing him to decide what I am allowed to bring up and meekly accepting that from him. But I have seen where that leads. She just continued to shrink in my father-in-law's estimation every time she 'submitted' to him, i.e. let him shut her down. That is not how I intend to live out my days.
So, I went back and told him how that made me feel. Waste of time. The communication-ending thing that abusers do, is portray themselves as victims in their own minds. In his mind, asking about his impulse purchases was clearly just picking on him, and now my returning to tell him that I felt shut down and marginalized was just more picking on him. His anger had not dissipated one iota. His point of view is set in stone. He was being a hero, looking up my symptoms and proposing a solution, and I was ungrateful.
The fact that he paid absolutely no attention to my health until I confronted him about it? Irrelevant. He should be honored for doing it now AS IF it was truly the result of his own empathetic heart and not something I prodded. And the solution? I should just be grateful he hit upon the possible solution, and ignore the fact that an impulse purchase he made a year ago might be the direct reason for my health problems. And my asking about why he thinks he does that, makes impulse purchases? That was not me trying to understand him; that was me shaming him, in his mind.
He left for work still in his reptile brain. Now I can easily accommodate him. He had an assignment last night to write a letter to his dad about how he feels towards him, and how his past has affected him. I can totally understand how remembering all that would make him super-sensitive to shaming in his own head. He grew up with that, and it was almost always pointedly indirect (not my style at all!). Plus he broke the family rules in even writing down his pain- don't feel, don't trust, don't tell- so I am sure his own conscience is shaming him for getting out of line.
But that is NOT ME. He may lay the blame for his feelings of shame and anger at my feet, but it was NOT ME. There is no point in analyzing the conversation for things I could have said differently, because if it wasn't this conversation, he would've hit a trigger in our next conversation. He has negative feelings that need a release, and he has given himself permission to dump them on me. End of story. I know both truths: that he is a hurting person in need of empathy, and that nothing I can do will stop him from blaming me for the negative feelings he is experiencing.
So, back and forth I go in my mind. Should I stay or should I go? Today, I feel like I am a teenager back in my mother's house. The goal of each day was to spend as little time as possible in the same room with my mom. That was the only way to avoid the pain of knowing that while I loved her, she would never love me. That was the only way to guarantee one would not be the object of her always-just-under-the-surface wrath. Well, even then you might be the one getting the blame, but she couldn't hit you or berate you if she couldn't see you.
All of this counseling, all of these marriage seminars, all of my prayers, was intended to keep this day from ever happening. Even my trying to talk to him this morning, was an attempt to draw us closer together and keep the estrangement from becoming a permanent fixture.
Estrangement is setting in anyway. He left still blaming me for his angry feelings, and accusing me of being the one who was angry and unreasonable.
A year ago I would be texting him, or calling him, wanting a reconciliation, trying to get him to follow the DAPP. Today, I just want to avoid him.
He has counseling today. I wonder, will he talk about the letter to his dad, or about his opinion of me? Whether or not he gets well is all up to him. I have no control over his life, only mine.
The choices he made this morning really suck.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Home Schooled Boys
My son comes home from his secular mission trip tomorrow night. I am so proud of him!
His dad and I spent all day cleaning his room, and we'll probably work on it some more in the morning. His dad is going to mow the lawn one more time before he gets here, just to show him that we appreciate all of his hard work in a foreign land. He is such a great kid.
He is a regular teen in many ways. He breaks the rules on occasion. He stays up late and wants to sleep in. He plays bass guitar, listens to music I never heard of before, and seems to always want to go to the next concert. He has to be reminded to do what needs done sometimes. And other times, he surprises me by going beyond what's required just for the sake of making me smile. He's a pretty awesome human being.
He has different opinions than I do on many subjects, and sometimes he has even brought me around to his way of thinking. In everything, he is kind. I can't say gracious, because he does cuss online and in person. But he does not insult people or inflame hatred. He can always be counted on to be a peacemaker, if possible, or to take up for the ones being bullied, when peace is not possible.
He likes junk food, and raunchy comedy, and I know he would love to get his driver's license already. Frankly, if I could afford the extra car insurance, I would let him. If he gets a job when he gets back and can pay his own car insurance, I'll happily drive him to the DMV for his final test.
I am proud of him. I wish I could say all home schooled boys were just as loving, good, responsible and worth knowing. And many of them are: Jared, Aaron, Ethan, and Garrett are a few good people, all home schooled boys, I can think of off the top of my head. They are definitely worth knowing. =)
But that is not the whole of it. Recently, on facebook, I have had the misfortune to dialog with some Christian home schooled boys all grown up. I kept screenshots of both conversations, but they are so troubling I can't bring myself to transcribe them onto this blog. Not yet. It is still just too disturbing to me personally.
I am left shaking my head and wondering,"How did such a beautiful idea- raising children in the love of God and sharing life with them on an educational journey called home schooling- produce such rancor, such hatred,such arrogance in its graduates?"
I wrote a review of Biblical Economics in Comics a while back, exposing it for the vile anti-humanity propoganda that it is. Unfortunately, I have met home schooled boys who have bought into that line.
They truly believe that government taxation is "stealing" from hard-working citizens. They believe that Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare, and WIC are supporting "the scum of the earth" by government thievery, stolen from the rest of us by taxation.
I am still in shock.
On another thread, where I advocated for compassion for women who feel the best and most compassionate decision for their unborn child is to terminate the pregnancy as early as possible- women facing genetic testing that shows unalterably fatal disease that would cause horrific suffering were the child to be born (Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy, Tay-Sach's Disease are two examples)- the rhetoric was even more brutal. I "hated retards" and it was written that I was being "a cunt about it".
I was also called the product of incest, and one writer volunteered that he could put a pillow over my head and smother me, because I wrote that I wasn't against early abortion before the brain is developed enough to allow sentient thought. Apparently his great home school education allowed him to think that an adult sleeping somehow loses brain function? I am not really sure how he got there, but the animosity was clear.
If you are pro-choice, you are less than human and deserve to die.
If you need government assistance, you should suffer and, I guess, also die unless you can get a church to help you (good luck there!) or have family able and willing to help you. That was the home schooled boys pat answer to the poor, weak, sick and needy among us. It's the job of your church and/or family to help you. Atheists and orphans can suck it.
How did this happen? After all, I have heard the same arguments they heard, and I was easily able to discern that it was anti-(against) Christ! Jesus said pay your taxes (Look at your money,whose inscription is on it? The United States of America. Give to the United States of American the things that belong to it, and give to God the things that belong to God.), Paul said government was instituted by God so "obey those that have authority over you,whether kings as supreme or governors sent by the king...". The scriptures don't teach hating the government or resenting paying taxes.
