I tried to leave this as a response to (blog removed by author) but google kept saying it was too large. (Great place for a "that's what she said" joke, no? ;-) So I am posting it here and I will try to post a link on C.'s blog, to this one.
I want to make it plain that while I disagree with C.'s desire to outlaw home schooling, I am glad she is out there telling her story. It is an important story and needs to be told. As a daughter of home schooling, I believe all of us who have promoted home schooling should embrace her and learn from her life.
I hope every home school parent who reads here will become a regular reader on C.s blog. Her story is important, and I know she would love to know she is having a positive impact on the lives of home school families.
I want to make it plain that while I disagree with C.'s desire to outlaw home schooling, I am glad she is out there telling her story. It is an important story and needs to be told. As a daughter of home schooling, I believe all of us who have promoted home schooling should embrace her and learn from her life.
Hi Crystal! Nice to know you are out there. Enjoy your daughter and make the years together happy ones. My daughter has many good memories of our home schooling years.
I strongly disagree that home schooling is never a good scenario! But C. already knows that.
My daughter also learned to read at 3 or 4, and according to her home schooling is the best part of her growing up. The fundamentalist parenting is the part that sucked! Being able to learn at her own pace, and having so much freedom (something movement home schoolers deny their kids, I must add)to read, create, and daydream is something she treasures. If she wasn't home schooled, she wouldn't be the thriving university student she is today.
Those four years of private Japanese lessons gave her the foundation that she is using to build a career as an Air Force officer. She is also a prolific artist, which she does for joy and no other reason. Home schooling gave her that.
The problems in her life were a result of our fundamentalist religion and personal dysfunction, problems that would have existed apart from home schooling. Bad parenting is not exclusively a home school issue, but it is far more oppressive in a home school setting! It is devastating in an movement home school family like C. experienced. (((hugs to C.)))
Home school parents have a greater responsibility to get it right, and the lies being promoted in home school communities about how golly gee swell it is to be a fundamentalist need to be challenged, and challenged loudly and persistently!
On the other side of things though, just as C. was suicidal and depressed because of her family's home schooling, there are teens whose public school experiences are horrendous. These students deserve the freedom to leave that bad situation. I know several teens who are much, much happier home schooling, a few of whom might possible have succeeded at suicide if they had not been allowed the freedom to leave public school.
There needs to be freedom with accountability for all (public, private and home schools) in order for all to thrive.
I do think stories like C.'s should be loudly proclaimed in our society, and I would love to see the result more cooperation between local public schools and home schools, including more oversight of home schools.
Home school conventions are full of snake oil salesman promising perfect families to those who drink the Kool-Aid, and children are hurting because of it. Someone (many someones) need to stand up and loudly point out that they are lying, and tell the truth- children are crushed by the perfectionist demands, ending up suicidal, hating themselves, socially inept, and sometimes poorly educated in addition. Truth needs to be told!
I hope every home school parent who reads here will become a regular reader on C.s blog. Her story is important, and I know she would love to know she is having a positive impact on the lives of home school families.
"and I know she would love to know she is having a positive impact on the lives of home school families." How can someone who wants to outlaw homeschooling and who believes that there is NEVER a good homeschooling scenario have a positive impact on the lives of home school families?
ReplyDeleteperhaps you should dialogue with me, instead of sitting in judgement on me. Your viewpoint does not threaten me, nor should mine make you feel threatened either.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading a couple of pages of that blog, I had to quit. Too reactionary: "I was homeschooled, and my life was bad, so all homeschooling is bad" instead of the "I was public schooled, and my life was bad, so all public schooling is bad" that she grew up with. Right back to the black and white of legalistic religious thinking. Fortunately, life is not the "all" "every" "none" "my way or the highway" that she thinks it is at this point. Maybe you can take the girl out of fundamentalism, but not the fundamentalism out of the girl?
ReplyDeleteAnway, she's got a lot on her plate, and her children are young, so my prayers are with her. And it does sound like she had a sucky life and d**chebag parents. She'll probably mellow as she gets older, start seeing that life is shades of gray; most of us do. Kudos, Shadowspring, for your patience.
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteShe could have a positive impact on the lives of home schooling families by pointing out that the fundamentalist Christian vision is a LIE.
Most of the other speakers at the convention are pushing religious curriculum and painting rosy scenarios of religious home school bliss- they ignore and even purposely hide the unhappy results- anorexia, cutting, bulemia, anxirty attacks, compulsive overeating, compulsive video gaming, abusive relationships are all happening yet no one is admitting it!
These "problem children" are seen as aberrant, one-offs, exemptions. Yet they are the product of this fundamentalist home schooling paradigm! The proof of the pudding is in the eating, and Chandra is pointing out that this pudding stinks! Go Chandra.
And you know what, there ARE home school graduates who are socially inept, woefully under-educated, alienated from society and unprepared to live happy, successful lives. If the truth were told about how this happened to them, new home school families could avoid the trap of being religious zealots who are always making excuses for their home school program weaknesses.
