Thursday, May 27, 2010

A plan in hand

Time for another disappearing post. I look forward to the day when they can all boldly go up and stay up! I know that day will come, and then people will have an accurate and honest portrayal of my journey away from yet another crappy home school marriage.

Our problems are unique to us and yet many people can probably relate. We are two wounded souls (flashback lyric: we're just two lost souls living in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground, what have we found?...=)trying to make it in a love relationship together, but the wounds keep getting in the way.

For my part, I have known I have PTSD and childhood traumas for all of my adult life. I have been through a season of twelve step meetings with Adult Children of Alchoholics, and been in short-term counseling three different times. This is not proof I am messed up, it's proof I am a clear minded realist who takes responsibility for her emotional health. And it was all very helpful to me, along with the many books I have read about recovering from child abuse and specifically being raised by an NPD mother.

Not only do I have my family of origin traumas, but then are all the extra traumas that come to wounded, unloved children who start partying at a young age in an effort to kill the pain and find some acceptance. There are a lot of not so nice people in the world who feel no guilt taking advantage of an unprotected wild child. In fact, the counseling times were to deal more with the traumas of my teen years, rather than my family of origin stuff.

One particularly ugly thing that I have to deal with still is reducing the intensity of my PTSD symptoms through EMDR therapy. I am really looking forward to this. There was one summer of my life that my mom was more than just emotionally/psychologically abusive and she was beating the crap out of my and my twin sister with increasing severity. That't the summer I started partying. I would say I was spending the night somewhere (she never checked, didn't really care) when in reality I had nowhere to go. I'd just ride around with friends until late and then have them drop me off at the abandoned house across the street. I slept in a chair in the back of the carport of that house, getting eaten up by mosquitos. But that was one night I wasn't home, and so one night she couldn't hurt me.

And that really complicates things with my all my husband is going through. When he behaves aggressively towards me, it would be great if I could just walk away and say, "You know what? This is not a good time to talk. You need to take a breather." I KNOW this would improve things between us a tremendous amount.

But, when he speaks/acts aggressively towards me, it touches something deep inside me. It terrifies me with the all the terror of every incident of the past, those with my mom and those from him, and it is intensifying every time. I don't choose to be a wreck inside and weep for days afterwards. Trust me, I do not want to react that way. It just happens.

And so EMDR can help me. If I can reduce the intensity of those feelings, and get over past traumas, then I can live in the present and deal with the now and only the now. This will help both of us out!

At therapy yesterday we continued the intake for my husband. He is much more deeply depressed than I knew. My heart goes out to him. I want him to be healed and loved and have joy again.

Some of his symptoms he identified as having been present for ten to fifteen years. My son is fifteen. It can definitely trigger childhood traumas to see yourself in your same gender children. I was warned about that in ACoA meetings.

Some of his symptoms are lifelong. I don't know if it's possible to fathom how deeply wounded this man was by his parents religion. I don't know if it's possible for anyone to understand the terror of abandonment and rejection not only from your parents but from God, because the abandonment and rejection was in the name of Jesus.

Stop and think about that.

I found healing in the arms of God, because I know that even though my mom did not want me or love me, God did. How can you find healing from God if you believe that HE IS THE ONE WHO DECREED YOUR ABANDONMENT?!?!

Imagine that. What if every time my mom hurt me, she told me it was because God told her to hurt me.

And not only that, what if everyone in my whole world- teachers, neighbors,EVERYONE- backed her up on that? What if everyone all agreed that my mom hurting me was the will of God, a God I must love and serve perfectly because anything less than your all and you are not worthy of God?

I am so angry with fundamentalist religion and the whole industry of the religion. I do know some truly loving Bible translators, and I have no doubt that among the many who are simply practicing useless dysfunctional religion, there is a genuine work of the Holy Spirit happening.

But elementary age boarding schools should be outlawed, and it should be obvious to everyone that you first and primary responsibility is to the children you personally brought into being. Your ministry will not prosper if you are forced to do evil to the least of these in order to serve in that capacity.

This weekend we have to go and see my husband's family. Please pray for him. He is very depressed. He is still in denial about the severity of the emotional abuse and neglect he has suffered. He is still in denial about the severity of the physical abuse and neglect he has suffered. The facade of having had the "perfect Christian family" is not enough to hold back the pain anymore. He needs healing.

I am sure that seeing his family will trigger a lot of repressed pain and anger. Pray that God will help him- us- deal with it in appropriate ways that don't increase the damage to this family we have built together. We need miraculous grace.

So the plan right now is, counseling/EMDR for Ted first, and for me as the appointment opens up. He is in more pain right now than I am, and if he is in less pain then there will be less aggression in his heart, and therefore less to trigger my own fear and sadness. The teens are in on the plan, so that helps. We have a crisis plan in place too- timeouts of various lengths, and eventually separation if need be for a season. We both want to stay married in a love relationship, but we both want everyone to be safe while this minefield of trauma is diffused.

Peace and love to all of you. This post will come down later tonight.

1 comment:

  1. SOOO agree. Such trauma. It's horrible.

    God's mercy as you go thru this intensive time. I believe in a better ending for the both ofyou.