Then Jesus taught the parable of the Good Samaritan, and told the story of the goats and sheep who were judged by how they treated "the least of these". He also told us the story of Lazarus the beggar and the rich man who hardened his heart to the suffering of Lazarus. How can any Christian think capitalism in its purest form reflects the gospel? While I think capitalism is the best economic system because it acknowledges the greed and ambition of humanity and makes it work for society, I darn sure want an EPA, an OSHA, and an EEOC putting protections in place for workers and consumers.
I guess they missed the part about government being of the people, by the people and for the people. There is no mythical evil government; government agencies are staffed by our fellow citizens, real people. They are our neighbors, the neighbors we are supposed to love as we love ourselves. Yes, those neighbors.
Finally, if they consider me (or gay people, feminists, liberals, Democrats, pick your label) their enemies, ENEMIES!- even then they are commanded by Christ to love their enemies, bless their enemies, do them good. Jesus told them to give to them that ask of them, and if we were to take away their goods, they should throw in extra by their own good will.
How did Christian home schooled boys grow up with so much hatred and fear in their hearts?
I am still puzzling over that one.
His dad and I spent all day cleaning his room, and we'll probably work on it some more in the morning. His dad is going to mow the lawn one more time before he gets here, just to show him that we appreciate all of his hard work in a foreign land. He is such a great kid.
He is a regular teen in many ways. He breaks the rules on occasion. He stays up late and wants to sleep in. He plays bass guitar, listens to music I never heard of before, and seems to always want to go to the next concert. He has to be reminded to do what needs done sometimes. And other times, he surprises me by going beyond what's required just for the sake of making me smile. He's a pretty awesome human being.
He has different opinions than I do on many subjects, and sometimes he has even brought me around to his way of thinking. In everything, he is kind. I can't say gracious, because he does cuss online and in person. But he does not insult people or inflame hatred. He can always be counted on to be a peacemaker, if possible, or to take up for the ones being bullied, when peace is not possible.
He likes junk food, and raunchy comedy, and I know he would love to get his driver's license already. Frankly, if I could afford the extra car insurance, I would let him. If he gets a job when he gets back and can pay his own car insurance, I'll happily drive him to the DMV for his final test.
I am proud of him. I wish I could say all home schooled boys were just as loving, good, responsible and worth knowing. And many of them are: Jared, Aaron, Ethan, and Garrett are a few good people, all home schooled boys, I can think of off the top of my head. They are definitely worth knowing. =)
But that is not the whole of it. Recently, on facebook, I have had the misfortune to dialog with some Christian home schooled boys all grown up. I kept screenshots of both conversations, but they are so troubling I can't bring myself to transcribe them onto this blog. Not yet. It is still just too disturbing to me personally.
I am left shaking my head and wondering,"How did such a beautiful idea- raising children in the love of God and sharing life with them on an educational journey called home schooling- produce such rancor, such hatred,such arrogance in its graduates?"
I wrote a review of Biblical Economics in Comics a while back, exposing it for the vile anti-humanity propoganda that it is. Unfortunately, I have met home schooled boys who have bought into that line.
They truly believe that government taxation is "stealing" from hard-working citizens. They believe that Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare, and WIC are supporting "the scum of the earth" by government thievery, stolen from the rest of us by taxation.
I am still in shock.
On another thread, where I advocated for compassion for women who feel the best and most compassionate decision for their unborn child is to terminate the pregnancy as early as possible- women facing genetic testing that shows unalterably fatal disease that would cause horrific suffering were the child to be born (Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy, Tay-Sach's Disease are two examples)- the rhetoric was even more brutal. I "hated retards" and it was written that I was being "a cunt about it".
I was also called the product of incest, and one writer volunteered that he could put a pillow over my head and smother me, because I wrote that I wasn't against early abortion before the brain is developed enough to allow sentient thought. Apparently his great home school education allowed him to think that an adult sleeping somehow loses brain function? I am not really sure how he got there, but the animosity was clear.
If you are pro-choice, you are less than human and deserve to die.
If you need government assistance, you should suffer and, I guess, also die unless you can get a church to help you (good luck there!) or have family able and willing to help you. That was the home schooled boys pat answer to the poor, weak, sick and needy among us. It's the job of your church and/or family to help you. Atheists and orphans can suck it.
How did this happen? After all, I have heard the same arguments they heard, and I was easily able to discern that it was anti-(against) Christ! Jesus said pay your taxes (Look at your money,whose inscription is on it? The United States of America. Give to the United States of American the things that belong to it, and give to God the things that belong to God.), Paul said government was instituted by God so "obey those that have authority over you,whether kings as supreme or governors sent by the king...". The scriptures don't teach hating the government or resenting paying taxes.
Then Jesus taught the parable of the Good Samaritan, and told the story of the goats and sheep who were judged by how they treated "the least of these". He also told us the story of Lazarus the beggar and the rich man who hardened his heart to the suffering of Lazarus. How can any Christian think capitalism in its purest form reflects the gospel? While I think capitalism is the best economic system because it acknowledges the greed and ambition of humanity and makes it work for society, I darn sure want an EPA, an OSHA, and an EEOC putting protections in place for workers and consumers.
I guess they missed the part about government being of the people, by the people and for the people. There is no mythical evil government; government agencies are staffed by our fellow citizens, real people. They are our neighbors, the neighbors we are supposed to love as we love ourselves. Yes, those neighbors.
Finally, if they consider me (or gay people, feminists, liberals, Democrats, pick your label) their enemies, ENEMIES!- even then they are commanded by Christ to love their enemies, bless their enemies, do them good. Jesus told them to give to them that ask of them, and if we were to take away their goods, they should throw in extra by their own good will.
How did Christian home schooled boys grow up with so much hatred and fear in their hearts?
I am still puzzling over that one.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
How is the Bible Divine but not inerrant?
What follows is a comment left on this LINK to online newsletter GOOP. The author is an Episcopal priest. My heart resonates with her writing, and mirrors in some ways something I read by Phillip Yancey years ago, about God revealing Godself to humanity in stages. ps I love the word Godself! I first read it below.
Enjoy. =D
From Cynthia Bourgeault:
"How you answer this question depends hugely on what you take the bible to be. IF you believe that the bible is a single, timeless, internally consistent teaching on matters of human morality dictated by God himself, then yes, the Old Testament book of Leviticus is definitely uncomfortable with homosexuality. But it is also uncomfortable with menstruating women, shellfish and pigskin. (And for the record, it has some very harsh words to say about lending money at interest, a prohibition that even Biblical literalists seem to find it perfectly permissible to disregard!)