Wouldn't it be great if people got real and got honest at these conventions? I think it would. People who refuse to admit their weaknesses/problems will be destroyed by them. Or as the Bible puts it, Pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.
Instead of marketing yet another program for memorizing that verse, home school vendors could take warning from it. And that would be very beneficial!!
Chandra,
ReplyDeleteI did not mean to be at all critical of you and I very much regret that I somehow communicated a critical tone. It was not my intent AT ALL!
I have been communicating with you back and forth for months, and would very much like to continue our cyber friendship.
I did try to post this on your own blog, but mean old Google wouldn't let me! Please give it another read with the understanding that I do respect you and wish you only good.
@Anonymous 10:12
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to read that something you treasure as a great good (home schooling) is loathed by someone else, but she is a home schooled student and her opinion matters.
Home school moms are always making excuses for each other, dismissing their valid concerns that something might be amiss in their home schools, with platitudes. When was the last time you heard a home school mom say she felt like they weren't getting any/sufficient school work done and a friend said, "well, you could always put them in public school" or "have you consulted a school psychologist?"
No, instead you will hear moms chiming in not to worry, children learn at their own pace, children are learning life as they play, and college isn't that important anyway. I know I have heard moms say that their boys could join the military yet they did not educating them towards that goal, or even prepare them in physical fitness.
There's always a story about some kid somewhere who started his own business or won a scholarship, but it's never anyone near. (That's because that home schooled kid's parents worked hard to educate their children about the real world, not creation science and courtship, so they don't belong to the same support groups that prop up failing home schools with platitudes.)
No one talks about Couty Alexander (google it) or the kid lucky to work at McDonald's after being medically discharged from the military or the kid with a degree in rocket science who lives in his parent's basement playing WofW.
We need to talk about it. Home schooling can be a huge blessing, a mix of freedom, resourcefulness and hard work.
But too many of them (because even one is too many!) are instead a toxic mix of religion, perfectionism, isolation and educational mediocrity. It's time home schoolers had some useful standards, and kissed courtship and modesty and willful ignorance behind!
"...When was the last time you heard a home school mom say she felt like they weren't getting any/sufficient school work done and a friend said, "well, you could always put them in public school" or "have you consulted a school psychologist?"
ReplyDeleteNo, instead you will hear moms chiming in not to worry, children learn at their own pace, children are learning life as they play,..."
Since you asked, I've actually said suggested a homeschool mom put her daughter in public school just last week and I've said even today in an email that my daughter learns at her own pace that wouldn't be allowed in public school without shaming, labeling, and a probable pull-out to the SpEd room.
I agree that everyone's story is important--the successes and the failures, and even the middle of the road stories--of all kinds of educational venues. And I am glad that Chandra is telling her story: that homeschooling was a means of abuse in her family.
But I have just as big a problem with her conclusion that homeschooling should be criminalized as I do with those other fundies (of various, sometimes non-religious, stripes) who conclude from the by-no-means-rare horrors of institutionalized schooling that everyone should pull their kids out and home-educate.
If her message was "love your kids, get to know them each as real people, work with each one with the educational resources that best match their needs and interests", or even, "poor parenting sucks, abusive people suck worse, let's as a society protect our children by educating parents to be better parents," I could wholeheartedly support her work.
As it is, her efforts directly threaten something I've worked hard to do well as have have most of the homeschooling families I know. To see our most meaningful life work denigrated and criminalized because evil people used the venue as a means of control and abuse--well, that makes as little sense to me as saying that because some parents use 1/4" plumbing line to kill their children, no one should be able to buy plumbing line.
Neither homeschooling nor out-of-home schooling should be forced on any child through either legislative or religious leaders. I'm not trying to protect my own rights as a parent here but rather the overriding principle that every child has a right to a safe and healthy childhood and that should include an education that makes the most of each family's strengths and mediates its weaknesses.
Sandra,
ReplyDeleteOf course YOU would give sound advice to a parent, like "have you tried public school?" You have a good head on your shoulders, and my rant is not directed at any honest person like yourself. I did not at all mean to imply that ALL home schoolers want to sweep the problems under the rug and pretend they don't exist.
But there is a large segment of the home schooling world living on platitudes and false assurances that everything is okay when it's not okay. Smart women, who are trying out the fundamentalist Christian home school paradigm, are being deceived into believing that it's working for families all around them, because those families don't mention their unhappy graduates, the problem children.
I think the home school community needs to acknowledge these graduates, listen to them, learn from them and make the home school world a better place.
I obviously don't agree with Chandra that all home schooling is bad or should be outlawed, but her parent's Fundamentalist home school has provoked some really strong feelings in her. Can anyone say "red flag"? That's why it's important that she be heard.
That's why people I encourage people to listen to her, to learn what NOT to do to their own students. The last thing any of us want is to alienate our children, and yet that is exactly what Chandra's parents have actually accomplished in their family.
