I need to share with all of those who have been praying for me and my family. I hesitate to share, because I don't want to jinx the good thing going on. But since I'm not superstitious, I'm going for it anyway. n_n
It's been over two weeks since my husband has acted implacably unhappy with me or anyone/anything else. It was two weeks this past Sunday since a PTSD episode, as I am learning to understand this craziness.
The precious man I married in the first place is making his way back to the present. He is thoughtful, kind, and genuinely concerned for my heart. He is talking, not about anything deep, but talking.
We are doing things we enjoy together. It may help that the World Cup is going on right now. All you TCKs know the importance of the World Cup! ;-) One of those things we enjoy doing together is watching exciting soccer. We are also taking walks, more frequently and longer. We are trying new restaurants and doing things like going to Shakespeare in the Park together.
I am going more places and making more social events happen for myself personally and for both of us, and he seems happy with both experiences. I am also reading (online and from books) more and more about the missionary kids real experience. I am praying for him with more understanding now, and also reevaluating my beliefs and expectations about who he really is and what the true motivations are behind his actions. So maybe it is partially due to my efforts.
But I asked him last night what he thought was making the difference. He believes that all he has been learning for the past year and a half is starting to gel in him and it's getting easier to put into practice. That is probably a huge factor in the improvement no doubt. Information is power: one of my life's mottos. :)
Based on my own experience, I think coming out of denial about his family is probably the single biggest factor in his new happier self. He no longer has to bear this burden of shame that somehow he has failed a Christian man. He is beginning to believe that the things required of him were not God's requirements at all. He is beginning to believe that he responded to the damage being done to his heart with the only tools available to little children who are demanded to comply with outrageous circumstances and crazy-making religion.
I am so happy he agreed to trauma therapy. Though he does not share with me what goes on in his weekly sessions, I am very encouraged by the more relaxed, loving human who is sharing life with me because of them. It is looking as if my hopes will all be fulfilled in time.
I hesitate to write this because my time with the therapist doesn't really support such hope. She is telling me that things will get worse before they get better. My husband really hasn't started remembering traumatic events yet, and much of his past remains hidden in forgetfulness. She keeps hinting at separation as an option, once talking about permanent separation. That's not what I want! I want us to be healed and live happily together in mutual love, respect and understanding.
She thinks that the traumas he doesn't remember will trigger huge rage, but I am not necessarily in agreement. After reading up on the missionary kid experience, it is possible that my husband was bullied, humiliated, violently assaulted, sexually molested and/or even raped. These things have happened at missionary boarding schools all over the world.
The bullying and humiliation happen at every single missionary boarding school in the world. Emotional/spiritual abuse in the form of making kids keep quiet about their unhappiness, stuff their rage, and be grateful for their parents who abandoned them; loading them down with false guilt for the eternal damnation of the natives, having "wrong" feelings and fears, as well as punishing them for a myriad of other "crimes" like speaking with a lisp or being sick or not liking oatmeal- this abuse happened in each and every missionary boarding school. That the violence and sexual molestations/rape happen at all is horrifying, but more and more MKs are coming forward about having suffered in this way too.
Our therapist thinks that I should be prepared to discover that my husband has suffered the worst abuse possible, but based on what I know about being victimized I don't think he has suffered as violently as she does. I think the abandonment, emotional and spiritual abuse are more than enough to account for his depression! 0.0
I am also sure that bullying, confusion, and ridicule by the other missionary kids was a part of his experience. Compound that with the reality that unlike public school bullying, there is no home to retreat to at the end of the school day. Your bullies have access to you 24/7. He also probably has guilt at remembering that he likewise bullied others. He tortured animals as part of the pack of angry boys aat boarding school. It is not unthinkable that he tormented other children emotionally as part of the pack too.
All that is horrifying enough! There is no need to mentally jump to to a worst-case scenario to account for his PTSD.
Anyway, the hesitancy to publish this good news is mostly based on the therapists cautions and counsels. It is also based on my own hard experiences of being married to what seems like two separate: good husband/bad husband. But is is still good news, and I wanted to share it.