Like most other critically thinking Christians, I see the bible as a symphony (sometimes a cacophony!) of divinely inspired human voices bearing witness to an astonishing evolutionary development in our human understanding of God (or God’s self-disclosure as we grow mature enough to begin to comprehend it, another way of saying the same thing.) The Old Testament, whose 46 books span well over a millennium in their dates of composition, also straddles what scholars call 'The first axial period,' when spontaneously, across the entire globe, human spiritual consciousness seemed to take a huge evolutionary leap forward. In the same time frame that the Biblical psalms were being composed, the planet was also being graced with the Buddha, Lao-Tse, Zoaroaster, and Plato: a quantum leap in human understanding and ethical vision. It simply defies credibility—my credibility, anyway!— to believe that the early Old Testament teachings on animal sacrifice and 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth' are at the same level as Ezekiel’s luminous axial prophecy, 'I will take away your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh' or Jesus’ stunning 'Love your enemy; bless those who revile you.'
This is not in any way to demean holiness of the Bible, but only to affirm that God reveals Godself in time, through process and dialogue, not in unchanging monolithic statements. This does not make the bible less sacred; it makes it more sacred, for it grounds God’s divine presence in the lived reality of our human experience.
As a Christian I am bound, when I listen to this diversity of biblical voices, to set my compass by the teachings and the path walked by Jesus himself. Where biblical testimony is internally inconsistent (and even Jesus experienced it this way!), I am bound to honor Jesus as my final court of appeal. And thus, the bottom line must inescapably be that nowhere does Jesus condemn homosexuality, and certainly nowhere does he wish harm upon anyone, even those whom the religious culture is so quick to condemn as sinners. His harsh words are reserved entirely for those whose certainty about their religious rectitude causes them to condemn others, or to block the Spirit’s persistent attempts to open up new channels of forgiveness and hope. Jesus is all about inclusion, forgiveness, and empowerment. In the light of his compassionate presence, people are set free to live their lives in strength and hope, regardless of whether they be considered outcasts by those in the 'religious know.'
Thus, as a Christian, when confronted by a tension between a religious certainty which leads me to violate the law of love and a deep unknowing that still moves in the direction of 'loving my neighbor as myself,' I am bound to choose the latter course. Was it not the Pharisees, those so sure that they had 'the law and Moses on their side,' who were the first to condemn Jesus to the grave? And make no mistake: The word Pharisees does not mean 'the Jews;' that utterly reprehensible piece of scapegoating was a product of the early Christian church. Rather, 'Pharisee' names the spiritual sclerotic in each one of us who would prefer the certainty of an unchanging rulebook to the radical open-endedness of God’s ongoing self-revelation in love.
If I really follow what the bible teaches, it seems to me that I need to be constantly laying my human arrogance (and in Latin, this word comes from 'a-rogo,' or 'I have no questions'), upon the altar of God’s constantly demonstrated delight in new beginnings. 'I will be what I will be,' is the name he asked Moses to know him by in the book of Exodus. With that as one line of bearing on my thinking, and the steadily increasing revelation of God’s mercy and compassion as the other, I am compelled by my Christianity to refrain from any behaviors or judgments which arrogantly demean the dignity of another human being, or cause him or her to lose hope."
Cynthia Bourgeault is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada. Her most recent book,'The Meaning of Mary Magdalene,' is now available.
Enjoy. =D
From Cynthia Bourgeault:
"How you answer this question depends hugely on what you take the bible to be. IF you believe that the bible is a single, timeless, internally consistent teaching on matters of human morality dictated by God himself, then yes, the Old Testament book of Leviticus is definitely uncomfortable with homosexuality. But it is also uncomfortable with menstruating women, shellfish and pigskin. (And for the record, it has some very harsh words to say about lending money at interest, a prohibition that even Biblical literalists seem to find it perfectly permissible to disregard!)
Like most other critically thinking Christians, I see the bible as a symphony (sometimes a cacophony!) of divinely inspired human voices bearing witness to an astonishing evolutionary development in our human understanding of God (or God’s self-disclosure as we grow mature enough to begin to comprehend it, another way of saying the same thing.) The Old Testament, whose 46 books span well over a millennium in their dates of composition, also straddles what scholars call 'The first axial period,' when spontaneously, across the entire globe, human spiritual consciousness seemed to take a huge evolutionary leap forward. In the same time frame that the Biblical psalms were being composed, the planet was also being graced with the Buddha, Lao-Tse, Zoaroaster, and Plato: a quantum leap in human understanding and ethical vision. It simply defies credibility—my credibility, anyway!— to believe that the early Old Testament teachings on animal sacrifice and 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth' are at the same level as Ezekiel’s luminous axial prophecy, 'I will take away your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh' or Jesus’ stunning 'Love your enemy; bless those who revile you.'
This is not in any way to demean holiness of the Bible, but only to affirm that God reveals Godself in time, through process and dialogue, not in unchanging monolithic statements. This does not make the bible less sacred; it makes it more sacred, for it grounds God’s divine presence in the lived reality of our human experience.
As a Christian I am bound, when I listen to this diversity of biblical voices, to set my compass by the teachings and the path walked by Jesus himself. Where biblical testimony is internally inconsistent (and even Jesus experienced it this way!), I am bound to honor Jesus as my final court of appeal. And thus, the bottom line must inescapably be that nowhere does Jesus condemn homosexuality, and certainly nowhere does he wish harm upon anyone, even those whom the religious culture is so quick to condemn as sinners. His harsh words are reserved entirely for those whose certainty about their religious rectitude causes them to condemn others, or to block the Spirit’s persistent attempts to open up new channels of forgiveness and hope. Jesus is all about inclusion, forgiveness, and empowerment. In the light of his compassionate presence, people are set free to live their lives in strength and hope, regardless of whether they be considered outcasts by those in the 'religious know.'
Thus, as a Christian, when confronted by a tension between a religious certainty which leads me to violate the law of love and a deep unknowing that still moves in the direction of 'loving my neighbor as myself,' I am bound to choose the latter course. Was it not the Pharisees, those so sure that they had 'the law and Moses on their side,' who were the first to condemn Jesus to the grave? And make no mistake: The word Pharisees does not mean 'the Jews;' that utterly reprehensible piece of scapegoating was a product of the early Christian church. Rather, 'Pharisee' names the spiritual sclerotic in each one of us who would prefer the certainty of an unchanging rulebook to the radical open-endedness of God’s ongoing self-revelation in love.
If I really follow what the bible teaches, it seems to me that I need to be constantly laying my human arrogance (and in Latin, this word comes from 'a-rogo,' or 'I have no questions'), upon the altar of God’s constantly demonstrated delight in new beginnings. 'I will be what I will be,' is the name he asked Moses to know him by in the book of Exodus. With that as one line of bearing on my thinking, and the steadily increasing revelation of God’s mercy and compassion as the other, I am compelled by my Christianity to refrain from any behaviors or judgments which arrogantly demean the dignity of another human being, or cause him or her to lose hope."