And of course it's true that people learn best following their own interests at their own pace. But if a ten year old can't read the video game screen to choose a one player or two player mode, and that's your answer, then that truth is being misapplied. Yup, I've seen it IRL.
"Neither homeschooling nor out-of-home schooling should be forced on any child through either legislative or religious leaders. I'm not trying to protect my own rights as a parent here but rather the overriding principle that every child has a right to a safe and healthy childhood and that should include an education that makes the most of each family's strengths and mediates its weaknesses."
Totally agree. =D
Oh the horrors of cyberspace!
ReplyDeleteI confess there are days when I just want to throw in the towel and QUIT. Maybe I should take down my blog...seems like it offends more than it helps. And what the biggest irony is...I abhor conflict.
Shadowspring I wasn't referring to you!!!! I could never have referred to you~ you have never been anything BUT super sweet and suportive and intelligent. I was referring to Jennifer's comment.
Sigh. I throw in the towel! Give up! I should have specified whom my comment was directed at. I just assumed this was a discussionary blog and just assumed that that would be taken as such.
@ Anonymous. Sorry my blog site offends. Its not intended to, but simply to make people THINK about the choices they are making. And I think that if you could get past your right-wing agenda and judgementalism and intolerance you might perhaps find me a very intelligent caring person who is extremely happy and fulfilled in her personal life.
Don't you dare give up! My bad. Ooops. Let's just all move on, okay?
ReplyDelete@Mom. It may be your intent to just present your story to make people think about their choices, but you haven't stopped there; you've taken your admittedly horrid homeschooling experiences, generalized that everyone else's must also be bad or at least inferior to all other options, and decided that the choice to homeschool should not be allowed for anyone.
ReplyDeleteYep, that's gonna stir up some conflict. I realize there are some out there that look only to their husband and pastor for answers, but give the rest of us some credit. We've done the research. We've tested the possibilities. We've probably had our kids IN various schools, and we've made our choice. The one that is RIGHT for OUR families. It may be different from yours. So yeah, it rankles people a bit when you claim to know what is best for everyone, and we're going to call you on it.
And me? Left-wing liberal. Barely considered Christian by most definitions. Live and let live philosophy. Not homeschooling any children at the moment, all are in various schools, including public. Not much for agendas, they're all attached to politicians at some point, and I don't care for politicians. And I wasn't offended by your blog, but I wasn't interested in reading past the part where I, as a homeschool supporter, ought to visit a public school some time, either.
Now. I hope you're still reading. Because that being said, Shadowspring is right, you bring an excellent perspective to FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN parenting and homeschooling, the pitfalls, the opportunities for abuse, the things they don't tell you in the newsletter. And it is a perspective that needs to be heard, since the information is highly censored, and considering how many who are suffering the same things don't have a voice. You are a very talented writer and you are doing a bang-up job with that part of your mission.
Yeah, even that is going to generate disagreement and conflict. But so what? Let it roll off your back. You're a grown-up now, you've got no one to answer to but yourself. And, you're a mom, so you're tough. You can handle it.
SS--I knew you didn't mean ME, of course. Who would ever think *I* wasn't a clear-eyed realist? [insert self-deprecating smirk here]
ReplyDelete"... a large segment of the home schooling world living on platitudes and false assurances that everything is okay when it's not okay. Smart women, who are trying out the fundamentalist Christian home school paradigm, are being deceived into believing that it's working for families all around them,..."
And, sadly, I have found this magical thinking just as prevalent in non-religious homeschool circles as well. Everyone trots out their particular paradigm--unschooling, waldorf-at-home, Classical, or Charlotte Mason, or whatever--as if it had all the guarantees of healthy, well-balanced, creative, and generous children.
Then they proceed to apply their version of The Rules of whatever paradigm in a more-or-less One Size for All manner. And their kids run amok in some part of way, either academically, socially, lacking in self-discipline, selfish, whatever. The more rigidly the parents have Followed The Rules, the less able they are to see how unbalanced their kids are.
The best guarantee in education--and it is hardly a guarantee, more like a Best Practice--is to actually BE healthy, well-balanced, creative, and generous and live that for your children. Then it hardly matters what method of education you use. As Chandra said, either here or on her own comments, the kind of parents who homeschool well are also the kind who public school well (wow, I made a verb!) and she's absolutely right. It's not the method; it's the clarity with which a parent can see herself and her children--and the marketing ploys!
I just wanted to point you all to my blogsite...I think you all may be pleasantly surprised at my recent conclusion. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.chandra-bernat.blogspot.com
@ Sandra- oops, forgot there were other kinds of fundamentalists other than the religious sort. :p Thanks for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteTo all: great discussion and wonderfully civil communication! The marketplace of ideas can be a bit rough sometimes, but all of the commenters on this post are handling it with aplomb.
There is hope for mankind yet....(lolz)