Cynthia Bourgeault is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada. Her most recent book,'The Meaning of Mary Magdalene,' is now available.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Spanking
Disclaimer: this post is not intended as a thorough objective discussion of child discipline. It's the story of my journey, my experiences and my beliefs. n_n
I spanked my children.
I was an insecure mom who wanted to raise my children right. That meant, of course, Biblically, God's way (but not Gary Ezzo's way), the perfect balance of nurture and admonition.
I couldn't rely on experience. My mom's way of "raising" me was to ignore and neglect me, unless she was feeling very angry and/or frustrated and then it was to berate me until she felt better or exhausted herself. If that didn't work, if she needed physical release for her anger, a slap across the face or a whack across the back of the legs with the nearest object would commence. I knew there was no nurture in that, nor anything disciplined about her unpredictable, ever-changing protocols for punishable offenses.
So I bought Dobson's Dare to Discipline and implemented his rules for what he considered good Christian parenting. I spanked. I told myself it was the right thing to do, after all Dobson said so and look how squeaky clean, well-educated and kindly the man seems? Plus he is considered An Expert.
So I got my list of rules out: only spank for defiance, never spank in anger, never use your hand, one lick for each year of age, no spankings after age eight, don't leave marks so use a double-folded belt, explain the reasons for spanking, and afterwards cuddle your child and insist they say they are sorry so you can say you forgive them. Oh and if you threaten to spank you must follow it up, or you will be teaching your children that you're a liar. This was supposed to make them feel secure and loved.
What kind of monster doesn't want their children to feel secure and loved?
I discounted his suggestion of squeezing the trapezius(sp?)muscle because I remembered the pain and humiliation of my mom pinching me in public.
Later, the Pearls came out with their horrible book comparing child raising to mule training. I rejected immediately on the grounds that the Pearls method blatantly defies scripture: 'let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted by God, for God tempts no one with evil...'They advocated actually purposely tempting your children! I dismissed the Pearls out of hand for that reason.
Later came Ezzo, also crazy for different reasons. He actually advocated NOT meeting your children's needs and doing so in the name of godliness, when God has promised to supply ALL of our needs! If I want to be like God, i.e. godly, I MUST respond to my children's cries! If the Lord is near to the broken-hearted, I should be near to my children when they are broken-hearted, that is if I want to be truly godly. When my babies cried, I was there to help them. No Ezzo allowed in my house.
Still, I did spank. I remember one time spanking my daughter, though she tearfully pleaded with me that she was truly sorry and please don't spank her. Through my own tears I spanked her, quoting Dobson that since I had already said I would spank her, then I would be a liar if I didn't. That is so embarrassing to remember. What a fool I was that day. I could've embraced my daughter's repentance the way God embraces mine, and offered mercy to her instead of being concerned with my own self-righteousness and reputation. Yuck.
I spanked rarely, but I can't honestly say I was never angry. My daughter remembers me spanking her in anger over her defiance when she was thirteen (I seriously don't remember this- but neither do I doubt her memory). She says that was the last spanking she ever got. She remembers feeling quite triumphant that she was able to frustrate me to the measure that I would even try spanking to get her to comply.
That was NOT how spanking was supposed to work!
The truth is, I would forego spanking completely if I had to do it all over. It would require more inconvenience on my part (time-outs have to be timed and enforced to be effective while a swat on the behind or hand is over in seconds) and more creativity to teach what needed to be taught (if the consequences are tailored to the offense rather than the same response for every infraction). I would focus even more on building relationships based on respect between parents and children, children and children, our family and neighbors, etc. I remember putting relationship parenting into practice, but having spanking as my fall back.
Spanking is a horrible fall back position. :(
I have apologized to my teens for having spanked them, but they each tell me it was no big deal. I'm glad they feel that way, but it still doesn't make it right. I have told them that I hope they can do a better job of parenting than I did, because each generation should take the good from the previous generation and add to it. I have even said that I hope they don't spank, but that I trust their judgement to do what's best when the time comes.
My daughter recently told me that she won't ever spank, but that it has nothing to do with her experiences or my apologies. (Haha, I'm never as important as I imagine! Lolz.)
She read an animal training book in her teens, called Don't Shoot The Dog. She learned from this book that negative-reinforcement only works because it discourages. It does more than discourage that particular behavior, it discourages the person (animal). Negative-reinforcement discourages initiative, curiosity and the effort to please that animals (and people) naturally possess. Negative-reinforcement can be very confusing to the punished, and results mostly in fear of crossing the punisher, not a positive thing in any relationship.
That book made it plain to her that negative-reinforcement was a lazy way to get quick compliance in an animal (or person) but that was all you would ever get. The desire to please the pack leader, the desire to learn and the desire to accomplish would be discouraged right along with the negative behavior. She decided that negative-reinforcement was foolish. Even people who train animals with negative-reinforcement are taking the lazy, stupid way out, according to my brilliant daughter (take that, Michael Pearl!).
Of course there are plenty of other blogs that do a much better job of pointing out the foolishness of spanking. I recommend looking around with an open heart and mind. Here are just two:
Who Let The Dogs Out?
The Fuit of Spanking: Shame and Rage
I spanked my children.
I was an insecure mom who wanted to raise my children right. That meant, of course, Biblically, God's way (but not Gary Ezzo's way), the perfect balance of nurture and admonition.
I couldn't rely on experience. My mom's way of "raising" me was to ignore and neglect me, unless she was feeling very angry and/or frustrated and then it was to berate me until she felt better or exhausted herself. If that didn't work, if she needed physical release for her anger, a slap across the face or a whack across the back of the legs with the nearest object would commence. I knew there was no nurture in that, nor anything disciplined about her unpredictable, ever-changing protocols for punishable offenses.
So I bought Dobson's Dare to Discipline and implemented his rules for what he considered good Christian parenting. I spanked. I told myself it was the right thing to do, after all Dobson said so and look how squeaky clean, well-educated and kindly the man seems? Plus he is considered An Expert.
So I got my list of rules out: only spank for defiance, never spank in anger, never use your hand, one lick for each year of age, no spankings after age eight, don't leave marks so use a double-folded belt, explain the reasons for spanking, and afterwards cuddle your child and insist they say they are sorry so you can say you forgive them. Oh and if you threaten to spank you must follow it up, or you will be teaching your children that you're a liar. This was supposed to make them feel secure and loved.
What kind of monster doesn't want their children to feel secure and loved?
I discounted his suggestion of squeezing the trapezius(sp?)muscle because I remembered the pain and humiliation of my mom pinching me in public.
Later, the Pearls came out with their horrible book comparing child raising to mule training. I rejected immediately on the grounds that the Pearls method blatantly defies scripture: 'let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted by God, for God tempts no one with evil...'They advocated actually purposely tempting your children! I dismissed the Pearls out of hand for that reason.
Later came Ezzo, also crazy for different reasons. He actually advocated NOT meeting your children's needs and doing so in the name of godliness, when God has promised to supply ALL of our needs! If I want to be like God, i.e. godly, I MUST respond to my children's cries! If the Lord is near to the broken-hearted, I should be near to my children when they are broken-hearted, that is if I want to be truly godly. When my babies cried, I was there to help them. No Ezzo allowed in my house.
Still, I did spank. I remember one time spanking my daughter, though she tearfully pleaded with me that she was truly sorry and please don't spank her. Through my own tears I spanked her, quoting Dobson that since I had already said I would spank her, then I would be a liar if I didn't. That is so embarrassing to remember. What a fool I was that day. I could've embraced my daughter's repentance the way God embraces mine, and offered mercy to her instead of being concerned with my own self-righteousness and reputation. Yuck.
I spanked rarely, but I can't honestly say I was never angry. My daughter remembers me spanking her in anger over her defiance when she was thirteen (I seriously don't remember this- but neither do I doubt her memory). She says that was the last spanking she ever got. She remembers feeling quite triumphant that she was able to frustrate me to the measure that I would even try spanking to get her to comply.
That was NOT how spanking was supposed to work!
The truth is, I would forego spanking completely if I had to do it all over. It would require more inconvenience on my part (time-outs have to be timed and enforced to be effective while a swat on the behind or hand is over in seconds) and more creativity to teach what needed to be taught (if the consequences are tailored to the offense rather than the same response for every infraction). I would focus even more on building relationships based on respect between parents and children, children and children, our family and neighbors, etc. I remember putting relationship parenting into practice, but having spanking as my fall back.
Spanking is a horrible fall back position. :(
I have apologized to my teens for having spanked them, but they each tell me it was no big deal. I'm glad they feel that way, but it still doesn't make it right. I have told them that I hope they can do a better job of parenting than I did, because each generation should take the good from the previous generation and add to it. I have even said that I hope they don't spank, but that I trust their judgement to do what's best when the time comes.
My daughter recently told me that she won't ever spank, but that it has nothing to do with her experiences or my apologies. (Haha, I'm never as important as I imagine! Lolz.)
She read an animal training book in her teens, called Don't Shoot The Dog. She learned from this book that negative-reinforcement only works because it discourages. It does more than discourage that particular behavior, it discourages the person (animal). Negative-reinforcement discourages initiative, curiosity and the effort to please that animals (and people) naturally possess. Negative-reinforcement can be very confusing to the punished, and results mostly in fear of crossing the punisher, not a positive thing in any relationship.
That book made it plain to her that negative-reinforcement was a lazy way to get quick compliance in an animal (or person) but that was all you would ever get. The desire to please the pack leader, the desire to learn and the desire to accomplish would be discouraged right along with the negative behavior. She decided that negative-reinforcement was foolish. Even people who train animals with negative-reinforcement are taking the lazy, stupid way out, according to my brilliant daughter (take that, Michael Pearl!).
Of course there are plenty of other blogs that do a much better job of pointing out the foolishness of spanking. I recommend looking around with an open heart and mind. Here are just two:
Who Let The Dogs Out?
The Fuit of Spanking: Shame and Rage
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Repost: Shhh! It's a Secret
Reposting from January because it bears repeating: http://shadowspring-lovelearningliberty.blogspot.com/2010/01/its-secret-shhhh.html
It's a secret, shhhh!
Well, it has certainly taken some prayer and a lot of thought to decide whether or not to open up this can of worms. I am concerned that there are probably a lot of people out there who would prefer that this secret remain secret. Certainly I don't think every Christian home school family has this secret to keep, but I am also quite sure that there are many out there that do!
In the past, no one has been willing to talk openly about any downside to home school. The fear is that any flaws might be used by our enemies to take away our right to home education. That still might be a valid concern (I don't think so) but the flaws will out themselves anyway. I think it will be best to discuss them ourselves and do a little problem-solving to mitigate the effects of our problems, rather than to deny problems exist.
Problems don't go away simply because one pretends they don't exist. And these problems are real.
I know because I have met families dealing with this secret and befriended them both online and in real life. In thirteen years of experience in the Christian home schooling community, I have met a lot of home schooling families!
Certainly a lot of other families who do not home school also keep the same secret, but it is a particularly damaging secret for Christian home school families for two main reasons.
The first is the home school community's pretension to having the perfect family life set-up. My public-schooling non-Christian neighbor may have the same little secret that I kept for a long time, but then no one is proclaiming that way of life as ideal or idyllic. At every home school convention you will hear someone loudly proclaiming that home schooling is the best option for a happy Christian family, and even claiming that a particular set of family dynamics is essential for a Christian home school.
The dichotomy between the claims of the Christian home school community and the reality of daily life for many of the families trying to live that lifestyle is stark. If for no other reason than to warn new Christian home school families of the dangers they will face, the secret needs to be told.
The second reason that this secret needs to be told is that keeping this secret is damaging to our brothers and sisters in Christ. Fellow disciples of all ages are being blind-sided by this reality, and then are either shamed and ostracized by a Christian home school community that doesn't want to deal with it, or self-condemned into silence because they wrongly think they are the only ones facing it. Our fellow disciples dealing with this awful secret need our help, not our silence.
On then to the big reveal! What is this secret? What is it that Christian home school families are dealing with in large numbers, yet afraid to admit as a community that the problem exists? What is so awful, that even though it pops up in every home school support group, and even community leaders have been taken down by it, no one wants to own?
Crappy marriages.
That's right, crappy marriages. Mine is far from unique in that respect.
Oh, the stories I could tell! I know of unhappy marriages that end in divorce, and many more that just limp along wearing the mask of Christian perfection when one or more of the spouses is (are) depressed, lonely and angry. Problems range from short-term and temporary (because they are quickly recognized and addressed) to chronic and debilitating.
I personally know of marriages afflicted by adultery, sexual perversion and porn addictions. I know of marriages characterized by long-term psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse. I know of some marriages that are in recovery and others that have ended in divorce. I know of more that just ignore the problems they live with everyday. I even know some Christian home school families that have always been happily thriving, but no one is keeping that a secret-LOL!
Christian home school families dealing with crappy marriages do exist. I propose that they exist in every home school community, sometimes in leadership. It is time to expose the secret and find some real solutions to the problem, because what is being done presently is not helping.
Bad marriages happen. It happens in all communities, not only the Christian home school community. But all communities are not claiming to have all the answers like the Christian home school community claims.
Bad marriages happen. It happens in all communities. However in families choosing institutional educational options, the children get escape from the crazy-making secret-keeping for a few hours a day, a couple of days a week.
In the less isolated home school families this is also true, with sports, lessons, co-ops, play dates and taking classes outside the home providing relief from being in the problem all the time. But in the extremely isolated home schools, where no one goes anywhere without the whole family tagging along, there is no relief.
Bad marriages happen in all communities. However in the world outside the Christian home school cloister, there is support for people dealing with problem marriages. In society as a whole there is support for people who are depressed, angry and lonely. In society at large, women are encouraged to get out of abusive situations, and there is help offered to people who want to stop being abusive but don't know how.
In the Christian home school community, crappy marriages are redefined as "biblical" as if that makes it all okay. Unhappy, depressed home school moms are shamed rather than helped. Articles and books are written chastising women who suffer from the lack of being loved, appreciated,and honored as being selfish and sinful. Those burdened by large families, scarce resources and failing health are condemned as lacking in faith, rather than offered real help and given the freedom to take better care of themselves and the children they already have.
Men who fall way short of the loving service to their families Christ commands are not offered help to overcome any abusive tendencies. What abusive tendencies? In some Christian home school circles the idea of even questioning a husband/fathers decisions or actions is strongly condemned. There is no hope of change where no need for change is acknowledged.
So there, I have spilled the secret. There are a lot of crappy marriages out there in home school land.
For those who fear that admitting our flaws will result in losing our home school freedoms, relax. It's no reason to limit the freedom to home school. There are a lot of crappy marriages in the world at large too. We don't need to pretend home schools are little oases of human perfection in order to retain the right to home school.
Home education is one method of educating children, and a darn good one at that! The academic fruit is good.
What we need to do is be open about the crappy marriages, and look for answers other than the ones being repeated over and over right now. Because the marriage fruit is looking rather poor, and is certainly no better than the marriage fruit the rest of society is enjoying.
So the secret is out. Now you know. What will you do? Kill the messenger? I hope not! =)
Reinforce the wall of denial? I hope not.
Feel a sense of relief that we don't have to keep secrets anymore? That is my wish.
And further I hope that crappy Christian home school marriages will overcome their problems and find healing and happiness for all. But the first step in solving any problem is admitting that it exists.
Maybe I should have titled this entry "step one"? =)
It's a secret, shhhh!
Well, it has certainly taken some prayer and a lot of thought to decide whether or not to open up this can of worms. I am concerned that there are probably a lot of people out there who would prefer that this secret remain secret. Certainly I don't think every Christian home school family has this secret to keep, but I am also quite sure that there are many out there that do!
In the past, no one has been willing to talk openly about any downside to home school. The fear is that any flaws might be used by our enemies to take away our right to home education. That still might be a valid concern (I don't think so) but the flaws will out themselves anyway. I think it will be best to discuss them ourselves and do a little problem-solving to mitigate the effects of our problems, rather than to deny problems exist.
Problems don't go away simply because one pretends they don't exist. And these problems are real.
I know because I have met families dealing with this secret and befriended them both online and in real life. In thirteen years of experience in the Christian home schooling community, I have met a lot of home schooling families!
Certainly a lot of other families who do not home school also keep the same secret, but it is a particularly damaging secret for Christian home school families for two main reasons.
The first is the home school community's pretension to having the perfect family life set-up. My public-schooling non-Christian neighbor may have the same little secret that I kept for a long time, but then no one is proclaiming that way of life as ideal or idyllic. At every home school convention you will hear someone loudly proclaiming that home schooling is the best option for a happy Christian family, and even claiming that a particular set of family dynamics is essential for a Christian home school.
The dichotomy between the claims of the Christian home school community and the reality of daily life for many of the families trying to live that lifestyle is stark. If for no other reason than to warn new Christian home school families of the dangers they will face, the secret needs to be told.
The second reason that this secret needs to be told is that keeping this secret is damaging to our brothers and sisters in Christ. Fellow disciples of all ages are being blind-sided by this reality, and then are either shamed and ostracized by a Christian home school community that doesn't want to deal with it, or self-condemned into silence because they wrongly think they are the only ones facing it. Our fellow disciples dealing with this awful secret need our help, not our silence.
On then to the big reveal! What is this secret? What is it that Christian home school families are dealing with in large numbers, yet afraid to admit as a community that the problem exists? What is so awful, that even though it pops up in every home school support group, and even community leaders have been taken down by it, no one wants to own?
Crappy marriages.
That's right, crappy marriages. Mine is far from unique in that respect.
Oh, the stories I could tell! I know of unhappy marriages that end in divorce, and many more that just limp along wearing the mask of Christian perfection when one or more of the spouses is (are) depressed, lonely and angry. Problems range from short-term and temporary (because they are quickly recognized and addressed) to chronic and debilitating.
I personally know of marriages afflicted by adultery, sexual perversion and porn addictions. I know of marriages characterized by long-term psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse. I know of some marriages that are in recovery and others that have ended in divorce. I know of more that just ignore the problems they live with everyday. I even know some Christian home school families that have always been happily thriving, but no one is keeping that a secret-LOL!
Christian home school families dealing with crappy marriages do exist. I propose that they exist in every home school community, sometimes in leadership. It is time to expose the secret and find some real solutions to the problem, because what is being done presently is not helping.
Bad marriages happen. It happens in all communities, not only the Christian home school community. But all communities are not claiming to have all the answers like the Christian home school community claims.
Bad marriages happen. It happens in all communities. However in families choosing institutional educational options, the children get escape from the crazy-making secret-keeping for a few hours a day, a couple of days a week.
In the less isolated home school families this is also true, with sports, lessons, co-ops, play dates and taking classes outside the home providing relief from being in the problem all the time. But in the extremely isolated home schools, where no one goes anywhere without the whole family tagging along, there is no relief.
Bad marriages happen in all communities. However in the world outside the Christian home school cloister, there is support for people dealing with problem marriages. In society as a whole there is support for people who are depressed, angry and lonely. In society at large, women are encouraged to get out of abusive situations, and there is help offered to people who want to stop being abusive but don't know how.
In the Christian home school community, crappy marriages are redefined as "biblical" as if that makes it all okay. Unhappy, depressed home school moms are shamed rather than helped. Articles and books are written chastising women who suffer from the lack of being loved, appreciated,and honored as being selfish and sinful. Those burdened by large families, scarce resources and failing health are condemned as lacking in faith, rather than offered real help and given the freedom to take better care of themselves and the children they already have.
Men who fall way short of the loving service to their families Christ commands are not offered help to overcome any abusive tendencies. What abusive tendencies? In some Christian home school circles the idea of even questioning a husband/fathers decisions or actions is strongly condemned. There is no hope of change where no need for change is acknowledged.
So there, I have spilled the secret. There are a lot of crappy marriages out there in home school land.
For those who fear that admitting our flaws will result in losing our home school freedoms, relax. It's no reason to limit the freedom to home school. There are a lot of crappy marriages in the world at large too. We don't need to pretend home schools are little oases of human perfection in order to retain the right to home school.
Home education is one method of educating children, and a darn good one at that! The academic fruit is good.
What we need to do is be open about the crappy marriages, and look for answers other than the ones being repeated over and over right now. Because the marriage fruit is looking rather poor, and is certainly no better than the marriage fruit the rest of society is enjoying.
So the secret is out. Now you know. What will you do? Kill the messenger? I hope not! =)
Reinforce the wall of denial? I hope not.
Feel a sense of relief that we don't have to keep secrets anymore? That is my wish.
And further I hope that crappy Christian home school marriages will overcome their problems and find healing and happiness for all. But the first step in solving any problem is admitting that it exists.
Maybe I should have titled this entry "step one"? =)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
How Things Are Going These Days...
Things are gong pretty well these days. Big thanks to Sandra for sharing with me a link to a book awhile back about doing EMDR at home. That has been really helpful.
So, my husband and I went to see his parents the weekend before last. I was expecting trouble afterwards, because clearly his parents are the source of much of his childhood trauma and seeing them is a huge trigger. The last time we had trouble serious enough to ask him to leave the house for awhile, we had been to see his folks three weeks earlier. The tension had been building over those three weeks, and when everything came to a head I was not surprised.
This time, things are slightly different. We are both in EMDR counseling, but now we are seeing different counselors. Also I am much farther down the road to full financial self-sufficiency. Finally, we have this sweet book that Sandra recommended.
The visit was much better than any previous visit, as my husband was able to talk freely with me about his feelings. This is a huge improvement. In the past, denial and a desire to defend his parents (imho indefensible) actions would pop out of nowhere on these trips. The day before, he would express his own disillusionment with his folks, but once he laid eyes on them, he would make excuses for them and get rather irritated at me for expressing any disapproval of them in any way.
My therapist talked to me about how children feel this responsibility to protect their parents, and this then became a topic of conversation between us before we left on the trip. In this case, forewarned was indeed forearmed. He did not revert to protecting his parents from criticism.
My carpal is acting up or this would be a long post about the actual visit. That will have to wait. Not only does typing hurt my hand, but I have to go back to school in a few minutes. This post will be limited to the after-effects of the visit.
The night after we left, things were going very well when out of nowhere, my husband's attitude toward me changed. This led to me confronting the change, and quickly discovering he was "in his reptile brain". Not good. I offered to do some home EMDR with him and he agreed. Five minutes later he was again his normal self, and very appreciative for the help.
I think it was three or four days later, he got ugly again. I decided to just leave the house and go study at Starbucks. When I got home, he was admitting he was very sad and depressed. We again did some home EMDR. Sunday it happened again, and again a short session of EMDR returned him to a normal mental state.
I don't do childhood issues with him when I do EMDR. He visualizes gathering up all the yuck and locking it away in a vault labelled "nothing comes out except for my healing" and then visualizes a relaxing, happy place. His regular therapist can actually deal with the ycuk itself.
So, things are working out for me pretty well. Except that I just now wondered if I missed my own appointment today? Hmmmm. I'm sure someone will let me know. That would be an expensive brain glitch so I hope I didn't.
Anyway, gots to go. Peace and good will to all who read here, SS
So, my husband and I went to see his parents the weekend before last. I was expecting trouble afterwards, because clearly his parents are the source of much of his childhood trauma and seeing them is a huge trigger. The last time we had trouble serious enough to ask him to leave the house for awhile, we had been to see his folks three weeks earlier. The tension had been building over those three weeks, and when everything came to a head I was not surprised.
This time, things are slightly different. We are both in EMDR counseling, but now we are seeing different counselors. Also I am much farther down the road to full financial self-sufficiency. Finally, we have this sweet book that Sandra recommended.
The visit was much better than any previous visit, as my husband was able to talk freely with me about his feelings. This is a huge improvement. In the past, denial and a desire to defend his parents (imho indefensible) actions would pop out of nowhere on these trips. The day before, he would express his own disillusionment with his folks, but once he laid eyes on them, he would make excuses for them and get rather irritated at me for expressing any disapproval of them in any way.
My therapist talked to me about how children feel this responsibility to protect their parents, and this then became a topic of conversation between us before we left on the trip. In this case, forewarned was indeed forearmed. He did not revert to protecting his parents from criticism.
My carpal is acting up or this would be a long post about the actual visit. That will have to wait. Not only does typing hurt my hand, but I have to go back to school in a few minutes. This post will be limited to the after-effects of the visit.
The night after we left, things were going very well when out of nowhere, my husband's attitude toward me changed. This led to me confronting the change, and quickly discovering he was "in his reptile brain". Not good. I offered to do some home EMDR with him and he agreed. Five minutes later he was again his normal self, and very appreciative for the help.
I think it was three or four days later, he got ugly again. I decided to just leave the house and go study at Starbucks. When I got home, he was admitting he was very sad and depressed. We again did some home EMDR. Sunday it happened again, and again a short session of EMDR returned him to a normal mental state.
I don't do childhood issues with him when I do EMDR. He visualizes gathering up all the yuck and locking it away in a vault labelled "nothing comes out except for my healing" and then visualizes a relaxing, happy place. His regular therapist can actually deal with the ycuk itself.
So, things are working out for me pretty well. Except that I just now wondered if I missed my own appointment today? Hmmmm. I'm sure someone will let me know. That would be an expensive brain glitch so I hope I didn't.
Anyway, gots to go. Peace and good will to all who read here, SS
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Fundamentalists Dysfunction
This is a short post, and rushed, with no time to edit, like yesterdays post. Muddle through as best you can, online friends. :)
I start clinicals next week for the CNA class I am currently taking, AND two eight hour shifts shadowing a medical sonography technician. Wish me well.
I am of two minds concerning "the cycle of abuse" referenced in discussions about domestic violence/abuse. Yes, it's real, on that I agree. What exactly is happening is a matter of debate.
My opinion based on my experience, is that post-traumatic stress disorder is the true cause, and unresolved traumas are not going away on their own. There is no way someone can determine to not react to a stressor when they have unresolved traumas in their psyche that are affecting their thinking and therefore their behavior.
So, when there are no stressors, the (for lack of a better term) abusive partner is happy, loving, supportive, all in all a regular person with a regular capacity for gratitude, joy, affection, etc. But let a stressor occur, and that person is triggered back into the age/thought life he was at the time of the initial trauma. Some people live in this state almost all the time. Very sad.
Others muddle through as best they can, avoiding traumas when they can. Once these wounded people start therapy, there is at first resistance and denial. It's hard to accept that one's thinking is disordered, especially when shame is part of the traumas one has suffered. It is survival instinct to blame others and project negative emotions you don't think good people should feel onto others.
So, I was counting down the days and weeks from the last abusive incident at our house, hoping for a new record. I think we are going to make it, though things are hinky right now as my husband's fundamentalist family just dropped by yesterday for a visit.
Still, even though my husband slipped back into PAPD patterns and projected both his families dysfunction and his anger about it on to me twice in the past 24 hrs, each time he acted on his DAPP on his own, and came out acknowledging that HE was not in a good place mentally. No groveling apologies (which may or not be sincere)-yay! No denial- yay! But an honest apprisal of the situation, and appropriate apologies offered realistically where needed.
This is awesome! I am pleased.
Now for the rant about his fundamentalist dysfunctional family system: OMG!
One of the accusations he makes when he is "in a bad place" is that I don't care what he thinks or how he feels. While this is not true of me, it is SPOT ON about his family of origin. Yesterday it was on full display, when my husband questioned the doctrine of eternal damnation.
(For the few who know me IRL, check out his facebook discussion about Osama bin Laden for a sample! Feel free to show him some support. =)
Immediately he was shut down and shut out. Without giving any consideration to my husband's actual words, my former missionary brother-in-law went into full fundamentalist apologetic shutdown mode. He argued against whatever meaning he wanted to ascribe to the words my husband used. He called him irresponsible and dangerous, comparing my husband's question to encouraging children to run with scissors. And though my husband started out asking questions, not one question was directed to him.
He is right. No one care what he thinks. No one cares how he feels. Fundamentalism will tell you what to think and what you're allowed to feel. Any hint that you might be considering life outside those lines is immediately shamed. You are not a friend asking questions; by asking questions you have become DANGEROUS and you must be SHUT DOWN!
I had to leave the house it pissed me off so much. I walked across the street to my neighbors and she asked, "what are you up to?" to which I replied, "Avoiding WW III, doing my part for world peace."
I watched my husband's family drive away without saying goodbye.
I am so angry. They don't love my husband. They don't know my husband and they aren't interested in knowing my husband. They do not care for his heart. They only care that he assent to their beliefs and that's ALL.
Of course he's "not in a good place". He is coming out of denial and facing really ugly hard truths about who cares for him and who doesn't. He is facing head on the reality that his family has never had unconditional love for anyone. No wonder they get so angry at the notion that God is not hatefully ostracizing and torturing their enemies for all eternity. That really is the core of their beliefs.
Wow. I thought they knew Jesus, who says "him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out" and the One who will reconcile "ALL THINGS to himself". They are the big brother in the parable of the Prodigal, and boy will they be pissed if it turns out God really is going to reconcile all people to Himself.
They WANT people to burn in hell for all eternity, and for nothing more than being born in the wrong place at the wrong time. They WANT a god who is weak, who fails at redemption, only able to save a few, as long as they are in that elite. They WANT a god that is two-faced; they don't want Jesus. They want fundamentalism.
Big. Difference.
I start clinicals next week for the CNA class I am currently taking, AND two eight hour shifts shadowing a medical sonography technician. Wish me well.
I am of two minds concerning "the cycle of abuse" referenced in discussions about domestic violence/abuse. Yes, it's real, on that I agree. What exactly is happening is a matter of debate.
My opinion based on my experience, is that post-traumatic stress disorder is the true cause, and unresolved traumas are not going away on their own. There is no way someone can determine to not react to a stressor when they have unresolved traumas in their psyche that are affecting their thinking and therefore their behavior.
So, when there are no stressors, the (for lack of a better term) abusive partner is happy, loving, supportive, all in all a regular person with a regular capacity for gratitude, joy, affection, etc. But let a stressor occur, and that person is triggered back into the age/thought life he was at the time of the initial trauma. Some people live in this state almost all the time. Very sad.
Others muddle through as best they can, avoiding traumas when they can. Once these wounded people start therapy, there is at first resistance and denial. It's hard to accept that one's thinking is disordered, especially when shame is part of the traumas one has suffered. It is survival instinct to blame others and project negative emotions you don't think good people should feel onto others.
So, I was counting down the days and weeks from the last abusive incident at our house, hoping for a new record. I think we are going to make it, though things are hinky right now as my husband's fundamentalist family just dropped by yesterday for a visit.
Still, even though my husband slipped back into PAPD patterns and projected both his families dysfunction and his anger about it on to me twice in the past 24 hrs, each time he acted on his DAPP on his own, and came out acknowledging that HE was not in a good place mentally. No groveling apologies (which may or not be sincere)-yay! No denial- yay! But an honest apprisal of the situation, and appropriate apologies offered realistically where needed.
This is awesome! I am pleased.
Now for the rant about his fundamentalist dysfunctional family system: OMG!
One of the accusations he makes when he is "in a bad place" is that I don't care what he thinks or how he feels. While this is not true of me, it is SPOT ON about his family of origin. Yesterday it was on full display, when my husband questioned the doctrine of eternal damnation.
(For the few who know me IRL, check out his facebook discussion about Osama bin Laden for a sample! Feel free to show him some support. =)
Immediately he was shut down and shut out. Without giving any consideration to my husband's actual words, my former missionary brother-in-law went into full fundamentalist apologetic shutdown mode. He argued against whatever meaning he wanted to ascribe to the words my husband used. He called him irresponsible and dangerous, comparing my husband's question to encouraging children to run with scissors. And though my husband started out asking questions, not one question was directed to him.
He is right. No one care what he thinks. No one cares how he feels. Fundamentalism will tell you what to think and what you're allowed to feel. Any hint that you might be considering life outside those lines is immediately shamed. You are not a friend asking questions; by asking questions you have become DANGEROUS and you must be SHUT DOWN!
I had to leave the house it pissed me off so much. I walked across the street to my neighbors and she asked, "what are you up to?" to which I replied, "Avoiding WW III, doing my part for world peace."
I watched my husband's family drive away without saying goodbye.
I am so angry. They don't love my husband. They don't know my husband and they aren't interested in knowing my husband. They do not care for his heart. They only care that he assent to their beliefs and that's ALL.
Of course he's "not in a good place". He is coming out of denial and facing really ugly hard truths about who cares for him and who doesn't. He is facing head on the reality that his family has never had unconditional love for anyone. No wonder they get so angry at the notion that God is not hatefully ostracizing and torturing their enemies for all eternity. That really is the core of their beliefs.
Wow. I thought they knew Jesus, who says "him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out" and the One who will reconcile "ALL THINGS to himself". They are the big brother in the parable of the Prodigal, and boy will they be pissed if it turns out God really is going to reconcile all people to Himself.
They WANT people to burn in hell for all eternity, and for nothing more than being born in the wrong place at the wrong time. They WANT a god who is weak, who fails at redemption, only able to save a few, as long as they are in that elite. They WANT a god that is two-faced; they don't want Jesus. They want fundamentalism.
Big. Difference.
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